Girlfriends/Fiances lack of desire

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Zealot said:
See a pretty girl/boy and think man I would like to have sex with her/him, and this is how I would do it. Let me create a detailed image of the sexual act with them and spend time imagining them naked ---- Sin
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OP Christ said that it is not what goes into a man that makes him impure, but what comes out of him. He then details much of those forms of impure expression. Zealot’s statement is a bit misleading I think, in light of what Christ said. While I am not saying Zealot is incorrect, I think this idea of thoughts as sinful is something you might want to take up with a priest. You need to have a good conversation regarding where thoughts and feelings become sinful. Personally, I don’t think erotic thoughts are necessarily sinful since probably everybody has them at times, but it is when such thoughts become corrupted with both malice and intent that one crosses the line. You need a couple good conversations with a couple of priests to get a good handle on how the church sees such things. I don’t think anonymous laymen on an internet forum are your best bet in forming a good solid conscience.
 
Both of you go and talk to your Priest, together, before getting engaged
 
I think you should talk with your priest together. They have a lot of experience in talking with engaged couples about these things, and priests can pick up on red flags. Maybe he could even give you the questionnaire for both of you to fill out… I’ve forgotten the name but you both answer a lot of the same questions that would/could affect a marriage, then the answers are compared. Even if you’re not yet engaged, I think it would benefit you both if it’s a consideration. This definitely could be a major problem in a marriage, best to ring it out now.
 
I recommend reading about St. Therese’s saintly parents. Both of them married originally believing that they would not have sexual intercourse because they both thought they simply had a missed calling to religious life. But then they both realized that being.

But then they realized that being called to marriage means being called to have children and to raise saints. Well, they were pregnant several times (had some children die very young) but all of their daughters who reached adulthood became nuns.

St. Therese obviously became a saint, and at least one of her sisters is being looked at for being a saint too.

So @Rob15, I would recommend that you and your girlfriend learn about and get close to St. Therese of Lisieux’s parents. Start with the book from Dorthy Day called: Therese.

Then, there are books on the her parents too.

My point, get close to close to Sts Louis Martin and Zélie Martin and may their lives speak to you.

God bless
 
Nothing to be worried about. This is normal. She is normal. You guys are usually more interested in it than we women are… Don’t worry about it and enjoy the foreplay romance without the psychological trauma of not having everything figured out.
Blessings! :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:
 
Mary888 said:
Nothing to be worried about. This is normal. She is normal. You guys are usually more interested in it than we women are…
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I’m not a woman but I really, really think this is false. It is not normal for a hetereosexual woman to be completely disinterested in sex with the man she plans to marry. It’s just not. This is a huge red flag and makes me wonder if she’s doubting if OP is the one.
 
I agree. There is much ado on this thread and it may reflect the personal experience or preference of the people replying to the question. God always fills in the gaps in a marriage if we let Him. With His grace. Isn’t that cool? He will let two imperfect people come together so He can supply what is lacking. We can grow in faith and virtue because we have to depend on God. We can’t do a marriage right without God and these shortcomings are His way of making us dependent on Him. To God be the glory.
 
It wouldn’t shock me if the people saying “this is no big deal” are people who have never been married.
 
She’s a virgin!
If she had intimacy problems then hugs and other affectionate gestures would be an issue for her too.
When we are unknowledgeable the man of our dreams simply lacks any sexual characteristics except the fact that he is a man.
The ideal man is a superhero. Superman doesn’t “do” Lois Lane. Why do you think these characters are such a huge success even amongst women?
The prince doesn’t discuss sex with Cinderella. And all that. All of that is still successful even if the media in general is trying to convince us to “open up” and be more… the women men would like us to be?
Some women do change after beginning their sexual life. Suddenly they want more.
But not all.
If the OP wants a woman and not a girl then he should give up his own fantasy of marrying a virgin. That is if he doubts her capacity to stay in love with him even after beginning The Sex Life. The media says knowledge brings better choices.
So they say…
 
I don’t think the OP has a fantasy of marrying a virgin specifically.

And virgins still experience sexual desire and interest. If she were 16, I’d agree with you that she might still be in the puppy love stage where her fantasies revolve around notes and hand holding as opposed to sex. That’s not the case: she’s 25. This is not normal.

A 25 year old woman who has no desire for sex with her husband could be:
  1. Not attracted to the OP anymore. Maybe she sees him as more of a best friend and less of a romantic partner.
  2. Struggling with deep psychological issues causing her to unconciously repress her sex drive. Could also be deep insecurity about her body.
  3. Struggling with same sex attraction.
  4. Clinically depressed.
  5. Genuinely asexual.
  6. have some kind of chemical/hormonal imbalance.
The thing common to all these possibilities is they are potentially huge problems for a marriage. I’m not saying OP needs to dump her, but I am saying he should take this seriously and talk about it at length to figure out where she is.
 
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I am married and I say it is not a “big deal.” I would bet most marriages in the 50s-60s started off this way. I have talked to some long-married women about this, and it did not stop them from having successful marriages.
 
Sorry - not intending to start a debate!!! I just think there are so many other factors way beyond the natural physical virtues (and appetites) people possess. Sex between a husband and wife goes way beyond the mere physical aspect. I can appreciate that it may be a deal breaker to many, but obviously not to OP at this point.
 
anon64350612 said:
Sorry - not intending to start a debate!!! I just think there are so many other factors way beyond the natural physical virtues (and appetites) people possess. Sex between a husband and wife goes way beyond the mere physical aspect. I can appreciate that it may be a deal breaker to many, but obviously not to OP at this point.
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I don’t think anyone is claiming sex is the ONLY factor in a marriage, or that a couples entire expression of love can be reduced to just the physical act. But it is **an **important factor, and it’s also one around which strong emotions develop. If one partner has a normal libido and other partner has none, it’s not just the loss of pleasant physical sensations. One spouse is going to feel rejected, unloved, and resentful. Even lied to, since they presumably entered the marriage with the expectation that sex would be a part of it. Not the entirety, obviously, but a part.

Meanwhile, the spouse without the libido is going to feel guilty if they say no, or annoyed at the requests for something they’re not interested in.

All of these things can grow into the kind of land mines that destroy marriages. I’m not saying this problem is insurmountable, but I do think OP needs to recognize it as a potentially very serious issue.
 
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I could play devils advocare and wonder if the OP and his fiancé live in a country where arranged marriage are still common.

In those cases, the couple has no predetermined hope that their intended wants them sexually.
They work out the sexual part of marriage differently than Westerners and are usually successful at it.

Because there are no hurt feelings to contend with.

But if the OP and girlfriend are western, and fell in love, there is an expectation that the intended is looking forward to intimacy.

Of course, OP could just have a heartfelt talk with girlfriend to figure out where she’s at
 
Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut Mary888 I found a lot of it to be quite helpful. I do however take issue with the part about wanting a woman not a girl, and having a fantasy about marrying a Virgin. The Catholic Church absolutely teaches that waiting is the correct way to do it. It’s not about my doubting if she would stay in love with me but more my asking those who are married and have experienced sex if may be something that might change after the fact. Thank you
 
Mary888 said:
If the OP wants a woman and not a girl then he should give up his own fantasy of marrying a virgin.
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???

Are you saying that in order to prove she is a woman and not a girl she needs to commit the mortal sin of pre-marital sex?
 
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