Giving up on marriage

[EasterJoy]

How can you say I am not aware of how damaging alcohol can be? What I was saying was if someone else chooses to damage themselves with alcohol their is not a lot I can do about it. It only becomes an issue is their alcohol abuse affects my well being or my children’s well being. If it does not affect that, what more am I supposed to do if someone who is an adult and well aware of how what they are doing affects them still chooses to do it? Being spouse does not mean being a keeper.

That said, I would like to retract what I said. I have been fooled, duped and l now think posters were right. I should divorce. I should end it forever and no going back. It’s over. I cannot leave the family home, but I don’t have to be married in it and let’s face it. What is the difference? Why can a couple not be divorced and live under the same roof for practical reasons? That is what my lawyer advised. It is possible to separate and live under the same roof and the reasons for doing so are practical and legal. Yes, I could move to another home but the only the frame changes not the picture. My husband would still have rights to see the children, I would be chasing him for maintenance, he could still make my life and the kids lives a misery, and he would get the family home while I paid extortionate rent earning half what he does.

All things considered, it is best to divorce yet live under the same roof. I have given up on a relationship. It is not going to happen and the Church does not allow it. So why not live in the same house yet be divorced? If I lived somewhere else my husband could still make my life a misery, and as he would have access to the kids he could still hurt them. I have moved out of our bedroom tonight and I will not be returning. The marriage is over but we must live in the same house. I will never know love, but perhaps the price of being loved is too high a price to pay.
…

You are mistaken that the Church does not allow separation with the bond remaining or that civil divorce cannot be tolerated when justice requires it–such as when it is the only way to protect one spouse from the irresponsibility of the other.

*Can. 1151 Spouses have the duty and right to preserve conjugal living unless a legitimate cause excuses them.

Can. 1153 §1. If either of the spouses causes grave mental or physical danger to the other spouse or to the offspring or otherwise renders common life too difficult, that spouse gives the other a legitimate cause for leaving, either by decree of the local ordinary or even on his or her own authority if there is danger in delay.*

**Catechecism of the Catholic Church:*****2383 **The separation of spouses while maintaining the marriage bond can be legitimate in certain cases provided for by canon law.(Cf. CIC, cann. 1151-1155)

If civil divorce remains the only possible way of ensuring certain legal rights, the care of the children, or the protection of inheritance, it can be tolerated and does not constitute a moral offense*

It is vastly unlikely, almost to the point if impossibility, that you and your children are not harmed (and most probably profoundly harmed) by staying under the same roof with a regular alcohol abuser for a long period of time. A child is harmed by being around an adult, especially a parent, who is unreliable, unpredictable, and self-absorbed. That is what we are when we are drunk. We can’t help it. As you know too well, poor thing, that intoxicant-fueled unreliability, unpredictability, and self-absorption doesn’t do anything good for spouses who were promised the goods of marriage and who have done their best to provide that for their un-reciprocating husbands and wives, either.

Your children can also be harmed by your failure to remove them from a situation that is damaging to them. If your husband is acting in ways that are harmful to them, you have a duty to get them into a living situation without him, if that is a realistic possibility. Yes: What you failed to do to protect them can harm them, too.

All this is something that is discerned on a case-by-case basis, however. We can tell you that it is very likely that you will be doing the right thing by getting yourself and your children out of a home shared with an alcoholic who will not accept the harm done by his drinking nor take any steps to stop it. The research says that serious harm is typically suffered throughout adulthood by children who grow up with an alcoholic in their home. You were right in the first place, however, by saying that people on the outside do not have the information, authority, or right to make this judgment for someone else. Sometimes families stay together in these situations, and it turns out to have been the right thing. It does happen. It is unfortunate, but the burden of deciding what to do falls on the sober parent, the one who does not have the enslavement of alcohol preventing her from doing what has to be done.

God be with you. I do not envy your position. It is not fair, it is not easy, and it is not what you deserve after having been faithful to your marriage. I hope you will be able to find a St. Veronica and a Simon of Cyrene to help you through this.

By the way, I know of a book by a woman who was both alcoholic herself and a co-dependent for someone else who abused alcohol. I found it has a lot of good advice for anyone needing guidance on how to draw boundaries and communicate in healthy ways, whether or not addiction is involved. It is called, “Co-Dependent No More,” by Melody Beattie. I think she has a new edition out, too. I’d encourage you to read it; I think it might help you. She is a big believe in Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon, but it has other helpful concepts in it, too.

 

[minkymurph]

Minkymurph,
What has happened? Yesterday your posts were claiming posters were wrong and doing harm to your marriage by telling you to separate. Now you suddenly say CAF posters were right and that you are separating but not leaving the family home. This is all very alarming. Do you need to go to a priest or doctor…or the police? If something horrible has happened that has caused you to retract your statements after 24 hours, I urge you to seek help locally.

Praying for you, minkymurph.

There is no help. There is no one to turn to. That is a fact. There is no one.

What has happened is I now have a job and realize the improvement in my marriage was due to the fact that whilst I was ‘the little woman at home’ my husband had the luxury of having no responsibility. That’s why he was being so nice. I started a new job two days ago and I love it, but I am still expected to do as much as when I was not working. My husband has his dinner with his dad every night. He is 84 and his wife just died so I understand this, but now I am working I have to leave a dinner ready for my eldest, and my younger son goes to a childminder - and I pay for it, because he has autism and needs help with homework. He gets his dinner there.

My son goes to youth club on Wednesday and I asked my husband m to pick my son up from his childminder to take him to youth club. He said he had to take his father shopping and I said it wasn’t fair to tell Ronnie he can’t go to youth club because he has no lift. The childminder would take him, but her daughter is autistic and has a Maths tutor on Wednesday and she does not want to leave her alone in the house with him. My husband then said he did not know where the childminder lived. So I said what if I tell you where she lives? Could you pick him up then? I wrote directions and he started being mean about my writing, saying he couldn’t read it. He is always being mean about my writing but no one else has a problem with it. I said that and he got my younger son to read it in an attempt to demonstrate it couldn’t be read. My son read it perfectly and he argued it was only because he had been told what it said.

I have just graduated from University with a Law degree and he threw a 50 amper because I said I wanted to try for the bar exam. He said things like what I had cost the family in going to university and I had nothing to show for it. My job is working in a tea room and I’m engaged in volunteer work to try and get a job in the legal sector. He is considering applying for a job that pays really well and he says if he gets it I won’t need to work. I would because I pay for three quarters if not more of our outgoings. My husband also does no housework.

We have a boat in Fermanagh and we used to love going. But now it’s awful and I don’t want to go anymore. My husband yell’s at everyone on the road in a hurry to get there, and in the evenings he drinks and falls asleep while I try to entertain the kids. During the day he just wants to talk to his mates and work at engines. I don’t have the money to go down every weekend yet I still end up paying for things. The final straw came when I said he had to work this weekend and he said the kids were going to the boat whether they liked it or not because he wants to go. He goes EVERY weekend either on his own or with his mates and I said I didn’t think it was too much to ask for him to stay at home and do something with the boys they want to do - but no.

My eldest will be 18 in 4 years. He will get money I have invested for him from he was born. He says he wants his own house and maybe then we will all get away.

 

[Vic_Taltrees_UK]

Being Irish you will know we have a very casual attitude to drinking too much. My husband’s drinking didn’t bother me in the past because he was a happy drunk, and didn’t get drunk all the time. He is drinking less now.

Please everyone join me in praying for this man and his family.

 

[Xantippe]

There is no help. There is no one to turn to. That is a fact. There is no one.

What has happened is I now have a job and realize the improvement in my marriage was due to the fact that whilst I was ‘the little woman at home’ my husband had the luxury of having no responsibility. That’s why he was being so nice. I started a new job two days ago and I love it, but I am still expected to do as much as when I was not working. My husband has his dinner with his dad every night. He is 84 and his wife just died so I understand this, but now I am working I have to leave a dinner ready for my eldest, and my younger son goes to a childminder - and I pay for it, because he has autism and needs help with homework. He gets his dinner there.

My son goes to youth club on Wednesday and I asked my husband m to pick my son up from his childminder to take him to youth club. He said he had to take his father shopping and I said it wasn’t fair to tell Ronnie he can’t go to youth club because he has no lift. The childminder would take him, but her daughter is autistic and has a Maths tutor on Wednesday and she does not want to leave her alone in the house with him. My husband then said he did not know where the childminder lived. So I said what if I tell you where she lives? Could you pick him up then? I wrote directions and he started being mean about my writing, saying he couldn’t read it. He is always being mean about my writing but no one else has a problem with it. I said that and he got my younger son to read it in an attempt to demonstrate it couldn’t be read. My son read it perfectly and he argued it was only because he had been told what it said.

I have just graduated from University with a Law degree and he threw a 50 amper because I said I wanted to try for the bar exam. He said things like what I had cost the family in going to university and I had nothing to show for it. My job is working in a tea room and I’m engaged in volunteer work to try and get a job in the legal sector. He is considering applying for a job that pays really well and he says if he gets it I won’t need to work. I would because I pay for three quarters if not more of our outgoings. My husband also does no housework.

We have a boat in Fermanagh and we used to love going. But now it’s awful and I don’t want to go anymore. My husband yell’s at everyone on the road in a hurry to get there, and in the evenings he drinks and falls asleep while I try to entertain the kids. During the day he just wants to talk to his mates and work at engines. I don’t have the money to go down every weekend yet I still end up paying for things. The final straw came when I said he had to work this weekend and he said the kids were going to the boat whether they liked it or not because he wants to go. He goes EVERY weekend either on his own or with his mates and I said I didn’t think it was too much to ask for him to stay at home and do something with the boys they want to do - but no.

My eldest will be 18 in 4 years. He will get money I have invested for him from he was born. He says he wants his own house and maybe then we will all get away.

Do you have any concerns about your husband drinking and driving the kids? Or does he only drink at night?

There’s a book called “Why Does He Do That?” that may have been recommended to you in the other thread. See if you can get hold of it.

Here are some quotes from the book:

goodreads.com/work/quotes/217475-why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-angry-and-controlling-men

 

[minkymurph]

Do you have any concerns about your husband drinking and driving the kids? Or does he only drink at night?

There’s a book called “Why Does He Do That?” that may have been recommended to you in the other thread. See if you can get hold of it.

Here are some quotes from the book:

goodreads.com/work/quotes/217475-why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-angry-and-controlling-men

He doesn’t drink and drive and only drinks at night. The book looks good.

 

[minkymurph]

Now I’m really confused. My husband now says he is not going to go to the boat and is going to take our boys to a family festival in Belfast.

 

[Xantippe]

Now I’m really confused. My husband now says he is not going to go to the boat and is going to take our boys to a family festival in Belfast.

I don’t think your husband should be going anywhere alone with your children.

 

[minkymurph]

I don’t think your husband should be going anywhere alone with your children.

That thought has crossed my mind. There may be moral reasons but I have no legal grounds to prevent it - that is none that would stand up in court. Unless I could make those arguments, and pay for a lawyer, I have no means to stop him. He is their father and unless a court deems him a risk they would not make such an order. Particularly if we are still living together in the family home.

The court would also consider how the children feel. If want to see their dad the courts will not prevent it, unless there is a serious physical (not moral) risk. At present my kids want to stay in the family home and for us to make a go of our marriage, though they are happy when my husband is at his father’s house and not around. He did move in with his father for a while. It lasted a week.

If I leave the family home my husband could argue abandonment. These matters are not clear cut. They are complex and there is no straightforward solution. Judgement is the easy part.

 

[Xantippe]

That thought has crossed my mind. There may be moral reasons but I have no legal grounds to prevent it - that is none that would stand up in court. Unless I could make those arguments, and pay for a lawyer, I have no means to stop him. He is their father and unless a court deems him a risk they would not make such an order. Particularly if we are still living together in the family home.

The court would also consider how the children feel. If want to see their dad the courts will not prevent it, unless there is a serious physical (not moral) risk. At present my kids want to stay in the family home and for us to make a go of our marriage, though they are happy when my husband is at his father’s house and not around. He did move in with his father for a while. It lasted a week.

If I leave the family home my husband could argue abandonment. These matters are not clear cut. They are complex and there is no straightforward solution. Judgement is the easy part.

You could easily be left with no living children at all if things go badly.

Talk to a lawyer.

You’re the mom–protect your kids even if they don’t want to be protected.

 

[minkymurph]

You could easily be left with no living children at all if things go badly.

Talk to a lawyer.

You’re the mom–protect your kids even if they don’t want to be protected.

I don’t understand why you are saying these things other than to blame for things I have no control over because it makes you feel better in some way.

Why do you think I haven’t talked to lawyer when I said in an earlier post I had and what he said?

My kids don 't want to be protected? Why on earth would you say my kids don’t want my protection? What a thing to say! I’m also sure you don’t believe for one minute my kids don’t want to be protected.

Also, have you concluded I’m failing to protect them purely on the ground I have not moved out of the family home?

Suggesting my children may die is a horrible thing to say. Your implying my husband will kill them, they will kill themselves, or they will die because I failed to protect them.

Please don’t ever think of becoming a Samaritan. We’re done. I don’t do emotional blackmail but I’m not surprised to find someone having a go at it, and I think I state with a degree of certainty if you lived here, it is highly unlikely you would not take me into your home or go guarantor so I could rent a house.

 

[Lou2U]

I don’t understand why you are saying these things other than to blame for things I have no control over because it makes you feel better in some way.

Why do you think I haven’t talked to lawyer when I said in an earlier post I had and what he said?

My kids don 't want to be protected? Why on earth would you say my kids don’t want my protection? What a thing to say! I’m also sure you don’t believe for one minute my kids don’t want to be protected.

Also, have you concluded I’m failing to protect them purely on the ground I have not moved out of the family home?

Suggesting my children may die is a horrible thing to say. Your implying my husband will kill them, they will kill themselves, or they will die because I failed to protect them.

Please don’t ever think of becoming a Samaritan. We’re done. I don’t do emotional blackmail but I’m not surprised to find someone having a go at it, and I think I state with a degree of certainty if you lived here, it is highly unlikely you would not take me into your home or go guarantor so I could rent a house.

I don’t think this is what Xantippe meant.

I am so sorry that your marriage is not healing in the way you hoped, I really am. I think what Xantippe was suggesting is that although you can’t control your husband’s actions, you can control what effect this has on your children.

If you do believe that your children will not be safe when they are alone with your husband, then you should probably consult someone who will give you better advice that we can at CAF.

I’m not sure if you said - are you going to marriage counselling with your husband? Maybe this will help you to work through your problems.

Again, I am sorry that you are currently struggling with these problems.

Lou

 

[minkymurph]

I don’t think this is what Xantippe meant.

I am so sorry that your marriage is not healing in the way you hoped, I really am. I think what Xantippe was suggesting is that although you can’t control your husband’s actions, you can control what effect this has on your children.

If you do believe that your children will not be safe when they are alone with your husband, then you should probably consult someone who will give you better advice that we can at CAF.

I’m not sure if you said - are you going to marriage counselling with your husband? Maybe this will help you to work through your problems.

Again, I am sorry that you are currently struggling with these problems.

Lou

I don’t think they are not safe when they are alone with him. I don’t know what I said to give that impression. It’s a case of him not giving them quality time and saying things that are rude and hurtful. In our married life I have not once let my husband lift a hand to my kids. I am a ‘non-smack’ parent - no judgement on those who are not, and when my husband has threatened to hit the kids I never let him. If he lifted his hand I would physically do everything in my power to stop him and if he hurt them physically that would it. I would phone the cops and I would have legal grounds to get him out of the house.

I asked my husband to go to marriage counselling. He said no.

 

[Lou2U]

I don’t think they are not safe when they are alone with him. I don’t know what I said to give that impression. It’s a case of him not giving them quality time and saying things that are rude and hurtful. In our married life I have not once let my husband lift a hand to my kids. I am a ‘non-smack’ parent - no judgement on those who are not, and when my husband has threatened to hit the kids I never let him. If he lifted his hand I would physically do everything in my power to stop him and if he hurt them physically that would it. I would phone the cops and I would have legal grounds to get him out of the house.

I just assumed from when Xantippe said “I don’t think your husband should be going anywhere alone with your children” and you said “That thought had crossed my mind”. I am glad to be wrong, though .

I asked my husband to go to marriage counselling. He said no.

That’s bad have you spoken to a Priest about your marriage? Maybe he would be able to talk to your husband, not only about your marriage, but the way he speaks to your children? Also, I would suggest you go to counselling on your own, to help the marriage even more from your end. Hopefully, it will make him see what he could do to improve the marriage. Has your husband been to a doctor and told about the affects alcohol is having on his body? Maybe that would help your husband to cut down on his drinking, so he won’t be drinking too much.

Lou

 

[Gia_B]

Have you considered getting some individual counseling? Your perspective on your husband, your marriage and this forum have all drastically changed over the course of a few days. One minute your marriage is great and everyone is a bunch of meanies for suggesting that you separate, then next you’re considering divorce and you think that everyone has given you good advice and now you’re mad that people would dare criticize your husband and how you deal with him. It also seems like some very minor things set you off. One stray sentence in another comment can lead you to overreact with a long post about how people don’t know what they’re talking about and everyone is blaming you and everyone thinks that you’re a bad mother, even though nobody actually said any of that.

I don’t know if it’s just stress or if there’s a deeper issue, but you really should talk to a professional about your emotional state.

 

[minkymurph]

Have you considered getting some individual counseling? Your perspective on your husband, your marriage and this forum have all drastically changed over the course of a few days. One minute your marriage is great and everyone is a bunch of meanies for suggesting that you separate, then next you’re considering divorce and you think that everyone has given you good advice and now you’re mad that people would dare criticize your husband and how you deal with him. It also seems like some very minor things set you off. One stray sentence in another comment can lead you to overreact with a long post about how people don’t know what they’re talking about and everyone is blaming you and everyone thinks that you’re a bad mother, even though nobody actually said any of that.

I don’t know if it’s just stress or if there’s a deeper issue, but you really should talk to a professional about your emotional state.

I can understand why you would interpret what I say as such.

I deeply care for my husband and for many years we had a great marriage. From time to time I get throwbacks to the great times we had. Unfortunately, they have become few and far between. I am considering divorce because I think the marriage is over, but more significantly cannot be restored because my husband does not want it to be.

I do not think my marriage is great, I’m just not convinced it has reached the point were it should be written off. I did not say everyone was meanies, I said some posters. What I thought was wrong was telling someone to separate on the ground of flawed understanding or belief that separation would save the marriage and things would be better for me and the children if I did not live under the same roof as my husband.

I am not mad people criticize my husband, I am made they criticize me in that because I have not moved out I am a bad mother who is not protecting her children. What makes them so sure they would be better protected if I moved out? Are these people so sure we would all live happily ever after if I moved out? That my husband would no longer be an influence on my children, hurt me or them if we lived under a different roof? That would stop if I moved out?

You separate because you don’t want to be married any longer. Not because you want to make a go of things and moving out will compel the party to the marriage to meet your expectations. That does not happen as a direct result of separation and people suggested the way to get my husband to stop drinking was to leave the family home until he agreed to do that. In my view this position is at best naive, and at worst judgmental in that it is easier to coerce the one who wants to make things better than tackle the real problem. It’s like managers who ask the most hard working, busiest person to do something and leaving those who do nothing to it.

People did say I was a bad mother. They said I was co-dependent, an enabler. failing to protect my children and not putting them first because I was still living in the same house as my husband.

 

[Xantippe]

Have you considered getting some individual counseling? Your perspective on your husband, your marriage and this forum have all drastically changed over the course of a few days. One minute your marriage is great and everyone is a bunch of meanies for suggesting that you separate, then next you’re considering divorce and you think that everyone has given you good advice and now you’re mad that people would dare criticize your husband and how you deal with him. It also seems like some very minor things set you off. One stray sentence in another comment can lead you to overreact with a long post about how people don’t know what they’re talking about and everyone is blaming you and everyone thinks that you’re a bad mother, even though nobody actually said any of that.

I don’t know if it’s just stress or if there’s a deeper issue, but you really should talk to a professional about your emotional state.

Yes.

 

[Lily_Bernans]

Have you considered getting some individual counseling? Your perspective on your husband, your marriage and this forum have all drastically changed over the course of a few days. One minute your marriage is great and everyone is a bunch of meanies for suggesting that you separate, then next you’re considering divorce and you think that everyone has given you good advice and now you’re mad that people would dare criticize your husband and how you deal with him. It also seems like some very minor things set you off. One stray sentence in another comment can lead you to overreact with a long post about how people don’t know what they’re talking about and everyone is blaming you and everyone thinks that you’re a bad mother, even though nobody actually said any of that.

I don’t know if it’s just stress or if there’s a deeper issue, but you really should talk to a professional about your emotional state.

I agree with Gia. If your husband won’t go to marriage counseling, go alone. It can’t hurt, and it will probably help. If you are religious, go to Catholic Social Services for counseling, or ask your priest to recommend someone.

 

[minkymurph]

I just assumed from when Xantippe said “I don’t think your husband should be going anywhere alone with your children” and you said “That thought had crossed my mind”. I am glad to be wrong, though .

That’s bad have you spoken to a Priest about your marriage? Maybe he would be able to talk to your husband, not only about your marriage, but the way he speaks to your children? Also, I would suggest you go to counselling on your own, to help the marriage even more from your end. Hopefully, it will make him see what he could do to improve the marriage. Has your husband been to a doctor and told about the affects alcohol is having on his body? Maybe that would help your husband to cut down on his drinking, so he won’t be drinking too much.

Lou

Believe it or not Lou my husband is not a bad person. He does bad things, but he is not a bad person. Every now and then I get a glimpse of the good we had. Our marriage was good for so long. We were happy. I do not think it was a mistake to marry him and we had a great marriage for so long,

My husband is not Catholic so he would not talk to a priest. But there are other things I have not told you. This is what makes it so complicated. My husband always drank too much. So did I and still do. We grew up in a drink culture and as a result we are very complacent about it. Please be aware I am not condoning anything. I say what I do to give people here insight. Sometimes you don’t want solutions so much as someone who listens.

My husband and I grew up in Belfast in the 70’s. There was a big drink culture and underage drinking was normal because people did not go out of their own area very much. People drank in local pubs and clubs that were run by the Paramilitaries and they did not care much about what age you were or the law. I was going to a local pub from I was 14. There was nowhere for teenagers to hang out in Belfast in the 70’s other than local pubs and clubs. We used to listen to police messages on the radio in the house - illegal but you could do it easily, We listened to the messages to find out if the police were going to raid local pubs and clubs so we knew to avoid them until the raid was over. The ‘boys’ who run the pubs and clubs listened to the police messages as well. They would tell the bar staff if there was going to be a raid and they would come round and tell under age drinkers to leave until the raid was over. They kept your drinks behind the bar and you returned and collected your drinks when the raid was over. The police knew.

 

[minkymurph]

I just assumed from when Xantippe said “I don’t think your husband should be going anywhere alone with your children” and you said “That thought had crossed my mind”. I am glad to be wrong, though .

That’s bad have you spoken to a Priest about your marriage? Maybe he would be able to talk to your husband, not only about your marriage, but the way he speaks to your children? Also, I would suggest you go to counselling on your own, to help the marriage even more from your end. Hopefully, it will make him see what he could do to improve the marriage. Has your husband been to a doctor and told about the affects alcohol is having on his body? Maybe that would help your husband to cut down on his drinking, so he won’t be drinking too much.

Lou

There are many other things you do not know about my husband. As I said we had a great marriage. Then I became ill. I had a terrible time in work, I was brought up JW that scared me for life. That is when my husband seriously hit the drink. Both of us always drank too much but when I became ill our marriage fell apart and he drank with his mates all the time. They used our home as a drink den. Our marriage was on the rocks. I desperately wanted children but my husband thought because I was ill it could not happen. I became friendly with someone I worked with and in spite of not having a period in two years because of medication I was on I still managed to get pregnant. I make no excuses for what I did. I don’t defend myself. I’m just saying there where reasons why things happened.

When I got pregnant my husband asked me to move out because he did not want to raise another man’s child and told me if I had an abortion we could go on and it would never be mentioned. I could not and the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life was tell him I could not have an abortion. That is when I became Catholic. I contacted a Catholic helpline and spoke to a lovely woman who said she thought we would be OK. My husband did not abandon me. He helped me move into a flat. He gave me use of a car, and when my son was born he was there. Two days after he was born he told me he wanted to be his father and to put his name on the birth certificate. His biological father did not want to know. My husband did not want anymore children but we then had another child who has autism. I would dearly have loved more children, but he did not want more. It took a lot of coaxing to get another one.

My husband was a great dad for years. There were problems at first, but after a while the ‘great mates’ were kicked into touch. He didn’t have much to do with our younger son - he is my boy. But my eldest was his and he adored him. Then, the factory he worked in closed down and he went to Saudi. The project in Saudi finished and that is when things went wrong.

 

[EasterJoy]

There are many other things you do not know about my husband. As I said we had a great marriage. Then I became ill. I had a terrible time in work, I was brought up JW that scared me for life. That is when my husband seriously hit the drink. Both of us always drank too much but when I became ill our marriage fell apart and he drank with his mates all the time. They used our home as a drink den. Our marriage was on the rocks. I desperately wanted children but my husband thought because I was ill it could not happen. I became friendly with someone I worked with and in spite of not having a period in two years because of medication I was on I still managed to get pregnant. I make no excuses for what I did. I don’t defend myself. I’m just saying there where reasons why things happened.

When I got pregnant my husband asked me to move out because he did not want to raise another man’s child and told me if I had an abortion we could go on and it would never be mentioned. I could not and the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life was tell him I could not have an abortion. That is when I became Catholic. I contacted a Catholic helpline and spoke to a lovely woman who said she thought we would be OK. My husband did not abandon me. He helped me move into a flat. He gave me use of a car, and when my son was born he was there. Two days after he was born he told me he wanted to be his father and to put his name on the birth certificate. His biological father did not want to know. My husband did not want anymore children but we then had another child who has autism. I would dearly have loved more children, but he did not want more. It took a lot of coaxing to get another one.

My husband was a great dad for years. There were problems at first, but after a while the ‘great mates’ were kicked into touch. He didn’t have much to do with our younger son - he is my boy. But my eldest was his and he adored him. Then, the factory he worked in closed down and he went to Saudi. The project in Saudi finished and that is when things went wrong.

I believe you. When you’re both good people and both flawed people, it makes these decisions so hard.

It is bad for your children to be around the over-drinking, and it’s bad for you. You don’t want to fail to draw a line that needs to be drawn to protect the innocent, even if your marriage is valid. What happens in a co-dependent household is that most of the energy goes to protecting the drinker from the consequences of his actions, rather than protecting everyone else from them. I know a fellow who won’t talk to his own mother because of what he went through with his dad as a kid, and his mother did nothing to stop it. That’s why I suggested “Co-Dependent No More.” In order for your marriage to be saved or for what remains of your co-parenting relationship with your husband to be saved, the excessive drinking has to be addressed. It can’t keep on being the elephant in the room that sits on your chest.