I shouldn’t drop in here ecause I;m hopelessly busy and about to go out to Indonesia to get married but…
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Because this truth always makes me feel miserable and makes life dull, and
a tremendous burden.
This line says a lot! More than you realise.
I’ll let you into a ‘secret.’ When people are unhappy in themselves the psyche plays a ‘trick’ on you. It shifts the feeling that
you are bad onto something else. The psyche tries to say “I feel bad, therefore it is THIS that is making me feel bad and, thus, THIS is wrong.” But the reality is that something inside you is wrong and something is TRIGGERING that feeling.
Apply this to the church. The Church is acting as a trigger for bad feelings of guilt, no, shame you ALREADY FEEL! It’s not the Church causing the feelings, they are already there. If you wander away from the Church you carry the feelings with you. At first you feel better but then you hit another trigger the way someone looks at you, a poster, even your face in the mirror.
Bang! guilt, shame, terror again!
You never find peace because the cause of the problem is never tackled. The fact that you are running into weird, esoteric, ‘soft’ ‘spirituality’ that, in effect, negates the existence of sin shows me how desperately you are running.
It’s OK. Lots of people have been there. I’ve been there. But I faced my fears (loooonnng story!) I got through.
You are feeling SHAME in the Church. Shame is the feeling “I am a bad person.” This is distinct from guilt which says “I am a good person but I have done something bad.” Shame is very destructive. Guilt can be redeeming. You’ve got the two confused. You see the church condemning you and saying you are ‘evil’ because you already feel you are condemned and a bad person. You have a ‘tear’ in your soul that is getting bigger. Again, I’ve been there. I can assure you that gnosticism will only lead to egotism and make things far, far worse.
The resolution? Well, a lot of things. First - talk to a priest about your feelings. Don’t just go to confession, talk your feelings out! Next, find a good Christian counsellor and work through the shame. It’s painful but it changes you. Match your work with a counsellor with prayer and dig in. The process of healing, letting go, opening up and letting God LOVE you takes time. Most people quit to find and easy answer but there is no easy way through pain. But, in acing it, in finding WHY you feel such shame, releases you and then no man can condemn you.
You can find peace. You can find love, forgiveness, hope, redemption. Honest you can. I tell you, Gnosticism or any other ‘quick fix’ is just a deception and will screw you into a little ball and your own private hell. You can trust me on this! Get your pain sorted out then you will understand. First rid the pain and then you will be able to feel love and forgiveness. Running to a (so called) ‘softer’ religion of dubious background will only delay the inevitable break down. Take this from a guy who had two nervous breakdowns. I faced my pain, worked through it, am getting married, am in a great Christian community of lovely people, I am at peace with myself, in a good job and feeling blessed!
Take it from me - seriously - you’re approaching the problem of your feelings the wrong way. See a Christian professional and work through stuff with prayer. (I say Christian because a secular counsellor will try and cure you of religion!) There is no shame in it - indeed, you will remove the sense of shame. Put theology on one side for the moment and come back to it when you feel better. Then you’ll see.