God Doesn't Want Me?

  • Thread starter Thread starter rachael_maria
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
rachael_maria said:
Hi, I’m Rachael and I am new. Has anyone else been rejected by God? I tried to join a convent but I was invited to leave because I got really anxious. I understand that I could not be a sister but God made me this way, so it isn’t fair. I really wanted to give my life to Him but He doesn’t want it. It seems like God loves the sisters more than me.
Click to expand...
If God has given you such a difficult trial, dear, then he loves you more than those sisters. Crosses are like love letters from heaven. God gives difficult trials to those He loves.

Pray, pray, pray. And offer yourself and your suffering to God.

Don’t withdraw from practicing the faith. The real test of authentic faith and deep charity is persevering through difficult trials-- which will in turn greatly deepen your faith and charity. This is an invitation from God to go so, so much deeper with Him.

Remember, the only point of religious life is to find a more direct path to fall madly in love with Him. God is giving you that instead by this difficult trial. Persevere, dear, and pray. Pray, pray, pray.

God bless you! Offer your suffering for me, please. I have a special prayer intention which needs a lot of merit right now. Please, please, pray for me. The Lord listens very carefully to His loved ones. I’m confident that you will be a powerful intercessor. God bless!

-Rob
 
rachael_maria said:
Thank you all for your support. Please pray for me. I start crying at mass sometimes. It is just that everything to do with my faith makes me hurt right now. Maybe I should drop back and just go on Sundays. Maybe the space would help me to feel better. Has anyone else here left the convent and survived with faith intact?
Click to expand...
Dear Rachel,
I know exactly what you mean when you say everything to do with your faith makes you hurt. I was a sister for almost 2 years, and left suddenly and not of my own free will. It was a nasty shock and for a long time I heard convent bells ringing and Sisters singing. I could not go to Mass, or say the Rosary, or do anything spiritual without thinking of how I “used” to do it.

It was hard.I cried every day for an entire year. I thought I would never be happy again. But I am better now, and grateful for the experience, as awful as it was.

There is a thread over at Phatmass (another message board) where people who have left religious life talk about how they coped, you might want to try reading it. It’s called “Meditations Upon Returning”:phatmass.com/phorum/index.php?showtopic=98304&st=0&p=1960919&fromsearch=1&#entry1960919

You will get better. You will. PM me if you want to talk about anything. This is a very exclusive club, and we need to give each other support.
 
Wow, Rachel! I’d take up Lillibet on her offer. In fact, I might just do so myself. Many years ago I was discerning a call to religious life through a specific congregation. We had a relationship for over 2.5 years and it became pretty clear to me that the time I spent with them was the most joy-filled and alive that I had ever experienced. I, little by little, began to transform my life and practice what I could, where I could, of their life and teachings. Almost every indication from my prayer life (and fruits of this experience), conversations and interactions with them, and observations of others pointed to a genuine calling.

Then came the new vocation director. Things got absurdly nasty very quickly (even from day -1!) that lead to a terrible falling-out and eventual breakup. She seemed only interested in finding fault with me and pushing me away, when she had not acted that way prior to her new position in the community, nor was her behavior consistent with the demeanor and general response toward me from the rest of the congregation. I daresay she was concerned only with the ‘professionalism’ she had been taught in workshops and authority to be a gatekeeper.

In short, she acted like a douchebag (not a term I would generally use on women or religious), but one should call a spade a spade. I tried to be mature and respectful in my conversations with her, but I’m sure I occasionally came up short in my response to her. After a long, dramatic break, I cried for days on end and entered a period of intense, dark depression and grief, nearly losing my faith in God altogether. I do remember walking through the snow, thinking “How can I stand this?” The only response I sensed was “Because you are that much more full of grace.” That didn’t ease my pain at all, but it did open a new dimension of imaging a suffering God.
 
A religious vocation requires selfless giving and service, as do all other vocations. All vocations performed with selflessness and service to other lead to closeness with God, and that in turn leads to holiness.

.
 
Wow, Rachel! I’d take up Lillibet on her offer. In fact, I might just do so myself. Many years ago I was discerning a call to religious life through a specific congregation. We had a relationship for over 2.5 years and it became pretty clear to me that the time I spent with them was the most joy-filled and alive that I had ever experienced. I, little by little, began to transform my life and practice what I could, where I could, of their life and teachings. Almost every indication from my prayer life (and fruits of this experience), conversations and interactions with them, and observations of others pointed to a genuine calling.

Then came the new vocation director. Things got absurdly nasty very quickly (even from day -1!) that lead to a terrible falling-out and eventual breakup. She seemed only interested in finding fault with me and pushing me away, when she had not acted that way prior to her new position in the community, nor was her behavior consistent with the demeanor and general response toward me from the rest of the congregation. I daresay she was concerned only with the ‘professionalism’ she had been taught in workshops and authority to be a gatekeeper.

In short, she acted like a douchebag (not a term I would generally use on women or religious), but one should call a spade a spade. I tried to be mature and respectful in my conversations with her, but I’m sure I occasionally came up short in my response to her. After a long, dramatic break, I cried for days on end and entered a period of intense, dark depression and grief, nearly losing my faith in God altogether. I do remember walking through the snow, thinking “How can I stand this?” The only response I sensed was “Because you are that much more full of grace.” That didn’t ease my pain at all, but it did open a new dimension of imaging a suffering God.
 
rachael_maria said:
Thank you all for your support. Please pray for me. I start crying at mass sometimes. It is just that everything to do with my faith makes me hurt right now. Maybe I should drop back and just go on Sundays. Maybe the space would help me to feel better. Has anyone else here left the convent and survived with faith intact?
Click to expand...
Rachael, I will pray for you.
I encourage you to not give up daily Mass, as painful as it is. The Eucharist is what gives us strength, even if we don’t feel it at the time. If you stop receiving the Sacraments, the devil will try harder to make you lose faith. I think it is the devil who is putting lies in your mind that Jesus doesn’t want you and doesn’t love you. It’s natural that you would feel hurt…try to turn to Him with trust, despite everything, and tell Him that you love Him. Say to God, “not as I want, but as You want, let it be done unto me”. Then this time will help in your sanctification, and when the trial is over you’ll be glad 🙂 and if you want to cry, then cry and let Jesus love you at this time.

God bless :hug1:
 
Hlafdige said:
Léonie Martin, sister of St. Therese of Lisieux, made good as a Visitation nun – on her fifth try at convent life.
St. Joseph of Cupertino made it on his second try, with the Franciscans.
St. Benedict Joseph Labre got rejected by eleven communities before he found his calling as a permanent pilgrim always on the road.
St. Benedict‘s rule warns against accepting ANYONE who hasn‘t persisted despite rejection.
Trust in God and continue to seek your true calling. „Where God‘s will is, there is heaven“ (Pope Benedict XVI).
Click to expand...
👍

and remember, maybe God just isn’t calling you to THAT particular convent! Maybe another one… also there are women who are brides of Christ but are not nuns. (there are even Saints like this!) Have you ever read about St Gemma Galgani? She was very close to God, even had visions of Jesus. She loved Him so much. But she died before becoming a nun. She wanted to be a Passionist but there were difficulties with that and she couldn’t enter the order.
RobNY said:
If God has given you such a difficult trial, dear, then he loves you more than those sisters. Crosses are like love letters from heaven. God gives difficult trials to those He loves.

Pray, pray, pray. And offer yourself and your suffering to God.

Don’t withdraw from practicing the faith. The real test of authentic faith and deep charity is persevering through difficult trials-- which will in turn greatly deepen your faith and charity. This is an invitation from God to go so, so much deeper with Him.

Remember, the only point of religious life is to find a more direct path to fall madly in love with Him. God is giving you that instead by this difficult trial. Persevere, dear, and pray. Pray, pray, pray.

God bless you! Offer your suffering for me, please. I have a special prayer intention which needs a lot of merit right now. Please, please, pray for me. The Lord listens very carefully to His loved ones. I’m confident that you will be a powerful intercessor. God bless!

-Rob
Click to expand...
👍
 
"My daughter, know that if I allow you to feel and have a more profound knowledge of My sufferings, that is a grace from Me. But when your mind is dimmed and your sufferings are great, it is then that you take an active part in My Passion, and I am conforming you more fully to Myself. It is your task to submit yourself to My will at such time, more than at others… "
Jesus to St. Faustina

"The everlasting God has
in His wisdom foreseen
from eternity the cross
that He now presents to you
as a gift from His inmost heart.

This cross He now sends you
He has considered with His all-knowing eyes,
understood with His divine mind,
tested with His wise justice,
warmed with loving arms
and weighed with His own hands
to see that it be not one inch too large
and not one ounce too heavy for you.

He has blessed it with His holy Name,
anointed it with His consolation,
taken one last glance at you
and your courage,
and then sent it to you from heaven,

a special greeting from God to you,
an alms of the all-merciful love of God."

(St Francis de Sales)
 
“The Christian’s motto is the cross. You will recognize God’s love by this sign, by the sufferings He sends you.”
St Padre Pio

“Our Lord loves you and loves you tenderly; and if He does not let you feel the sweetness of His love, it is to make you more humble and abject in your own eyes.”
St Padre Pio

“Tell Me all, My child, hide nothing from Me, because My loving Heart, the Heart of your Best Friend, is listening to you” (Jesus to St Faustina)

“O Divine Jesus, impress on my heart a disposition like that of a certain man who loved your cross so much that he used to say if after serving you for a hundred years his only recompense were the grace to suffer one hour for love of You, he would believe all his service too well rewarded” (St Bernadette)

“In all the events of life, you must recognize the Divine will. Adore and bless it, especially in the things which are the hardest for you.” St Padre Pio

“The more you are afflicted, the more you ought to rejoice, because in the fire of tribulation the soul will become pure gold, worthy to be placed and to shine in the heavenly palace.”
St Padre Pio
 
St Gemma:

"Jesus once said to me: “Do you know, daughter, for what reason I send crosses to souls dear to me? I desire to possess their souls, entirely, and for this I surround them with crosses, and I enclose them in sufferings and tribulation, that they may not escape from my hands; and for this I scatter thorns, that souls may fasten their affections upon no one, but find all content in Me alone. My daughter, if you do not feel the cross it cannot be called a cross. Be sure that under the cross you will not be lost. The demon has no strength against those souls who for My love groan under the cross. 0 My daughter, how many would have abandoned Me if they had not been crucified. The cross is a gift too precious, and from it come many virtues.”

I prayed then to Jesus that He would not concede to me any grace except that of loving Him very much, and Jesus said: “Oh soul dear to me, if you truly love Me, behold My chalice; you can drink it to the last drop. On this chalice I have placed My lips, and I want you to drink it.” I told Jesus to do with me as He would. And then He said to me: “I have sent this cross to you, you do not appreciate it; rather it is contrary to your desire, but the more it is contrary, the more it is like Mine. Would it not seem to you a dreadful thing to see a father in the midst of sorrow and the children enjoying themselves? When I shall be your Spouse of blood, I will come to you, but crucified; show your love to me as I have shown it toward you, and do you know how? By suffering, pains, and crosses without number. You ought, therefore, to consider yourself honored, if I lead you on paths hard and painful; if I permit that you be tormented by the demon, that the world despise you, that persons most dear to you afflict you, and with daily martyrdom, I permit your soul to be purified and tested. And you, daughter, think only of practicing great virtue; run in the path of the Divine Will, humbled, assured, that if I hold you to the cross, I love you.”
 
Oh my goodness, thank you all for your responses. I do not even have time to read them all tonight, but I will tomorrow. Thank you, thank you, thank you! 🙂 RobNY, I promise my prayers for your intentions. I will read all that all of you wrote tomorrow.
 
Thank you all so much for all that you wrote. I finally read all of it- very encouraging! I would like to ask for some prayers. I am seriously depressed. I’m not sure I am going to make it through this. Usually in the past I would find comfort in prayer, but now it hurts to pray and it hurts not to pray. I still really feel like I don’t want to be close to God because I feel like He wants that closeness with those called to religious life and not with me. Not that He doesn’t want to be close at all to me. Just not as close as He wants to be to them. Who wants to be second best? I can’t just decide to not feel that way. I’ve tried. I hope you don’t mind me saying all of this. I don’t want to discourage anyone who is discerning.
 
rachael_maria said:
Thank you all so much for all that you wrote. I finally read all of it- very encouraging! I would like to ask for some prayers. I am seriously depressed. I’m not sure I am going to make it through this. Usually in the past I would find comfort in prayer, but now it hurts to pray and it hurts not to pray. I still really feel like I don’t want to be close to God because I feel like He wants that closeness with those called to religious life and not with me. Not that He doesn’t want to be close at all to me. Just not as close as He wants to be to them. Who wants to be second best? I can’t just decide to not feel that way. I’ve tried. I hope you don’t mind me saying all of this. I don’t want to discourage anyone who is discerning.
Click to expand...
rachael_maria - certainly praying for you dear one.
Sometimes we need some help to get through difficult times. Please, please talk to your doctor about this - your very precious to our loving God - you are very precious to us all. Depression is sometimes a medical condition that can only be helped medically - so this may be making things more difficult now - just let your doctor know - they know the right questions to ask to help know if you need to treat this depression medically. Praying very hard for you dear one.
 
Dear Rachel
I too want to enter the religious life. I have been wanting and refusing the call for so long nevertheless more than ever I have now said yes to Jesus. At times am worried what if it’s not my call? I think I will collapse! I asked for advice but later on I realised (from what many people advised me) to pray, hope and to worry not. I know one place that Jesus is always there and this id tabernacle in the church. Just go there and tell him “Jesus my love you know how much I love you, please tell me what to do. I am sad, heart broken and I cant move on” Just repeat these words over and over. You will have the answer right there.

Trust me, Jesus smiles when you write how hurtful you are, he’s caught in amazement to the extent he forgets to reply.Do you know how much people inflict pain to him? especially in religious orders? Those you consider saints might not be saints in the eyes of the lord (Not all who say “lord lord” will enter the kingdom of heaven)

St Padre Pio was denied in the fransiscan friary for lack of education (so according to human standards, he was misfit) But God who qualifies the unqualified made him one of the greatest saints of our century. His Fr had to travel to US to find job so that Padre Pio could study and enter the friary.

Also St John Vianney was refused in the seminary since he could not understand latin, his report was written “he’s too backward” but his spiritual director in france believed in him and taught him in french and he became great priest saint even before he died.

Watch saints movies even in you tube. The best one I recommend would be “the reluctant saint” then please come back to this forum and praise God.
We are waiting.
densline
“If you truly love me, why not suffer for me?” By Jesus
God is but a beautiful rose hidden under the thorns
 
rachael_maria said:
Who wants to be second best?
Click to expand...
raises hand 😛

I’m a guy who doesn’t get warm, fuzzy feelings from God (or anything spiritual for that matter) and trust me, it’s not that bad a life. 😛 It gives you lots of free time and free space in your head. You get to explore and find out the things you wanna do after which you get to think about if any of these things can be something you can make a career out of.
rachael_maria said:
Usually in the past I would find comfort in prayer, but now it hurts to pray and it hurts not to pray. I still really feel like I don’t want to be close to God because I feel like He wants that closeness with those called to religious life and not with me. Not that He doesn’t want to be close at all to me. Just not as close as He wants to be to them.
Click to expand...
I’m actually going to agree with those who said that you’re wrong about God loving people on different levels. He loves everyone, He’s God after all. :rolleyes: Just because you don’t experience warm, fuzzy feelings doesn’t mean He loves you any less.

And who knows, maybe these other people are right in telling you that maybe it’s just one convent. There are others. I mean you actually have it easy compared to those called to marriage where a rejection from that vocation actually means rejection from a person and not an establishment. :rolleyes:

Simply put, to the non-religious you look like you just weren’t allowed to join a club… on the other hand, being rejected (or worse, dumped) is just more… debilitating. :o You have it easy, seriously. Just try somewhere else.

And in the case you can’t find any order to take you, just go back to what I first said. Maybe there are other things you can do with your life. Religious life isn’t the only kind of good life you can live you know. 🤷
 
I have a friend whose daughter wanted to live consecrated life. However, she has very bad asthma and anxiety issues.

My friend gently told her daughter, “If God wanted you to be consecrated, you would not have these issues.” The idea being, it can’t be God’s plan. It might be what the daughter wanted, but it’s not what God wants.

It doesn’t mean God doesn’t love her, just that He has another plan. Keep praying, keep loving and He will reveal His perfect plan!
 
Ive had my fair share of disappointments in life and discerning my vocation has had its ups and downs. I cannot blame God or anyone for my disappointments in life or the vocations I desired but couldnt accomplish. In fact, I find comfort in it because God is telling you this isnt what he has in His plans long term for you. I would brush off the disappointment and move forward. There has to be other things you had that may have wanted as a vocation. There also might be other religious orders that could take you. Either way, you will pull out of this and will find the calling God wants from you.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top