I think you misunderstand. It is not just that I feel indifferently toward God, it is that God does not SEEM to care about me (and you, and everyone else). When you are sick, God does not heal you - even if there is no one else to heal you. When you are hungry, God does not feed you - even if there is no one else to feed you. The usual objection is that WE are supposed to be God’s “hands”, that God “works through us”. But that is nonsense. Even if we do everything that we can, there are problems we simply CANNOT solve - and God does not give us a helping hand.
As for the process of how I (personally) changed, that cannot be answered in a few sentences. Suffice it to say that every time I prayed, nothing happened. Every time I asked I was never answered. Every time I knocked on the door, it was never opened. It is as if I had set up a hypothesis that things will float upward, when I release them… and when I performed millions of tests, they always dropped to the ground. The hypothesis was simply untenable.
I have all the time in the world to read many sentences, so go for it.
Here is a challenge, start going through the door. Open it yourself. The fact you are here and we are having this conversation screams to me that the door you knocked on is ajar, and just hanging there waiting for the handle to be held, and the door pushed open. Enough said. He is waiting, you are here on a Catholic forum , talking to a bunch of Christians.
A few months back, I would never have taken the time to be on a Christian forum , let along a Catholic one. And I would have thought you all lunatics. Now everyone thinks I am a lunatic.
This is what I have learnt so far.
On God caring:
God cares , about everyone, even me, a sinner who ignored Him for decades. It is by His Grace , I started listening again, a few months ago. My life is so changed.
How do I know God cares? Its the little things. And here I will share a few things with you, because you asked.
On performing small miracles - In my part of Australia, its summer. All snake bites here kill, without anti venom. Sunday night, 9pm , walking my dogs on lead. My Belgian Shepherd jumped into me sideways, I ignored it, she did it again. Look down, brown snake at our feet. Mad dash into the AH Vet in town. All bloods came back normal. Very $$$ vet trip, and both of us totally surprised she had not been bitten. Brown snakes get very cranky, and flatten out , then strike faster then dogs jump out of the way. My ankles were in strike range too. All I can say is I had , as always, been praying the rosary on that walk.
On healing:
I have a chronic disease that will get worse with time, had it for years. Been to 2 Annointing Masses since returning to God a few months back, my symptoms have abated, especially the worst of them. I dont expect to be healed, afterall, it is ours to share the wounds and scars and suffering of Jesus Christ. I am thankful to be able to get out in summer now, and do my volunteer work. I pray for others I know with cancer, for healing, if it is God’s Will. Everything depends on God’s Will.
On hunger:
Yes, God has fed me, both physically , and spiritually. I, as do many other Catholics, and Christians, donate food and money to feed others.
On God working through us:
There is a real mystery. Do I know if the heart of a fellow human has been softened or moved to know Love and caring, or mercy, through my actions? No.
I do know if I house a homeless child, send him to school, pick up someone collapsed and get them help, defuse a violent situation, offer shelter and medical aide to wildlife caught in a predicament, give time to an aged person forgotten through life, hold a sick bag up to the mouth of a stranger,
maybe post some words that mean something to another, give courage to someone needing a little,
it aint all my own doing
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And we all do some small thing for others, even if its a smile.
Our priests say the way to have God work through you, is simply to provide a good example by the way you live your life.
On problems:
Life is full of them. In experiencing problems we grow our character. And perhaps start looking at things differently. I have issues that once were problems. But now, I try to live for God’s will in my life, not mine.
What does that mean? I might want a car that doesnt break down and gets me where I think I need to be. God’s Will might be I have no transport and walk. I might want money enough to eat a variety of food. God’s Will I be blessed with a few basics only. And to fast .
I cant solve Syria, you cant, but hey if we all pray , and support those trying to, physically, and spiritually, who knows.