God vs. Sexual immorality

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Walterross

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Hi everyone. My question is… how exactly does God want us to live as far as sexual activity. I know the answer, in a way. I know that we are called to practice chastity and abstain from sexual activity until the sacrament of marriage. I’m a 20 y/o male and wanted to ask, does anyone actually know how hard that is? Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s for the best, but it’s almost so normal to have sex out of wedlock, people will look at you weird for not having done it. For example, I’m in college and am tempted to have sexual intercourse, but I come back to God, realizing that my virginity is pure and should be protected. I feel lonely being a male virgin in today’s society btw. But I say, “if I stay pure until marriage, I will find another who believes the same way I do, and God will bless our marriage immensely.” I’m scared of this being wrong. One of my biggest fears is abstaining from sex my whole life and when I get into the dating game, everyone I’m attracted to has already had sex and look at me as a “goody-two-shoes” and dismiss me as not experienced enough. I can aim to find another virgin to be my spouse, although it may be hard. Another fear is that I’ll never find a virgin mate. Sex is so normalized in today’s society in negative ways, that I feel like there is no one out there who is chaste, looking to save sex for marriage, and wants that for a partner. I’m scared of being alone in this fight and never finding someone with the above beliefs, and having stayed a virgin. I’m almost tempted to have sexual intercourse to “level the playing field” so people I’m attracted to in the future don’t dismiss me as inexperienced, and so I’m not feeling like I’m the only one around practicing chastity. Can anyone relate?
 
God wishes us to follow the teachings of His Church on human sexuality and sexual morals.
Walterross said:
I’m a 20 y/o male and wanted to ask, does anyone actually know how hard that is?
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Yeah, we were all 20 once and the vast majority of us had sex drives. I know I committed many sins and struggled with how impractical many of the teachings were.

I too did not want to be seen as a “goody two shoes” and didn’t want to fall behind my peers in knowledge. Furthermore, people tended to just assume I wasn’t a virgin even when I was, which was annoying. I was accused of being (insert various unsavory words for females here) many times when I was a virgin. Much of it coming from other people (men and women) who were virgins themselves or nearly so, and immature about how to handle their own sexuality.

I am now much older and see wisdom in many of the teachings. Also, sex is not something one needs to live and I think a number of times in my life it was a case of “pump it up, when you don’t really need it” as Elvis Costello says. I could have just skipped all that and turned to the Lord instead.

I am old now and it is much easier to follow the Church teachings for a variety of reasons (hormones die down a bit and other activities take precedence over complicating one’s life with a lot of dumb sex)

I recommend that you do the best you can, recognize the sense in some of the teachings, and try to go along with the ones that you don’t understand. You can pray, “Lord, help me understand this teaching, or if that’s not possible, just help me accept it and put it into practice.” If you fall off the wagon and sin, just get back on the horse and keep on trying. When great saints like St. Augustine struggled with these issues, you know a lot of people besides yourself struggle too. The struggle is real. You need to keep trying though.

God bless
 
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Your chastity is an amazing gift, don’t deny it.

Sex is also a great gift, but don’t waste it on someone you only think you love.

Sex is incredibly overrated, especially among young folks in today’s society.

Hardly ever is it fulfilling or even loving. It’s all about self service unless you are married and creating new life.

Hang in there, it’s definitely worth the wait.
 
Oh you can.

It may be difficult, but don’t go for the low hanging fruit.
There’s lots of options out there.
But the quick and easy options will not give you what you want or truly need.

If you go to Mass often, make friends with the older ladies. They often have daughters or grand daughters with similar values and those old gals love playing “matchmaker” lol

A girl who respects herself will find great reward in finding a guy who is forthcoming enough to respect himself and herself.

Good luck man…
 
Carmelite1983 said:
If you go to Mass often, make friends with the older ladies. They often have daughters or grand daughters with similar values and those old gals love playing “matchmaker” lol
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Never thought about this, but great idea!
Carmelite1983 said:
A girl who respects herself will find great reward in finding a guy who is forthcoming enough to respect himself and herself.
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Very true. I’ll try to keep this in mind.
 
I think you should forget these worries and concerns and live YOUR life according to the commandments. Conforming yourself to the “world” is exactly the thing a Christian is not supposed to do.

Why is sexual activity so important or refraining from it so important? First of all, there are God’s commands. Second, the Church teaches that procreation is the primary purpose of sexual activity, participating in the creative activity of God.

When you tempt yourself to be like so many others, you are probably ALSO assuming that you will use “protection” to avoid conception – so you are sinning by using contraception or relying on abortion as a fall back birth control method. So, there’s MORE to your question than you admit to yourself.

By controlling yourself BEFORE marriage, you are training yourself to be faithful inside the bond of marriage. What’s wrong with that?

My suggestion: knock that little devil off your shoulder who’s whispering all this stuff to you.

Be a man. Be a Christian man. Other people’s opinion of you is not important in this regard.
 
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As an unbeliever I can understand why a Catholic would wish to remain celibate before marriage. But is it acceptable to actively seek someone who has also always been celibate? Surely there is an element of judging and of non-forgiveness in that desire? Why should it matter for a moment to a celibate Catholic whether a potential partner has also always been celibate? What business is it of anyone else?
 
FiveLinden said:
But is it acceptable to actively seek someone who has also always been celibate?
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A person is free to actively seek someone who is on the same page as them with their values. “Not judging” someone doesn’t mean you have to go further than that and date them with an eye towards marrying them. For example, I try very hard not to judge people with addictions or those who have been in prison, but I would not want to date or marry a man in either category, especially since I already had an experience of dating an alcoholic/ pill popper and it did not end well.

The caveat to OP’s condition that his future wife be a virgin is that he’s eliminating a percentage of women from the pool of potential mates, who might have committed sexual sins in the past but have now repented and don’t want to do it going forward, or who made a couple of youthful mistakes but want to now live their lives in a different way. He might even be eliminating some young widows who didn’t commit sin but are no longer virgins due to a previous marriage. Of course, he is also eliminating women who might be inclined to be more loose sexually or who would have trouble dating a male virgin due to the mismatch in experience levels and the value placed on virginity and chastity. If he is okay with dealing with a smaller dating pool, there is nothing wrong with wanting to marry a virgin. Plenty of men want to marry virgins who aren’t even Catholic, simply because they have trouble handling the idea of their future wife having been with another man.
 
As a matter of interest I know Jesus told us not to lust after other people’s wives but did He tell us not to have sex?

Maybe just my faulty memory but I don’t remember that. Honest question.
 
Jesus said:
From within people, from their hearts, come evil thoughts, unchastity, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, licentiousness, envy, blasphemy, arrogance, folly. All these evils come from within and they defile.
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Mark 7:21-23 . Also repeated in similar words at Matthew 15: 19-20:
For from the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, unchastity, theft, false witness, blasphemy. These are what defile a person, but to eat with unwashed hands does not defile.
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Bible quotes from NABRE on USCCB site.
 
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Walterross said:
Hi everyone. My question is… how exactly does God want us to live as far as sexual activity. …
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Proverbs 2:16-18
16 Saving you from a stranger,
from a foreign woman with her smooth words,
17 One who forsakes the companion of her youth
and forgets the covenant of her God;
18 For her path sinks down to death,
and her footsteps lead to the shades.
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Proverbs 21:19
It is better to dwell in a wilderness, than with a quarrelsome and passionate woman.
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Thank you.

Do we know roughly how long after Jesus had said these words (I’d say died but He didn’t) were they written down?
 
I love this book, I recommend you read it. Here’s something I highlighted:

The passionate union of man and woman in God’s plan is meant to be an icon, an earthly sign that points us beyond itself to our eternal destiny of union with God. But when we lose sight of our destiny, when we lose sight of union with God as our ultimate fulfillment, we begin to pin all hopes for happiness on the earthly image. The icon then degenerates into an idol. We come to worship sex itself.

Sin involves confusing our desire for the infinite with finite things. Sexual union, as beautiful and joyous as it is meant to be in God’s plan, always remains a finite thing. It can never satisfy our desire for the infinite. The best it can be is a foreshadowing, a foretaste, of that satisfaction. Hence, Jesus tells us that when the infinite is granted to us in the resurrection, men and women will no longer be given in marriage (see Mt 22:30). In other words, you no longer need an icon to point you to heaven when you’re in heaven. This also explains why some people remain celibate “for the sake of the kingdom of heaven” (Mt 19:12). Most people are called to prepare for heaven in and through the sacrament of marriage. But Christ calls a small minority of men and women to “skip” the sacrament in order to devote all of their hungers and yearnings for love to the marriage that alone can satisfy: the “marriage” of Christ and the Church. When this marriage is lived in the spirit Christ intended, these men and women become a living sign that heaven is real. The eternal union of Christ and the Church is not just an idea or a theory; it is a living reality for which it is worth selling everything.

West, Christopher. The Love That Satisfies: Reflections on Eros & Agape (pp. 32-33). Ascension Press. Kindle Edition.

Wow, how true this is. I’ve looked for love in all the wrong places. I thought once I had this relationship or this thing then I would be happy, be fulfilled. But that ache I feel, only God can fill that. It’s odd now, I used to be so obsessed over finding someone and getting married. Marriage and sex can be wonderful, but without God you’re not going to be satisfied. So I guess I just need to be patient and wait and see what God has in store for me.
 
Lee1 said:
Do we know roughly how long after Jesus had said these words (I’d say died but He didn’t) were they written down?
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i don’t know, although the Gospel of Mark (earliest Gospel) dates from 66-70 AD, so that would have been about 30-40 years after Jesus was walking the earth. It might have been written down earlier than that, that’s why I say “I don’t know”.

I’d suggest that since you’re getting outside the thread topic, you might want to start a thread in Sacred Scripture asking this question. I’m sure there are some experts there who can discuss in more depth and probably provide some additional Biblical references.

One thing to keep in mind is that Jesus came from a Jewish culture with pretty strict sexual behavior laws already in place, so the Jewish people already were bound to a certain level of sexual morality under their existing law. Jesus didn’t need to dwell on this topic in great depth because his audience was pretty much on the same page with him. I think Paul got into it a little more deeply because he was preaching to a lot of Gentiles, some of whom came from cultures where fornication would have likely been more prevalent than in Jewish culture.
 
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All of the things that you are worrying about - that you’ll be made fun of, that you are ‘missing out’, that future women might think less of you due to your virginity - these are all lies from Satan. I’m sure you’ve noticed that there is truth in them - I don’t think Satan ever tries to fool us with a direct lie. All of the things that you are worried about could happen - that part is true. The lie is the suggestion that the best course of action is to capitulate to these fears. That it’s better to lose your virginity - to level the playing field, as you put it - in order to avoid this suffering. If our Lords words are true, then it is most certainly not, and you will be trading something invaluable for a lie. Now make no mistake - this is going to be hard - though still possible. A few observations that may make this easier to stomach:
  1. In my experience, people, even non-religious people, are rarely as concerned or judgmental about your virginity as you think they will be. If your friends tease you about, I suggest you own it! Owning it is the best way to take a lot of the power away from the teasing. And if you ever meet someone who genuinely looks down on you for it, then they probably aren’t someone you’d want to spend your time with anyway.
  2. Don’t worry about lack of experience - any woman who’s worth your time won’t care. Think about it this way - what if you were to find a woman who was perfect for you - who you truly loved. You marry, have sex, only to discover it’s not very good because she’s a virgin. Would this revelation make you love her any less? If not, then it’s probable that any future woman you marry won’t care either.
Look, I’m going to be honest with you - this won’t be easy. Especially with today’s culture. You very well may be in for some suffering. Sticking to your guns might mean enduring some teasing. It might lead to a break up or two. But that suffering is part of being a Christian - it was never going to be easy. Nothing worthwhile ever is. But what you are striving for is good. Chastity is good. Do not let others tell you different. What would you think of someone trying to tell you that honesty, or courage, is a bad thing? Virtue isn’t always easy, but it’s worth it. If you want to talk some more, feel free to PM me.
 
You are in the small minority, but this should be an occasion to be thankful, since you have what most others don’t have. There is nothing worth envying about a sinful life. It leads to emptiness and a lack of purpose.

It might feel like you are the only one, but this isn’t really true. What is true is that other people living chastely have the same tendency as you do to be embarrassed about it due to the prevailing culture. In the future, if you decide to get married, you will look back and be very happy that you lived the way you did.

Get involved in your parish and do good in the world. Grow your muscles: mental and spiritual. The older you get, the more confident you will become, and the less awkward you will feel about the way you live your life. College is a particularly vulnerable period for most people but it is also temporary.

Women aren’t going to look down on you for being a virgin. Not any woman worth your time. That is fantasy. Birds of the same feather flock together.

Peace.
 
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The good news is that once you get past 20, all the struggles completely vanish at once.

But seriously, @Walterross, just fight the good fight. Nobody says it’s easy.
 
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