Going to be a mom soon, worried

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embear

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So I got married last summer and recently found out I’m 7 weeks along with a baby! At first I was happy and anxious, but now the happiness has given way to…terror? :o This is our first child and I have absolutely no idea how my husband and I are going to do this (be parents). There’s the financial aspect, who will watch it while we work, how I will deal with a crying baby (I don’t have much experience with children) and lack of sleep, how our lives and relationship will change, extra responsibilities, etc. We both come from families where you waited until you owned a house and an SUV and were like 30 before you had your 2-3 kids. Husband and I are 24/25 and rent in a tiny apartment, are still figuring out our careers, drive small old cars, and basically have no assets. When I think of telling our families (his is not Catholic) I worry about all the judging and gossiping that will happen and feel like we will be expected to deal with the consequences of “being irresponsible” ourselves. My parents flipped out (in a bad way, said I was too young) when we told them we were getting married and will probably flip out at this news too. We’re visiting them this weekend and I’m dreading sharing the news. Personally I don’t think 24 is young at all…but the fact that none of our friends are married let alone having kids yet and our families aren’t expecting this to happen for a while makes me feel like I’m in over my head with no one to help and it’s terrifying. But maybe it’s all the hormones. Any advice or encouragement on how to deal with this life change and breaking the news would be much appreciated!
 
Something to consider that might take a bit of the pressure off: you don’t have to tell either set of parents right away. In fact, though we knew DH’s parents would be absolutely thrilled, we didn’t tell them until after the first trimester was over in case anything might happen.

For the moment, take it one day at a time. It might be best to present the situation as a fait accompli, so to speak: i.e., once you’ve already made the big decisions, none of which, I hasten to add, must be made immediately. Some evening when you’re both in a fairly calm and non-stressed mood, sit down with your DH and start figuring out childcare. Weigh the pros and cons for your situation: daycare? One of you staying at home, either for a year or two, or permanently? Paying someone you know and trust to watch baby? You don’t have to figure it all out in one evening–just getting the options on the table might help spark some other ideas!

Part of the reason that I mention presenting the situation as a fait accompli is that it will help demonstrate to your parents that you’re both functional adults who are capable of managing on your own. Make absolutely certain when telling them that you do so as a united front. Focus on how happy you are, and present reasonable answers to reasonable questions. If, however, they mistakenly think it’s appropriate at this point to comment on the sex lives of two grown, married adults, correct them on this gently but firmly: “We’re sorry that you’re disappointed that you’ll be grandparents, and hope you’ll change your minds when you meet our baby, but this was our decision and isn’t to be commented on further.” This sort of boundary may need to be set now, from what you describe. You’re not fifteen, knocked up, and asking to live with them. You’re 24, married, have a place to live, and are self-supporting. Any commentary beyond “Congratulations!” is quite rude and inappropriate; better to nip it in the bud now than still be dealing with it three kids later, no?

I remember that hormonal stew of initial pregnancy soooooo well! Be gentle with yourself, and know that it really will all work out in the end, I promise. 🙂
 
embear said:

“We both come from families where you waited until you owned a house and an SUV and were like 30 before you had your 2-3 kids.”

As you know already (at least intellectually), that’s not necessary. They don’t ask for SUV registration papers and a copy of your mortgage at labor and delivery.

Plus, I think there’s a considerable advantage to first having kids and then figuring out what kind of house and furnishings to buy. To give an example, the year before we had our first baby, my husband and I were living in a lovely 2-bedroom apartment, and I decided that I HAD to have a glass coffee table and an elegant halogen floor lamp. Well, we had our first baby (a very planned baby), and I belatedly realized that I couldn’t have chosen dumber, more dangerous furniture items. We had to get rid of both items.

We finally bought our first home this past year in our later 30s after having had our third child the previous year. By that time, I had previously lived in four different homes with kids, and I knew exactly what we needed in a home. I occasionally have a little flicker of regret about this or that, but it would be nothing compared to the regret I’d have if we’d purchased some of the other houses that have caught my fancy.

“Husband and I are 24/25 and rent in a tiny apartment, are still figuring out our careers, drive small old cars, and basically have no assets.”

If you have zero net worth, you are way ahead of most other people your age.

You won’t really “need” a bigger apartment until the baby is mobile, so say around 6 or 7 months.

“When I think of telling our families (his is not Catholic) I worry about all the judging and gossiping that will happen and feel like we will be expected to deal with the consequences of “being irresponsible” ourselves.”

Don’t assume the worst of them, but don’t announce unnecessarily early. Also, don’t give them a chance to form their opinion. It should be “We’re having a baby! We’re so excited!” rather than, “We’re having a baby.”

“My parents flipped out (in a bad way, said I was too young) when we told them we were getting married and will probably flip out at this news too. We’re visiting them this weekend and I’m dreading sharing the news.”

Don’t. You don’t need to tell them right now. Wait a little.

“Personally I don’t think 24 is young at all…”

25 is now the average age of first-time mothers in the US, I believe, so 24 is not at all ridiculous. Plus, you’re getting older all the time.

“but the fact that none of our friends are married let alone having kids yet and our families aren’t expecting this to happen for a while makes me feel like I’m in over my head with no one to help and it’s terrifying.”

Don’t overdo the baby talk with your friends and start looking for additional mommy friends as soon as possible. It’s a common complaint that new parents get so sucked into being new parents that they become bad friends. Don’t do that.

Also, take a personal finance course. Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University is a good one.

Your families may take it better if you announce that you are doing a personal finance course before you announce the new baby. That way, if anybody worries out loud about your finances, you can say, we’re taking this course and we’ve started doing a budget and we’re doing ABC, DEF, XYZ, etc.

Also, there are lots of frugality bloggers (and frugality mom bloggers) these days. Have a look.
 
Twenty-four? Yes, you can take care of a baby at 24. As far as being inexperienced, that is more the norm now than not. Even those who think they know how to take care of a baby find that the “best care” standards have changed a lot in the last 25 years. For that reason, there are a lot of resources out there for parents who have questions about how to go about the tasks and decision-making of parenthood.

You are also fortunate to have become a mother in 2014 instead of in 1974. Forty years ago, your child care problems were* your *child care problems. Now, it is presumed that employers are supposed to care about their employee’s child care issues. (Say what you want about the feminists, but they did wake some people up about some important truths in some areas!) That doesn’t make it automatically easier or solve your problems for you, but you will have more options now than someone in your situation would have when your mother married.

There are a lot of advantages to having your children while you are still young. One of the biggest things that parenting wants is energy! Suffice it to say that you are not likely to have more when you are 30 than you do now. You will also have more time to save for retirement and helping with your children’s education. (Those of us who marry late have rarely started to save early–also a disadvantage.) Likewise, married couples who don’t have children don’t automatically have some big nest egg saved up because they weren’t feeding children. What most of us do is to put at least some of that money towards a higher standard of living, instead. Their children never see a dime of that! I don’t think many lie on their death bed wishing they’d stuck it out for the SUV or more valuable real estate instead of the fine adult child who is there by their bedside.

More to the point, though, if you waited until you were 34, you’d still feel nerves about whether you could be a good mother. The only difference is that you’d be worried that you were too old instead of too young. Do not let your misgivings convince you that you aren’t up to this. Let them convince you that you have the smarts to see this as something important that you care about doing well. You can do this, you can do it well, and you can find rewards in it that nothing else can give you. Dare to believe that!

If your parents flip out, they flip out. One of the things parents learn to do by hard experience is to stick to their guns, take a breath, count to ten, and as calmly as they can seem while doing it let the one choosing to flip out get emotionally exhausted over it. You’ll learn to do it with your children, you’ll learn to do it with your parents, and you’ll learn to do it with all sorts of people who flip out when you exert your rights as a parent instead of letting them bulldoze you around. Try to bear them patiently, but don’t take their outbursts as a reflection on you. They’re testing you! Listen, make your own decision, let them know what boundary you’ve decided on, and feel free to stick with it no matter how they rant. You will not always be right. Sometimes they will be right and you will find you were wrong. No matter. If you make your own decisions with the information and due diligence you have been given, stick with your decisions, and take the consequences, you will be worthy of respect as a parent, no matter who else does not like it!

Your concern about doing a good job makes me think you are going to be great! Find yourself some other young couples who also have children if you can, but whatever happens don’t doubt you can do this. You can, so decide right now that you’ll not hear anything to the contrary! 👍
 
My now 6-month-old baby was my first experience with very young infants. I had heard all about the awfulness of sleep deprivation; I worried that the kid would be colicky; I was scared I was going to accidentally kill my baby through sheer ignorance. My husband and I took a childcare class, which helped a bit, but it was still so scary.

Here’s the truth: Whatever challenges you face, it is MARVELOUS to have a baby with your husband. This tiny person you can cuddle and play with, this expression of you and your husband’s love, this little soul to guide and nurture, this ever-changing wonder…babies are so much more than night feedings and diapers and fussing.

I don’t intend to downplay your difficulties. Your concerns are definitely sensible, and you’ve received some great advice. Take care of yourself, and recruit help for the tough times. But oh, boy, you are really are in for a treat! Congratulations!
 
embear said:
So I got married last summer and recently found out I’m 7 weeks along with a baby! At first I was happy and anxious, but now the happiness has given way to…terror? :o This is our first child and I have absolutely no idea how my husband and I are going to do this (be parents). There’s the financial aspect, who will watch it while we work, how I will deal with a crying baby (I don’t have much experience with children) and lack of sleep, how our lives and relationship will change, extra responsibilities, etc. We both come from families where you waited until you owned a house and an SUV and were like 30 before you had your 2-3 kids. Husband and I are 24/25 and rent in a tiny apartment, are still figuring out our careers, drive small old cars, and basically have no assets. When I think of telling our families (his is not Catholic) I worry about all the judging and gossiping that will happen and feel like we will be expected to deal with the consequences of “being irresponsible” ourselves. My parents flipped out (in a bad way, said I was too young) when we told them we were getting married and will probably flip out at this news too. We’re visiting them this weekend and I’m dreading sharing the news. Personally I don’t think 24 is young at all…but the fact that none of our friends are married let alone having kids yet and our families aren’t expecting this to happen for a while makes me feel like I’m in over my head with no one to help and it’s terrifying. But maybe it’s all the hormones. Any advice or encouragement on how to deal with this life change and breaking the news would be much appreciated!
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  1. Congratulations!!! You can’t begin to understand the wonderfulness coming your way. It isn’t easy (nothing good is) but it IS worth it! I can’t tell you how much of a ray of sunshine my two little girls are to our life.
  2. Relax, the pregnancy lasts for 9 months for a reason. It allow you time to get used to it, allows you time to plan, and allows you time to adjust.
  3. I would suggest holding off on announcing, even to the grandparents. You can’t un-ring a bell. So wait, and let the news settle in for yourselves. Nothing too monumental happens in the 1st trimester anyway. Appointments are far apart, and there is very little to update. Get yourselves comfortable first. Then when you are ready to announce, you can do so and have a few answers to the questions that people may have.
  4. Assume the best about your parents reaction, and be excited. If they want to be Debby Downers, then tell them you will continue the conversation at a later time when they are in a better mood. If they are rude and make the comments like you noted above, set stern boundaries that this is YOUR marriage, YOUR husband/wife, YOUR life, and YOUR baby. You are a grown woman, married, with a place of your own and paying your own bills. You don’t answer to them.
  5. This is a great example of how messed up our society is when we consider a 24 year old married woman “too young” to have a baby.
  6. I suggest looking to your parish about a financial class, or look for a Financial Peace University class to make sure that you both are getting your financial house in order so that money is not a stress.
  7. Remember the old saying: How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. Don’t worry about being ready to handle being a mom, you will do fine. NONE of us was ready, and God gives you the grace to handle the job, when the time comes.
  8. Congratulations!
 
Congratulations! I know your feeling a bit apprehensive now but this is going to be one of the most precious memorable times of your life 🙂

I know how how you feel in regards to telling your parents, I have 4 children and my mother said something negative with the 1st, 3rd and 4th when I told her, but it didn’t take her long to come around and she loves them all to bits and is a wonderful help especially with baby sitting etc while I’m working.

Considering your worried about it I would tell them when you go for the visit that way their reaction is going to be one less worry on your mind and you never know they may be truly happy for you! Just say that hubby and I have some very exciting news were going to have a baby!! (Or God has blessed us with baby)When they see how happy you are it will be harder to be negative and make them feel bad if they bring negativity on a happy event.

As for financial practical issues they will sort them selves out. Just be budget conscious starting now. Babys really don’t cost a lot until they are older, especially if you breast feed and use cloth nappies. Being first baby perhaps someone could throw you a baby shower to help you out on getting set up with the neccesities?

Again congratulations and try to relax and enjoy the experiance this baby is a blessing!
 
Congratulations! :)👍:bounce::yup::clapping:

I don’t really have much in the way of advice on this one. I do have a friend who has 8 children, youngest with Down’s Syndrome. You’d be really surprised what you can do.

She said she took parenting classes, learned a lot. She also developed all kinds of creative solutions of doing things.

She had used arrangements where she’d watch someone else’s kids, and they’d watch hers. Sometimes, this would free her up for certain things.

When I don’t know how to do something, I’d normally ask her. She became so knowledgeable and wise on so many issues.

Further, I really think your children will be a blessing for you. I’ve seen it, where especially later in life, in our old age, those who have children are having “the last laugh” so to speak.
 
embear said:
So I got married last summer and recently found out I’m 7 weeks along with a baby! At first I was happy and anxious, but now the happiness has given way to…terror? :o This is our first child and I have absolutely no idea how my husband and I are going to do this (be parents).
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You can definitely do it. When you first have a child, everything seems terrifying and a matter of life and death. But after oh maybe 6 months when you see the child is still alive and even flourishing on your watch, you begin to relax. By the time you have a second child, everything is old hat.

I have a sister who had children before I did and so I made her my advisor; she said I could call her anytime I had an emergency and that helped a lot. Many of the “emergencies” I experienced were, in retrospect, not emergencies at all. But as I said, gradually you begin to have confidence in yourself.

But, in any event, don’t worry – you don’t have to be some kind of genius or super-competent person to take care of a baby or raise a child. Just love them (and I’m sure you will).
 
EasterJoy said:

“Likewise, married couples who don’t have children don’t automatically have some big nest egg saved up because they weren’t feeding children. What most of us do is to put at least some of that money towards a higher standard of living, instead.”

Oh, yes indeed. Actually having kids is often the kick in the pants that’s necessary to start being serious about finances.

“Your concern about doing a good job makes me think you are going to be great! Find yourself some other young couples who also have children if you can, but whatever happens don’t doubt you can do this. You can, so decide right now that you’ll not hear anything to the contrary!”

Along with parents of kids exactly the same age (which is who we naturally gravitate toward), I would also suggest seeking out parents who have slightly older children, or who also have younger children. For one thing, they will have baby clothes they are happy to give (the things seemingly multiply all by themselves), baby equipment and toys to lend, and experience.

Also, if there is a local mom’s list-serve or forum, I suggest getting on it and researching the subjects you are interested in. Bear in mind that online you run into more people who are “out there,” but you will also get help you would otherwise not find. I once, for instance, was 0987able to test-drive a double jogging stroller because a woman (a complete stranger to me) on an e-mail list-serve offered me a chance to try hers hers. Craigslist is also a source of many good things.

Be warned that a lot of expectant mothers take a one-way ticket to Babyville and don’t come back for years. Be careful not to accidentally befriend a nutty new mom who will depress or annoy you–you’re looking for new friends who will improve your life and make you feel better.

I like the Girlfriends’ Guides. Obviously, Vicki Iovine is not Catholic and her books lack an imprimatur, but she is very good on the emotional dimension of motherhood.
 
Congratulations.

When my wife and I first became pregant, we were in a fairly similar position - recently married, no house (mortgage) yet, but no crippling debt either. My MIL was initially upset that we weren’t “established” yet, etc. But she came around.
embear said:
This is our first child and I have absolutely no idea how my husband and I are going to do this (be parents). There’s the financial aspect, who will watch it while we work, how I will deal with a crying baby (I don’t have much experience with children) and lack of sleep, how our lives and relationship will change, extra responsibilities, etc.
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Don’t worry, no first time parents have experience as parents. We all start with the same sorts of fear, excitement, and expectations. There will be various classes you can take and support groups you can join (eg mothers groups, play groups, etc). While you may seem quite alone in this, you are not alone.
embear said:
Personally I don’t think 24 is young at all…
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And you are right. Don’t worry about what others might say or think. This is about you and your husband, not about external expectations. Have the courage to know that this is right for you and you’ll find that people will get on board with it.
 
I’m just about as far along as you (I think you posted on the thread I started last week, about telling people!) so I’m right there with you as far as being worried about everything 🙂

We also live in a tiny apartment and have little in the way of assets- but have student loans and a car loan. I’m going to need to work after the baby is born, and we don’t know what we are going to do about childcare either! I’m worried about all that and just being a parent in general. I think it’s pretty normal, and our worrying has only just begun and is going to last the rest of our lives, I’m sure!

One thing I don’t have to worry about though, is telling my family, and I’m very sorry that you are so anxious about telling yours. I really do hope that their reaction is more positive than you expect it will be. Even if they react poorly initially (which is completely inappropriate and you do not deserve anything other than congratulations), do you think they will come around? If they want to gossip and be rude, that’s their problem, but if you go in exuding happiness, you can decide not to put up with any negative reactions. It’s truly appalling that people feel free to make the comments they do about other couples’ family decisions. Personally, if I were in your situation I would wait as long as possible to tell them. If you don’t think they will be happy for you, they don’t deserve to know. And if you do, I like UbiCaritas’s suggested response: “We’re sorry that you’re disappointed that you’ll be grandparents, and hope you’ll change your minds when you meet our baby, but this was our decision and isn’t to be commented on further.” That’s perfect.
 
Thank you so much for all the encouragement and kind words everyone 🙂 Reading your responses has been loads of help.

I guess I should mention that before this happened, my husband had been planning to quit his job to get a masters so he could earn more money and I could stay at home with our children. We are generally pretty frugal and have some savings, but the loss of his income for a while would be very rough. I’m blessed to have a job where I only work 3 weeknights a week, so I have been thinking that perhaps him going to school would be a good thing as it would solve our childcare problems since I’d be home when he has classes in the mornings, and he could watch the baby in the evenings while I work. My schedule is a pretty flexible too, and my boss is Eastern Orthodox so I’m sure he would be supportive of whatever I need to do. Money would be tight and it would be difficult but I think I could carry the team for a while. Our biggest priority is keeping any of our kids out of daycare and raising them ourselves.

Seems like the consensus is to wait to break the news to parents. I wouldn’t mind waiting longer but my husband wants to tell them now to get it over with and give them more time to warm up to the idea. Its also pretty hard to hide that I’m feeling miserable around my in-laws, who I see pretty often. They keep asking if I feel better and I have to remember I’ve told them I’ve been recovering from a horrible cold which has left me exhausted, not hungry, and unable to drink alcohol :whacky:
 
Yay! Good for you guys.
See, this is the way we should have done it.
Our bodies were made to have kids optimally when we are in our 20s. It’s easier, you have more energy, and the lack of sleep will hardly be noticed. (I lost way more sleep studying for finals in college).

Regarding telling them to “get it over with”.
Telling them won’t end anything, it will start plenty though.

What will end all the negativity will be when the grandparents meet the new bundle of joy. So the closer you can hold out towards the actual due date will be simplest if you are certain of poor reactions.

There is a chance they may surprise you and turn out helpful.

I’m 42, pregnant with #9 (4 living children). I deeply regret not starting sooner. I never wanted children and was terrified, myself. Now I only wish I could have more.

If people turn against you, they are only being ignorant. Treat them charitably but don’t let them stop you from letting joy into your lives.

Blessings on your wonderful journey.
 
It is a bit scary to find out you are expecting that first baby – I remember how I felt when my wife and I found out that our first baby was on the way. But you will get through it, and before you know it you will be experts at parenting.

Some advice:
  • Read some good books on parenting. I love the Dr. Sears “Baby Book” (I think that is the name of it), as well as the parenting book by Greg and Lisa Popcak (“How to Raise Almost Perfect Catholic Kids” or something like that). A good breastfeeding book would be very helpful as well. And you don’t have to get all of this read before the baby comes; there is plenty of time to continue learning after the birth too.
  • Get lots of help for the first few weeks after the delivery if possible. After the birth of our first son, I took a week off of work, and my mother-in-law stayed with us for two weeks. She was a huge help to my wife, especially as my wife had had a c-section, and there were some initial breastfeeding difficulties.
  • As far as finances, babies really don’t have to cost that much, provided that you have good medical insurance for the delivery and for any other medical bills, and if you are frugal with your baby-related purchases. For example, you should be able to get baby clothes, a car seat, and so on at a consignment sale for much less than you would pay to buy those things brand-new. Also, be careful about going overboard buying things for the baby that you don’t really need. I remember hearing about a relative who bought a “diaper wipe warmer” when she had a baby. (I guess it warms the diaper wipes, so that they aren’t too uncomfortably cold on the baby’s bottom!) My wife and I were rather puzzled – we never even knew such a thing existed, nor in our experience did we see any reason to buy such a thing. 🙂
Best wishes, and don’t worry – you will be a great mom!

P.S. One more thing: You probably should check with your parish soon, to find out if you have to take a class before getting the baby baptized. If you do have to take a class, hopefully you can get the class completed before the baby comes, so that is one less thing to worry about after the baby arrives, and so that you don’t have to put off the baptism.
 
We live in a pedophobic society. You’re just going to have to get used to it.
 
Congrats!!!

My advice is to be very careful about the advice you actually listen to. I don’t have kids yet, but I work in pediatrics and there are some parenting blogs out there that are just downright dangerous. If they start talking conspiracies and “exposing the truth” then chances are the blog is junk.

Your child’s pediatrician’s reputation and livelihood come from keeping children healthy and safe. They read new data all the time and keep up with changes in the health of the public overall and new treatments for childhood issues. Chances are your child’s pediatrician has children and won’t recommend anything they wouldn’t give to or do for their own children. If you come across parenting advice from friends, the internet, etc. that seems strange, seek an expert’s opinion. For example, I ran across a parenting blog that ranted about pediatricians recommending rice cereal for babies because “carbs cause food allergies”. Ugh, the author clearly doesn’t know the baby would die without carbs and the baby gets plenty of carbs in breast milk. The same blogger who ranted on carbs insisted on giving raw liver to her baby. She threw a bunch of technical terms around (improperly) and to someone with the best intentions but no science background she might be convincing. She claimed that because she froze the liver she killed all the germs. (Completely false) I believe someone will be seeing her children in an ER with food poisoning one of these days…

Find one you really connect with. Many offer tours of their offices and will meet with you even before baby is born to let you learn more about them.
 
You’ll have people constantly asking you how many kids you are having and disapproving your whole life. As if it is their business. Practice some lines, it helps.

We want at least 4 of each.

10 seems like a good number, the metric system is so in right now.

You have to have a lot of kids because you might not like the first 5.

Parenting takes practice and you usually mess up the first two, so you have to keep trying.
 
Take motherhood as it comes. Every mother is different, every baby is different. Even the most “prepared” people are totally unprepared to parent their children until the child is born and the parents and child get to know one another well.

St. Gerard is a wonderful intercessor for pregnant mothers and their children, as is our Holy Mother. Why not drop them a prayer line? I guarantee they’ll help you!
 
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