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[Zeemeermin]

Ummm… can I just state what seems to me to be the obvious? Unless we’re talking about a site like Ave Maria, high quality people don’t have to find dates online through anonymous services. High quality people draw others in naturally from the people they interact with. They also have the courage to approach people in person, not anonymously through the web.

Go find and get to know people IRL, at your parish, at work, through volunteer activities and referrals from family and friends you trust. In other words, do it the old-fashioned way. Look in places where people who have the qualities you are looking for are likely to be. Start with your parish’s singles group, or find a multi-parish singles group… there are lots of them.

And also, of course it’s OK to Google these people. You have no obligations to a person you are pretend dating online. You also have no obligations to a person you have met once or twice IRL but know nothing about. You are supposed to use dating to find things out and be discerning. You are doing that, just with Google.

 

[February]

Ummm… can I just state what seems to me to be the obvious? Unless we’re talking about a site like Ave Maria, high quality people don’t have to find dates online through anonymous services. High quality people draw others in naturally from the people they interact with. They also have the courage to approach people in person, not anonymously through the web.

Go find and get to know people IRL, at your parish, at work, through volunteer activities and referrals from family and friends you trust. In other words, do it the old-fashioned way. Look in places where people who have the qualities you are looking for are likely to be. Start with your parish’s singles group, or find a multi-parish singles group… there are lots of them.

And also, of course it’s OK to Google these people. You have no obligations to a person you are pretend dating online. You also have no obligations to a person you have met once or twice IRL but know nothing about. You are supposed to use dating to find things out and be discerning. You are doing that, just with Google.

Wow, thanks Zeermeermin

Look, I went to an all-girls’ high school, was in undergrad and graduate programs consisting of mostly all females, and have interned and worked with mostly all women. I attend a parish full of mostly older people. Most singles groups in the area are aimed towards younger (18-25) or older (40+) people. I’m a busy person with work and family life. I never found “high quality” people when out socializing or through the recommendation of friends. Because of these things and the fact that I’m naturally introverted I have met and dated people through online sites.

With most dating sites you can get a pretty good idea if a person is someone you might want to get to know better. After emailing, calling, and meeting in person you get an even better idea. Would I immediately know the personal beliefs (i.e. religious, political, morals/values) of the random guy I met at the bar, grocery store, or mall? I might be physically attracted to someone I meet “in real life”, but I still would have to learn more about them. There are pros and cons to both situations.

The OP did not say she is “dating” this person. She simply wanted to know if it was morally OK to find out more info about him online. I have done this with people I have met online and with people I’ve met in person. I find it insulting that you would assume that she is “pretend dating” or that people who meet people online are “low quality”.

 

[Zeemeermin]

Once you were out of high school, your choice to restrict yourself to strictly feminine venues was just that … YOUR CHOICE. Even if your particular program was majority feminine, there was a whole university around you with lots of opportunities to meet people. And if none, not one, of your friends has ever been able to give you a quality dating referral, perhaps you should reevaluate the kind of people you hang out with. Water seeks its own level.

 

[azgirl]

Wow, thanks Zeermeermin

Look, I went to an all-girls’ high school, was in undergrad and graduate programs consisting of mostly all females, and have interned and worked with mostly all women. I attend a parish full of mostly older people. Most singles groups in the area are aimed towards younger (18-25) or older (40+) people. I’m a busy person with work and family life. I never found “high quality” people when out socializing or through the recommendation of friends. Because of these things and the fact that I’m naturally introverted I have met and dated people through online sites.

With most dating sites you can get a pretty good idea if a person is someone you might want to get to know better. After emailing, calling, and meeting in person you get an even better idea. Would I immediately know the personal beliefs (i.e. religious, political, morals/values) of the random guy I met at the bar, grocery store, or mall? I might be physically attracted to someone I meet “in real life”, but I still would have to learn more about them. There are pros and cons to both situations.

I was pretty surprised by the comment of pretend dating as well. I have gone out a couple of times with this guy. It was in real life, not a pretend situation at all! I am not a huge fan of online dating, honestly I only do it because I have not had any luck meeting men in the real world. I am not interested in going out clubbing. I am a teacher, therefore, working in a profession with mostly women. The few men I come into contact with in teaching are married or too young for me. My parish consists of mostly families and older people. I have tried some of the local singles stuff around here and it just wasn’t my thing.

I have decided to take a break from online dating. I am going to focus on myself. Get myself in a routine of working out, trying to go out and do more with others. This is challenging as most of my friends are married with kids so I have to go at this basically on my own. I am pretty extroverted so it isn’t that hard for me. The challenge is finding the things I enjoy and finding people to enjoy them with. I have been having a lot of anxiety lately with the no luck in dating so I feel it is time to take a break.

I really feel called to marriage but when things like this happen it makes me wonder. I truly want God to work with me and lead me but I get so distracted.

Okay I have rambled enough. Thank you everyone for your (name removed by moderator)ut!

The OP did not say she is “dating” this person. She simply wanted to know if it was morally OK to find out more info about him online. I have done this with people I have met online and with people I’ve met in person. I find it insulting that you would assume that she is “pretend dating” or that people who meet people online are “low quality”.

 

[Zeemeermin]

azgirl, it’s kind of hard for me to pick out which words are yours since you put them inside the quote box, but I think through careful reading I have figured out what you said.

Taking a break from online dating is probably a good idea. Working on yourself is ALWAYS a good idea! Improving yourself to become worthy of the person you seek is the best strategy for finding him. A good, decent, honest, hardworking man who wants to have a family and support and protect them is going to be looking for a woman who reflects those values in her life already. And you know how many people say they met their one and only after they stopped looking… good luck.

P.S. When I speak of high or low quality, I mean discerning whether the person will be an appropriate and healthy life partner - sharing faith and values, being mature and having healthy habits, etc. There are people who should be high on the list for potential mates, people who should be low on the list, and some who should never make the list. That’s just the truth, and dating is for discerning which a person is. I think we could all agree that a man or woman who randomly hooks up with people in bars every weekend could be considered low quality as mate material, whereas someone who does not do that would rank higher.

 

[February]

Once you were out of high school, your choice to restrict yourself to strictly feminine venues was just that … YOUR CHOICE. Even if your particular program was majority feminine, there was a whole university around you with lots of opportunities to meet people. And if none, not one, of your friends has ever been able to give you a quality dating referral, perhaps you should reevaluate the kind of people you hang out with. Water seeks its own level.

Sometimes people are not what they seem until you get to know them in a dating relationship, whether they be recommended from friends or the internet.

I don’t know how old you are or what you do or what your experiences are/were. During school I was busy working, interning, attending classes, studying, and dealing with my dying mother. I did not live on campus but attended a primarily commuter school. I did socialize with others, however there was not much time to date nor was it a good time emotionally. Yes, I could have met more people but cherish the time now that I spent with my family.

The point is, you can find “high quality” and “low quality” people nearly everywhere you go. It’s 2010, not 1910. If technology is available to help you meet your future spouse (and do a background check) I don’t see anything wrong with that.

 

[lizaanne]

Ummm… can I just state what seems to me to be the obvious? Unless we’re talking about a site like Ave Maria, high quality people don’t have to find dates online through anonymous services. High quality people draw others in naturally from the people they interact with. They also have the courage to approach people in person, not anonymously through the web.

Well - while this may have been true a few years ago when people actually worked with live human beings, that is not always the case in 2010. I work at home most of the week for one of the largest IT companies in the world. My co-workers are literally all over the world, and most of them I never see in person. We work in “virtual” environments - via email and IM chat, and in online conference rooms. So meeting someone at work was not an option.

When I was out of an 11+ year relationship, in my late 30’s and considering dating again, I needed to cut to the chase and remove anyone from consideration who was not a Faithful Catholic at the outset. I just didn’t even want to deal with anyone who had religious differences. The only way to do this was to go to a place that would do that for me, and that was an online service. So whether someone is trying to filter out religion, or someone who hates cats, the best way to do that is to start with an online service that does that for you. I didn’t end up using the service, but I was certainly planning on it had I not met my husband first — online, on a Catholic website.

…Yes, I could have met more people but cherish the time now that I spent with my family.

The point is, you can find “high quality” and “low quality” people nearly everywhere you go. It’s 2010, not 1910. If technology is available to help you meet your future spouse (and do a background check) I don’t see anything wrong with that.

And this is really the point - sadly we live in a very busy world, and much of what we do, be it school or work, is done online. Our social lives are not as live and in person as they used to be. So when we do have free time, how we spend it is very precious. And people are waiting longer to consider marriage - we are not all 18 year olds looking to move out of our parent’s homes to marriage. If someone has gone to university for four years, then on to grad school for another two, and perhaps worked for another two, they are almost 30 by the time they might start considering marriage. For women, that internal baby clock has been ticking for years already, and we quite honestly don’t have the time to muck around with finding the right guy at the coffee shop.

An online dating service can be very helpful in making a match, if used carefully and thoughtfully.

~Liza