Grandfather cheated, divorced and remarried suddenly

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This is excellent advice. We need to be clear with him that is not to speak I’ll of my MIL, because he has and set boundaries. Then, if he accepts those boundaries we will let him know when and if they will be welcome over.

I do think , however, that Unfortunately, he has basically disinvited himself from any future holiday or birthday party that my MIL is at because it would cause her pain. I am not trying to play God, but he should have thought of these consequences before he proposed- without even speaking to his sons first. That being said, it wld cause my MIL too much pain so he needs to accept this fact as well- about parties I mean.
 
It how it worked for our family:

When we have a gathering there is either one or the other grandparent, without their partner. For eg, Christmas is done with one, and New year Evening is done with the other. When it is an important date, such as a marriage or a Christening both are here, but again without any partner. The abandonned grandparent should take on himself/herself sometimes in order to let the family grow.

When the mourning process of the abandonned family member is enough engaged that he or she can spent time with the other without the need to cry frequently, they can be invited both to parties- even if it involved night spent under the same rooth, as long as both have a separate bedroom. This process can last for years, or decades. But under NO CIRCUSTANCES the divorced/separated couple should support the presence of the new "partner that had replaced them. And their children or grandchildren should not be forced to support their presence at their important events for them, nor bound with them.

For casual encounter, some family members have maintained distance with the family member who left for years, some mainted closed contact, but mostly with the parent, not the new partner(s). As for now, the family member don’t hesitate to go to home, and bring sometimes his/her partner, even when nights are involved without asking for any permission before. So we have no say and can’t refuse.

I made it clear to my child (similar age) that thie person is not a grandparent and should not be ask as it is. We don’t speak of his/her and this person is not included in our prayer for family member. he/she is just here sometimes, that’s all. I am not sure who he understand the situation but he don’t confused.

I am surprised that your father in law ask persmission and just don’t go to your house with his new wife without asking anything. That’s a testimony of respect for yourself. I don’t know your local legislation, but in some, the grandparent who is denied to see his grandchildren can go to court to obtain a visitation rights if the parents refused.
 
Did your MIL say that this would cause her too much pain? I would leave that to her to say. I have known many couples who divorced due to infidelity who were able to forgive enough to come together for family events. My mother and father divorced when I was six, due to my mother’s infidelity, and they continued to coparent us and actually danced together at my wedding. And even if it is too painful for her to be around him now, that doesn’t mean it will always be that way. If you are concerned, I would ask her if she would be okay if you invited him to an event.
 
I understand how you feel, but please, don’t take things too far! Let the family (including your husband) work things out. I’m not ‘kicking you out’ of his nuclear family, but he’s known both his parents a lot longer than you have. I’d see it more as having him live up to his responsibilities, rather than leaving you out.

Your MIL has a right to feel hurt. She was cheated on, at least three times? Is his present wife the mother of his out-of-wedlock child? If so, she’s not someone who is going to disappear, even if your DIL does break up with her. So, your children will have to learn about her, eventually.

Divorce is a fact of life, these days. Your children will one day meet a classmate whose parents are divorced(yes, even if they go to catholic schools) and you do want them to be prepared.

In any case, if your FIL stays married for a matter of years, you’ll have to let your kids meet her, whether MIL is still hurting, or not. Probably best to let your husband decide just when, although I would hold the line at asking your children to lie. If your MIL is still hurting, let her be the one to tell them not to mention the woman, if she still feels that strongly. Never teach your kids not to love, it will only complicate things all around.

If you’re close to MIL, as you seem to be, try spending time with her, and encouraging outside interests. Pining over a man who clearly does not want her is not good for her!

Hope this works itself out soon. God Bless!
 
Very tricky situation indeed. The question is do we A) go with society and present all this nonsense as part of life, or do we B) forge our own path, creating an enclave where marital strength and family unity is promoted by you and your husband and the children have a firm base from which to emanate; and bad examples are kept away from the house.

The usual answer is the latter, but your husband is not on board.

I would not allow either the father-in-law nor his new wife to come round because they don’t provide good examples to follow. (So the issue isn’t your mother-in-law at all nor her feelings. She is a good example so she gets to stay. The father-in-law is a bad example so he gets to go.)

Likewise, I wouldn’t allow two lesbians to come over, even if one were my relative, because she would still talk about her “partner.” They don’t portray life as you want it portrayed. They are bad examples.

So the question is can you handle being the bad guy? I would stay strong and hold to your rule. But whenever your husband gets ancy, simply keep a soft tone with your voice. Don’t turn it into an argument. Just use the broken record technique in a soft voice. “As we’ve discussed, he can come over, but not with his new wife. We want our kids to see life as it ought to be lived, not as it is.” Let your husband get all frustrated and argumentative if he wants. He can still have his feelings. Walk away and do something you like to do.

You will have to be the leader in this situation and women don’t like the leadership role in these types of things. That is why this is bothering you and that is why it is hard for you. Your husband isn’t manning up to his leadership role to insulate the family from bad examples.
 
Also your father-in-law is a very impatient man who is unnecessarily putting pressure on your husband. FIL’s impatience and lack of self-control is what got everybody into this mess, so he needs to learn patience. Do not fall for his timeline.
 
Thank you! This is precisely how I feel about it all! I don’t think I should cave to society’s standards. We should respect all people but it doesn’t mean I need to bring immortality into my house and tell them they need to accept it right??
 
Yes she specifically said she cannot be around him. Which puts me in a tough spot because I may be able to tell the wife not to come but I don’t think I can always do that to him. Love the sinner hate the sin right?
 
Thank you. While I know divorce is all around- I don’t think I need to tell them, at these young ages, that they need be ok with it. That is my thing- divorce goes against the church, esp in this instance where he cheated. I don’t want them to think families are disposable and you can just (continually) dump your family and find a new one- as he has done.
 
Your husband is the one who gets to be “in a tough spot”. Each spouse deals with their own parents.
 
You don’t need to tell the kids to be “okay” with divorce. You can still love grandpa even if you aren’t okay with everything he does, just as you will always love your kids even if you aren’t okay with everything they do. Allowing them to spend time with grandpa doesn’t mean you are okay with what he has chosen to do.
 
In fact, knowing you love your kids unconditionally, Is a very important lesson for them to learn. This hierarchy of who’s who, like we don’t like what Grandpa does, but we let him in the house! But not the woman he lives with! And grandma is the most important, because she was the most greatly wronged? Something’s wrong with this picture!
 
In the case before us, it’s naive to believe young children–who are very loyal to family members–can separate the sin from the sinner as an adult can. If they keep seeing Grandpa and the new wife, they will believe it’s okay despite your refined explanations; they will believe in relativism and will go on to make choices matching that training.
 
I could be wrong, but my take is that small children are basically self-centered and don’t pay a lot of attention to adult goings-on except as they relate to the children. I would just explain, if the 6 year old asks, that grandpa and grandma are not together now, but they both still love the child. If they meet the new wife, you could mention in advance that grandpa’s friend might come with him.
Unless precocious i don’t think most 6 year olds understand marriage and certainly not divorce.
 
With regard to love the sinner, I am speaking of myself. We cannot excommunicate him- well we could but I don’t think that is what Christ would say. However, no matter what anyone says, I really don’t believe the new wife should be coming around my house and we just act like this is life. Divorce happens. I have a very inquisitive 6 year old who will definitely be wondering what is going on. As it is my FIL refuses to come around without the wife and hasn’t seen my kids in a year. So he is the only who has to live with himself and his new life.
 
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It’s a very difficult situation as you can see. But what is wrong and right is a very much up to your beliefs insofar as what you want to expose your children to as a Catholic.

I am not an idiot, of course they will, and have been exposed to divorce- but they weren’t aware of the situation. However, I am not going to teach them it’s ok to keep starting new families whenever you’re unhappy. This isn’t church doctrine. Marriage is for life, and if you ask me, divorce is at the heart of the modern day problems in the family. I would know, as my husband and I are both products of divorce and it has made our lives really hard managing all the different parties, taking care of one family member because they don’t have a spouse etc etc. It isn’t normal and we shouldn’t treat it as so. What we teach our kids when they are young is what they grow to accept and do themselves later in life.
 
Right and I have never said he couldn’t come around. He just chooses not to do so. A little background, he bullied my MIL after this all happened and, said she would have to deal with this as they would be around each other for family parties etc- well he assumed this wrong. His sons didn’t have any intention of wacky family parties/holidays with his new family. So at any rate, they told him this and he said he won’t come anywhere without the wife. So he has chosen not to ever come visit his son or grandkids. Very sad-but his choice wouldn’t you say? I don’t think I should bend my rules, in a situation I don’t agree with, just so he comes around do you? It’s like he is bullying us to get his way.
 
Lara said:
n the case before us, it’s naive to believe young children–who are very loyal to family members–can separate the sin from the sinner as an adult can. If they keep seeing Grandpa and the new wife, they will believe it’s okay despite your refined explanations; they will believe in relativism and will go on to make choices matching that training.
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Or not.

I don’t believe in relativism. My parents divorced when I was 4, both remarried when I was 6, and my father went on to divorce and remarry another 2 times.

I am neither relativist nor do I believe in divorce. Nor have I made any of the choices my parents made.

Don’t generalize. It’s offensive.
 
Tell your kids to ask your FIL why is such a bad person.

BTW, does your husband have a relationship with the half sibling?

How does your husband feel about doing that knowing how much it hurts HIS mom?
 
He doesn’t have a very close relationship with his half sibling. And as far as hiring his mom- he and his brother are of the mindset that they told her not to get back together with him and they felt bad at first but now think she needs to move on. Consequently, she only tells me her feelings because she knows theirs and it puts me in a very bad position.
 
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