Grandfather cheated, divorced and remarried suddenly

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Lara- no offense meant. I wasn’t generalizing. I have a sociology background and quite a breadth of knowledge in what I spoke of.

Of course, not everyone fits into every study done on divorce and the family. But, when I made that statement, I was speaking of a majority- based on research-not my opinion/generalization.

I know we have to be very careful with what we say these days- someone is always looking to be offended. But, truly, I didn’t mean to offend you. For heaven’s sake, I am a product of divorce. At any rate, I am pretty sure I said that it was based on research. If I didn’t, I stand corrected.
 
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No, NewYorkmom. 1ke singled out my reply and chose to be offended by it. Some people dislike generalizations, but I’m all for them.

It’s hard to refute 1ke’s personal experience because I don’t have all the facts about her life. For instance, she could have six siblings who went on to divorce and remarry and she could be the only one who surfaced from family breakdown to know the truth.
 
Lara said:
For instance, she could have six siblings who went on to divorce and remarry and she could be the only one who surfaced from family breakdown to know the truth.
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She has 3 siblings, all of whom have married only once (and all are still married— to spouses who also have never been married to anyone else).
 
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How can discussion boards exist without generalizations? Most of the wars on CAF, or the contention and escalation of tempers, start when one person insists that only his viewpoint is accurate, or only his wording is accurate, or that blah-blah-blah—and ensuing comments that become barbs as the thread continues often result in temporary or permanent suspension.

Most 3-year-olds know that exceptions exist for a generalization. No treats before meals—but once in while Mommy gives in. Dogs bite—well, if they know you, and like you, they might not.

I can understand saying something to the effect:

“As a child of divorce, I’ve heard that all my life, but lots of us are exceptions to that statement, so although what you say could happen, it might not.”

Or: “Please remember that what you say is just a generalization, and not necessarily true in all cases. Many of us who are children of divorce go on to just one marriage.”

It’s difficult to conduct any conversation without generalizations. Some might think that “…it’s offensive,” is a generalization, since not everyone would be offended.
 
Lara said:
No, NewYorkmom. 1ke singled out my reply and chose to be offended by it. Some people dislike generalizations, but I’m all for them.
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I don’t find what you said offensive, exactly, but I also don’t think it’s fair to say that it’s “naive” to believe young children are capable of separating the sin from the sinner the same way adults can. Some children will be able to and some won’t. But it’s not outside of the realm of possibility that some will be able to.

The fact of the matter is that, like it or not, kids are oftentimes smarter and more capable of handling things than adults give them credit for, and sometimes trying to protect them from the knowledge of difficult issues like divorce (or grief, or death, or whatnot) can do more harm than good. It can also cause trust issues between kids and parents, because kids can tell when parents are not telling the complete story in regard to a situation, and then will have difficulty trusting that a parent is being forthcoming with them about issues that happen in the family. There’s a real danger that these kids will then be reluctant to come to their parents for help or advice with other serious issues, and that they will likely seek help from other sources, who may or may not be trustworthy.

There are age appropriate ways to communicate with children about tough issues. They can be taught that we can love people while not approving of what they do. I really wish Mr. Rogers was still alive…
 
Lara- new here and sorry these threads are confusing me seeing who wrote things. I was, admittedly, confused because your initial response seemed very much in line with my thinking!

To all- I thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I am not on here to get in disputes with anyone! Text, email and forums are difficult as you can’t hear tone of voice. At any rate, I appreciate everyone on here who has taken the time out tried to offer advice. 😊
 
Divorce and remarriage is all around us. Kids are going to see examples of it. It’s simply unavoidable. My parents are both remarried and I certainly believe in the sanctity and permanence of marriage as well as the sin of adultery.
 
NewYorkmom said:
To all- I thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut.
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Aww, that’s sweet. You’re welcome.

I just took a few minutes to read the entire thread for an update.
In my original response to you, I was very, very concerned when you wrote that “the whole family is acting like I am the villain for not letting her in to meet the kids”.

I had a dysfunctional marriage that lasted a little over 20 years with my ex. I know what it’s like to be considered the villain by the whole family, so I wasn’t sure if you were receiving a lot of direct negativity for trying to do the right thing by your Faith belief.

I am so sorry that you and your husband are dealing with this.

Honestly, the grandma, grandpa, and new wife should be able to set differences aside and focus on their grands, son, and daughter-in-law.

But really, MIL, FIL, and new wife are not what’s important here.

The important people in all of this mess are your DH, you, and your precious babies.
Marriage is tough at times.
Here at CAF, we could respond that you’re 100% spot-on with your boundaries towards FIL and new wife. But perfect boundaries won’t necessarily make this situation healthy for your marriage.

At the end of the day, your husband that you love has told you that you can’t keep his father away from him. Your greatest dilemma right now is protecting your marriage from the toxicity of his parents’ unhealthy choices.

Are you and DH able to find some alone time together so you can work this issue out?

I remember utilizing a concept called the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) through the marriagebuilders program. POJA is the concept where both spouses have to “enthusiastically agree” on their course of action together.

In other words, for your marriage to remain solid through this situation, DH and you will have to come up with a solution together that you both are 100% positively happy with. Anything less, and it will negatively impact one, or both, of your feelings toward each other.

You’re wanting to protect your children (and your MIL to some extent) and your DH is wanting his dad to be a part of his life. Both are very noble actions. Now the challenge is how to have what you both need and want, in a way that you both are completely happy with.

Can you and DH discuss the MIL/FIL/new wife situation and come up with a solution that makes you both enthusiastic? The course of action you agree upon can’t leave either one of you uncomfortable or unhappy with your joint decision. Doing so will drain the proverbial “love tank” or “love bank”, which is something couples should avoid if they want a solid marriage.

Peace,
MJ
 
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Thank you for all the feedback! I am very interested in the Marriage Builders program- that sounds like something we could use!

Our marriage is great- we don’t have any huge issues. But joint decision making can be an issue because we don’t always see the world through the same lense. This makes my husband shut down on me when I try to have a heavier discussion. Where would I find this program? TIA!

Best,
Erin
 
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Maybe you should be raising your eyes, not lowering them…
Did Jesus ever exclude anyone from his presence, because they were sinners?
You never even said what your priest has said. Have you even consulted him?

I’ve always kind of disliked
this expression, as it has become part of many a person’s ‘bumper sticker theology’ but I think it applies here…

What Would Jesus Do?

My last post on this thread. And God Bless…everyone involved!
 
NewYorkmom said:
Where would I find this program? TIA!
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Hi NewYorkMom,

You’re welcome.

The Marriage Builders (MB) basic concepts, including the POJA, can be found: https://www.marriagebuilders.com/basic-concepts.htm

The site offers a plethora of solid information. Many couples who came from divorced have used this program to create a solid marriage. Of the many programs I have observed, MB has the most realistic, sound plan to put into action because of the Policy of Joint Agreement and a few other tools. My second favorite plan for a strong marriage and family is The Five Love Languages, but reading your thread brought MB to mind for your current situation with DH, FIL, and MIL.

Hope this helps.

Peace,
MamaJewel
 
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Legend said:
Did Jesus ever exclude anyone from his presence, because they were sinners?
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Yes, the impenitent sinner.
Legend said:
What Would Jesus Do?
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Jesus would say, “Go, and sin no more”.
If the sinner were to give less of a care, and expect Christ to bow to the sinner’s wishes, then Christ would have “stamped the dust from his feet” and left the sinner alone to their own ways.

When Christ delivered His message of salvation to his own townsfolk, they were going to stone him.
What did Jesus do?
He left his town and took his message elsewhere.
 
Thank you!! I have read much about the love languages and love that concept! I will check this out! Your thoughts have been most helpful! Thank you!
 
People in this world get divorced, remarried, cheat and do other things you might not agree with. The kids are still pretty young. I’d just simply say things didn’t work out between grandma and grandpa. Grandpa has a different wife now, but Grandma and Grandpa still love you, and your step Grandma (?) would like to get to know you…aren’t you lucky to have so many people that love you?
Focus on how they are with your kids and not with their personal lives if they aren’t going to harm children by living them. Can’t FIL and his wife visit, and then MIL visit another time? His new wife isn’t necessarily Cruella deVille. Think how awkward she feels. Try not to get involved in the whole love triangle and focus on the grandparent relationships with the kids.
 
I don’t think you realize the weight of your own words. “Things didn’t work out between Grandma and Grandpa.” Listen to how many lessons are contained within those few words. These are words that have ripple effects for years and years into the future.

I wouldn’t give one thought to how “awkward the new wife feels.” She pushed in on another woman’s territory and took that woman’s husband. The new wife is bound to feel “awkward.”

As for, “if they aren’t going to harm children by living their personal lives.” What is your definition of harm? I–as somebody whose parents have been married fifty-nine years–think of this grandpa as having done enormous damage. I wonder what he can actually teach the grandkids that is good that could offset the bad. If I were a child, I’d wonder if love can die from a grandpa to his wife, could it not also die between my parents? Why should I trust that grandpa still loves me? What is love if not self-sacrifice?

In the case of the OP, if I re-introduced grandpa to the children, I would say: "All people have flaws. Some people have very big flaws in their character. Your grandpa is one such person. He hurt grandma in many many ways. Because he is weak, he needs our love. He has made a mistake and married a new wife. He doesn’t think it’s a mistake. So we cannot talk about that. We cannot change that. It’s like a cookie that has been baked. It cannot change back to dough.

The new wife wants to be part of our family. She is not your grandma. You only have one grandma. The new wife is more like a teacher at school. You have to respect her, and be kind to her, and you may love her. You may call her Jane or Mrs. X."
 
Lara said:
I wouldn’t give one thought to how “awkward the new wife feels.” She pushed in on another woman’s territory and took that woman’s husband. The new wife is bound to feel “awkward.”
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I blame the one who was married more. For all we know he could have persued her. It’s also, from the OP, not the first time he cheated.
 
Yes I am in total agreement here. Unfortunately, I think I do need to say grandpa made some bad choices… but you’re right in adding but we need to love him still.

And the new wife is claiming she knew nothing of the fact that my FIL was with my MIL when they got together. This may be true, however, how do you marry someone you knew that little about?! Unfortunately, the new wife is a bit of a victim- but that’s another story. So I don’t have much sympathy for her cause.

And I do think telling my sensitive six year old that sometimes marriages don’t work out would get him worried about his own parents and, fortunately, my husband is nothing like his father- so he need not worry about that.

I guess, at the end of the day, I feel ok not having the new wife over so I thank you for making me realize I am not wrong in this mentality. I have received many great responses here that have been very helpful!
 
You’re right it’s not the first time. I have come to learn, from my MIL, that he cheated their whole marriage and her sons never knew. He is a classic narcissist. He thinks his boys are adults and this is fine to do to them. He is just self centered and only cares about himself. It’s just very very sad.
 
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