Grandma Enthusiasm

[CradleJourney]

I already pointed that out. She told me that he didn’t count as help because “he’s a man”. I flipped (my husband has been incredible throughout this whole thing) we had a fight, and she apologized and explained that she just really wanted to be there because her mom was so involved when I was born. But my father was a raging lunatic drunk, so there’s that.

Just an idea - but sounds like she may have been thinking about this for a very long time - remembering the good part of her mom being there, them bonding over you, how much gratitude she felt for her mom (and imaginining then how much you’d feel towards her, how close you two would bond over the baby, the proverbial “passing of the torch”, the honoring her own mom by “paying it forward”, etc.)

If this is right, remember you can’t fight her emotional expectations with plain, simple logic alone. Make sure you overemphasize exactly how much you’re looking forward to her coming, how much you appreciate her being part of this special time, etc…starting right after hubby goes back to work. Not going to be easy, I’m afraid, but if you can keep turning it to the positives of her visit while remaining firm on the timing, maybe you can get her to accept it better.

 

[kptrs]

Oh, and “everyone in your life other than your husband” can be tactfully told to Butt. Out. C’mon, you of all people know how marriage works. The most important relationship is the one of husband and wife. No one else’s opinion matters. You and your husband do whatever is best for your family and all the others can look after themselves.

 

[Allegra]

Don’t pull your hair out!

This is your first child. You might not realize that typically, grandmothers make themselves available to help nurture new families the first few days up to a week or more depending on the situation. Your denial of your mother’s help and response is atypical. There are new mothers that would give their right arm for what you are rejecting. I’m sure your mother feels bad and doesn’t understand your mindset.
If a tight apartment is an issue then have her stay at a nearby B & B or hotel. dona.org/what-is-a-doula/ The concept of a doula is a cross culture thing.

I am soooo glad that neither my mother, step-mother, or MIL had this expectation of me! Well, I think my dad had to have a talk with my step-mother. She can be intrusive and completely unaware of what is inappropriate. I wouldn’t put it past her to post photos of me with my legs in the air on social media. If a new mother wants the help, well okay then, but I can think of nothing more stressful than having my mother or MIL staring at me while I try to start a new baby nursing and telling me I’m doing it all wrong. Brief visits are one thing, but 24-7 for a week!? Yikes and no thank you!

 

[Xantippe]

Play this up- the part of needing her more during the 2nd and 3rd week, maybe say you don’t know what you will do without her help as you’ve heard that time is the roughest and you’ll be alone.

Yeah.

You can play the guilt card, too. “Mom, I **need **you once my husband goes back to work.”

 

[Nanni_amore]

From the beginning of time, women have been cared for and nurtured as they become mothers. Family, friends and neighbors from the community would rally around the new family to help guide them through their tender early weeks and months with a new baby.

dona.org/what-is-a-doula/benefits-of-a-doula/

I’m quite shocked by the overwhelming consensus here that seems to reject what women/mothers have done since the beginning of time.
Odd

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

From my own experience, I think staggering help is more sufficient than everyone all at once.

If DH is able to be home the first week, then your mom should come later. You don’t want to not have anyone the second week.

I’d insist.

 

[Allegra]

dona.org/what-is-a-doula/benefits-of-a-doula/

I’m quite shocked by the overwhelming consensus here that seems to reject what women/mothers have done since the beginning of time.
Odd

Not odd. It isn’t the “beginning of time” anymore. Women aren’t first time mothers at the age of 12. Why wouldn’t they reject being treated as though they were? This is a very special time for a baby to bond with his mother and father. For goodness sake, people ought to have the common sense not to intrude on that with their own emotional “needs”. She’s just asking for a week, for crying out loud!

 

[Xantippe]

Don’t pull your hair out!

This is your first child. You might not realize that typically, grandmothers make themselves available to help nurture new families the first few days up to a week or more depending on the situation. **Your denial of your mother’s help and response is atypical. ** There are new mothers that would give their right arm for what you are rejecting. I’m sure your mother feels bad and doesn’t understand your mindset.
If a tight apartment is an issue then have her stay at a nearby B & B or hotel. dona.org/what-is-a-doula/ The concept of a doula is a cross culture thing.

I’ve often heard US moms want to just be with their husband and baby initially.

I would add that there are some bad situations the first couple days that a grandma might catch that a new mom might not–but it’s less likely if BEL is going to be bottle-feeding.

skepticalob.com/2017/07/long-term-neurodevelopmental-outcome-after-neonatal-dehydration.html

A B & B or an airbnb would be a good option for BEL’s mom, if she could be talked into it. It might be possible to persuade her that it’s actually very inexpensive, blah blah blah.

But I think BEL and her husband should be able to manage that first week. One caution I have is making sure and having a night time strategy prepared (or several). Once or twice, I’ve brought home a new baby, had a great first day at home, and then realized that–oops–we need to get through the night, get a little sleep, and aren’t really sure how to do it. There are a number of different ways to do this.

 

[Xantippe]

F**rom my own experience, I think staggering help is more sufficient than everyone all at once.
**
If DH is able to be home the first week, then your mom should come later. You don’t want to not have anyone the second week.

I’d insist.

Yeah–what is it with people believing that newborns “go bad” if you wait longer than a month to visit?

Honest, they keep getting cuter!

 

[Allegra]

Yeah–what is it with people believing that newborns “go bad” if you wait longer than a month to visit?

Honest, they keep getting cuter!

I can totally understand wanting to see a new grandbaby the day he’s born or after, but expecting to stay with a new mom in a tiny apartment for a week in order to do it is a little extreme!

 

[Allegra]

I already pointed that out. She told me that he didn’t count as help because “he’s a man”. I flipped .

I would have said, “How’s he supposed to learn if you do everything for him?”

 

[Xantippe]

I can’t imagine you having a hard time speaking your mind.

“NO. Didn’t hear me? NO.”

Later, YES. Immediately after the birth? “NO”

For a zillion reasons but 2 jump to mind:
My MIL came out form Texas when my eldest was born. Her darling son thought “this is fabulous! Mom will help with laundry, she’ll cook all my favorites meals…”

You guessed it.
She did nothing. NOTHING. She cooked not one pot of soup, she did no laundry “I don’t know how to work your machine” and the hubs spent a fortune on carry out food and watching both me and the baby recover from a C section.

The second reason is that women of that era will insist on many things that we now know are not such great practices…like having a baby sleep in a certain unsafe position, falling asleep themselves with baby in arms, giving the baby a pacifier (GAH!) and lecturing you on breast-feeding or not breast-feeding.

NO!!!
Develop you own routine before anyone comes in to “tell you how to do it”.

And, get yourself a copy of Penelope’s Leach’s excellent book: **“Your Baby and Child”. **
A standard in the arena of common sense and best practices, if you don’t already own it.

Good luck!

Indeed.

I have high hopes that BEL’s mom won’t repeat your MIL’s performance, but you never really know with postpartum visitors.

My equivalent story was the time I had my parents, sister, BIL, and toddler nephew visiting us when Big Girl was a couple months old. I believe my parents were staying with us and the others were staying at a hotel. It turned out that my parents, sister and BIL had a couple days of business meetings with each other at my house while I essentially catered the whole shebang…My dad did pay for Chinese takeout once, but there were a couple days of me doing very little besides cooking and running my dishwasher–I barely got to hold my own baby.



I did not expect that–it just kind of happened.

The Xantippe of today is a different person than the Xantippe of 2002, and I would not allow that to happen again, but at the time I didn’t even realize what was happening until it was practically over.

I also like Penelope Leach a lot (pretty pictures, too!).

Also, get your pediatrician lined up.

 

[Xantippe]

I would have said, “How’s he supposed to learn if you do everything for him?”

Yeah.

This is literally his one shot to get comfortable with the baby before he goes back to work. This is a big deal.

 

[Allegra]

Yeah.

This is literally his one shot to get comfortable with the baby before he goes back to work. This is a big deal.

Yeah, and establishing a system is sort of important. We were fortunate in that my husband got two weeks paid leave. Then we were unfortunate in that with my first baby, the first week was spent in NICU. But then we were still fortunate because lots of dads don’t get squat for paternity leave.

 

[Bonnie]

The baby didn’t die from HIV, it was meningitis from herpes, called meningitis HSV-1. HIV is spread through blood, breastmilk and sexual activity, not kissing. The baby did not have HIV.

Thanks for the correction - I remembered it wrong. But I got the initial letter right!

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I would have said, “How’s he supposed to learn if you do everything for him?”

I got her to chuckle a little when I pointed out that he doesn’t want his MIL over his shoulder as he gets to know his new baby any more than I want mine over my shoulder.

I guess I’m lucky, we have a great relationship with both of our families and everyone really does have the best intentions. I don’t believe my mom would stick me with hosting duties, I don’t think she would (intentionally) undermine my efforts, or try to compete with my husband. But between the hormones, healing, and huge adjustment, I just want my space and privacy.

Thanks everyone! I know I have to stay firm, and that’s exactly the advice I would give anyone else who asked. I just needed to hear it myself.

 

[heidi_storage]

Quite aside from everything that’s been mentioned, it is a huge service to have a more extended period in which to work out breastfeeding, should you choose to do that. This is often very time-consuming (and difficult) in the beginning, and having an extra week of help will give you more time to “work” at it if that’s what you want to do.

Oh yeah–have your mom or someone make you some meals for after she’s gone, and stock your freezer beforehand yourself, too. With any luck, you won’t have to cook for a month postpartum.

 

[Kay_Cee]

Establish your boundaries and stick to them!

When my first baby was born, my MIL came over every morning to “help” take care of the baby. What it resulted in was her taking over completely the care of the baby–and the only way I was allowed (yes, allowed!) to take care of my daughter was to nurse her. I didn’t even get to give her a bath until she was two months old. Instead my MIL left me to do all the housework while she enjoyed taking care of my baby.

I begged my husband to do something about it, but he wouldn’t stand up to her.

How I wish I had stuck to my guns.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Quite aside from everything that’s been mentioned, it is a huge service to have a more extended period in which to work out breastfeeding, should you choose to do that. This is often very time-consuming (and difficult) in the beginning, and having an extra week of help will give you more time to “work” at it if that’s what you want to do.

Oh yeah–have your mom or someone make you some meals for after she’s gone, and stock your freezer beforehand yourself, too. With any luck, you won’t have to cook for a month postpartum.

While I don’t think my mom has any intent of making me care for her, her physical limitations keep her from being able to cook, or vacuum, or do anything that involves standing for more than a few minutes. I’ll have my freezer stocked with chili beforehand, and between that and my husband’s culinary talents, we should be set.

I know she wants to help, but I also know that realistically, her help will probably be exclusively snuggling and loving on her new grandbaby. I’m so ok with that; my kid couldn’t have a better grandma. Hubby and I have always been an ‘us against the world’ team and I know we can count on each other and get into a rhythm that works. It will just take a little time and trial and error.

I know I might sound overconfident, and who knows, having my first may hit me with a huge dose of reality. But my situation is pretty good as far as marriage, finances, and family go. People raise great kids starting from infancy in far worse circumstances than mine, so I kind of feel like hard doesn’t mean insurmountable.

 

[Xantippe]

Establish your boundaries and stick to them!

When my first baby was born, my MIL came over every morning to “help” take care of the baby. What it resulted in was her taking over completely the care of the baby–and the only way I was allowed (yes, allowed!) to take care of my daughter was to nurse her. I didn’t even get to give her a bath until she was two months old. Instead my MIL left me to do all the housework while she enjoyed taking care of my baby.

I begged my husband to do something about it, but he wouldn’t stand up to her.

How I wish I had stuck to my guns.

!!!

That’s a big problem, that when you’re a new mom, you’re just not in a good position to stand up for yourself.