Grandma Enthusiasm

[Bonnie]

awww
Every situation is different. My dear mother meant well and I learned a quietude from her the brief time I had her after my NB came home. My MIL was busy on the phone with friends and work most of the time she ‘helped’ me. I learned what NOT to do observing her LOL.
Either way I appreciated their help and concern but was happy when they left.
The point is that they continued to be a part of my new family life for years to come. Grandparents go away when they die and then you miss them.

But you are you, I’m me, and BlueEyedLady is herself. We have different personalities & different tolerances. My parents & in-laws were very much a part of our family in spite of (or because of) their hands-off styles. And they are all missed.

 

[Xantippe]

That’s the problem - a small apartment. Hard to “think spaciously” when you’re on top of each other.

My mother didn’t visit until about 6 weeks after my first child was born (can’t remember why - she may have still been teaching). In-laws came after about 4 weeks. Their choices. It worked out for me as I was a basket case - I was older & literally knew nothing about caring for babies! Husband taught me how to change diapers.

That kind of delay is not unusual with long distances.

I think my parents and in-laws have tended to visit in the 1-2 month range, although I think there was one visit at two weeks (that’s when the baptism was scheduled).

With our first, I think we really benefited from the fact that my husband (a college professor) was available at home (it being the summer) and since I was using a breast pump, he was the primary hands-on parent until he had to go back to work a month or so later. I think it made for him being a much more confident parent from the beginning (although I was at a bit of a loss once he went back to work and I needed to pump without him to hold the baby).

 

[Bonnie]

That kind of delay is not unusual with long distances.

Yes - distance - especially when you’re older - can be a problem. In-laws didn’t come to visit with 2nd baby - 2000 miles was too much for them. And while he was my 2nd - he was their 30th or 40th grandchild/great-grandchild. Not exactly a new experience for them!

 

[Nanni_amore]

Yes - distance - especially when you’re older - can be a problem. In-laws didn’t come to visit with 2nd baby - 2000 miles was too much for them. And while he was my 2nd - he was their 30th or 40th grandchild/great-grandchild. Not exactly a new experience for them!

Sigh

I hope your children have found grandparent-like people in their daily lives. Certainly you will understand a little more when you become a grandparent.

 

[Xantippe]

Yes - distance - especially when you’re older - can be a problem. In-laws didn’t come to visit with 2nd baby - 2000 miles was too much for them. And while he was my 2nd - he was their 30th or 40th grandchild/great-grandchild. Not exactly a new experience for them!

Oh, wow.

 

[Xantippe]

Sigh

I hope your children have found grandparent-like people in their daily lives. Certainly you will understand a little more when you become a grandparent.

Which raises the question, why do some grandparents never get the How to Grandparent manual?

I have a set of grandparents in my extended family that lived half a mile from their daughter, SIL and grandson, but there were years where they put essentially zero effort into maintaining some sort of relationship with their grandson (the first of their grandchildren for several years). They have stepped it up the last few years, but their grandson is going to be graduating from high school in the near future–who knows how much he’s going to be available in a year or two?

 

[pianistclare]

Sigh

I hope your children have found grandparent-like people in their daily lives. Certainly you will understand a little more when you become a grandparent.

Well that’s an arrogant statement.
Those of us who know this poster well now that she’s not 16.
Sheesh.

 

[Bonnie]

Sigh

I hope your children have found grandparent-like people in their daily lives. Certainly you will understand a little more when you become a grandparent.

Why the sigh? Considering they’re both in their late 20s, I don’t think they’re looking for grandparents. Until our parents died, the kids had a great time with them. Why would I not understand grandparents just because I’m not one? I had grandparents & my children had grandparents. Many of my friends are grandparents - a couple are great-grandparents - we’re all older than dirt.

 

[Nanni_amore]

Why the sigh? Considering they’re both in their late 20s, I don’t think they’re looking for grandparents. Until our parents died, the kids had a great time with them. Why would I not understand grandparents just because I’m not one? I had grandparents & my children had grandparents. Many of my friends are grandparents - a couple are great-grandparents - we’re all older than dirt.

Oh I see now I didn’t understand your status and current age of children. I am glad they had a chance to enjoy their grandparents. I meant your experience and understanding will make you good grandparent. All those years of parenting add up to alota’ wisdom!

 

[Irishmom2]

Before our first child was born, my husband still in school and lived away during the week. We lived with my mom at the time, and I thank God for that! I don’t know what we would have done without her. (After the baby was born, my husband commuted back and forth each day, he couldn’t bear to be away from the baby.) My mom was there to answer questions, she would let me take a nap, she cooked dinner, she did laundry. She didn’t ask, she just helped out when she saw a need. When my maternity leave was up, it was my mom that took care of our baby.

I feel sorry for people that didn’t have what I have, that had annoying or “get in the way,” or need to be entertained moms or MILs. I know that I was blessed to have her. When we moved 7 hours away, she came about a week or so before and stayed with my oldest 2 children once I left for the hospital to give birth to my 3rd child. It was nice knowing they were in good hands. My oldest 2 have great memories of their grandma. She was a big part of their life. I only wish my youngest had gotten to know her, but he was about 2 when she died.

My advice is to be firm, and honest. “Mom, we would love for you to be here, but it’s not possible right away. After “husband” and I have some time alone to get used to being a new family, I will still need your help. I hope you can make it then.”

Wishing you all the best BEL, for a healthy baby and an uncomplicated delivery!

 

[Lorelei12]

I feel very sorry for all those women/new mothers who don’t feel comfortable with their own mothers at the special time afterbirth. There are many, many very good mothers/grandmothers who are perfectly suited and able who help DDs or DILs postpartum.

There is no need to feel sorry for those of us who knew what we and our families needed, and did just that. Our son has a wonderful relationship with both sets of grandparents, despite the fact that neither my mother or mother-in-law lived with us after he was born. As someone else pointed out, many of us have husbands who are quite capable of taking care of the things we cannot do.

I feel sorry for the women who needed time with her new family, and for whatever reason did not get that, either because of unforeseen complications or because Grandma was pushy and insisted on her own agenda. Disrespect of boundaries is a really good way to alienate oneself from grandchildren.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

There is no need to feel sorry for those of us who knew what we and our families needed, and did just that. Our son has a wonderful relationship with both sets of grandparents, despite the fact that neither my mother or mother-in-law lived with us after he was born. As someone else pointed out, many of us have husbands who are quite capable of taking care of the things we cannot do.

I feel sorry for the women who needed time with her new family, and for whatever reason did not get that, either because of unforeseen complications or because Grandma was pushy and insisted on her own agenda. Disrespect of boundaries is a really good way to alienate oneself from grandchildren.

Yeah, it has nothing to do with her “suitability” or my discomfort with her. I simply can’t imagine being around anyone at that time. If I could, both her and my MIL are wonderful women and both fit the bill. There is not a thing that could be changed about either of them to make me ok with the situation. It’s just a blanket I don’t want anyone at all staying with me during the worst of the healing.

 

[Allegra]

This is the perfect demonstration of why I don’t want my mom (or MIL, or SIL, or any female relatives or friends) over my shoulder from day 1. Even being pregnant I’ve gotten so much conflicting but well-meaning advice that I can and do just brush off. But when the person is your mother, living with you, and it’s about a baby instead of a pregnancy and you’re recovering from a big medical thing, it’s harder to ignore.

Unless it comes from my OB or pediatrician, I’m really not too concerned about it. I hate it when people play amateur lawyer because they can ruin their lives or someone else’s. Playing doctor is even worse!

I don’t know if a doctor would tell you this or not, but from one woman to another, if you’ve got stitches in after giving birth, avoiding spicy foods until they heal is pretty sage advice. As far as breastmilk goes, . If the kid won’t nurse or is gassy, you may want to try to change your diet to make it more mild, but many people around the world have much spicier diets and breastfeed babies with no trouble.

 

[Allegra]

Well that’s an arrogant statement.
Those of us who know this poster well now that she’s not 16.
Sheesh.

We were in the Dells this weekend and I saw a t-shirt in a smart-aleck t-shirt show that said, “The best sanctimommies get promoted to sanctigrannies.” Somehow, this thread reminds me of that.

Anyway, I don’t think the “hail granny” posters could do a better job of demonstrating how detrimental it would be to have a mother or MIL hanging over a new mother’s shoulder for a week solid if they were deliberately trying to discourage it.

Again, I’m very happy that no one in my life felt entitled to that. My mom did a great job of teaching me how to care for babies…when I was ten and she put me to work caring for the last one she gave birth to. She didn’t feel the need to linger in my business when mine were born. She showed up, posed with the kids for a facebook photo, talked about how cute they were and how smart they looked, and went on her way. MIL more or less did the same, though she stayed a little longer, since she had to come from out-of-state.

 

[1990Domer]

It seems that every culture has a different list of foods that are good and bad for breastfeeding mothers. The La Leche League suggests a fresh wholesome diet is all that is necessary. The mother needs to be careful only if the baby has an allergic or adverse reaction to breast milk. In the case of chili, I think common sense would dictate that extra mild is better than hot. You would be surprised though how little common sense a person has when sleep deprived. A good doula, grandmother or helper senses a mother’s special needs and works to keep every one safe.

I feel very sorry for all those women/new mothers who don’t feel comfortable with their own mothers at the special time afterbirth. There are many, many very good mothers/grandmothers who are perfectly suited and able who help DDs or DILs postpartum.

While my own DM and MIL weren’t perfect I appreciated the time I had to see and understand their humanity and expressions of love however feeble.

We are all inadequate. This is what all truly great mothers learn. Only Our Blessed Mother exemplifies radiance and perfection :harp:

Our Lady, in all perfection, only had her husband by her side when she gave birth. Interesting fact we often forget!

 

[1990Domer]

Sigh

I hope your children have found grandparent-like people in their daily lives. Certainly you will understand a little more when you become a grandparent.

I have a running joke that I hope my son continues to discern a religious vocation because I would make a terrible MIL…which would mean I would be a bug of a grandma.

Not all grandparents are rosy. When my in-laws learned their only grandchild had special needs, off they went because he couldn’t show them the affection they wanted. They have since passed. We have a better relationship with them in death than in life (sounds weird, but it is true).

 

[1990Domer]

Yeah, it has nothing to do with her “suitability” or my discomfort with her. I simply can’t imagine being around anyone at that time. If I could, both her and my MIL are wonderful women and both fit the bill. There is not a thing that could be changed about either of them to make me ok with the situation. It’s just a blanket I don’t want anyone at all staying with me during the worst of the healing.

BEL, DH and I are just like you. God made the decision easy for us when DS came 6 weeks early. He was in the NICU, so we really ever needed the help those first 2 weeks.

 

[1990Domer]

BEL,

All the best to you and DH on the birth of your child!! Enjoy! Children are precious, and you’ll love being a mom!!!