Grandpaents as childcare providers

  • Thread starter Thread starter samaritana
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Samaritana, this is your choice.
If your husband thinks grandparents are supposed to look after grandchildren, he can baby-sit them all he wants. You have the right to tell them charitably, but plainly that you are not going to baby-sit full-time. If needed, you can set specific boundaries if you are willing to sit once in a while. Some people need concrete boundaries - such as twice per month, or whatever you are willing to do.

I don’t know of any scripture or Church teaching that requires grand-parents to provide child-care.
 
samaritana said:
well, my situation is that I am the “step-grandparent”, but I am also a young mother raising small children. I stay at home, so my husband thinks that I should also provide full time care for his grandson who is still in diapers (diapers being one thing I did not want to do again).

In the beginning my step-daughter said it would only be occasionally on Saturdays, when her mom couldn’t take care of him. then it was weekday evenings and every Saturday and some sundays. Now its full time 8-12 hours 5 days a week.

I feel I am a bad Christian, but I don’t want to do it anymore. I just want to raise my own, and not plan what I do around her hectic schedule.

what should I do? How can I cope with this situation?
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Unacceptable! Don’t cope. Change this for your own health. Do so as charitably as you can, as quickly as you can. I can only pray for improvement in your circumstances. Trust in God. Sorry for your predicament.

Peace
 
samaritana said:
Should grandparents provide full time childcare for their grandchildren? Or should working adult children pay for daycare, and only ask parents occasionally? Please le me know your opinions. thanks
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I was the “nanny” for my two grandchildren up until they started kindergarten.My daughter is an RN so I didn’t have them five days a week,only two days I week.I will be the nanny for my grand baby to born in Dec,I feel blessed that I am able to be there for them.It also provides peace if mind for the parents,because outside of mom and dad,who will live them as much as the grandparents?😉
 
My mom was a SAHM when I was little, I think it was around 2nd grade when she went back to work. Dad got into drugs and well someone had to pay the bills. My grandmother watched us. I never heard of her complaining. That was just my second home.🤷 When my parents divorced, my father could spend time with us if we were at our grandparents house. It was his mom and dad. Every other weekend we were at their house. They never thought of us as a burden. I think they could have been embarrassed that their son would drop us off there and never show back up.
So, we were at my Nana and Poppy’s house after school and every other weekend. They are not with us anymore and I cherish the memories and the things they taught me. I knew of a lot of kids who went to their grandparents house to be looked after growing up…and I’m not old, just 24. lol. I think it takes a village to raise a child.
I know that my MIL picks up my nieces sometimes after school. She will also take off work if the babies are sick and my SIL can’t take off. I won’t have the luxury of having grandparents around when I start having babies because of my husband’s career. I know that both sets of grandparents would do anything for my future children and if they were closer would watch them if I needed them too.
 
If the family chooses that, they do. I think it should be taken VERY carefully that the children (parents) don’t feel the grandparents are OBLIGATED to care for their children, especially as age/health sets in. I also think at least a token amount of money should be offered, and specific hours/days set in writing.

Generally, I’m not for it as I’ve seen too many go bad, and too many grandparents “stuck” caring for the kids because the parents feel entitled to it. They can’t afford daycare, but somehow they can go to xyz vacations/smart phones/nice cars/spas/etc every year. Of course, I’m talking full time (7am/5pm), not a day or two a week/few hours/etc.

No problem with the occasional babysitting!
what should I do? How can I cope with this situation?
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DH needs to handle it, but as of DATE you will be unable to provide care.
 
In my case,I offered to be the daycare for my grandchildren.I was always fortunate to be a stay at home mom.These days that is a near impossibility for many young families.Also,the thought of an little infant in daycare,not receiving the one on one attention and love that infants need,makes my heart hurt.
 
The only reason I can think of that grandparents “shouldn’t” baby-sit their grandkids is if they don’t want to or are physically unable to do so. I don’t think anybody should tell grandparents that they shouldn’t baby-sit or that they must baby-sit. It’s up to them if they want to do it or not. My mother and step-mother baby-sit once a week for my neice and they intend to do it for my baby when she comes. They do it because they want to spend time with their grand-daughters. (But not too much time.)
 
My mother worked 4 days a week as a legal secretary, and since my father worked irregular hours in a steel mill and my sister and I were looked after by our maternal grandparents. It worked very well for us, and my time with my grandparents is something that I treasure to this day.
 
It depends on the family I would ask for a day or two a week, or on emergency not fulltime. But it depends on the family and if the grandparents enjoy this-some love it some not.some will offer to watch more-some not at all. No right or wrong answer here.
 
mommy_k said:
It depends on the family I would ask for a day or two a week, or on emergency not fulltime. But it depends on the family and if the grandparents enjoy this-some love it some not.some will offer to watch more-some not at all. No right or wrong answer here.
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Exactly. If she were doing it and loving it and someone else tried to tell her she was being used, she could tell them to fly a kite then, too. She knows what she can do and she knows what works for her. Unless perhaps she is wearing herself out and her husband feels he needs to step in to keep her from killing herself off or shortchanging her own immediate family, she needs to apologize to no one, whichever way she goes.

(In that case, though, the daughter ought to try to reimburse her somehow, even if she can’t get her mom to accept it. A laborer is worth her wage…)
 
Grandparents should never, never be obliged or required to provide daycare for their grand children. If they wish to, that is absolutely acceptable and helpful and all of those good things. However, if they do not want to, no harm is done. In my experience, neither set of grandparents would be willing to do full-time daycare for my children or my nieces and nephews. I can’t blame them. It is not a reflection of their lack of love for our kids–not even in the least. But they have already raised children. They are loving filling the role of grandma and grandpa.

All families of course are different. Some grandparents may WANT to be the full-time care. Hey, that’s awesome if they do. It would save the family gobs of money. But, I would argue that no grandparent should be just expected to.
 
samaritana said:
Should grandparents provide full time childcare for their grandchildren? Or should working adult children pay for daycare, and only ask parents occasionally? Please le me know your opinions. thanks
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Every family has to figure out their own solutions to these issues.

Some grandparents like the idea of caring for their grandchildren and making sure they are raised right.

Others feel that they have “done their time” and want to enjoy their freedom before old age and illness take it away from them.

The ideal solution would be for both parents to work from home on flexible schedules, so that they can both be fully involved with the raising of their children.
 
“I stay at home, so my husband thinks that I should also provide full time care for his grandson who is still in diapers (diapers being one thing I did not want to do again).”

Gah!

My biggest question here would be, is this temporary, or is this the plan for the next several years? If it’s only for the next three months, I’d say grin and bear it, but it’s not OK as a permanent arrangement unless you are thrilled about it (which you’re not).
 
samaritana said:
Thank you, I have been feeling horribly with myself for not wanting to do this anymore.
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Please don’t feel horribly.

As mothers, our first obligation is to our children. As wives, our first obligation is to our husband. Balancing this can be difficult when the two seemingly conflict. But just as you are to honor your husband, he is to love you as Christ loves His church. Tell him your worries. Help him to understand your need to be available to your own children, and help him to understand that you are struggling with the care of such a young one. This is not a weakness on your part. It is an admission of reality.
 
DeniseNY said:
My mother worked 4 days a week as a legal secretary, and since my father worked irregular hours in a steel mill and my sister and I were looked after by our maternal grandparents. It worked very well for us, and my time with my grandparents is something that I treasure to this day.
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We spend many summers with our grandma while we were out of school. I’m grateful for that time we got to spend with her because my mom was really depressed at that time and insufferable to be around. Whenever they were near each other, they made everyone miserable. If she hadn’t watched us, we probably wouldn’t hardly have gotten to see her.

It is pretty normal in my family for women who aren’t working to look after kids. My mom did it for my aunt. My grandma did it for her. My aunt did it for her step daughter. My other aunt watched my mom and my uncle. Nobody got snooty about it because what goes around comes around. Unfortunatley, everybody is at least partially employed right now. (darn economy) I have to hire a nanny. The idea kinda creeps me out a little. On the other hand, I probably don’t have to worry about the nanny feeding my kid candy and ice cream all day like my grandma did with us.
 
samaritana said:
well, my situation is that I am the “step-grandparent”, but I am also a young mother raising small children. I stay at home, so my husband thinks that I should also provide full time care for his grandson who is still in diapers (diapers being one thing I did not want to do again).

In the beginning my step-daughter said it would only be occasionally on Saturdays, when her mom couldn’t take care of him. then it was weekday evenings and every Saturday and some sundays. Now its full time 8-12 hours 5 days a week.

I feel I am a bad Christian, but I don’t want to do it anymore. I just want to raise my own, and not plan what I do around her hectic schedule.

what should I do? How can I cope with this situation?
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I think you need to point out to your husband that you originally agreed to an occasional Saturday, and this has expanded to consume and disrupt your life and the life of the young children you are actually responsible and ask him to let his daughter know you will no longer be able to provide daycare for her. If he is unwilling to do that, then explain to him that he needs to take care of his grandchildren rather than have you fulfill what he seems to think he ought to provide.

ETA: Somehow I missed that you had received advice about this already… :o To be honest, I took care of a friend’s child for several months, full-time while my friend worked, and it is disrupting, altho I was happy to do it and the child was out of diapers 😉 But I can totally see your point of view: you have your little ones to love and cherish and care for and raise, and now you have another child added to the mix for 40 to 60 hours a week, unpaid!!!, yes, definitely you are under no obligation whatsoever to do this.
 
It should be up to each individual family.

Personally? I’m a firm believer that grandparents shouldn’t be expected to be the daycare center for their grandchildren.

You have kids? You figure it out…someone stays at home or you go the daycare route.

The reason why I believe this is because of my current situation and frustration. When my husband and I had our daughter…I gave up my job to be a SAHM. We took a financial hit but it made infinitely more sense to do this then pay the high daycare costs. We cut out cable, cell phones and got rid of a car to make it work.

My sister and her husband had a baby a year later. According to them…they can’t afford daycare or sacrificing a job. My parents stepped in to watch their son while they work. Neither have cut anything from their lifestyles. They both still have smart phones, brand new cars for each, cable and other niceties they can’t live without.

I’d like to go back to school soon and have a babysitting rotation of my parents, my MIL and my husband…but I really can’t since my sister has monopolized my parents time. I’ve asked my mother if their was an end date…or where they going to continue this until their son starts preschool? She shrugged and said she didn’t know.

Maybe it’s a bit of a jealous side of me flaring up…but I always thought that when you bring a child into the world…you make the sacrifice and figure out how to care for the child. Not enlist a string of relatives for pennies or for free in order to keep your original lifestyle.

I see this all the time. I get that day care costs are high…but no one seems to want to sacrifice anything anymore.
I know several people who employ their parents to watch their kids…bemoaning the high costs of daycare and in the same breath brag about the new vehicle they bought a few months ago…or whip out their smart phone to answer a text.
 
Kelfa28 said:
It should be up to each individual family.

Personally? I’m a firm believer that grandparents shouldn’t be expected to be the daycare center for their grandchildren.

You have kids? You figure it out…someone stays at home or you go the daycare route.

The reason why I believe this is because of my current situation and frustration. When my husband and I had our daughter…I gave up my job to be a SAHM. We took a financial hit but it made infinitely more sense to do this then pay the high daycare costs. We cut out cable, cell phones and got rid of a car to make it work.

My sister and her husband had a baby a year later. According to them…they can’t afford daycare or sacrificing a job. My parents stepped in to watch their son while they work. Neither have cut anything from their lifestyles. They both still have smart phones, brand new cars for each, cable and other niceties they can’t live without.

I’d like to go back to school soon and have a babysitting rotation of my parents, my MIL and my husband…but I really can’t since my sister has monopolized my parents time. I’ve asked my mother if their was an end date…or where they going to continue this until their son starts preschool? She shrugged and said she didn’t know.

Maybe it’s a bit of a jealous side of me flaring up…but I always thought that when you bring a child into the world…you make the sacrifice and figure out how to care for the child. Not enlist a string of relatives for pennies or for free in order to keep your original lifestyle.

I see this all the time. I get that day care costs are high…but no one seems to want to sacrifice anything anymore.
I know several people who employ their parents to watch their kids…bemoaning the high costs of daycare and in the same breath brag about the new vehicle they bought a few months ago…or whip out their smart phone to answer a text.
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There are more reasons than just financial to not put a newborn baby into a daycare center. Lots of grandparents agree to watch an infant in order to keep them in a less germy and more attentive environment than a daycare center can provide.
 
My MIL watched our oldest daughter full-time for several years, although she started preschool when she was 2 1/2, so at that point she wasn’t with her all the time anymore. When we had our second child, I started working part-time, so she just watched the kids part-time. Now she watches our 3 kids 2 days a week (though the oldest is in school and the middle one is in preschool, so they are not there all the time.) My FIL is usually home from work on one of those days, and my mom comes over for awhile on the other day to help out, so it’s rarely just my MIL watching them by herself. We are expecting our fourth baby in December, and we will use a home daycare for one of the days that I work, at least for awhile, so that it won’t be too overwhelming for my MIL.

Anyway, having grandparents watch the kids has worked for us, since we only need childcare two days a week, we have both sets of parents nearby, the older two are in school or preschool, my husband has a flexible schedule and can leave work early to pick up our oldest from the bus stop, and I can work from home if I need to. Also, our parents are in their 60s so they are not elderly, and they are still capable of watching them.

I don’t think grandparents are obligated to watch their grandkids. Sometimes they are not physically capable of doing so. Sometimes the request might be unreasonable, such as wanting grandparents to watch 3 kids under age 4 for 40 hours a week. But I have to say it sounds selfish to refuse to watch your grandkids AT ALL for no other reason than you’ve “done your time.” If I was retired and still in good shape physically, I wouldn’t mind watching my grandkids some day, probably for a maximum of two days a week. I wouldn’t want to do it full-time, but I certainly don’t think two days a week is a big deal, especially after you’ve experienced four kids 24-7! The grandkids go home at the end of the day – it’s not like I would have to get up in the middle of the night with them. I would still have plenty of time for my hobbies and other pursuits. My in-laws sing in the church choir and have traveled all over the world. My MIL is in some other church groups too.

Also, when our parents are elderly, my husband and I can help them out more, by taking them to doctor’s appointments and on errands, helping them with chores, etc. We are so lucky to have so much family nearby. We all help each other out.
 
Allegra said:
There are more reasons than just financial to not put a newborn baby into a daycare center. Lots of grandparents agree to watch an infant in order to keep them in a less germy and more attentive environment than a daycare center can provide.
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Which is fine and I agree…but I’m talking long term…over the course of a few years. Preschool seems to be expensive too…why not wait until kindergarten starts five years down the line?

I mentioned in my post that my sister had no end date for this arrangement. No clear indication that this was short term…until they felt it was safer to put a baby in daycare. Six to nine month olds are babies but they aren’t newborns.
 
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