Grieving a Loss

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Is anyone else out there grieving a recent (or not so recent) loss of a loved one, family member, or friend?

I lost a son about a year ago and have found it helpful to talk about it to others who understand.

I know that I will see my son again, but that doesn’t totally erase the loss or the sadness of not having him in my life. Jesus has given me the strength to carry on, and my faith has grown incredibly deep roots. And yet, there are days when God has to wipe away my tears…days when only He knows how to console me.

If you’ve lost someone recently, maybe this forum could be a support for you. I have been so impressed by the warmth and caring expressed on these boards. I definitely feel like I’m “in family” when I’m here.

Thanks, and God bless you.

Mary
 
That’s a terrible loss, to lose your son. I can’t imagine that. I lost my husband to cancer 6 years ago, but it is not so recent anymore. I know time helps, I can say that much. I’m so sorry for your loss…
 
I am so sorry that you lost your son. I can’t even imagine what you are going through. I am glad though that you are finding comfort in God. When your feeling bad, maybe go sit with Jesus in the Adoration of the Sacrament, if you don’t do that already.

If you feel okay doing it, why don’t you tell us a little about your son? What was he like, joyful things you remember about him. We are here to listen.
 
I have lost many of my family over the years. It is one of the hardest parts of life and learning. The loss of a child is certainly the hardest to bear. May God grant you great comfort and hope. Having suffered the lose of many loved one’s I still grieve but I know deep down in my heart that God has perfected them beyond my sight. They are happy though I am not.

God knew the length of their days before He ever spoke them into being. He never gives more than they were created to bear and never takes them from our presence a second sooner than He knows their temporary life here on earth was meant to accomplish. I know they were and are His beloved children much more so than mine. In that I know comfort.

I know I shall never have to worry if they are well and happy, are they hungry, cold or abandoned. They are fully satisfied and well loved. I no longer must think they may need something I cannot obtain for them. God provides all of their needs.

I am supplied with great wealth of sorrow and grief at their loss. But I have great abundance of treasure to offer in prayer for them. I can offer prayer for them if they are in need perhaps having a time of final purification in purgatory. I know they are alive in Christ fully or will one day soon be.

I focus on the Joy of that reunion, and keep my efforts on earth to give honor and glory to God as He created me to do. I know they are cheering me on, I know I can count on their treasured prayers also. We are still a family. We are united in our love of God. Nestled in His heart. Together we still speak the language of love.

God bless and comfort you until the day you have completed Gods plans for you. Bathed in His grace, comforted in your sorrow, perfected in suffering, you too will one day have a joyful reunion with your beloved son. A reunion much as the one Our Heavenly Father had when Christ came home to Him once again.

In the meantime, together we share our pain and sorrow and we try to understand that “Grief and loss are a portal through which we may view eternity. The broken heart is a window through which our Lord offers us his own sacramental presence. Bereavement is a doorway through which we may ascend to a higher understanding and imitation of his own self sacrificing love”

May God Bless and comfort you,
Marie
 
Thank you for such compassionate and Christ-filled responses. I feel as if the Lord Himself has visited me and given me consolation through your words.

My son was 30 years old when God took him home. He had struggled for years with a bipolar disorder, so it was hard for him to feel “normal” and to believe that God loved him. However, about a year before he died, he began to realize how much Jesus loved him, and he had a turnaround – he gave his life over to the Lord. I believe that’s what God was waiting for in his life. He turned toward heaven and God just took him the rest of the way.
I rejoice knowing that he’s there now.

He was funny and caring. Kids loved him because he always took the time to play with them, read stories to them, or get down on the floor to play their games. They looked forward to seeing him. I miss his jokes and his sense of humor. I miss hearing his voice on the phone when he would call and say “How’re ya doin’ Mama?” I miss having him come over on a Saturday, “just for the heck of it.” I know I will see him again and that time will make the loss less painful. In the meantime, I give my pain to the Lord and He understands.

In the words of Marie:
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Marie:
In the meantime, together we share our pain and sorrow and we try to understand that “Grief and loss are a portal through which we may view eternity. The broken heart is a window through which our Lord offers us his own sacramental presence. Bereavement is a doorway through which we may ascend to a higher understanding and imitation of his own self sacrificing love”

May God Bless and comfort you,
Marie
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I would love to hear from other people who have had losses…it’s good to share from our Catholic point of view. It’s good also to be in the company of those who want to love the Lord and who understand.

Thanks,

Mary
 
Mary, your son sounds like a special person. I’m picturing him up in heaven romping around and playing with all the children who have gone before us!
 
Oh, Mary, I am so sorry 😦 I lost my baby boy, Liam, last October. He was born prematurely and lived about three hours after delivery.

I know our situations are very different, but if it helps, I get great comfort from Mass when the priest introduces the “Hosanna”. I like to think that Liam’s voice is raised with all the choir of angels as is mine. It’s the one moment each week that I feel closest to him until we are together again in heaven.

God bless you!
Love,
Annie
 
Losing a child has to be one of the most devastating losses a person can experience. I’m so sorry for your loss, Annie. I can’t imagine losing a baby.

You’re absolutely right about feeling closer during Mass. That’s where heaven meets earth and where, as you say, we are in the company of angels, because they are constantly before the throne of God. When Jesus is present with us, we are truly the closest we can be to heaven here on earth. I will remember you and Liam, Annie. May Jesus comfort you.

Mary
 
Thank you, Mary. It’s been a difficult year 😦 But, my faith is stronger, and knowing that Liam is up there in the arms of our Mother also comforts me.

A dear friend told me after we lost him that we should be comforted in knowing that by remaining open to life, we allowed God to create a soul that lives in Eternity with Him without having to suffer from too much pain here on Earth. And, yes, that has truly comforted me.

Love,
Annie
 
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AnnieM:
A dear friend told me after we lost him that we should be comforted in knowing that by remaining open to life, we allowed God to create a soul that lives in Eternity with Him without having to suffer from too much pain here on Earth. And, yes, that has truly comforted me.
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Annie,
Your friend is so very right. When we focus on the fact that as parents, God gives us such a special gift when we say yes to life it helps heal the wound somewhat. He gives us the sweet gift of souls created for heaven and charges us to raise them up as daughters and son’s for Him in Eternity. Sometimes the gift is swiftly perfected before we feel we have yet begun. But God plucks His rose’s only at the perfect time.

I know that the sting of his loss, though it hurts so severely, is in the end, the greatest gift of all. Little Liam is still your little boy and you are the mother of a Saint.
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Mary:
My son was 30 years old when God took him home. He had struggled for years with a bipolar disorder, so it was hard for him to feel “normal” and to believe that God loved him. However, about a year before he died, he began to realize how much Jesus loved him, and he had a turnaround – he gave his life over to the Lord. I believe that’s what God was waiting for in his life. He turned toward heaven and God just took him the rest of the way.I rejoice knowing that he’s there now.
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Mary,
Your son sounds so wonderful. God only gives the best and even though your son may not have felt normal, God knew he was special. In His love and mercy he provided what your son needed and again, at the perfect time, he plucked His rose.

You too have a special mothers pain and a special joy. United to the suffering of Our Blessed Mother in the loss of your sweet son, but I know he is such a joy to God as he helps the little ones. I bet he is playing a wonderful game of sorts with Liam right now. I also think I can name a few more little saints from my family who are up there enjoying Liam and your son’s company too. Patty Ann, Gracia, Thomas and Francis (twins) , and Sadie. Heaven only has the very best roses and the littlest Saints are truly from our own families.

May God Bless and Comfort you both.
Marie
 
Mary, May the Lord comfort you. Losing a child is very hard. Some years ago my older brother was killed in a car accident, and it affected me deeply. But it affected my mother even more. I had lost a brother; but she had lost a son. Nothing was ever quite the same for her afterwards.
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Maresiedotes:
I know that I will see my son again, but that doesn’t totally erase the loss or the sadness of not having him in my life.
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I know what you mean. I lost my wife suddenly 6 years ago; and I do know that one day we will be reunited again in heaven, and it is that hope of reunion with her that makes me want to get to heaven. That thought is a comfort to me, yet.not quite enough, since I still do not have her here. In marriage we two became one, but death pulled us apart, making me feel like less than one.

May God be with you.

JimG
 
Jim, God bless you…what an incredible ache you must feel.

One thing I’ve learned is that Jesus is always with me, perhaps more so when I’m grieving, because my need for Him is even greater at those times. I also know that His plan is perfect, though we have a very hard time understanding it sometimes.

Praise Him for the loving hearts he gave you and your wife. Fill up the void she left with Jesus…He understands what it means to have a broken heart. Your love is still very precious to Him. He is using it to further prepare you for your home in heaven someday.

Here’s a poem I wrote a few months after my son died. I think you might enjoy reading it. LOVE is what will remain after all is gone from this world. Your love for each other reaches across two different places and still unites your hearts. It will be even greater when you meet again.

My Bridge

I wanted to honor him
by writing a lyrical eulogy,
but the tsunami of grief
battered me into a world
of drawn shades and unbelief.
I ran, screaming after Time,
hoping to grab it by the hand
and jerk it back to one frozen moment
so it could say to me,
“This is Official…
it’s the Last Time you’ll see him,
so make this count.”
Instead, that moment slipped by me
as quietly as the angels
who came to lift his soul from his body
on that bright Saturday morning.

The tsunami has passed now,
and in the growing sunrise,
I heal
by gathering the fragments
scattered across my life…
And I piece them together,
one by one,
into my own secret bridge
that reaches across Time into Eternity,
where our spirits can touch,
just as they always have…
because LOVE IS.

by M.E. Miro © 2003

God bless you, Jim. Give your sorrow to the Lord…it’s a sign of the love you were privileged to share, and you can offer it for others who have never heard of love.

Mary
 
One thing that I realized later, was that I felt a lot of guilt about his death. I think I pushed it below the surface for a long time. His was quite a medical nightmare, with everything going wrong with his cancer treatment, and I was pretty much in denial throughout, blinded to what was happening. My little girls were 3 and 1, so I was overwhelmed and couldn’t be much help, especially since I was lacking in any extended family.

Also, there were times when I was selfish, just like any normal person is at times. But, when someone ends up dying, you can blow that up into more than it was. Or, you can push it below the surface with justifications. I remember one time getting angry at him because he had been stubborn and not gotten medical insurence which really added to our stress. I should have made us get it though! And, I should have been more involved with the doctor visits, I thought. But, the oncologist was an hour away and it was too hard with babies.

Anyways, I can go on and on, there are dozens of details that I was guilty of, or felt I was. My husband thought I was such a good wife, and I felt like I had really fooled him! He was such a sweet and kind man and seemed so noble in his suffering! I was lucky to have had him as a husband!
 
White Dove,

Don’t beat yourself up over what you could have done or what might have been. That’s Satan’s voice trying to discourage you. You did the very best with the situation, I’m sure. It’s not easy having two small children AND a very sick husband all at the same time.

What you said about your hustand
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WhiteDove:
Anyways, I can go on and on, there are dozens of details that I was guilty of, or felt I was. My husband thought I was such a good wife, and I felt like I had really fooled him! He was such a sweet and kind man and seemed so noble in his suffering! I was lucky to have had him as a husband!
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proves that Christ’s grace was very much present in your marriage…and now Jesus has taken him home, where he is praying for you and loving you still. Take the guilt and turn it into ways of keeping good memories alive for you and your girls. Tell them how noble he was, how much their daddy loved Jesus and that he’s praying for them. Leave your guilt at the foot of the cross…Jesus will know exactly what to do with it.

I’ll be praying for you. God give you comfort and consolation.

Mary
 
Earlier this year my uncle committed suicide. This is the first person I have known well in my life who has died. This came at a time in my life when I was already going through some tough things and I felt so awful at the time because the night before he died I thought about calling him, but didn’t. My family does not understand why, and I think that has been the hardest part of it all.
 
Dear Maresie,
I’ve pretty much come to terms with some of these feelings of guilt. But, I wanted to bring them up here for the sake of others.I think, because I was so utterly overwhelmed with practical matters when my husband died that I never even realized I had them until things started to ease up in my life. It’s probably that way for a lot of people. Sometimes, things happen in life too quickly to know what even hit you!

Anyways, grief takes a lot of time to work through and never totally goes away. It’s part of loving people deeply and being human. Even Jesus wept.
With Love, WhiteDove
 
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WhiteDove:
Dear Maresie,
I’ve pretty much come to terms with some of these feelings of guilt. But, I wanted to bring them up here for the sake of others.I think, because I was so utterly overwhelmed with practical matters when my husband died that I never even realized I had them until things started to ease up in my life. It’s probably that way for a lot of people. Sometimes, things happen in life too quickly to know what even hit you!

Anyways, grief takes a lot of time to work through and never totally goes away. It’s part of loving people deeply and being human. Even Jesus wept.
With Love, WhiteDove
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White Dove, I’m so glad you’ve worked through things. Don’t you think that guilt is worse when the death is untimely? There’s the “What could I have done?” or the “I wish I had said _____”, or “I wish I had spent more time with him/her.” Guilt is something that we all deal with…but Jesus gives us time and His love to help us work through things. How long has it been since your husband died? Do you think that the guilt was the hardest thing to deal with? Do you have any advice for someone feeling guilt right now?

White Dove, I’ll be praying for you. God bless you.
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WAGirl_98:
Earlier this year my uncle committed suicide. This is the first person I have known well in my life who has died. This came at a time in my life when I was already going through some tough things and I felt so awful at the time because the night before he died I thought about calling him, but didn’t. My family does not understand why, and I think that has been the hardest part of it all.
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WAGirl, I am so sorry for the shock and loss you and your family have had to go through. Suicide is so hard to understand and so devastating for everyone. Have you been able to talk about it with your family? Are there groups available for you to go to? Would a support group be something you’d like to do?

Trust in the mercy of the Lord, who understands our hearts and the “why”. We may never understand the “why”…our job is to stay as close to Him as we possibly can…to have faith that He can take us through any difficulty.

Know that I’m praying for you, WAGirl. Let us know how you and your family are doing so we can pray for you.

Mary
 
My family has not suffered a recent loss but my sister died 31 years ago. I was at the impressionable age of two-she was five. I have always known that although we lost our family as we knew it then-or set out to be-that from the beginning of my recognition of family I was given the grace to have faith that my sister was with God. My doubts and fears differ from those of my family and I’ve felt that I should have a sense of gratitude that my foundation was in their own struggle to make sense of my sister’s accident. God be with you.
 
My mom lost a six-year battle with cancer last October. Fortunately, God was very merciful in the way in which he decided to bring her home. Though she had cancer for six years, it was relatively inactive for the majority of the time; she only had to take a few pills a day, but otherwise she led a normal life. Then over a two-week period before I left for college, she rapidly but peacefully faded away.

While I still grieve the loss of my mom sometimes and want nothing more than for her to be here with me, I am constantly amazed at the ways in which God used such a sad situation to bring my mom and my family so much closer to Him. We all became much morre involved in the Christian faith and the church, and I have realized that you should never hesitate to tell someone that you love them. Bad things happen because we live in a fallen world, but Christ is always there to comfort and support us.

Such a situation brings to mind two questions that I’ve been meaning to ask: 1) Can we ever be assured that a loved one is in Heaven, or at least that they are in God’s care and we will see them again? 2) Is it alright to ask loved ones to pray for your, or to talk to them, even though they are no longer part of this world?

My prayers are with you all.

God bless,

Chris
 
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