Grieving a Loss

[miggy]

Maresiedotes

My wife and I lost our daughter earlier this year. I posted this in the thread titled, “The Abortion Issue”. I 'll repost it here:

My wife and I were expecting our second child last year when in July we were told that our baby, our daughter, had a condition known as Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, a congenital heart defect where the left side of the heart is severely underdeveloped. Probably the last words any expecting parent wants to hear is, “Something is wrong with your baby”. The news, of course, was devastating. Then we were told that we had several options: Abortion(although it is never said this way, it is always, “terminating the pregnancy”)(at 5 months), compassionate care(take the baby home and wait for her to start gasping for breath, not call 911, just wait for her to die), a heart transplant, or a series of three heart surgeries to rework her heart. The last option would require her first open heart surgery with a week after birth. For our daughter it was after only 26 hours.

Further, my wife would have to undergo further testing to rule out chromosomal defects. Some of which are pretty nasty –mental retardation, deformities, etc.

That evening, among the tears, the sadness, the fears, the greatest challenge ever to confront our marriage and our lives, we decided we really had no choice at all. She was our daughter!! For all the challenges she might have, for all the difficulties we’d had to face – we owed it to her to do our best.

That night we gave her her name – Sara Teresa Araujo.

Sara was born October 27, 2003 at 10:27 am. She was very healthy otherwise, she underwent her first surgery and came through with flying colors. Three weeks later she was home with us. We kept her home and away from germs, waiting for her second surgery sometime in April. In the interim, we gave her many baths, changed many diapers, dressed her in pink girlie clothes. She would sometimes sleep on my chest, nuzzled under my chin. I’d cradle her in my arms as she slept. No one could tell she wasn’t perfectly healthy, except for a scar down the middle of her chest.

On February 18, 2004, between 5 and 5:30, my daughter passed away in her sleep. I had been the last one to carry her and rock her to sleep. I was the last one to hold her. Mine was the last face she ever saw. It comforts me a great deal to know that when she closed her eyes for the last time, all she knew was love, kindness and happiness. And next time she opened her eyes she was in Gods presence.

To think that abortion was offered to us as a compassionate “out” of our pregnancy reminds me of how confused our society is. How perverse and distorted our moral compass has become. We were offered the physical dismemberment of our daughter to save us from the pain of dealing with a special needs child. In order that my wife and I avoid pain, we would have to sacrifice our daughter.

When we found our daughter not breathing that morning, we called 911 and eventually found ourselves in the hospital talking to a doctor who told us our daughter was gone. I’ve cried every day since February 18. I expect to grieve for Sara with my last breath.

When we buried her, close to 400 people attended her service. Deacon Bruce who had baptized her at the hospital was now officiating at her funeral 3 1/2 months later.

I remember reading once in “When Bad things happen to good people” by Harold Kushner, that it is a great misnomer to refer to certain things as acts of God(earthquakes, fires, etc). These are acts of nature. Acts of God are; people who donate food and time to victims of earthquakes, or heroes who run into buildings to save complete strangers that are trapped by a fire - or 400 people who attend a funeral for a child, most of whom she had never met.

But there is a blessing in this tragedy. You see, I got to meet my daughter. I got a chance to hold her and kiss her. I changed her diapers and give her baths. I got to see her smile when she saw me kneeling by her crib. She held my finger and it gave her comfort. I fell in love with my child and I think I can be pretty certain she loved me. I sleep at night knowing that I gave her my best and I had been willing to give more, everything, had I been asked. I don’t think, “God took Sara”. Sara died as I will, as my wife will, as all living things are destined. But it gives me great peace that she did not die by my doing. That I didn’t send her away in the horror of a surgical procedure that would have ended with my daughter in a trash bin. It gives me great peace to know that when I meet my daughter again, I’ll feel elation, rather than shame at our reunion. It gives me great peace to know that when Sara and I meet again and I tell my daughter I love her, she will believe me.

Miguel

 

[miggy]

Mary

There are several books that I have read that have helped me through this:

“When bad things happen to good people” by Harold Kushner

“Tuesdays with Maury” by Mitch Albom

“The five people you meet in heaven” also by Mitch Albom

“Tear Soup” by Pat Schweibert

And your right. It helps to talk to other people that have gone through a loss. The closer it is to your own the better, it seems. However I have come to understand that over time the feelings change. Not better or worse, just always different. I could be fine for a week then the 18th comes and I’ll cry. I look at the clock some mornings and it says 5:00am and I’ll cry. I’ll see someone with a baby and I’ll think Sara you’d be around that big by now.

But I find comfort in a number of things. My faith. My family.

As someone mentioned above. My daughter is a saint. And just as I may pray to St Theresa or our Blessed Mother, My daughter is interceding for me. I love thinking that, my daughter might be longing for me just as I am longing for her. An she is praying that I may join he one day.

My wife had a thought that gives me a new way of looking at things. She said, if we understand that childbirth is so incredibly painful, but that the instant after a child is born all the memories of pain go aways and your just overwhelmed by the beauty of your child, maybe death is similar. Maybe the momenth of loss is painful, just as childbirth is, but the moments afterwards are full of incredible beauty, we just don’t get to see them here. I imagine my grandmother and grandfather greeting my daughter and welcoming her into heaven.

Miguel

 

[Detroit_Sue]

(((((Maresiedotes)))))

I am so sorry for your loss. I will remember you and your son as special intentions in my Rosary. I know you will receive consolation from Our Lady, who lost Her only Son. There are many shoulders here, so someone will always be here for when you need them.

God bless you and keep you.
Sue

 

[Maresiedotes]

onaquest:

My doubts and fears differ from those of my family and I’ve felt that I should have a sense of gratitude that my foundation was in their own struggle to make sense of my sister’s accident. God be with you.

Praise the Lord for your faith! You must be such a GREAT blessing to your family. I pray that God will continue to give you the grace to keep growing in knowledge of Him. And I know you can look forward to seeing your sister in heaven. In the meantime, we are all united in the Body of Christ, which is the Church, and we can pray for each other.

 

[WhiteDove]

Maresiedotes:

White Dove, I’m so glad you’ve worked through things. Don’t you think that guilt is worse when the death is untimely? There’s the “What could I have done?” or the “I wish I had said _____”, or “I wish I had spent more time with him/her.” Guilt is something that we all deal with…but Jesus gives us time and His love to help us work through things. How long has it been since your husband died? Do you think that the guilt was the hardest thing to deal with? Do you have any advice for someone feeling guilt right now?

Dear Maresie,
My advise for dealing with guilt is to take it to confession. Some of my guilt was because I know that I was selfish sometimes, therefore justified. Admitting my failings in the confessional really helped resolve my guilt.

My husband died almost 7 years ago. No, I don’t think guilt was the hardest thing for me to deal with. I was too busy raising my children. Of course, losing a husband is different than losing a child. Do you have other children? If you do, I think focusing on your relationships with them and your grandchildren, if you have any, would help.

I can relate to guilt regarding a child though. My oldest son (26 years old) is flakey and irresponsible, plus seems to be entirely lacking in humility. I’ve felt guilt over my inadequacies in raising him and responding to his unique personality. I know that I’ve apoligized to him in the past for my failings, plus I’ve tried to help him get on his feet, but I refuse to be held hostage to guilt my whole life. Plus, I think he came with an inborn personality prone to this tendency, as he was different right from the beginning. Why is it that my next oldest son (age 24) is the exact opposite, totally grounded, with a good job, common sense, great work ethic, the model of a respectful helpful son? Only God knows, and it’s in his hands…

 

[Maresiedotes]

Thepeug:

My mom lost a six-year battle with?

While I still grieve the loss of my mom sometimes and want nothing more than for her to be here with me, I am constantly amazed at the ways in which God used such a sad situation to bring my mom and my family so much closer to Him. We all became much morre involved in the Christian faith and the church, and I have realized that you should never hesitate to tell someone that you love them. Bad things happen because we live in a fallen world, but Christ is always there to comfort and support us.

Such a situation brings to mind two questions that I’ve been meaning to ask: 1) Can we ever be assured that a loved one is in Heaven, or at least that they are in God’s care and we will see them again? 2) Is it alright to ask loved ones to pray for your, or to talk to them, even though they are no longer part of this world?

My prayers are with you all.

God bless,

Chris

Chris, the New Testament has so many references to the glory that awaits us in heaven. Romans 8:16 and verses that follow through verse 39 say : “The Spirit itself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs, heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ. If only we suffer with him so that we may also be glorified with him. I consider that the sufferings of this present time are as nothing compared with the glory to be revealed for us…For in hope we were saved …What will separate us from the love of Christ? Will anguish, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or the sword? …No, in all these things we conquer overwhelmingly through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor present things, nor future things, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creatjure will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
*

Yes, it’s alright to ask those departed to pray for us, because they are still part of the Body of Christ. Just as we have intercessory prayer here on earth, it continues in heaven. Christ is constantly interceding on our behalf…and “we are surrounded by a cloud of witnesses” (Hebrews 12:1), who, as part of Christ’s Body, intercede in union with Him for our good. We can ask them to intercede for us. And because Jesus is close to us, they, too, are close to us.

Thepeug, I know how much you must miss your mom. I’ll be praying for you, asking Jesus to strengthen your faith and to hold you close to His heart. In His heart, we are all one body…we are all closer to each other than we can possibly imagine.

Mary*

 

[Maresiedotes]

quote=Detroit Sue

I am so sorry for your loss. I will remember you and your son as special intentions in my Rosary. I know you will receive consolation from Our Lady, who lost Her only Son. There are many shoulders here, so someone will always be here for when you need them.

God bless you and keep you.
Sue
[/quote]

Sue, thanks for the hugs…I could feel them! Thank you, too, for your prayers. I appreciate them so much.

Mary

 

[Maresiedotes]

miggy:

Mary

And your right. It helps to talk to other people that have gone through a loss. The closer it is to your own the better, it seems. However I have come to understand that over time the feelings change. Not better or worse, just always different. I could be fine for a week then the 18th comes and I’ll cry. I look at the clock some mornings and it says 5:00am and I’ll cry. I’ll see someone with a baby and I’ll think Sara you’d be around that big by now.

But I find comfort in a number of things. My faith. My family.

As someone mentioned above. My daughter is a saint. And just as I may pray to St Theresa or our Blessed Mother, My daughter is interceding for me. I love thinking that, my daughter might be longing for me just as I am longing for her. An she is praying that I may join he one day.

My wife had a thought that gives me a new way of looking at things. She said, if we understand that childbirth is so incredibly painful, but that the instant after a child is born all the memories of pain go aways and your just overwhelmed by the beauty of your child, maybe death is similar. Maybe the momenth of loss is painful, just as childbirth is, but the moments afterwards are full of incredible beauty, we just don’t get to see them here. I imagine my grandmother and grandfather greeting my daughter and welcoming her into heaven.

Miguel

Miguel, que Dios te bendiga y te de consuelo…
You were open to life…God gave you Sara…and He trusted you with her. It takes special people to do what you did.

Your analogy of death to childbirth is very beautiful…
Thank you for sharing. I’ll be praying for you and your sweet wife…what a grand reunion it will be when you can be together with your little one again!

Mary

 

[Maresiedotes]

WhiteDove:

Dear Maresie,
My advise for dealing with guilt is to take it to confession. Some of my guilt was because I know that I was selfish sometimes, therefore justified. Admitting my failings in the confessional really helped resolve my guilt.

That’s true…Jesus in His Sacraments gives us healing.

WhiteDove:

I can relate to guilt regarding a child though. My oldest son (26 years old) is flakey and irresponsible, plus seems to be entirely lacking in humility. I’ve felt guilt over my inadequacies in raising him and responding to his unique personality. I know that I’ve apoligized to him in the past for my failings, plus I’ve tried to help him get on his feet, but I refuse to be held hostage to guilt my whole life. Plus, I think he came with an inborn personality prone to this tendency, as he was different right from the beginning. Why is it that my next oldest son (age 24) is the exact opposite, totally grounded, with a good job, common sense, great work ethic, the model of a respectful helpful son? Only God knows, and it’s in his hands…

Prayer will help him where you can’t. Losing his dad must have been very hard for him. Keep putting him into God’s hands. I’m praying for you, too.

Mary

 

[Maresiedotes]

miggy:

Mary

And your right. It helps to talk to other people that have gone through a loss. The closer it is to your own the better, it seems. However I have come to understand that over time the feelings change. Not better or worse, just always different. I could be fine for a week then the 18th comes and I’ll cry. I look at the clock some mornings and it says 5:00am and I’ll cry. I’ll see someone with a baby and I’ll think Sara you’d be around that big by now.

But I find comfort in a number of things. My faith. My family.

As someone mentioned above. My daughter is a saint. And just as I may pray to St Theresa or our Blessed Mother, My daughter is interceding for me. I love thinking that, my daughter might be longing for me just as I am longing for her. An she is praying that I may join he one day.

My wife had a thought that gives me a new way of looking at things. She said, if we understand that childbirth is so incredibly painful, but that the instant after a child is born all the memories of pain go aways and your just overwhelmed by the beauty of your child, maybe death is similar. Maybe the momenth of loss is painful, just as childbirth is, but the moments afterwards are full of incredible beauty, we just don’t get to see them here. I imagine my grandmother and grandfather greeting my daughter and welcoming her into heaven.

Miguel

Miguel, que Dios te bendiga y te de consuelo…
You were open to life…God gave you Sara…and He trusted you with her. It takes special people to do what you did.

Your analogy of death to childbirth is very beautiful…
Thank you for sharing. I’ll be praying for you and your sweet wife…what a grand reunion it will be when you can be together with your little one again!

Mary

 

[onaquest]

Maresiedotes:

Praise the Lord for your faith! You must be such a GREAT blessing to your family. I pray that God will continue to give you the grace to keep growing in knowledge of Him. And I know you can look forward to seeing your sister in heaven. In the meantime, we are all united in the Body of Christ, which is the Church, and we can pray for each other.

Maresiedotes,

Thank you for your reply-This understanding that God has given me I have only recently shared with my family-to explain my choice in converting to Catholicism. There is joy in the communion of saints-I no longer feel that I am on hold to love and know my sister until the end of the world. She is my introduction into God’s eternal time.You and I can pray for each other -She and I can pray for each other-The Blessed Mother can pray for all of us-and we will come to know God’s mercy.

 

[Maresiedotes]

onaquest:

Maresiedotes,

Thank you for your reply-This understanding that God has given me I have only recently shared with my family-to explain my choice in converting to Catholicism. There is joy in the communion of saints-I no longer feel that I am on hold to love and know my sister until the end of the world. She is my introduction into God’s eternal time.You and I can pray for each other -She and I can pray for each other-The Blessed Mother can pray for all of us-and we will come to know God’s mercy.

Onaquest, It will be my joy to pray for you! . (Just as I am praying for everyone who has posted on this thread so far.) God’s plan is perfect…may He increase our faith to the point where our mourning becomes our crown. I feel that I am in a position to help others who are grieving now…I know the pain and the struggle people go through simply to carry on…all of us are in the “club of loss”…and all of us know how faithful God is to our needs. How could we ever get along without Him?

Mary

 

[herson]

Hello-

I just lost my mother last week. It hurts so much! I came across this forum and found some comfort in reading some of the posts. Thank you all for sharing.