Half Rant, Half Need Advice

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BlueEyedLady

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So one of the few members of my extended family that I have a relationship with has told me that she is starting fertility drugs. This relative is 24, has her GED, no college education, no work experience beyond jumping around various minimum wage jobs (gas stations, factories, restaurant kitchens, etc) and has moved every year for the last 4 years to cheaper and cheaper places because she never has enough money to cover rent. She has frequently struggled to buy food. She is married to a man that is certainly not abusive, but doesn’t love and cherish her the way she deserves, and in just the few years they’ve been married he has moved out twice. They are on the brink of divorce more often than not.

I just want to shake her and scream “Wake up! You’re young! Go to school or get job training, find a stable place to live, work on your relationship with your husband, have at least steady money coming in, then make a baby!”

Of course doing that would just harm our relationship. She’s going to do what she’s going to do. So, my question is what can I say or do during her pregnancy and after she gives birth to make this easier for her? I know to refer her to WIC and have her look in to food stamps and possibly Section 8 if she qualifies. I also have a good relationship with the minister of her church, so if there’s a problem I can enlist in her help. But is there something I’m missing? Are there any other resources?

I know knocking some sense in to her is a lost cause, but I don’t want to see her or her family struggle after she goes through with this.
 
Oh, and she lives in a very rural area, so opportunities are few and far between for her.
 
How does someone in minimum wage jobs struggling to pay rent and buy food afford fertility specialists and drugs?
 
1ke said:
How does someone in minimum wage jobs struggling to pay rent and buy food afford fertility specialists and drugs?
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That was my question, but I’m afraid of the answer. It may be covered under Medicaid or some other government-funded program. I hope not; maybe someone in the family is paying for it.

BEL, you could try to have a discussion with her. “So why do you think getting pregnant now is a good idea?” and take it from there. You’d have to be very non-confrontational, just let her lead the discussion, and ask a few probing questions. It might help her think. But other than that, there’s not a whole lot you can do. There is no guarantee that the fertility drugs will even work, so don’t anticipate how you will handle a baby at this point.
 
1ke said:
How does someone in minimum wage jobs struggling to pay rent and buy food afford fertility specialists and drugs?
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Her husband’s insurance. He doesn’t make much at all, but he does get full benefits, which is something at least.

His insurance also offers adoption assistance, but they were turned down because of their financial problems and housing instability.
 
if she is Catholic ,she could talk to her priest and he could possibly bring the conversation around to the fact that fertility treatments are a grave sin.and she is probably is feeling that a child will bring her and her husband closer and with her lack of experience that will be hard to dispel.
 
april32010 said:
if she is Catholic ,she could talk to her priest and he could possibly bring the conversation around to the fact that fertility treatments are a grave sin.and she is probably is feeling that a child will bring her and her husband closer and with her lack of experience that will be hard to dispel.
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Nope, she’s a liberal Protestant and still attends the church that I grew up in.
 
april32010 said:
if she is Catholic ,she could talk to her priest and he could possibly bring the conversation around to the fact that fertility treatments are a grave sin.and she is probably is feeling that a child will bring her and her husband closer and with her lack of experience that will be hard to dispel.
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Not all fertility treatments are a grave sin. There are many moral ways to increase your chance to concieve and avoid losing a baby. However, you could be right about her thinking a baby will help keep their marriage together.
 
I you have the sort of relationship where you could talk to her about this, by all means invite her to lunch, drink, coffee, whatever and raise your concerns. Ask how her marriage is going, since you notice that they seem to have problems on and off, and then segue into talking about bringing a baby into such an environment.

If you don’t have such a relationship, then just support their choice to embrace a potential new life and pray about it…oh, you’re athiest?..maybe talk to her minister so she can pray about it.
 
Allegra said:
Not all fertility treatments are a grave sin. There are many moral ways to increase your chance to concieve and avoid losing a baby. However, you could be right about her thinking a baby will help keep their marriage together.
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I’ve always been kind of like a big sister to her. I don’t think she’s hoping that a baby will keep her marriage together, I think that she wants to feel like something loves her and needs her. She had a very hard and at times cruel upbringing, and she’s wanted a baby since she was in high school. I think that since her family was so bad she wanted to create a good one on her own. I think that’s also why she married her husband after 3 months of dating, even though she could have done so much better and had someone so much more loving.

Her younger sister was a mom at 16, and she was very jealous of her pregnancy, even though neither one of them were in a position for a baby. Watching that tore me up inside.

I could be psychoanalyzing too much though.
 
There are misguided women out there who think getting pregnant will heal their marriages. She may be one. It doesn’t work.

See if you can gather statistics and/or anecdotes - at the very least, tell her bringing a baby into an already stressed marriage will only make things worse.

Does her husband know about the fertility treatments? He may feel sure that she is sterile, and that he doesn’t have to worry about children. Her turning up pregnant could be a deal-breaker. I know 2 marriages that ended that way, though without deception on the wives’ part.

One way or the other, she’s playing with fire.

:crossrc: for her… amen.
 
Ruthie_again said:
There are misguided women out there who think getting pregnant will heal their marriages. She may be one. It doesn’t work.

See if you can gather statistics and/or anecdotes - at the very least, tell her bringing a baby into an already stressed marriage will only make things worse.

Does her husband know about the fertility treatments? He may feel sure that she is sterile, and that he doesn’t have to worry about children. Her turning up pregnant could be a deal-breaker. I know 2 marriages that ended that way, though without deception on the wives’ part.

One way or the other, she’s playing with fire.

:crossrc: for her… amen.
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He knows. She’s been very open with her fertility issues for years, and with her desire for a baby. He seems to just shrug off her pursuing fertility treatments. He has this attitude of whatever happens, happens and he’ll deal with it if and when it happens. Getting him to care about much is difficult:mad:
 
In a situation like this, there’s not a lot you seemingly can do besides be there as a friend, seems to me (beyond the resources and help you’ve already mentioned). If you were the praying type, I’d advise you to do just that and allow God to take the reigns with the rest.

I will pray for your friend and for you, and I hope things go well for both of you. Don’t let yourself stress too much, eh?
 
BlueEyedLady said:
I’ve always been kind of like a big sister to her. I don’t think she’s hoping that a baby will keep her marriage together, I think that she wants to feel like something loves her and needs her. She had a very hard and at times cruel upbringing, and she’s wanted a baby since she was in high school. I think that since her family was so bad she wanted to create a good one on her own. I think that’s also why she married her husband after 3 months of dating, even though she could have done so much better and had someone so much more loving.

Her younger sister was a mom at 16, and she was very jealous of her pregnancy, even though neither one of them were in a position for a baby. Watching that tore me up inside.

I could be psychoanalyzing too much though.
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Yeah…With all of that, you probably wouldn’t make a dent in her desire for a baby no matter what you say. So…detach with love. But if she does get pregnant, she might need your help and support. Be there for her as much as you possibly can.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
His insurance also offers adoption assistance, but they were turned down because of their financial problems and housing instability.
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One would have thought this would have sent the message that they need to work on their finances and seek more education… 🤷
 
We always want to help, but must respect the line at which help becomes attempts to control. It sounds like you’re trying to give her sound advice. Just make sure to pay attention to how she’s perceiving you. If she starts to see you as trying to control more than trying to love and help, you’re pushing too hard.

People of faith GET this problem. We face it all over the place with friends and family that are in the process of rejecting the greatest gifts ever given: Salvation and Grace. But your truly can’t make people accept either gifts or good advice. You can only make sure they know what you think and make sure that they know you really do love them.
 
:compcoff:

Wow! This has been a touchy subject since the beginning of time. Some things never change.

The truth is, there may not be anything that you can say to her. Being poor isn’t the issue as much as being irresponsible. However, poverty is not necessarily caused by lack of responsibility, or vice versa. Most people in this world need to figure that out themselves. No matter how much our friends and family talk to us, we know best. Later in life, we try to do the same with our own children, and we probably get the same results, unless we are not afraid to let our children see our own imperfections (Son, you don’t want to be like me…).

How many children to have and when to have them is one of the oldest conversations, and there is a never-ending list of reasons for that. You are aware that she will need help in the future, and you are there for her. It may seem discouraging at times, but you are doing exactly what you’re supposed to do. Just be there for her and it will work out in the end. 😉
 
I think that she wants to feel like something loves her and needs her.
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My mother thought that. My big sister turned out to be a colicky and fussy baby, and Mom was not happy.

A baby will not give her unconditional love. A baby will need her at all sorts of inconvenient times, not just when she wants to feel needed! And demonstrate the need by screaming. And of course, changing stinky, poopy diapers and cleaning up vomit are such delightful tasks, just like getting baby kisses! (end sarcasm) Maybe she should work at an infants’ daycare for a while?

OTOH, Jesus wants her and needs her.

“But if God felt a hammer in the palm of His hand,
Then God knows the way we feel,
And love is forever,
Forever and for real…”
 
Ruthie_again said:
My mother thought that. My big sister turned out to be a colicky and fussy baby, and Mom was not happy.

A baby will not give her unconditional love. A baby will need her at all sorts of inconvenient times, not just when she wants to feel needed! And demonstrate the need by screaming. And of course, changing stinky, poopy diapers and cleaning up vomit are such delightful tasks, just like getting baby kisses! (end sarcasm) Maybe she should work at an infants’ daycare for a while?

OTOH, Jesus wants her and needs her.

“But if God felt a hammer in the palm of His hand,
Then God knows the way we feel,
And love is forever,
Forever and for real…”
Click to expand...
She did work at a daycare center for a little while. I’m not sure why she doesn’t anymore, to be honest I can’t keep track of all of her job changes. I will give her this, from the time we were kids she has always been good with infants and children. She still is very good with her nephew that she takes care of for a few days at a time when his mom goes on a binge. But children do need more than love, and she needs more of a relationship with her husband.

She is also an extremely devout Protestant, and like I said earlier I do have a good relationship with her minister if things get bad.
 
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