Happily pregnant, but the in-laws won't be

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Thank you everyone for the very thoughtful responses and especially for your support! It’s nice hearing that many of you were just as shocked as myself that a mother-in-law, about to be a grandma again, would be so unhappy.

I read your responses to my husband. He thinks the news should come from him, and he likes the idea of sending her a “we’re pregnant” announcement with a sonogram picture, to allow her to process it without sending her negativity our way. If we decide to share the news by phone or in person, my husband is fully prepared to use your other suggestions on what to say. He had something a bit less tactful in mind, because he’s so tired of how she reacts, AND it’s even more painful to him when his mother is overly excited for his brother (has 2 kids now) when he and his wife get pregnant, but she can’t seem to pass the happiness our way when we do. His mom has seemed to play favorites in that way. As his wife, you can imagine how difficult it is for me to bite my lip during these times.

In my original post, I should probably have mentioned that his mom is in her second marriage with a much younger man who wanted children of his own, so by some means (we didn’t ask, nor were we informed), they got pregnant and have 2 young girls. We are sure this affects her being a happy grandma, it’s also why we rarely see her. She’s reliving mom mode with young children again. I tell you this as well, because my husband was ready to say something like “well mom, we didn’t approve of you having 2 young babies in your 50’s but did we give you a hard time about it?”

Thanks again for all of your prayers and support. We go Jan 18 for our first sonogram. We are thinking we may share the news to his mom then if not sooner. We’ll let you know how it goes…
 
Tay said:
…He had something a bit less tactful in mind, because he’s so tired of how she reacts…
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Don’t get me wrong. My first reaction (and I have said less polished things in my life) was: Gee, Mom, did you pick up that line in charm school, or is that what Emily Post is teaching these days? Your husband is fortunate that he has better charge of his tongue than his mother does! He is unlikely to regret his self-control.
Tay said:
As his wife, you can imagine how difficult it is for me to bite my lip during these times.
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I’m sure it makes you a queen among women in your husband’s eyes, though! 👍
Tay said:
In my original post, I should probably have mentioned that his mom is in her second marriage with a much younger man who wanted children of his own, so by some means (we didn’t ask, nor were we informed), they got pregnant and have 2 young girls. We are sure this affects her being a happy grandma, it’s also why we rarely see her. She’s reliving mom mode with young children again. I tell you this as well, because my husband was ready to say something like “well mom, we didn’t approve of you having 2 young babies in your 50’s but did we give you a hard time about it?”
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I know several women whose oldest grandchild is within a year (plus or minus) in age from their oldest grandchild. Generally speaking, it is not a problem…well, except that the older children usually complain that their youngest sibling is treated more like the grandchildren than like the older siblings! (Parenting is something that tends to improve with practice, though, too.) One of my brothers is a lot younger than the rest of us, and he socializes much more often with the nieces and nephews he went to high school with than with his older siblings. The nephews enjoy teasing his wife (their contemporary) by calling her “Aunt Mary” (not her real name).

I think you may well be right about the arrival of grandchildren imposing a reality check after her marriage to a much younger man. The problem, however, may only be that your husband’s mother gets a likely future in her head, and only responds with unbridled delight when her imagined view of the future is what she actually gets. Some people do have that difficulty. In that case, you are simply suffering the down side of being more than she imagined! 😃
 
I would just send them both a card in the mail, announcing your happy news, with no mention of negativity at all. The positivity in the card should speak for your position. After all, it’s really not that unusual for people to be negative about a new pregnancy, especially an unexpected one. Of course I can’t speak for the world, but where I’m from, the first thing people think about are the negative aspects, the burdensome aspects, rather than the positive aspects. So your card will set the tone.

Again, I can’t speak for everyone but in my own personal life, I have seen a lot of such announcements of “I’m pregnant” or “I’m pregnant again”, and they’re usually followed up with 1) tentative quiet little ‘congratulations’ that test the waters first, or 2) booming congratulations that get mixed responses (for example, one mamma to be wasn’t the happiest camper at that very moment in time as baby was resting on a nerve causing shooting pains down her back and through her leg… ), some of the less polite have tried testing the waters with 3) “…and is that a good thing? or??” because they don’t know how to respond, to outright rudeness of 4) “Have you ever heard of birth control?”

So sending a happy and positive card should set the tone, and should divert and redirect any negative responses from anyone with common sense so that they keep it to themselves, but you know common sense isn’t very common, so :rolleyes:
 
It never ceases to amaze me (in a bad way) how many pregnant women go through this. I just can NOT belive anyone being upset at a pregancy especially when the parents to be are so happy about it. Some people just have it so ingrained in them to limit children they can not believe other people could actually love a large family. Sometimes I wonder if it is because the father is not helpful that they resent the woman with a supportive husband. Who knows

But I think it is great that you are going to have a third child and wish you all the best

CMS
 
Tay said:
I tell you this as well, because my husband was ready to say something like “well mom, we didn’t approve of you having 2 young babies in your 50’s but did we give you a hard time about it?”
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This would put you two in the same basket as her, please don’t say this.
Don’t let them spread negativity your way, but do be the bigger person here.

Good luck with your sonogram. 🙂
 
cmscms said:
It never ceases to amaze me (in a bad way) how many pregnant women go through this. I just can NOT belive anyone being upset at a pregancy especially when the parents to be are so happy about it. Some people just have it so ingrained in them to limit children they can not believe other people could actually love a large family. Sometimes I wonder if it is because the father is not helpful that they resent the woman with a supportive husband. Who knows

But I think it is great that you are going to have a third child and wish you all the best

CMS
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This. :clapping::clapping::clapping:

I agree, take the high road, even though attitudes like those expressed by people who make birth control remarks and so on are just SO imbued with the values of the Culture of Death, whether the folks making them realize it or not. :mad: I would have loved to have had siblings growing up - or the chance to have children of my own; I had neither. But even if I had, I would find such opinions as people have been on the receiving end of in this thread absurd. I want to say to all who have the guts to go ahead and have a family and consider your children a blessing rather than a burden - GOOD FOR YOU! YOU ROCK! :extrahappy: And congratulations to the OP and her husband! 😉

This may sound a little “out there,” but I also believe that the baby can pick up on negative attitudes, and they can be influenced by stress hormones in the mother for sure, so she is justified in minimizing exposure to these influences for her child’s sake as well as her own peace of mind.
 
I’ve had lots of “fun” comments aimed at me when I take all my foster kids to the store. It amazes me how opinionated people can be. I was pushing a triple stroller with 3 unrelated babies, my black girl, a greek boy, and a blonde haired boy. Many people smiled, but one lady demanded! “Do they have the same father?” I smiled and replied, “Of course not!” She was too stunned to respond. 🙂

Another lady pointed at my 7 kids under the age of 5, and announced loudly, “Do you know what causes that?” I happily responded, “Probably drugs, and Alcohol…Aren’t they adorable!” She was speechless. 🙂 The kids were too busy, happily picking out their favortie cereal to notice her.

Another bold lady demanded, “Are all these children with you?” I acted surprised, and whispered, “NO. I think they are stalking me!”

On the up side We received many positive comments on how well behaved by kids were! Good times 🙂
 
The responses in this thread made my day.

We’re pregnant with #2, and she’ll be 15 mo younger than our first. We definitely got less than positive responses from a number of people, including some family members. It’s amazing how much the joy can be stolen by others. Its a new baby, people! What could be greater??

Congrats Tay! I vote for sending the sonogram, then she can “process” the news on her own time. Maybe a cute 3D pic? Let us know how it turns out!
 
Do the card. You and your husband are going to be gun shy in a personal or phone anouncement and she may interpret the tone as being YOU not being terribly excited about it and take that as permission to pile on the negativity.

Send an announcement that makes it clear that you’re THRILLED! Then hope she calls after she collects herself. Set her up for success, not failure. She still may fail, but give her a nice, easy pitch and hope she makes a good swing.
 
Hey it’s his mom. If she is rude, there is nothing wrong with telling her she was rude. Stay respectful, but he has the kind of relationship with her that can withstand honesty, then by all means, be honest. I wouldn’t use those words about disapproving of the other 2 children either, although I wouldn’t automatically rule out saying something like, “I have been respectful of your childbearing decisions” instead. Just don’t use the word “disapprove” in the same sentence as “children/babies” unless you want to be misunderstood and get into a fight.
 
With her 4th, my friend’s family found out when she called to say “We have a boy, he was born this afternoon at…” She said they’d have driven her nuts if they’d known she was pregnant.
 
Congrats!!!

Children are not easy (I have 3 myself), and rarely are they convenient! 😃

But the world needs more babies born to good Catholics, not fewer. 👍
 
Rence said:
I would just send them both a card in the mail, announcing your happy news, with no mention of negativity at all. The positivity in the card should speak for your position. After all, it’s really not that unusual for people to be negative about a new pregnancy, especially an unexpected one. Of course I can’t speak for the world, but where I’m from, the first thing people think about are the negative aspects, the burdensome aspects, rather than the positive aspects. So your card will set the tone.

Again, I can’t speak for everyone but in my own personal life, I have seen a lot of such announcements of “I’m pregnant” or “I’m pregnant again”, and they’re usually followed up with 1) tentative quiet little ‘congratulations’ that test the waters first, or 2) booming congratulations that get mixed responses (for example, one mamma to be wasn’t the happiest camper at that very moment in time as baby was resting on a nerve causing shooting pains down her back and through her leg… ), some of the less polite have tried testing the waters with 3) “…and is that a good thing? or??” because they don’t know how to respond, to outright rudeness of 4) “Have you ever heard of birth control?”

So sending a happy and positive card should set the tone, and should divert and redirect any negative responses from anyone with common sense so that they keep it to themselves, but you know common sense isn’t very common, so :rolleyes:
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A few years ago an acquaintance (who had several other children) informed me she was pregnant, and I replied, as I always do, with a warm and heartfelt but not gushing or loud, “Congratulations!” upon which she promptly burst into tears. It turned out that she and her husband had told dozens of people before me and I was the first one who had not had an immediate negative reaction.
 
My best friends husband called to tell me they were accidently pregnant with # 6! I laughed and said Congratulations. You guys are great parents. He said, " I knew you would be supportive! That’s why we called to get a positive response." I joked and said if they really wanted to impress me they’d have to have twins.

Two weeks later, after the ultrasound they called. Yep! Twins! Ha we laughed and celebrated together! Boy/girl twins! They said all the other children helped so much it was easy!

When God sends a baby it’s like saying, He still believes in us!
 
One of my friends told her parents when they were two weeks from their due date. She said she didn’t want the grief.

We didn’t tell my inlaws with babies#5, 7 and 8 because of the hateful reaction we had with announcements #4 and 6. Of course we live next door so it was pretty obvious. We just avoided them.

However, my inlaws are wonderful grandparents, so we forgive them!
 
I think it’s particularly important when a single woman tells you she is pregnant that your first reaction must be “Congratulations!”

Even if you had presumed she was a virgin, even if she had been raped, and especially if you think she is considering aborting the baby. The very first thing to do is to acknowledge and celebrate God’s creation of a unique and uniquely valuable new human being, even though we must also (later) deplore the sinful behaviour which brought about his conception.
 
Thank you Petergee! When I was pregnant with my miracle baby (the doctors said it was impossible for me to conceive), and then found out my son had Down syndrome, my announcement was met with tears, admonitions to abort, sympathy cards, etc. Yes, even from Catholics and other pro-life Christians.

My mother was appalled I didn’t abort, and when my know-it-all sister-in-law insisted on trying to patch things up by between my mother and I after a lifetime of trouble dragged my mother out for a reunion, she promptly told me I should have aborted right in front of my son - who may have Down syndrome, but he is sharp as a whip and knows all about abortion and the fact that kids like him are prime targets for the knife. He was 11 or 12 at the time, I think. Maybe 13. He heard his own grandmother say he deserved to be dead.

So I fully understand that sometimes, you just have to do what you can do protect your own feelings and your children. Pregnancy is such a miracle and a blessing, and it is really such a short time - for some of us only once and for others not ever. Don’t let anyone ruin it for you in some misguided sense of honoring your mother and father. You honored them by be open to life and continuing the family’s blood lines. Besides, every emotion you feel translates to chemical changes in your baby. Protect that by doing all in your power to avoid negative people.

Oh, and a big CONGRATULATIONS to the OP.
 
sojo said:
sympathy cards
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:eek:
He heard his own grandmother say he deserved to be dead.
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:eek:

Wow. I thought some of my relatives and friends were bad, but compared to yours. You are saintly to put up with them…

and congratulations and blessings to you and your miracle baby.
 
Thank you Petergee. My miracle baby is now 16 years old and thriving and bringing joy to everyone he meets. He seems to live to burst stereotypes about disabilities. But I’m no saint, believe me. You just keep putting one foot in front of the other or as that silly fish in Finding Nemo says, “keep swimming, keep swimming, keep swimming…”
 
Update: thank you for all of your prayers and support! My husband recently called his mother to give her the news. He had been stalling a while, trying to think of the exact words and dreading her response. When he finally did call and reach her, her response shocked us. She said “I’m happy if you’re happy.” I wasn’t on the phone to catch her tone, and I can’t say how she may have presumably reacted once she got off of the phone (based on her history), BUT, we took it at face value and are grateful that she did not react negatively (to our faces) 😉

Thank you again for your thoughts and support. I preferred to tell my MIL by many of the suggestions offered here, especially the mail idea, but my husband thought that may have been passive agressive. The baby is doing well and we are almost out o:thumbsup:f the first trimester!

Thank you again!😛
 
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