Happy marriage and porn addiction?

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Pomme

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I would like to know the perspective of married men and women who have a porn addiction problem in their marriage:is it possible to have a good happy and strong marriage once the addiction is treated?Or is it always going to be a huge struggle and a bad marriage deep down even though the addict is willing to change and trying his best…with slips and relapses along the way .Also,are there married people who totally recovered from that and after how many years of trying?And is the spouse happy trusting and fulfilled with married life with the ex-addict now?Thanks ,I need honest realistic answers!
 
Pomme said:
I would like to know the perspective of married men and women who have a porn addiction problem in their marriage:is it possible to have a good happy and strong marriage once the addiction is treated?Or is it always going to be a huge struggle and a bad marriage deep down even though the addict is willing to change and trying his best…with slips and relapses along the way .Also,are there married people who totally recovered from that and after how many years of trying?And is the spouse happy trusting and fulfilled with married life with the ex-addict now?Thanks ,I need honest realistic answers!
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I know for a fact that it is possible to be happily married with someone who actively struggles to overcome a porn addiction.
 
I wish I could give you an answer. My husband is a reccovering sex addict and I struggle everyday. The last 2 years have been hell! We are in a good place right now but I don’t think I could handle a full relapse on his part. We are both in therapy and have been for the last 2 years. I would suggest finding a good christian counsoler.
As the saying goes “it’s 1 day at a time” that is all I can do. I have spoke with a priest who said because of the fact my husband was an addict before we were married
and I didn’t have knowledge of this, I could be a canidate for annullement. I do believe marriage is forever but there is only so much you can take. You are in my prayers, please pray for me.
 
I think it’s possible, but the porn-addicted spouse has the onus of always showing repentance and the responsibility of caring for the other spouse’s feelings. I think it has to be treated like adultery.

The “cheating” spouse cannot disregard the other spouse’s experience in any way. Must keep showing repentance and willingness to work through whatever feelings the cheated-upon spouse has, WITHIN REASON. Of course if the cheated-upon spouse gets abusive, then that needs to stop.

The porn addict must be accountable, but NOT to his or her spouse, for the addiction. There is a big danger in making one spouse the “cop” of the other. You do this through same-gender groups, like SAA. The spouse can go to Al-Anon for help in detaching from the addiction. I am not sure there are groups for the spouses of SAA members - there may be, I am just not aware of them.

Counseling would be recommended but it would need to be with someone who understands addiction, especially to porn.
 
Check out Faithful and True Ministries, their whole purpose is helping husbands with sex addiction and also the wives of an addict. They are a Christian ministry, we would not have made it this far with out their help. They have wonderful books on the subject and workshops. I would recommend Debra Laasers book Shattered Vows it is excellent. I felt so alone and ashamed for years please get the help you need. You are not alone.🙂 Like I said Mark and Debbie Laaser know what they are talking about. They have lived this same battle.
 
Thanks-I will pray too for marriages who have this problem.I read a lot that porn addiction has nothing to do with the spouse ,that the addict only has to be responsible etc…But I think it has everything to do with the spouse(except we didn’t cause it when we have healthy sex lives with our spouse)…Everything in terms of having to put up with it in a very unfair situation(trapped with secrecy),and in terms of having to give what the addict needs(patience,forgiveness,love,understanding,fidelity ,sex…) without receiving half in return(understanding and good listening is the minimum a spouse can give-if there are slips and relapses the spouse is not even giving the basic proof of love.I don’t call battling an addiction a proof of love,it is very humiliating for the spouse to think the addict has such a hard time loving them body and soul,one and only!)
So it does have everything to do with the spouse:the spouse himself/herself does everything out of love ,and keeps promises,if the other part doesn’t,the other part
doesn’t love as much,it is not a separate problem from the spouse.It is a very serious imbalance in a marriage,and I am hoping and wondering if indeed that imbalance can be -has been repared in most cases or if I have to settle in the idea that it never really fully happens no matter how sorry the addict is every time.I worry about being stupid and not reacting the way I should(get a job,to protect myself,etc…)being stay-at-home with lots of children,and stop trusting as much -or play the card of love and trust,only to be always in that imbalance and tied by secrecy.Both ways I think are unhealthy.
The only healthy way is a new life where the addict stops and marriage is as it’s supposed to be.It doesn’t seem to happen a lot from what I read-very very scary thought!
 
twoangels said:
I know for a fact that it is possible to be happily married with someone who actively struggles to overcome a porn addiction.
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How did the couple you know manage that please-what are their coping strategies(especially those of the spouse)?
Thank you.
 
You are right it is very scary to be in this situation. I wish I had better answers for you. Right now I’m really trying to figure out all my emotions. I was very lonely and he didn’t want me the way I thought a husband should, he gave that to other people
thru porn, strippers and various other behaviors. I felt like he spit in my face when I found eveyrthing out. I had been married a long time when I found out everything. So
now I’ve given My life to a man who didn’t deserve it. That’s were the healing is coming in, I have found a very good counselor and have joined a womens group that focuses on healing not being bitter. Once again I suggest the Shattered Vows book it give
excellent ideas, support and resources. These resources do try to keep marriages together, but they focus on the wives healing.
 
P.S. You are not being stupid you are trying to figure things out. I do know that the women in my group that’s husbands are getting help are finding the there is hope for their marriage and things can actually get better. Is your husband getting help? He will have to decide that for his self but I do believe they need to get help thru a group or addiction counselor. I will say in my case that I had reached bottom and that I was done with our marriage if he didn’t get help which by the grace of God he did. Are your children very small or could you maybe get a part-time job to save money to help you start again? I think it very important to have a plan if you decide you can’t keep living this way. Feel free to PM me if you would like to.
 
Hi my husband and I just finished the 2 books from the Laaser couple:I found it useful for the most part,it also scared me a lot to realize that these addict have put themselves so often and deep into sin (with their own free will!!) that they become sick and have such a hard time getting rid of it(vice or addiction-whichever term you want to use…)It is a big punishment for them-but for the spouse I think it is actually emotionnally worse-not fair at all!!!What is fair is the fear of hell that they have-but then the spouse has it too!Nothing scares me more than to think we might well not be together forever in eternity!It could be me in hell too since I get so much despair from the situation…
But anyway we are looking seriously into the Laaser options,I might start the phone group-did you do it?And trying to find a Christian counsellor is not easy,please pray for us to find one.
Shattered wows helped me but I thought the hardest was behind me,and I can see there most likely be relapses:I don’t think I can deal with that.I wish all addicts could understand what it does to the spouse.If I hurt my spouse like that it would stop me.I know because I sinned against chastity before getting married,and when we got engaged I just stop totally I so wanted to never hurt my fiance then husband.That is what marriage is supposed to do:you are faithful out of a love so big you go the extra mile,you are not just avoiding sin of adultery(!),your spouse becomes your passion(I love his body,his conversations,his mind,his soul,everything…),more and more!I just get excited to see him when he comes back from work and when he wears a new shirt or exercise-I don’t know,I wish addicts could see that it’s possible to feel that way and it’s so much better for everybody involved!!!
 
wendy_w said:
P.S. You are not being stupid you are trying to figure things out. I do know that the women in my group that’s husbands are getting help are finding the there is hope for their marriage and things can actually get better. Is your husband getting help? He will have to decide that for his self but I do believe they need to get help thru a group or addiction counselor. I will say in my case that I had reached bottom and that I was done with our marriage if he didn’t get help which by the grace of God he did. Are your children very small or could you maybe get a part-time job to save money to help you start again? I think it very important to have a plan if you decide you can’t keep living this way. Feel free to PM me if you would like to.
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Yes my husband is going to get help and has been going to confession and retreats the whole time (12 years) and hating himself-he also had long periods of recovery.It should encourage me-on the contrary it makes me think he doesn’t want it enough since the grace of God is enough and obviously he is doing it again and again(and put himself in this situation,because you do not have a vice with a few falls):why did he need that in a happy marriage??He says it himself that home and with me is the happiest he can be:well???
I have a lot of children and still having babies+homeschooling this is where if I took a job it would be bad for all but tempted to think it would be the best for ME ,in the long run.Otherwise I have no option than stay and be betrayed(even though he claims he loves me and I see he is trying.)If I believe that,then I don’t believe in the grace of God:God always send everything we need to not sin-no?
 
wendy_w said:
P.S. You are not being stupid you are trying to figure things out. I do know that the women in my group that’s husbands are getting help are finding the there is hope for their marriage and things can actually get better. Is your husband getting help? He will have to decide that for his self but I do believe they need to get help thru a group or addiction counselor. I will say in my case that I had reached bottom and that I was done with our marriage if he didn’t get help which by the grace of God he did. Are your children very small or could you maybe get a part-time job to save money to help you start again? I think it very important to have a plan if you decide you can’t keep living this way. Feel free to PM me if you would like to.
Click to expand...
Yes my husband is going to get help and has been going to confession and retreats the whole time (12 years) and hating himself-he also had long periods of recovery.It should encourage me-on the contrary it makes me think he doesn’t want it enough since the grace of God is enough and obviously he is doing it again and again(and put himself in this situation,because you do not have a vice with a few falls):why did he need that in a happy marriage??He says it himself that home and with me is the happiest he can be:well???
I have a lot of children and still having babies+homeschooling this is where if I took a job it would be bad for all but tempted to think it would be the best for ME ,in the long run.Otherwise I have no option than stay and be betrayed(even though he claims he loves me and I see he is trying.)If I believe that,then I don’t believe in the grace of God:God always send everything we need to not sin-no?
 
Yes I found my womens group thru faithful and true it has been a left saver and since you are home it would work great because it’s on the phone. I would encourge your husband to attend the mens workshop thru the Laasers it was the turning point for my husband he said that he wouldn’t be this far in his recovery without it. It is kinda expensive and he had to travel but it was well worth the money. The feelings you have are normal I too struggle why I wasn’t enough and if he really loved me like he said then why did he do all these things. I prayed and prayed I believe God led us to the Laasers ministry. I go to confession alot for my anger I know God is forgiving me and I believe he forgives my husband.
 
I would like to add this is not a quick and easy process we have been working at this for 2 years. And my husband will alway be a addict I just pray he is always willing to work on his recovery. I can live with a recoverying addict but I can’t if he chooses not to work his program. I believe you have to be prepared for that and know what you are willing to live with and what your not. You need to have healthy boundries.
 
My husband is willing to do a workshop (Laaser),we have a big obstacle in the way:please pray that it can be removed!I am more excited about the phone group.
 
I will be praying for you. I think it is a really good sign that your husband wants to work on things!👍
 
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