Has your spouse ever hit you? Or you hit your spouse?

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Lone_Catholic

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I have, in our 10 years of marriage, slapped my husband, probably a total of 5 times. I’ve gotten much better, and haven’t gotten physical with him for several years now.

Last night, he was sitting in the recliner watching some sports thing, and I grabbed the remote to set the timer for a show I wanted to watch later. You would have thought that remote was gold-- he jumped up and tried to grab it away from me and said “Don’t just come in here and grab the remote away from me!” So… I threw the remote at his head. Pretty hard. He jumped up, hit me on the back as I was walking away, and then bowed up and said “You wanna go??!” It was a little bit amusing to me, even though disturbing at the same time.

I was already annoyed at him. We watch a show together on Sunday nights, but he chose to read about his team on the internet that would be playing on Monday night for 3 hours, so I watched it alone. Monday night he went to a friend’s house to watch the game. Tuesday night we usually watch a show together, but I suggested recording it, so we could get to bed early. He said fine, and then sat himself down in the recliner and started watching sports. The kids were already in bed-- he did help with this a little bit after he got home at 8:00 and I had fed, bathed and put one out of four kids down. So I made a plate and ate alone in the dining room while he watched sports. I was thinking he would probably forget to set the dvr, that is why I went to get the golden remote.

Anyway, what do you think? Are we totally disfunctional??

He was ready to make up this morning. I want nothing to do with him. I know I was physical with him too, but I just keep thinking about him hitting me, and I want to be as far away from him as possible. He said this morning “Oh sorry about last night. Can we hug?” I said “no” and walked past him. Then he said, “Come one, you are the one who threw a remote at my head!” Like, you KNOW it was all your fault, I’m just giving you an obiligatory apology so we can move on. He never thinks he is wrong about anything!! Any apology I have ever gotten from him has been so half-***, along with a reason why he did what he did, etc.

Lay it on me-- Do we need to get serious counseling?
 
If someone threw a remote at my head, it would be pretty hard for me not to retaliate. You shouldn’t have hit him, he shouldn’t have hit you. Maybe you both should go to counselling to learn how to resolve and control your anger.

As for your husband trying to make ammends this morning, perhaps you should have taken him up on that offer. Because what if something were to happen to him? You would have to live with that for the rest of your life.
 
I can only answer from my experience, but, I have never thrown anything at my husband nor hit/slapped him. He has never done such to me either… I never witnessed my parents do these things nor my sister and her husband, or my close friends - so, to me it seems out of the norms for family life.

Maybe talking to someone would be a good idea. You don’t want your kids to learn that this is normal in a marriage.
 
kage_ar said:
You don’t want your kids to learn that this is normal in a marriage.
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Kids didn’t see it. I would NEVER do something like that in front of the kids. They were sleeping. I’m not justifying it, believe me. I know it was wrong. I don’t feel bad about it though, even though I know I should. My only regret this morning was that I didn’t throw it harder. :eek:
 
Never grab the mans remote…your first mistake;) …
and in the same context NO MAN SHOULD EVER HIT A WOMAN (Regardless of what she is doing or has done…unless she is risking her life of someone elses)…added to that NO WOMAN should hit a man either (for the same reasons)!
Your not dysfunctional but I do suggest counseling as physcial abuse is not the norm anywhere nor should it be made the norm!
 
My mom hit us as we were growing up and I saw her slap my dad once. I swore to God I would never slap my kids and if I ever did that He would strike me down where I stand. I meant it and I still do mean it. I don’t want to be like my mom in this aspect. I never want to grow so angry that I cannot/will not control my actions and either slap, hit or throw something at him or anyone else. Believe me, this is easier said then done since I find myself being more and more like my mom every day. I HAVE to fight against myself and I HAVE to conquer that feeling of uncontrollable anger. What would keep you from slapping one of your kids when they get older?
 
Lone_Catholic said:
Kids didn’t see it. I would NEVER do something like that in front of the kids. They were sleeping. I’m not justifying it, believe me. I know it was wrong. I don’t feel bad about it though, even though I know I should. My only regret this morning was that I didn’t throw it harder. :eek:
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I’m sure my parents thought I was sleeping, too.
 
I hit DH with a shoe before we were married, something I am definitely not proud of. He was being a complete jerk and pretty much was provoking me. But that doesn’t excuse it at all. He has never hit me, although I know there were times when he was mad enough at me to want to. I remember one time he punched a wall when we were fighting (also when we were dating).

I think you both need counseling. I wouldn’t call it dysfunctional, but you obviously have very serious marital problems that need to be addressed before it’s too late.

ETA I agree with the other poster. If somebody threw a remote at my head, my first reaction would be to retaliate (again, doesn’t make it right). You did start it. I think you need to take responsibility for that in order to fix this.
 
My daughter’s dad, my daughter and I were on our way to go shopping. I received a call from someone to take her place at adoration for the night. It wasn’t the first time this person called and this person had just lost their parent a week earlier (which I had told my daughter’s dad about). Right when I started talking to this person my daughter’s dad started saying loudly “Excuses, excuses why don’t you just stop.” I did the whole “shsh” thing with my finger, he didn’t stop, so I went to lightly hit/tap his shoulder and got his face instead. Oh, that was soooo bad. We had an all out scream fest. I appologized profusely and it took a few days for him to forgive me. But I did appologize because I was wrong not matter how provoking the sitaution prior to the hit was. You should try to appologize too and also forgive.
 
masondoggy said:
You did start it. I think you need to take responsibility for that in order to fix this.
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Well, I don’t think I necessarily started it, just b/c I was the first to react. He was doing things for 3 days that I let get to me. But I do agree that I need to apologize (which I have) and forgive (which I’m working on).

As far as everyone else who said we DO need counseling… Do you think so, even in light of the fact that it is not a regular occurence, and I intend for it to never happen again, that it is a matter to send us to counseling? What if we just move on? Do you think it’s serious enough of a thing to go to counseling for?
 
Re-reading your original post, pargraph 3 - if not seeking some counciling, maybe try to get rid of the TV, it seems to be the crux of some sore spots?
 
Lone_Catholic said:
Well, I don’t think I necessarily started it, just b/c I was the first to react. He was doing things for 3 days that I let get to me. But I do agree that I need to apologize (which I have) and forgive (which I’m working on).

As far as everyone else who said we DO need counseling… Do you think so, even in light of the fact that it is not a regular occurence, and I intend for it to never happen again, that it is a matter to send us to counseling? What if we just move on? Do you think it’s serious enough of a thing to go to counseling for?
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I think the fact that you two are resorting to violence, even though it only happened once, warrants a visit to a counselor. You need to dig into the underlying issues that got you to this point. It’s better to go when you don’t really need to, then NOT to go when you do. Don’t take that gamble with your marriage. Just suck it up and go. 😉
 
kage_ar said:
Re-reading your original post, pargraph 3 - if not seeking some counciling, maybe try to get rid of the TV, it seems to be the crux of some sore spots?
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Agreed…can’t fathom getting that worked up over a TV show, but there may be other issues of control, power, etc. that you two need to work out.

All couples have disagreements, but the manner in which yours have escalated are both painfully immature (you sound like a couple of unsupervised grade-school siblings battling it out) and potentially dangerous and destructive to your relationship. As silly as it may sound, you both need the help of a 3d party to learn how to “fight like adults” or, more appropriately, to recognize and then communicate feelings of anger, frustration, hurt, disappointment, etc., without getting physical and/or emotionally punative with each other.
 
Just to clarify one more thing-- all of the other times that I hit my husband were several years ago, before I was Catholic. I was a lukewarm Protestant Christian, at best, and pretty much made up my own rules about what was right and wrong. There is one other time that I remember hitting at him, after I became Catholic, and I promptly went to confession for it. I do feel like it’s something I have under control, despite my lapse last night.

Can’t speak for my husband, as he has never hit back, until now.
 
Okay, C’mon; give the lady a break. No, I do not think you need to see a counselor. I come from a dysfunctional family, and my father was very abusive. He needs counseling to control his anger.

Now your situation: The thing is, you could have caused your husband to have a concussion. Then what would you tell the police, and your kids? You’ll be the abusive one.
You don’t need counseling, I don’t think. Anyone could go into the fit of rage that you describe. But it needs to stop there. What I think you need to do is ask yourself next time if the remote is more important than your husband. Is anything in this world worth fighting for or lunging at or more important than your husband? I’m not saying that I have not done what you have before, I’m no saint in this regard, but it will help you to think about your priorities in life. I think you should apologize to your husband. You could say something like “look I’m shocked at how you hit me, I never knew you were capable of that; that’s why it bothered me so much. The fact is, though, I hit you first. You’re more important to me than the remote. I’m sorry for having thrown the remote on you”
 
Lone_Catholic said:
I have, in our 10 years of marriage, slapped my husband, probably a total of 5 times. I’ve gotten much better, and haven’t gotten physical with him for several years now.

Last night, he was sitting in the recliner watching some sports thing, and I grabbed the remote to set the timer for a show I wanted to watch later. You would have thought that remote was gold-- he jumped up and tried to grab it away from me and said “Don’t just come in here and grab the remote away from me!” So… I threw the remote at his head. Pretty hard. He jumped up, hit me on the back as I was walking away, and then bowed up and said “You wanna go??!” It was a little bit amusing to me, even though disturbing at the same time.

I was already annoyed at him. We watch a show together on Sunday nights, but he chose to read about his team on the internet that would be playing on Monday night for 3 hours, so I watched it alone. Monday night he went to a friend’s house to watch the game. Tuesday night we usually watch a show together, but I suggested recording it, so we could get to bed early. He said fine, and then sat himself down in the recliner and started watching sports. The kids were already in bed-- he did help with this a little bit after he got home at 8:00 and I had fed, bathed and put one out of four kids down. So I made a plate and ate alone in the dining room while he watched sports. I was thinking he would probably forget to set the dvr, that is why I went to get the golden remote.

Anyway, what do you think? Are we totally disfunctional??

He was ready to make up this morning. I want nothing to do with him. I know I was physical with him too, but I just keep thinking about him hitting me, and I want to be as far away from him as possible. He said this morning “Oh sorry about last night. Can we hug?” I said “no” and walked past him. Then he said, “Come one, you are the one who threw a remote at my head!” Like, you KNOW it was all your fault, I’m just giving you an obiligatory apology so we can move on. He never thinks he is wrong about anything!! Any apology I have ever gotten from him has been so half-***, along with a reason why he did what he did, etc.

Lay it on me-- Do we need to get serious counseling?
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I think you answered your own question. I happen to agree with you. You both need to learn how to be big people and not act like five year olds with each other. I think that means serious counseling.
I also disagree with the person who characterized your husband’s apology as an amends. For an apology to be an amends one must be willing to do more than simply acknowledge their wrong doing. One must be willing to do what is necessary to make the relationship ok.
What worries me is that you are both parenting children. This is what they are seeing as ‘normal’. That means you will be unleashing them onto the world with a very strange idea of how grown-ups have a relationship.
So, yes, I agree with you…go sign up for counseling.
 
By the time I was 21 and ex-DH was 23, we had three kids under 5 years old, no money, and lived with roaches in the beds and mice in the cupboards. Tension and frustration was awful.
He began punching me - often, after #2 was born. When I was pregnant with #3, he began slapping the kids - hard! and verbally abusing them.
I began throwing shoes and canisters at him to ward him off.
When #3 was 10 days old, he left for good.

Goodby and good riddance.
No one ever hit me again.
 
Lone_Catholic said:
Just to clarify one more thing-- all of the other times that I hit my husband were several years ago, before I was Catholic. I was a lukewarm Protestant Christian, at best, and pretty much made up my own rules about what was right and wrong. There is one other time that I remember hitting at him, after I became Catholic, and I promptly went to confession for it. I do feel like it’s something I have under control, despite my lapse last night.

Can’t speak for my husband, as he has never hit back, until now.
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My question is, if you had answered his question about wanting to ‘go’ with a yes would he have hauled off and belted you?

I commend you for recognizing that you both need help to complete the growing up process . There is nothing awful or shameful about that - in fact, you recognizing it is pretty darn awesome…most of us just shrug our shoulders and say 'Oh well, we all have our problems…" You, on the other hand, know you could use some help…FABULOUS.
 
Island_Oak said:
Agreed…can’t fathom getting that worked up over a TV show, but there may be other issues of control, power, etc. that you two need to work out.

Yeah, it’s definitely not the TV as much as the other issues mentioned, and probably others. I can live without TV, for sure, and enjoyed our time of no cable. DH was the one to add cable, and he usually gets more excited about our shows than I do. I guess I just like it so much b/c it’s something we do together. We make a whole date night thing out of it, complete with wine and some kind of appetizer. It’s OUR time, after his hectic day at work, and my insane day staying home with 4 kids ages 6 and under, and homeschooling too! I wasn’t even fighting over the remote-- I was just picking it up-- he got all territorial about it and that is what made me so angry, after my 3 days of feeling neglected by him.

Does all sound very juvenile, I’m sure. Thankfully, we are not always so immature.
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