Has your spouse ever hit you? Or you hit your spouse?

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LSK said:
My question is, if you had answered his question about wanting to ‘go’ with a yes would he have hauled off and belted you?
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Actually, that question is what kept me up last night, despite my desperate need for sleep. I don’t know. I hope not, but I don’t know. Hopefully we will never be in that situation again.

I feel extremely silly in that everyone keeps referring to how immature we are and how we need to grow up. Yes, this INSTANCE was very immature. But it is not at all typical of our relationship.

And our children are being parented very well, and this is not something that they would ever see as normal for their parents. We normally try not to even argue in front of them. If we do “discuss” something even with slightly raised voice tones, our 6 year old says “STOP FIGHTING!” And we do!
 
Lone_Catholic said:
I have, in our 10 years of marriage, slapped my husband, probably a total of 5 times. I’ve gotten much better, and haven’t gotten physical with him for several years now.

Last night, he was sitting in the recliner watching some sports thing, and I grabbed the remote to set the timer for a show I wanted to watch later. You would have thought that remote was gold-- he jumped up and tried to grab it away from me and said “Don’t just come in here and grab the remote away from me!” So… I threw the remote at his head. Pretty hard. He jumped up, hit me on the back as I was walking away, and then bowed up and said “You wanna go??!” It was a little bit amusing to me, even though disturbing at the same time.

I was already annoyed at him. We watch a show together on Sunday nights, but he chose to read about his team on the internet that would be playing on Monday night for 3 hours, so I watched it alone. Monday night he went to a friend’s house to watch the game. Tuesday night we usually watch a show together, but I suggested recording it, so we could get to bed early. He said fine, and then sat himself down in the recliner and started watching sports. The kids were already in bed-- he did help with this a little bit after he got home at 8:00 and I had fed, bathed and put one out of four kids down. So I made a plate and ate alone in the dining room while he watched sports. I was thinking he would probably forget to set the dvr, that is why I went to get the golden remote.

Anyway, what do you think? Are we totally disfunctional??

He was ready to make up this morning. I want nothing to do with him. I know I was physical with him too, but I just keep thinking about him hitting me, and I want to be as far away from him as possible. He said this morning “Oh sorry about last night. Can we hug?” I said “no” and walked past him. Then he said, “Come one, you are the one who threw a remote at my head!” Like, you KNOW it was all your fault, I’m just giving you an obiligatory apology so we can move on. He never thinks he is wrong about anything!! Any apology I have ever gotten from him has been so half-***, along with a reason why he did what he did, etc.

Lay it on me-- Do we need to get serious counseling?
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there is really now way to judge the situation, but i recommend , from personaly experiance, both of you learn anger managment. even someone who is not all that angry could benefit from knowing about anger and how to channel it properly adn what makes up angry to begin with.

i say it is more on the man not to hit woman, women hitting men does not bother me as much, maybe cause i dont percieve it as a threat, unless she is like the hulk or something, if that upsets you women, that is too bad, that is just the way it is.

you too should at least get some boxing gear , head protection, and gloves , and pads…and have fun if that is what you like to do 🙂 hahaha…

seriously, anger managerment is awesome and i believe should be taught in grade school or high school, it woud have solved alot of problems for me lol

peace be to both of you …oh…and keep it playful in front of the kids…no need to drag them into any trauma…

God Bless.
 
In answer to the title question - no, I have never hit my husband, and he has never hit me.

We have occasionally shouted at each other, but even this is very rare. I can’t remember the last time I was actually angry with him.

I was annoyed with him yesterday for tracking mud through the kitchen, but I mentioned it to him, and we resolved it peacefully.

I said, “Your shoes were muddy and there is mud all over the kitchen from when you came in; that’s very annoying!”, and he said, “Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize my shoes had gotten all muddy - oh, look, what a mess I made!” and then he mopped up the floor for me. 🙂

I don’t think normal people hit each other, or throw things at each other - other than maybe pillow fights or something like that.
 
I have never hit my husband and he has never hit me.There was one time I wanted to hit him so I got up and left the room.

This is not normal behavior for two mature adults.
 
My brother hit me a lot when we were growing up and I was sometimes spanked, but what you describe is totally outside my experience. My parents were never anything but defenders of one another. They disagreed, but there was nothing in the world they would hit each other about.

I cannot imagine throwing something like a remote control at my husband and being anything other than horrified at what I had done. I can’t imagine my husband winging a remote control at me and letting that give me the right to hit him, either. You both lost it.

OTOH, I have said things that some little voice in the back of my head told me was out-of-bounds, something I should apologize for immediately, regardless of what provoked it, and I was mad enough at the time to have another voice shout, “WELL, I DON’T CARE!” You lost control of your temper and so did he. Maybe both of you can sit down and decide that you just aren’t going to let it happen again. If that incident doesn’t horrify both of you, though, I’d say: Get some counselling.

I’m not saying you are bad people. I’m saying that you would both be happier if you learned that tolerating that kind of thing in any amount whatsoever is no way to live.
 
Hitting is not the problem. (It is a problem, but not** the** problem.) I’m sure the both of you are very stressed out, and tired and worried, of course that’s when the defenses tend to wear down. I think you need to address two problems. The biggest one is you both need to sit down and really have a good talk about your relationship, what you are insecure about, what you are stressed out about, what you both need from the other, and everything of the such. Second you need to learn to control your anger better. If you cannot do that on your own, then yes, you probably ought to see a councillor.

Who started it? Who cares. Are you horrible? Yes and no, everyone is horrible in that they suffer from Original Sin, it makes them weak and insecure. Every one’s spots are different. I say no in that your not extraordinary, you should be quite humble to know, that we are all at risk for doing the same thing. Sometimes it takes a crisis to actually flush out the problems. The bad can be twisted to be good. It is a waste of time to not forgive yourself and your husband, especially if you take the time, to make this crisis to help grow and mature your marriage. It also takes two. So I’ll pray for you that, you will both forgive and help each other with your problems. Sometimes it can be done, sometimes it cannot, but it doesn’t seem like both of you don’t want things to work well, but are just frustrated. If you can do it on your own, great, but don’t rule out a councillor.
 
No, I have never hit my spouse, nor been hit by him. We have yelled at one another but we never called each other names, nor have we pushed each other.

If a man hits a woman then it is abusive. If the woman hits a man then she is the one being abusive. It isn’t normal behavior within a marriage to strike one another.

I don’t think that having a problem with anger makes you a bad person, but it does mean that you need to get some help to learn different ways to express your temper. At least you do admit that you have a problem. I’ve known people who continually make excuses for their anger and blame the other person. You don’t seem to be doing that.
 
First, please allow me to give some insight into men. The first emotion most men feel is anger. I’m pretty in touch with my feelings as a guy, but I still feel anger rising up when something big happens. In particular, for guys it is easier to get angry than to be afraid.

My wife and I have been married almost 17 years and never come close to hitting one another. It’s one of those boundaries that’s easier to cross each time. Your marriage relationship is of paramount importance. I’d seek counselling before something really serious happens.

I’d also talk about it openly and agree to retreat behind a “no violence” line in the sand.

Blessings
 
We’ve had in the past a very rocky marriage. Thank God we joined the Catholic Church, it has really made a difference. The last time I slapped my husband, I went to Confession and haven’t slapped him since.
Anything physical has no place in marriage where we should be treating each other as sacramental human beings. You should have forgive him as soon as he asked. Sorry for being so blunt but that’s my opinion, which Jesus specifically stated.
I’ve been the one who has had to ask for forgiveness many times since I am the one with a bad temper. DH has always forgiven me and I really am grateful.
For mood swings, see your doctor and ask for Lexapro. It has done wonders for my moods.
 
My husband has never hit me, and I’ve never hit him out of real anger. Lately I’ve taken to throwing his beer bottle caps at him because he consistently leaves them on the counter rather than put them in the trash. It’s more of a joke than anything though. Sometimes I’ll holler “argh!” and stomp over to him menacingly and throw it at him (NEVER at his head for goodness sake!), and other times I’ll be guerrilla like and toss it in his lap when he’s unaware. I think I have thrown things at him in the past, but not hard, not meaning to hurt, just to get his attention. When you inflict pain on a man, step back, they do not handle it well. That is probably why he hit you back this time, you really knocked him hard on the noggin. My older brother used to hit me on the head with the remote control when we were little, and he’d leave gooseeggs on my head with it.

Forget about what you think he needs to do. Take hold of yourself, take full and complete responsibility for your anger. If he were to have attacked you during an argument without any physical provocation from you, I’d tell you you probably had a big problem and needed to see a counselor. Had you not thrown the remote control at his head, had you not hurt him, he would not have hit you from the sound of the story. If you want to get his attention for neglecting showing you affection, you’re not going to get the results you desire by throwing something at his head and hurting him physically. Men aren’t too smart about reading between the lines. Sometimes they dont’ even get it if you spell it out for them when it comes to a woman’s emotional needs. Maybe you should see a counselor yourself alone first, and then after going through that invite your husband to do the same with you. You’ve already admitted to having the anger problem, you’ve already admitted that you don’t feel sorry about it, and wish you had thrown it harder. You are where the problem lies, from the sound of it to me.

PRAY! Anger is one of the seven deadly sins. The cardinal virtue needed to battle anger is Temperance. You threw that remote at him because it made you feel better. You were indulging a side of yourself that should have been brought under your control long ago, a side you really should not be able to even hear anymore. The fact that it’s still there loud enough for you to listen to, and that you let it take over means it’s something you really need to whip into your control. Pray fervently for Temperance. Read Matthew Chapter 5: 21-26. Remember Christ was not angry at wrong done to himself. While on the cross he was still able to say, “Father forgive them, they know not what they do.” Christ also commanded us in John Chapter 13:34 “Love one another as I have loved you.” And when Peter asked Him how many times he should forgive in Matthew Chapter 18:21-22 "Then Peter approaching asked him, ‘Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive him? As many as seven times?’ Jesus answered, 'I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times. ’ "

When Pope John Paul II went to the prision where the man who shot him was confined, it was to forgive him, not to take any sort of vengence against him. You’ve got to gain solace from forgiveness, not let yourself feel better because you gave into your anger.

If you don’t want to talk to a counselor, talk to a priest. But either way, pray about this, and ask your husband if you left a lump on his head. Certainly accept his attempts to make up with you, not doing so only comforts that angry little gal inside you who made you throw the remote at his head in the first place.
 
Lone_Catholic said:
Well, I don’t think I necessarily started it, just b/c I was the first to react. He was doing things for 3 days that I let get to me. But I do agree that I need to apologize (which I have) and forgive (which I’m working on).

As far as everyone else who said we DO need counseling… Do you think so, even in light of the fact that it is not a regular occurence, and I intend for it to never happen again, that it is a matter to send us to counseling? What if we just move on? Do you think it’s serious enough of a thing to go to counseling for?
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For a one time thing, I wouldn’t worry. But, yes, you owe him an apology. You know that, right?

But, it sounds like he is neglecting you a little. Maybe you need to set up a date night.
 
leonie said:
For a one time thing, I wouldn’t worry. But, yes, you owe him an apology. You know that, right?

But, it sounds like he is neglecting you a little. Maybe you need to set up a date night.
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For you and everyone else who keeps telling me to apologize… read my posts!! I DID. I know I said I wasn’t sorry, but later I said I was, and I apologized. OK??

As for the date night… HELLO-- this is what it is all about-- 2 “date nights” neglected to watch sports!!
 
Lone_Catholic said:
For you and everyone else who keeps telling me to apologize… read my posts!! I DID. I know I said I wasn’t sorry, but later I said I was, and I apologized. OK??

As for the date night… HELLO-- this is what it is all about-- 2 “date nights” neglected to watch sports!!
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sorry, sometimes I’m a lazy thread reader.

What I meant, though, was that I thought the fact that he was neglecting your date nights was more important than the incident. disclaimer: I would never advocate physical violence towards neglectful husbands.

It must be hard to get his attention if it takes throwing things at him to get a reaction. 🙂
 
i am just speaking from personal experience and i know someone mentioned “temperance”. I believe that temperance is a great virtue to practice. However, remember that while you practice it, you also have to be COMPLETELY forgiving.

My husband had an issue with anger but he had been taught in childhood to control it. He was very proud of the fact that he did not display any anger. But whenever he would get hurt, he would suppress the anger and but remember the hurt, and would wait for the right opportunity to hurt me back for it.

That kind of anger repression does not help anyone nor the relationship.

I, on the other hand, would get angry and say it out aloud but once it was done, I would forgive and forget and not hold it against him.

Remember, forgiveness is the key here!!!
 
I agree with most everything that has been said. First, you should swallow the pride and apologize unconditionally. Then you guys should see a good Catholic marriage counselor. You should also create some “date” time.

I think there is an addiction we don’t talk about very often - Sports TV addiction. No joke. How many people (mostly male) are hijacked away from their family for endless hours every week. After all, you’ve gotta watch every bowl game, and the NFL all afternoon on Sunday, Monday night football too, football on Thanksgiving, football on Christmas… and I haven’t even mentioned basketball, baseball, or hockey yet!
 
Lone_Catholic said:
Actually, that question is what kept me up last night, despite my desperate need for sleep. I don’t know. I hope not, but I don’t know. Hopefully we will never be in that situation again.

I feel extremely silly in that everyone keeps referring to how immature we are and how we need to grow up. Yes, this INSTANCE was very immature. But it is not at all typical of our relationship.

And our children are being parented very well, and this is not something that they would ever see as normal for their parents. We normally try not to even argue in front of them. If we do “discuss” something even with slightly raised voice tones, our 6 year old says “STOP FIGHTING!” And we do!
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Look, you asked us to ‘lay it on you’. But I prefer to read your post in a literal sense. I think you are BOTH in need of help in terms of growing up. What I absolutely applaud you for is recognizing that there is something about the way you both communicate with each other (broken date nights, assuming he is not going to dvr a show, challenging each other to fights) that might be in need of some correction and fine tuning. That can be done through counselling or the various marriage programs offered through the Catholic Church.

I am so glad you keep this kind of interaction at a minimum. Hopefully it won’t adversely affect your children. That just proves to me that you and your husband really REALLY want to do this whole marriage and parent gig RIGHT and I think that is FABULOUS.
So go sign up for counselling and then tell him it is a sporting event (JUST KIDDING).
 
LSK said:
So go sign up for counselling and then tell him it is a sporting event (JUST KIDDING).
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waaa haaaa haaaa!!!

Love it!

Thanks everyone for your (name removed by moderator)ut. You’re right LSK, I did ask for it, so thanks to everyone, even the ones who called us immature brats and the sort.
 
Strange enough… not about a week ago, my wife hit me during a fit of emotions. I am pretty sure she has never done it before, and I can guarantee that I have never laid hand on her.

My emotions at the time were in check, so besides the smarting on my side I didn’t really think much of it. (Problem is, if my emotions had been out of control I may have reacted different.) I mentioned to her as she was calming down that she shouldn’t do things like that.

A few days later wifey comes out of confession eyes wide. :eek: Apparently the priest gave her a talking to. It was at that point it really put things more in perspective for the both of us.

Honestly… my wife and I do not need marriage counseling. What we personally need to do is practice patience and self control. I do not know if you need counseling or not, but at the very least I recommend going with the apology / hug to hubby and then going to confession. You have to admit… the reason you threw a remote at him was a very silly reason. Work on keeping your emotions in check. (And don’t throw remotes at your beloved anymore! 👍 )
 
Lone_Catholic said:
Last night, he was sitting in the recliner watching some sports thing, and I grabbed the remote to set the timer for a show I wanted to watch later.
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Grabbed the remote – FROM him?

I am a woman, and I would have been irritated. At the very least ASK to borrow it at the next commercial break.

If I had been watching something and my DH would have GRABBED the remote from me, I would have been mad. But I would never have HIT him.

Hitting is NOT normal. Neither is throwing HARD objects.
 
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