Has your spouse ever hit you? Or you hit your spouse?

[rayne89]

Dulcissima’s post made me curious and I reviewed some of your old posts. There is a lot of history of insensitive, hurtful behavior on your husband’s part. Reading some of your old posts made me want to throw a remote at his head.

More than ever I recommend a Marriage Encounter weekend, and I think some counseling is in order. If your hubby won’t go to counseling just go by yourself. I think it would be helpful in dealing with your frustration and emotions from living with a rather self centered husband.

I will pray for you and your situation.

 

[Teelynn]

I have read all the posts, and there are alot of very helpful answers to a very complicated question. Some Christian counseling would be helpful, I believe. I think this young lady was very courageous to 1st of all acknowledge that there is a problem here that needs fixing at the beginning stages, and 2nd of all to post the question and have a few stones thrown at her. It’s dissapointing to me that the tone of some of the posts are uncharitable, self righteous, and degrading. Maybe some of us should take the plank out of our eye so that we can remove the speck from our brother’s. “But for the grace of God there go I.”

Teelynn

 

[Lone_Catholic]

Thanks Teelynn. And hello dulcissima! It’s so nice to be remembered… even if it is for my disfunctional marriage! ha! ACTUALLY, our marriage has come nearly full circle since those last posts. We did get some good counseling from an excellent Catholic counselor, and have worked through alot of our issues. I think for me, the answer was to focus on what I need to do, instead of on his shortcomings. Yes, he is self-centered. But I knew that when I married him! I have my shortcomings too-- I lose my patience very easily (although I don’t always throw things when I lose it!). We have to keep forgiving, that is the only way to make it. He actually has been great about the weight thing. We had our 4th baby this past March and what a blessing he has been! I’m still struggling to lose the baby weight, but it’s starting to come off, an he has been very encouraging, actually can’t keep his hands off of me. Always tells me I look good to him, just the way I am, that kind of thing. I’m totally motivated to lose weight now though, b/c it is for me, not for someone else. Then we had that whole issue last Christmas about going to his family’s house EVERY Christmas. This year we moved into a new house-- our FIRST house actually, and I really really wanted to come back to our house for Christmas morning. It didn’t work out b/c of his job-- he couldn’t get off enough time, and I didn’t feel right dragging the kids down to the grandparents 8 hours away for 2 days and then coming back here for Christmas. So I let it go. It was hard, but in the end, we had a great Christmas season. I’m hoping for next year! And I’m not at all bitter about it, b/c he was willing to come back here after only 2 days with his family, and that went a long way with me. Even his mom told me after we were there that she could see a difference in me, that I seemed to have found peace in my life. So things are good.

This last, er… altercation just had me concerned that we were slipping back. I know the behavior was totally unacceptable, that really was never the question. Ok, it was at the beginning, when I said my only regret was not to have thrown it harder! That was the devil talking. tee hee. But we got over it. We’re fine now. We both apologized, we both forgave. We agreed it would never happen again. So we keep moving forward.

Thanks everyone!

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

I’m not rationalizing anything!! I only told other parts to the story as to give some sort of background, and try to show other things that might be going on. Otherwise my post would have been “I threw a remote at my husband.” I never said what I did was OK-- I said I knew it was wrong, and I also said I apologized, as has my husband! We’ve made up! OK??

And as far as not taking care of the marriage unless things were “really wrong”… whose marriage is perfect? I guess everyone here should be in counseling then, right? We actually have been to counseling before, and we’ve been to marriage conferences… we want to work on our marriage! I was just trying to figure out if what happened last night spiraled us down to where we have been in the past, or was it just a simple lapse. This is what I believe it was.

I have gotten everyone’s messages and have expressed appreciation for them. I’m not “focusing on the tone”-- I mentioned the tone. Does someone feel like my mentioning the tone is hitting a little close to home??

Please guys… a little charity, please!! In fact, can we be done? I am starting to feel a bit hurt by some of you.

It should hurt. Charity is not always a warm sentiment. Sometimes the kindest thing to do is lay it on the line and be brutally honest. And that should hurt.

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**If someone tells you you were wrong and have no excuse for that behavior and you actually care about the situation - it’s going to hurt to hear it from anyone. That doesn’t make it less true or cruel of them to say it. **

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What I hear in your posts was along the lines of, “Well yeah I shouldn’t have hit him, BUT…” Everything after the word BUT cancels out the apology. It doesn’t matter what he did or did not do. YOU know better than to hit him. What’s more you were rational enough at the time to control it if the kids had been up, which means it was more than just a random spurt of emotions. There’s some calculation in that. I don’t care if it’s normal for others or not. It’s wrong for everyone.

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If a man had come on to this forum and said, “I threw a hard object at my wife’s head really hard, and I’m sorry, BUT she was watching tv too much and hanging out with her friends too much and I felt neglicted. We’ve said were sorry and made up, so let’s just forget it and move on.” The implication is that, although he is a bit sorry, it’s not really all his fault. She deserved it some. I doubt anyone would be so “charitable” as they are being with you.

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So, go get counseling. Both of you if neccessary. ASAP. THAT would be great. You have a history of this, by your previous post, and that should make you more aware of getting help for it. Any abuser/victim will tell you, it always starts with one hit. Don’t wait until there is a “pattern” to decide you should get counseling, by then it may be too late to do any good.

 

[shirleytowers]

Adults don’t hit each other or throw things at each other. Period.

Counseling for you both.

 

[Teelynn]

Yep, you can be blunt and to the point, and YES I believe sometimes that*** is ***charitable. But you can be blunt and to the point and ***still ***be encouraging and charitable at the same time. In a few of the posts I have seen, it is merely stone throwing, which makes me sad to see in a Catholic Christian site. In situations like this it might be a good idea to ask oneself “What would Jesus say?” And “How would He say it?” “Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone.”

Teelynn

 

[deb1]

Yep, you can be blunt and to the point, and YES I believe sometimes that*** is ***charitable. But you can be blunt and to the point and ***still ***be encouraging and charitable at the same time. In a few of the posts I have seen, it is merely stone throwing, which makes me sad to see in a Catholic Christian site. In situations like this it might be a good idea to ask oneself “What would Jesus say?” And “How would He say it?” “Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone.”

Teelynn

I have read through this thread and I don’t think that there are any post that say that the OP is an evil, bad person. No one seems to be judging her personally. Several people are judging her actions which she asked them to do.

I would like to say to the OP, Hurray for you for understanding that you have a problem and getting help! It takes a lot of inner strength to face your faults and try and correct them.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

You shouldn’t do something like that anyway! My EX tried to shove me down a flight of steps. Next day I got a PFA order and he was out of the house. Case closed.
Kathy

Exactly. There are some actions for which the brakes must always be on. If you’d merit jail time for doing it to a stranger, be assured that a not even a single instance of the same action on your spouse should ever be tolerated.

The remote control incident does not rise to that level, however, particularly since it is a single incident of behavior that has been largely overcome from the past and that no one in the relationship thinks should become the norm.

 

[Teelynn]

Very sensitive subject indeed. And maybe the perception of some of the tone in a few of these posts are all in the eye of the beholder and his or her personality. All I know is that I have read through this entire thread and found some very helpful, blunt ***and ***charitable advice, and have found a few to be more than a little inflamitory without any display of Christian charity. I am with Whatevergirl in that I would never post a sensitive, personal issue, not even on this site. But I guess on the other hand, you have to hang on to what is helpful and throw out the rest.

Just my perception and humble opinion.
Tee

 

[hasikelee]

I think it has to do what you are really trying to say, OP.

Some people will say “he is crazy.” But are you saying crazy as in acts funny or a little on edge, or crazy as in mental illness?

Were you guys fighting physically as in roughhousing or as in really trying to hurt each other?

Some people are more physical than others and roughhousing is actually enjoyable and natural. Only you and your hubby were there so only you can answer whether it was violence intended to hurt the other person or just being a little crazy.

 

[cmujake]

i am just speaking from personal experience and i know someone mentioned “temperance”. I believe that temperance is a great virtue to practice. However, remember that while you practice it, you also have to be COMPLETELY forgiving.

My husband had an issue with anger but he had been taught in childhood to control it. He was very proud of the fact that he did not display any anger. But whenever he would get hurt, he would suppress the anger and but remember the hurt, and would wait for the right opportunity to hurt me back for it.

That kind of anger repression does not help anyone nor the relationship.

I, on the other hand, would get angry and say it out aloud but once it was done, I would forgive and forget and not hold it against him.

Remember, forgiveness is the key here!!!

Mariam,
I agree with you about suppressing the anger. Not always a good thing. While it is hard to keep your words to yourself sometimes, it is also important to phrase them in a caring way. I heard on The Catholic Channel this morning:

“It is better to swallow your harsh words now than to eat them later.”
Regarding the forgiveness, if you can’t do that, then you cannot progress. The only perfect person died 2000 years ago.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

Adults don’t hit each other or throw things at each other. Period.

Counseling for you both.

If you had an adult who would quibble with that or would make it a habit, sure.

This is kind of along the lines of “Would you see a doctor”?

If you had one instance of gross overeating, as an example, you’d ask yourself these questions: Why did I do this? Do I think it is OK? Could it in any way be described as habitual or something problematic that is getting progressively worse? Am I using this behavior to cope with a problem that I am not facing directly? Have I decided it is not OK and yet failed to control myself thereafter? Is this a severe instance, such as would be characteristic of a bulimic, or an instance of letting my guard down about a problem I should be vigilant about in myself?

If the incident is not severe and not habitual, then examining why it happened in this case and taking steps so as not to repeat it may well be all that is required. I guess I’d advocate keeping a diary of times that you or your spouse don’t manage your anger appropriately and then re-visiting that down the line. I think that an honest appraisal of that would indicate whether your problematic anger is something that warrants professional help.

In the analogy, there are those of us who have no problem controlling our eating and those of us who struggle with it. Not everybody who struggles with gluttony needs to see a physician or a nutrition expert about it. They do all need to face that this is something they cannot afford to ignore or make light of in the future. Gluttony is gluttony, and it is not something a healthy soul tolerates. Likewise, anger. When it crosses the line from emotion to sin, you can’t afford to ignore that spiritual fault.

Keep an eye on how you handle your anger in your marriage. If the problem does not come under control by facing up to it and making its management a joint project, then a visit to a marriage counsellor might be the best money you ever spent.

This is very important, and I think you know that. Couples split over stuff like this and people involve courts over stuff like this. If even one more “red flag” incident happens–and this does make the level of a red flag incident–deal with it immediately and in no uncertain terms.

By the way, I don’t think you’re the only couple who is in this borderline region when it comes to anger management. You brought up something that many couples struggle with, some of whom ignore the problem, and with devasting effect, others of whom do not realize how much an improvement in this area will improve their lives as a whole. It was a brave post, and a good one. Thanks for that.

 

[Lone_Catholic]

Thank you BLB_Oregon! Now THAT was a charitable (NICE), encouraging AND helpful post!!

 

[Black_Jaque]

Do I think you should get counciling?

Yes and no.

What are the two of you doing to work on preventing this from happening again? If the answer is nothing, or the same thing you’ve always been doing (and the problem isn’t going away) then maybe you need counciling.

If your both taking these things to confession you probably don’t need much counciling.

I think people panic over petty stuff as you described. No one was hurt, and it doesn’t seem like anything was done that would have resulted in serious injury.

Contrary to popular psychology, people DO restrain themselves in passionate moments. Psychologist just see a disproportionate number of those people who lack that restraint. Hence psychologists give a one-size-fits-all Rx for the whole of society. Sort of like, since occasional parents are too absent minded about leaving their kids in a car, the whole of society gets bound by law to drag their kids out of the car just to pay for gas.

 

[Black_Jaque]

P.S.

I should also pose a rather retorical question to the thread. I wonder if couples who fight passionately also make love passionately? In other words, is there a benefit that balances things out?

If you had the choice between someone who got passionately angry, but was equally passionate about making you feel loved; or someone who was cool in a dispute, and cool about their affections towards you, which would you choose?

 

[deb1]

P.S.

I should also pose a rather retorical question to the thread. I wonder if couples who fight passionately also make love passionately? In other words, is there a benefit that balances things out?

If you had the choice between someone who got passionately angry, but was equally passionate about making you feel loved; or someone who was cool in a dispute, and cool about their affections towards you, which would you choose?

I would choose neither. Both your examples are at extreme ends of the marital relationship. I think that both couples would be equally unhappy but in different ways.

As far as lovemaking, we would all have to divulge intimate details to determine who has the most passionate lovemaking and that would be a litte bit too much info.

My hubby and I are very happy. We do argue and at the begining of our marriage, we argued pretty often but we never resorted to hitting one another. This is pretty remarkable when you consider the insane(and I don’t mean that in a positive, happy way) families that we came from.

 

[Marilena]

If someone threw a remote at my head, it would be pretty hard for me not to retaliate. You shouldn’t have hit him, he shouldn’t have hit you. Maybe you both should go to counselling to learn how to resolve and control your anger.

As for your husband trying to make ammends this morning, perhaps you should have taken him up on that offer. Because what if something were to happen to him? You would have to live with that for the rest of your life.

i agree. they both need marital counseling. make an appointment with your priest and ask for counseling. violence is never the answer to anything, be it you or him, or both of you doing it to each other. i have never inmy marriage had a violent encounter, nor do i ever want one. i was verbally abused and slapped by my ex in my last marriage, and trust me aint happening again, and it wont. i have a fantastic marriage, and if i get cranky, i work it out immediately with God and with my husband, but by no means am i ever violent or rude to him. he is not violent or rude to me either.

your marriage needs intense work. both of you need to work on your temper. this is a cause for concern because you have chidlren together. this is not acceptable at all, children or not.
please, consider getting help.

 

[Black_Jaque]

As far as lovemaking, we would all have to divulge intimate details to determine who has the most passionate lovemaking and that would be a litte bit too much info.

Hence it was a rhetorical question. I didn’t really want to see an answer. Just something for board members to ruminate on.

I suppose it wouldn’t have to be about lovemaking per se either. It could just be “passionate about showing their love”. Which could mean anything from washing dishes to dancing.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

Hence it was a rhetorical question. I didn’t really want to see an answer. Just something for board members to ruminate on.

I suppose it wouldn’t have to be about lovemaking per se either. It could just be “passionate about showing their love”. Which could mean anything from washing dishes to dancing.

I thought it was only a rhetorical question if it could be assumed that we all knew the answer.

I don’t buy the “passionate” thing. I suppose that faults lie both in the direction of having too much self-control and having too little, but I believe there is a happy medium that gives the best of both worlds. In other words, to learn the virtue of self-control does not require giving up some of your capacity to love well.

 

[deb1]

Hence it was a rhetorical question. I didn’t really want to see an answer. Just something for board members to ruminate on.

I suppose it wouldn’t have to be about lovemaking per se either. It could just be “passionate about showing their love”. Which could mean anything from washing dishes to dancing.

I don’t understand asking a rhetorical question unless you think that we agree with your premise, which I didn’t.

As far as being passionate about showing love. My hubby is pretty affectionate and willing to show his love in myriad ways, so I don’t see a correlation between passionate arguing and lovemaking.

I think such a scenario as you depict could only exist either in the movies or at the extreme begining of a relationship. Over a short period of time, constant, intense arguing would quickly get old and become emotionally painful.

By the way, I apologize to the OP for getting sidetracked.