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Lone_Catholic
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It was sitting on the arm of the chair. He wasn’t holding it. I could set the dvr without changing the channel on what he was watching.
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Rob_s_Wife
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HELLO - that is NOT a “date night” with your dh. That is a date with a t.v. screen.
I completely agree. YES, YOU need counseling.
**No one should hit another unless it is self-defense. Period. Even without the hitting you were very harsh and disrespectful. **
**Lady, YOU went looking for a fight and very nearly found it. **You hit him hard with a hard object - what did you expect to happen? Did you think he was just going to sit there and take the hits? I get the impression you are more upset that he didn’t just sit and take it than you are about anything else. I don’t think your dh wants to smack you around. I think your dh isn’t going to let you smack him around and wanted to make it clear that you crossed a line.
**I have no idea why you try to make excuses for what all he did or didn’t do the days leading up to this. Or whether the kids were awake or not. (And the fact that you can control it enough to “never do it in front of the kids” shows some calculation.) It doesn’t matter and it’s no excuse. **Just because dh doesn’t watch t.v. or go to bed when you want him to, does not mean you get to throw a temper tantrum and start hitting.
I cut you no slack for this. If any man had posted this about his wife, he’d get ripped big time for it and he’d deserve it.
I’ll tell you the same I tell my little kids, "If you hit someone, you should be prepared to expect they will very likely want to hit back. If you don’t want to get hit, then you better not hit anyone!"
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Lone_Catholic
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FINALLY!!! Thank you frogman!!! I am feeling like a terrible horrible person here! I know what I did was wrong, but with every post stating “I would NEVER HIT my husband”… it’s leaving me feeling pretty ******. By the way, I KNOW what i did was wrong. At this point, dh and I have made up and resolved to work on the issues that are there, and to never let something like last night happen again. Our marriage has been pretty close to fabulous for the past year, with a few exceptions, and we have had some rough times. I had the thought several times today, and I don’t want to be uncharitable, and I know I asked the question in my original post, so many people were simply answering the question. But I felt a tone in several that bordered on self-righteousness and wonder at the pure nastiness of a wife that would throw something at her husband. I’ll just say this-- I have met several women who are esteemed by many to be very holy women, and I have seen them chew their husbands up and spit them out in the way they have spoken to them in front of people. I do not speak badly about my husband, and I do not boss him around or make him look stupid in front of people. As one poster pointed out, we are all subject to original sin, therefore, BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD, we are ALL capable of any sin! So be careful in your thoughts and hearts before you judge another. Harboring anger against your spouse is a sin, whether we act on it by throwing a remote, or by holding it in and eventually exploding, or by cutting him down with tiny little sharp comments that do nothing but emasculate him. That being said, I was not hurt and did not take anything personally that anyone said. And I’m also not pointing fingers or saying that anyone was being this way. So please don’t respond that I asked for it (which I did). I’m just making an observation.Strange enough… not about a week ago, my wife hit me during a fit of emotions. I am pretty sure she has never done it before, and I can guarantee that I have never laid hand on her.
My emotions at the time were in check, so besides the smarting on my side I didn’t really think much of it. (Problem is, if my emotions had been out of control I may have reacted different.) I mentioned to her as she was calming down that she shouldn’t do things like that.
A few days later wifey comes out of confession eyes wide.Apparently the priest gave her a talking to. It was at that point it really put things more in perspective for the both of us.
Honestly… my wife and I do not need marriage counseling. What we personally need to do is practice patience and self control. I do not know if you need counseling or not, but at the very least I recommend going with the apology / hug to hubby and then going to confession. You have to admit… the reason you threw a remote at him was a very silly reason. Work on keeping your emotions in check. (And don’t throw remotes at your beloved anymore!)
Another interesting thing, frogman, the other time I hit him, a few years ago, I went to confession, and the priest told me I should not do it, but he felt that what I might be MORE guilty of, and what hurts husbands most, are our sharp words. At the end of that confession, I resolved to sin no more, so I guess I have failed in that area, so back to confession I go. Thank God for that great sacrament.
Thanks again everyone for your (name removed by moderator)ut. It helps to get some outside opinions sometimes.
God Bless!
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Lone_Catholic
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Thanks Rob’s Wife. See above post.
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Lone_Catholic
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The “look Lady” tone didn’t do a whole lot for me either.
As far as the date with the tv screen, you choose your dates, and dh and I will choose ours. We happen to like relaxing and watching a tv show together, and hanging out before and after as well, so it’s not JUST staring at a tv screen. It also has nothing to do with the issues at hand.
As far as the date with the tv screen, you choose your dates, and dh and I will choose ours. We happen to like relaxing and watching a tv show together, and hanging out before and after as well, so it’s not JUST staring at a tv screen. It also has nothing to do with the issues at hand.
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Tantum_ergo
Guest
Just as an add-on: I know you and hubby think you never fight in front of the kids. But take it from one who knows. . .those little ears hear more, and those little eyes see more, than you know. When you and your hubby are in a discussion, you’re pretty much focused on the discussion. You don’t hear the feet on the stairs, or see the faces pressed to the door while the child listens. You don’t see the child’s quick glance the next morning to see mom’s smile is tightlipped and false, and dad’s eyes don’t quite meet theirs straight on when he says, “Good morning.”
Family counseling with a good Catholic therapist is what I would recommend. The kids won’t be in the same room when you and hubby are with the therapist. They won’t be ‘forced into knowledge’ but you might be surprised at how much they already know. Even 3 and 4 year olds can verbalize. And because they are so young, they can misinterpret things and suffer greatly.
God bless, and prayers for you and your dear family.
Family counseling with a good Catholic therapist is what I would recommend. The kids won’t be in the same room when you and hubby are with the therapist. They won’t be ‘forced into knowledge’ but you might be surprised at how much they already know. Even 3 and 4 year olds can verbalize. And because they are so young, they can misinterpret things and suffer greatly.
God bless, and prayers for you and your dear family.
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BLB_Oregon
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You know, you’ve cooled down now, he’s cooled down. In spite of the red flag that there seemed to be some slight doubt about whether throwing remote controls was OK, you aren’t defending any of this. He’s not defending it. You’d do better to drop the concern with who is more wrong, but nobody is saying they’re innocent here. That is very good.
Trying sitting down with DH and talking about this. If there is still a doubt about whether the throwing stuff was OK, that is one thing. If you try repeatedly and come away with one or both of you feeling you’re being bulldozed, that is another. But otherwise…you know, couples do things like this sometimes, which is to say sometimes couples both have a bad night at the same time.
If you talk it over and let each other know what it really was that set each other off and stop guessing about where the anger and frustration is coming from, with the problem not becoming a recurring theme, then chalk it up to a rough patch that you weathered together.
Forgiveness is paramount, but you get extra credit for having a sense of humor about the brat part. You’re hearing it from the sandbox. Just because we sit in a different corner doesn’t mean that we’re not in the same kitty litter once awhile.
Now, you go tell your best friend how much he means to you, and no more of that nonsense.
Trying sitting down with DH and talking about this. If there is still a doubt about whether the throwing stuff was OK, that is one thing. If you try repeatedly and come away with one or both of you feeling you’re being bulldozed, that is another. But otherwise…you know, couples do things like this sometimes, which is to say sometimes couples both have a bad night at the same time.
If you talk it over and let each other know what it really was that set each other off and stop guessing about where the anger and frustration is coming from, with the problem not becoming a recurring theme, then chalk it up to a rough patch that you weathered together.
Forgiveness is paramount, but you get extra credit for having a sense of humor about the brat part. You’re hearing it from the sandbox. Just because we sit in a different corner doesn’t mean that we’re not in the same kitty litter once awhile.
Now, you go tell your best friend how much he means to you, and no more of that nonsense.
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whatevergirl
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I’d make up with him. I would definitely discuss with each other that you both were out of hand, and to AGREE that it won’t happen again. I think his reaction to slap your back, was more of a knee-jerk reaction–not necessarily that he is morphing into an abuser. I was in an abusive relationship, and usually it’s more calculated (the abuser’s actions) I think this was mainly a knee-jerk reaction, and you were both in the wrong. You wouldn’t want him to toss a remote at your head, so you both learned something. I’d make up…and really admit that you were wrong, too. I have had these ‘grabbing matches’ with my husband for the remote, and it’s like…he thinks he should always have sports on 24/7. I mean, sports are on right now,and he’s not even in the room. Is it comforting to hear a sports announcer’s voice echoing throughout the house or something? Maybe we should buy microphones, and shout…‘HE SCORED!’ They might like that.Kids didn’t see it. I would NEVER do something like that in front of the kids. They were sleeping. I’m not justifying it, believe me. I know it was wrong. I don’t feel bad about it though, even though I know I should. My only regret this morning was that I didn’t throw it harder.
Good luck with your situation…it’ll work out, but admitting we are wrong, isn’t always easy…but it’s the alternative to harbored resentment.
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ReginaNova
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Based on some of your more recent replies, I understand it is better to ignore the title of the thread and not answer its questions. (I am a big believer that if you don’t want to hear the answer, then don’t ask the question–or, to put it another way, don’t ask the question if you don’t want to hear the answer.)
In any case, I was struck–er, sorry for the pun–by the lack of respect between the two of you. Grabbing the remote, throwing things, not apologizing, taunting each other. Certainly, counseling would be an answer. But the first step, it seems to me, would be that the two of you should honestly acknowledge that you have fallen into some very bad habits in your relationship with each other. These behaviors are not loving, kind, compassionate, or considerate.
As the parents of four children (God bless you), you MUST work on your relationship because that is what your children are observing and will adopt as their behaviors. And so the cycle repeats itself into the next generation. I suspect you and your husband saw similar behavior modeled by your parents. Someone needs to stop it, and it should be you. Please work on it–for your children. God bless you.
In any case, I was struck–er, sorry for the pun–by the lack of respect between the two of you. Grabbing the remote, throwing things, not apologizing, taunting each other. Certainly, counseling would be an answer. But the first step, it seems to me, would be that the two of you should honestly acknowledge that you have fallen into some very bad habits in your relationship with each other. These behaviors are not loving, kind, compassionate, or considerate.
As the parents of four children (God bless you), you MUST work on your relationship because that is what your children are observing and will adopt as their behaviors. And so the cycle repeats itself into the next generation. I suspect you and your husband saw similar behavior modeled by your parents. Someone needs to stop it, and it should be you. Please work on it–for your children. God bless you.
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Katie1723
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You shouldn’t do something like that anyway! My EX tried to shove me down a flight of steps. Next day I got a PFA order and he was out of the house. Case closed.Kids didn’t see it. I would NEVER do something like that in front of the kids. They were sleeping. I’m not justifying it, believe me. I know it was wrong. I don’t feel bad about it though, even though I know I should. My only regret this morning was that I didn’t throw it harder.
Kathy
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Lone_Catholic
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I had no problem with anyone answering the questions. That is why I asked them. I had a problem with the TONE of some posters, as in I am some horrible wench. That is all I was addressing there. As in “LADY, I cut you no slack” sort of post.
What I wanted to find out was if there are happy normal couples out there who have done something they regret and made it through, with or without counseling. I was trying to discern if this was the sign of something really wrong, and should we get counseling, or if it is just isolated incident of two people not acting their best and something that could be worked through between the 2 of us (and everyone on Catholic Answers, LOL!).
I wasn’t trying to get an attitude with anyone. I’m thankful for the feedback, but more thankful for the people who were a little more… um… gracious.
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whatevergirl
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I think that it’s not necessarily indicative of one’s marriage when things like this happen either. I mean, you can be in a happy marriage, and maybe someone had a terrible day…or got some horrific news, and one or both people flip and maybe say something they shouldn’t…or throw a remote, when they shouldn’t. Here’s the thing–if it continues, and if this is not the norm of your household, then having a good, heart to heart chat with your husband, should resolve the ‘tension.’ If it continues, then, that’s a different ballgame. Hopefully, we won’t see you posting the same topic again…lol
I don’t think you’re a horrible person at all…you both just got…a little nutso, and now, hopefully…it’s resolved. And, remember…there’s nothing on tv worth fighting over! That’s for sure!
Just a little levity
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ReginaNova
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Are you focusing on the perceived tone of some of the responses and ignoring the rest of the message?
Besides, are you only going to change if something is “really wrong”? You really ought to consider changing–counseling, Marriage Encounter, or some other intervention–to make things better NOT just because there is “something really wrong” (as you say).
Furthermore, I think you are rationalizing. What you described is legally physical abuse and assault–and yes, it could get you arrested if your husband chose to file charges. Your attitude in this thread reminds me of someone I know who doesn’t think she is an alcoholic–even though she was charged with DWI and the state children’s agency has opened a case on her. I am not going to tell you that you need counseling. That’s your decision. But stop rationalizing and looking for other people having the same situation to make yourself feel “normal”. Just because there are a lot of “problem drinkers” who may not be alcoholic, doesn’t mean that they are normal or that something is not “really wrong”.
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deb1
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I don’t think that any one was rude to you. It is a sensitive subject though and it would be easy to get hurt. Talk to a priest at least and take his advice.
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whatevergirl
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This is why I hesitate to bring up marital disputes here…it’s just a touchy subject, and sometimes, we just get our feelings hurt, or want others to choose sides, and when they don’t…it can just lead down a path unintended. But, I don’t take anything that happened in this situation lightly, but I think we should be charitable in our replies. (and reasonable)
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rayne89
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I realize you are feeling pretty beat up on (no pun intended). I’m not so sure it’s about being self righteous as it is being a little shocked by such a drastic response for what seems like a rather small disagreement.
I’m sure we’ve all behaved rather stupidly at one point or another in our marriage. I think a marriage encounter weekend would be good for you both to improve communication and lessen the frustration that seems to be going on.
I’m sure we’ve all behaved rather stupidly at one point or another in our marriage. I think a marriage encounter weekend would be good for you both to improve communication and lessen the frustration that seems to be going on.
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whatevergirl
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Early on in my marriage, I removed my wedding ring, and threw it at my hubby…and he’s never forgotten it. Forgiven it, but every now and then, he brings it up…joking, but is he joking?
So…since then, never threw anything at him again! My ring itself didn’t hurt, but what it represented in my tantrum, did.
Ok…I was young back then!
So…since then, never threw anything at him again! My ring itself didn’t hurt, but what it represented in my tantrum, did.Ok…I was young back then!
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Prayer_Warrior
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To answer you first questions. Yes, my spouse has hit me, choked me, slammed me up against a door, bit me, shoved me across the room and…well, you get the point. I have hit back in self-defense only.
You are no where near this level of disfunction, obviously, and it is a good thing your husband was willing to apologize. There seems to be at least a little bit of aggression lurking in your mind and counseling might help you work it out. Is there something else eating at you? From what you said, it seemed like kind of a strong reaction in relation to what he did. Granted, he was no gentleman grabbing the remote away like it was the most important thing in the world, but throwing it at him seemed a little in excess. Furthermore, refusing to accept his apology and discuss the incident is not a good thing–a counselor might help you a bit on that too. Obviously, lots of us don’t want to talk about a fight when we are still mad, but there is a need to hash this out-- either with a counselor or without one.
Don’t worry, with all I have been through, what you did sounds minor to me. No judging coming from me.
You are no where near this level of disfunction, obviously, and it is a good thing your husband was willing to apologize. There seems to be at least a little bit of aggression lurking in your mind and counseling might help you work it out. Is there something else eating at you? From what you said, it seemed like kind of a strong reaction in relation to what he did. Granted, he was no gentleman grabbing the remote away like it was the most important thing in the world, but throwing it at him seemed a little in excess. Furthermore, refusing to accept his apology and discuss the incident is not a good thing–a counselor might help you a bit on that too. Obviously, lots of us don’t want to talk about a fight when we are still mad, but there is a need to hash this out-- either with a counselor or without one.
Don’t worry, with all I have been through, what you did sounds minor to me.
No judging coming from me.
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Lone_Catholic
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I’m not rationalizing anything!! I only told other parts to the story as to give some sort of background, and try to show other things that might be going on. Otherwise my post would have been “I threw a remote at my husband.” I never said what I did was OK-- I said I knew it was wrong, and I also said I apologized, as has my husband! We’ve made up! OK??
And as far as not taking care of the marriage unless things were “really wrong”… whose marriage is perfect? I guess everyone here should be in counseling then, right? We actually have been to counseling before, and we’ve been to marriage conferences… we want to work on our marriage! I was just trying to figure out if what happened last night spiraled us down to where we have been in the past, or was it just a simple lapse. This is what I believe it was.
I have gotten everyone’s messages and have expressed appreciation for them. I’m not “focusing on the tone”-- I mentioned the tone. Does someone feel like my mentioning the tone is hitting a little close to home??
Please guys… a little charity, please!! In fact, can we be done? I am starting to feel a bit hurt by some of you.
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dulcissima
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Yes, I seriously think you need marriage counseling, and definitely from a counselor who has a good background in domestic violence. To be honest, I’ve already been worrying about you, and praying for you, for a while now based on your other posts. Your husband’s behavior and attitude toward you in the past were very abusive. It’s just never been physical before. Definitely do not hit him or throw things at him. It will just cause your situation to deteriorate and could make him feel justified in getting physically violent with you. It is NEVER okay for a man to hit a woman, ever. Since you know that your husband is never supposed to hit you, it would be really unfair for you to ever hit him, don’t you think?
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