R
Rau
Guest
Ok, in which case women should be fertile all the time (except when pregnant and beyond
the age limit).
You should let God know your thoughts on this. Actually, I guess he already knows!
- Status
the age limit).
You should let God know your thoughts on this. Actually, I guess he already knows!
R
Rau
Guest
What are you doing about it?
R
Rau
Guest
Do you socialize? Get out with people? Seek and build friendships? With an eye to potential romance and marriage?
This is where my problem is. I pretty much don’t do any of this. I don’t really have any friends, male or female and don’t really have a viable way to meet people. My personal interests are hobbies are so off kilter that it’s really hard to meet people, especially women. Do to my Aspergers and financial situation, I honestly don’t see myself ever dating anyone let alone get married. With that in mind a high sex drive is a terrible thing to have and I absolutely hate it. If it was permissible to get myself castrated, I’d probably do it.
It’s hard to know if my confessions are even valid because as I’m making the confession, I know I’m going to fail again and no matter how much I pray about it, it doesn’t help.
M
Mark86
Guest
I totally agree with you.
I’ve been around the board for about two years now and I’ve seen this come up time and time again, and in my experience I’ve never seen it rectified. I’ve seen people struggling in isolation and loneliness for YEARS, but I’ve yet to see them actually “meet” one another. I think it’s such a common problem that many Catholic young adults, loyal to their faith, struggle with. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read a post and I’ve sat there shaking my head in utter agreement, as if millions of others were living my life.
Let’s face it. For singles, life in Catholicism is not easy. The Church pays very little attention to us, and sometimes doesn’t even seem to acknowledge that we exist. There’s a “marriage-club” mentality that excludes us from many outings where “couples” tend to congregate. Pastors may even give priority in their time to “couples” over singles. At the same time, it’s not as easy these days to “meet someone” as it once was. Many Catholic singles are alone for a couple of reasons… emotional/psychological problems, financial problems, and a simple lack of resources. We’re faithful and we go to Mass, sometimes during the week. We go to adoration. We pray the hours. We read scripture. Sometimes it seems like we do everything the Church tells us we should do, and yet we still just “float” through. There could be other Catholic singles in my parish and yet I’ve never met them. I know a million of them “online,” but I don’t see them anywhere in daily life. Where are all the singles? I’d like to get to know you… where are you?
And yes, we look in our dioceses, there’s nothing for single Catholics. All the programs, all the resources, all the retreats…etc. are for “couples” or “teenagers.” This can’t be an uncommon phenomenon. I know that programs for single Catholics exist… but you might find the closest one some 150 miles away in some other state. You know there’s “conventions” and such for young adult Catholics, but do you really want to fly off to Lisbon for a one-shot event? …etc. There’s really nothing else at the most basic, daily level.
Sexuality is such a driving force in our lives. The Church knows this and teaches this. It’s very important. Chastity is SO important to maintain, but you can only do it when you’ve fully integrated sexuality into your life. You can’t fully integrate that part of you that LONGS for “other-ness” until you’ve met “others.” You can’t meet others unless you have the opportunity to greet and introduce yourself.
Why can’t parishes have more “singles nights” for example? In a culture that is so promiscuous and wreaks havoc on all our minds, especially Catholic young adults, it should behoove the Church to set a good example… let’s have a place in our dioceses where Catholic singles can “meet and greet” and socialize for a change. Let’s show the world how dating SHOULD be done in an age where it’s fallen so far into promiscuity that “dating” no longer even seems relevant. The problem is, without such a thing, on a routine basis, the temptation to fall out of chastity only increases because the healthy opportunity for us just isn’t there.
Marriage is great. It’d be nice to know someone else who is also single and Catholic so that I could get married. Where are you? I don’t see you.
B
bobballen_18
Guest
If you think parishes need more “singles nights”, then why don’t you suggest it to your parish and to surrounding parishes, and be active in getting it going?
Anyway, regarding this whole sexual desire thing, I don’t have anything deeply theological to say or from which to quote, but here’s an idea:
You also mentioned being lonely. I can understand that you might want people to “hang out” with - but I would venture to guess that even if you only served others more, your loneliness would decrease, if not totally disappear. I can speak from experience when I say that serving others is a truly fulfilling experience. It may not solve all of your loneliness problems, but I firmly believe it would help. In any case, it would at least get you interacting with people more.
Anyway, regarding this whole sexual desire thing, I don’t have anything deeply theological to say or from which to quote, but here’s an idea:
- The marital embrace, properly performed, is a total gift of oneself to one’s spouse. OK, and 2) one can only be truly happy on this Earth by giving of oneself to others (and following God’s commandments and loving Him). So, let’s combine these two statements. No, not to say that the only way to truly give of oneself is to have sex with your spouse - that is just one way we as humans can begin to imitate how God gives completely of Himself to us. What I mean to suggest is, sexual desire would seem to be something which reflects our desire to give of ourselves totally to another, and so whenever we experience sexual desire, perhaps one way to counter it is to think of this reality - we were made to serve others!
You also mentioned being lonely. I can understand that you might want people to “hang out” with - but I would venture to guess that even if you only served others more, your loneliness would decrease, if not totally disappear. I can speak from experience when I say that serving others is a truly fulfilling experience. It may not solve all of your loneliness problems, but I firmly believe it would help. In any case, it would at least get you interacting with people more.
M
Mark86
Guest
I appreciate the advice but you don’t understand what I do for a living. I work 8 hours a day with mostly elderly severely and profoundly mentally challenged individuals. I’ve done that kind of “grunt work” for over five years, getting hit, spit on, scratched, bruised…etc. I’ve been on clients’ death beds. I’ve sat with them in the hospital when they were sick all night long. I’ve sacrificed years of my life, holidays, family gatherings, almost every afternoon and evening I’ve had for the past five years to go off to work with these people… carrying out their activities of daily living, showering, feeding, changing, toileting, cleaning them, tucking them into bed at night, dealing with their mood swings, comforting, being patient with them, taking them for walks, taking them for trips, making sure they get their treatments…etc. I’ve gone to work with these people in hazardous situations like extreme blizzards and hurricanes. I’ve ignored personal illness, injury, and ailment on many occasion in order to make sure I was there to tend to their needs. I have given to the point of losing my own happiness and motivation in life. This is all a blessing. The problem is, I come home from this important work, God’s work really, and I sit in my room all night long tired and lonely at the end of it and needing release, needing others to be there for “me.” …something I don’t have.
All I’m saying is, I’m a person too. I am all for serving others, but sometimes I need help too.
The fact is, I give all my time up for these “others” already, to the point where nobody can love me in return. This has been the story of the last five years of my life. I’ve never had a date. I’ve never had a love interest. I’ve never had anything of my own. I literally HAVE given it all away… and yet I don’t feel like Christ said I should. I don’t feel happy. I just feel more depressed and in need of “quick releases.”
R
Rau
Guest
I note you’ve not answered…
I’ve also taken a look at some of your other threads - they proceed along broadly similar lines:
- you describe yourself as a sexual addict;
- you experience a kind of panic attack, for which masturbation was your treatment of choice;
- you experience various “sexual disorders that prevent [you] from practicing sexuality in a non-sinful way”,
- you refer to a bizarre fetishism, and also heterosexual & homosexual desires and paedophilia.
- various posts suggest you are unable to go 1 week without masturbating though an older one said you had gone much longer after joining the Church;
- you become intensely upset and depressed after lapsing into inappropriate behaviour;
- you participate in some sort of “online recovery program”
- you have no friends and admit you have no idea how to address this;
- you’ve asked God to make you attracted to women;
- you have never been out with a girl.
- these issues have beset you for more than 10 years
IMHO, you require more professional assistance than is available here, or from your Priest. I believe you should be seeking medical (name removed by moderator)ut, be that from a psychologist or a psychiatrist. In appropriate circumstances, Fetishism is considered to be a mental disorder. You are going to have to make some initial enquiries to determine the appropriate professional to see - an approach might be to see your doctor and disclose to him the full details of your sexual fantasies, fetishes and compulsions and the distress it causes you and the destructive effect on you life, all with a view to him referring you to the relevant specialist.
During confession - have you disclosed the facts concerning your fetishes etc? If you have, I might have expected the priest to encourage you toward sources of medical treatments. If you have simply confessed masturbation, I can imagine the priest might not have recognised the deeper issues.
M
multitude
Guest
Maybe you should give some time to yourself instead, perhaps. God’s burden is supposed to be light, after all. Anyways, I read that foods like soy, liquorice, mint, help lower libido. Here’s the link to it. I find that a renewed faith in our Blessed Mother and thinking of Her, tends to kill it, personally.
I’m reading about monk’s pepper. I may give it a try myself, but there doesn’t seem to be much evidence that it works.
If I may, I find that interpretation to be Protestanticized BS. Marriage is supposed to be a vocation not to be taken lightly, it’s not meant to be merely some sort of outlet for sexual desire.Doesn’t it say in the bible that it is better for a man to be single, BUT if his desires are too great he should be married?
M
Mark86
Guest
To answer then, no, I don’t. I never have.
How is that even done? I’ve never done it before. And I don’t have a doctor. I suffer with high social anxiety so I dread the idea of going to talk to some stranger about personal issues. It’s the worst thing in the world to me, so that’s why I haven’t done it yet.
Every time I go I lead in with “I suffer with sexual addiction” …to let the priest know. I also mention “lust and fetishism” usually side by side, also so the priest can know what’s at stake. And many times they’ve told me to seek therapeutic sources. They are all wonderful human beings.
My problem is I don’t feel motivated to do anything for “myself.” I guess I just don’t feel like I’m worth it. I guess I just don’t feel loved. It’s one thing to be told how “loved” you are, it’s another thing to feel it. I don’t feel it. Like going to confession, we need to hear the words “I absolve you” with our ears sometimes in order to believe we’re absolved, we also need to HEAR “I love you” with our ears sometimes in order to believe we’re lovable.
I know it’s “supposed” to be light, but right now for me it isn’t.
R
Rau
Guest
In light of your responses, I am at a loss to see how I/we can help you, or how you will go about helping yourself.
One final remark: you don’t need to already have a doctor. You just need to make an appointment - if you are unable to pick one, ask your priest for a name. Any competent general practitioner (doctor) should be able to refer you to a specialist if you have the courage to disclose the facts to him. Write them all down on a sheet of paper if that helps.
R
Rau
Guest
That may depend on the medical system in your country.
I note the term therapist is terribly general and a person able to go by the title “therapist” may not be what you require. You require a person with expertise in the condition you experience, able to prescribe the appropriate kinds of medicines as well as deliver other relevant therapy.
T
therese14
Guest
I think either chaste marriage or celibacy is the answer. You should read the lives and writings of the saints to see how they practice chastity.
M
Mark86
Guest
Yes, St. Francis of Assisi rolled around in thorn bushes naked to stave off the desires of the flesh.
M
Mark86
Guest
Lately I’ve been feeling miserable when I see people that my eye finds attractive for any reason (not even talking about lust), but it’s different from the kind I used to feel. When my eye used to fall upon people I found to be beautiful and attractive, I used to feel a sense of sadness like “God is keeping me from that,” but lately it’s been more like “I don’t want to see the beauty in that anymore, because God is greater.”
Today in Church my eye saw at least one certain individual that I found attractive and this sense of very profound sadness came over me and I thought to myself “No! That’s not what I came here for!” It’s no longer merely about “I want that but God is keeping it from me” as much as it’s simply about “I don’t want that because it’s not God.” And I was actually in tears during Mass because I felt like I couldn’t be with God if that was going to loom so large in my mind. I just wanted it to go away. I took Communion in a great deal of sadness and felt no joy afterward. In fact, in doing the Holy Stairs devotion afterward in penance I broke down in tears.
When I was driving back, I saw a few more individuals I found to be beautiful out walking, enjoying this bright sunny day, and I just felt the same “NO!” in my mind. In fact, I said it out loud a few times. I’m not even talking about a sexual kind of attraction or lust… I know what that feeling is. This is deeper. I feel non-sexual attraction to people and see them as beautiful creatures and I just hear this very deafening “NO!” in my brain, like they’re going to spoil everything, like I won’t be able to give God my whole heart and mind with all these “creatures” out and about trying to steal away the spotlight.
And it just depresses me, because I just want to be with the Lord and I really just don’t care to be attracted toward his creatures anymore. In fact, what brings the most tears to my eyes is the thought that I ever was attracted to them.
I’ve just come in from laying in the backyard where I was weeping bitterly toward the clear blue sky over my great sorrow and shame, the adulteries in my heart, the thorn in my side, and how no amount of anything I do will ever get rid of it. I don’t want to hurt anyone ever again. I don’t want to devalue anyone ever again. I’m sorry to the depths of my being. I want to be healed. I want to love like Christ loved.
Today in Church my eye saw at least one certain individual that I found attractive and this sense of very profound sadness came over me and I thought to myself “No! That’s not what I came here for!” It’s no longer merely about “I want that but God is keeping it from me” as much as it’s simply about “I don’t want that because it’s not God.” And I was actually in tears during Mass because I felt like I couldn’t be with God if that was going to loom so large in my mind. I just wanted it to go away. I took Communion in a great deal of sadness and felt no joy afterward. In fact, in doing the Holy Stairs devotion afterward in penance I broke down in tears.
When I was driving back, I saw a few more individuals I found to be beautiful out walking, enjoying this bright sunny day, and I just felt the same “NO!” in my mind. In fact, I said it out loud a few times. I’m not even talking about a sexual kind of attraction or lust… I know what that feeling is. This is deeper. I feel non-sexual attraction to people and see them as beautiful creatures and I just hear this very deafening “NO!” in my brain, like they’re going to spoil everything, like I won’t be able to give God my whole heart and mind with all these “creatures” out and about trying to steal away the spotlight.
And it just depresses me, because I just want to be with the Lord and I really just don’t care to be attracted toward his creatures anymore. In fact, what brings the most tears to my eyes is the thought that I ever was attracted to them.
I’ve just come in from laying in the backyard where I was weeping bitterly toward the clear blue sky over my great sorrow and shame, the adulteries in my heart, the thorn in my side, and how no amount of anything I do will ever get rid of it. I don’t want to hurt anyone ever again. I don’t want to devalue anyone ever again. I’m sorry to the depths of my being. I want to be healed. I want to love like Christ loved.
R
Rau
Guest
Mark, please see Post #74, #77. Are you willing to commit to take the steps set out there to help yourself?
B
Burdock
Guest
Please seek professional help. There are people who can help you .
- Status