Have you ever had to deal with Grandparents playing favorites?

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princz23

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I have an unusual situation. I was married before. I won’t go in to details, but let’s just say I had left the Church and God has forgiven me and I am back home where I belong. I did a lot of awful things, but my daughter was not one of them. She was 8 months old when we split, 15 months when the divorce was final and 16 when I met my current husband who she calls Dad. She changed my life in a wonderful way, but unfortunately, it was not so for her father.

When my four year old was born, we grew very close to my ex-in-laws who have always been a part of my daughters life. At that point they began to call me their daughter and my husband their son-in-law and all of my children their grandchildren. They have always bought alot for Rachel, even when I encouraged them not too. They began buying for the boys too and since Sandy loves to shop, I am sure it was a financial strain.

The boys learned about six months ago about my former marriage. You see, we never had to explain because he never comes around. He is $25,000 behind on child support and only sees her (she’s almost 10 now) when his parents meet him with her somewhere for lunch 1-2 times a month maximum. Anyway, the twins (now 7) have always just called his parents “Grammy and Grandpa” and that was that. Well, recently the grandparents have become more distant. My husband wants to adopt her (he always has) and when I mentioned this to my ex last year, he said his parents would sell everything before they let that happen. We haven’t spoken of it to them, but he may have.

Today Sandy wanted to pick up Rachel and have her spend the night and buy her school shoes. I asked her if she was planning to buy the boys shoes because they need them too. She has bought them shoes the last two years and one year just showed up with them at the last minute after we had already bought shoes. I told her I wasn’t asking her to, just if she was. She ignored me, laughed and said, “so can Rachel spend the night?”. I was shocked and said I guessed so. After speaking to my husband we decided to call her back and tell her we would buy all their shoes so as not to make a difference. The boys ask alot of questions and feel hurt when they buy and buy for Rachel, plus we have had problems with Rachel becoming too materialistic and not valuing what she does have or the non-material things in life. To make an already long story very short, she was so mad that she said she loved Rachel more and from now on she would just pick her up every two weeks and to have her waiting at the door.

I was so upset by this, but I am sticking to my guns. We went through this with my Dad wanting to favor her, the 1st born and Brent’s Mom favoring my nephew and did not see either of them for 18 months.

Has anyone else dealt with this sort of thing? What are your opinions? I know it is an opinion and there is not right or wrong answer, or so I think.
 
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princz23:
To make an already long story very short, she was so mad that she said she loved Rachel more and from now on she would just pick her up every two weeks and to have her waiting at the door.
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  1. Speaking to you that way is unacceptable.
  2. Speaking that way ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN is unacceptable.
  3. Dictating to you when she will or will not see YOUR CHILD is OUTRAGEOUS.
This woman, grandmother or not, needs a reality check. Do not hesitate to keep your daughter away from someone who not only doesn’t respect your wishes, but actually admits to favoring her over her younger brothers. She has also completely overstepped her boundaries by insinuating it is up to HER when YOUR CHILD visits. If she is going to play favorites, then she is walking a fine line and (IMHO) should ultimately have to forfeit a relationship for the time being, with all of the children, due to her behavior. Children are not equipped to deal with adult issues, and your seven-year-old twins certainly do not have the emotional maturity to deal with a bitter old woman’s favoritism toward their older sister. WORSE, it could damage the relationship between your boys and your daughter. This sort of thing is extremely dangerous. I am extremely close to my siblings and I truly believe it was because my parents fostered the concept of loyalty and love from day one. Favoritism creates a mindset of “good/bad” and unnecessary competition. It might also lead to your daughter feeling guilty, your twins feeling inadequate…so many bad things.

Furthermore, has your ex signed away his parental rights? Because if he has, it is not up to him whether or not your current husband adopts Rachel, and it is CERTAINLY not up to your ex-in-law! Erase even her opinion from your mind. It is not worth thinking about.

My prayers are with you! Be strong!
 
Is there court ordered visitation for the “grandparents”? If not, then I would not have them in my childrens’ lives anymore.

What they are doing is causing harm to all of your children and should not be acceptable to you. You sound like a very caring and wonderful mom, so don’t second guess yourself or your judgements of this type of behavior.

If your ex has not signed away his parental rights, go after him to do so… and go after him for that back child support to. That is rightfully your daughter’s money and could go quite a ways to put her through college or something.

But I suspect what will happen is that you and he will come to an agreement that he will sign over parental rights IF you forgive his debt. I would take that deal any day to legalize the role your husband is taking in your daughter’s life. He IS dad, and it would be wonderful for your daughter if he became that legally too.

Malia
 
Hi Jennifer, It’s a tough situation, although I suspect they love your daughter very much, they are using her feelings as a pawn in their game. Also to all of a sudden to ignore the twins is not right. Talk about confusing little children. Too many parents and grandparents “play” mind games when they don’t get their way. If possible, have a meeting alone with your ex-in-laws. Leave the children with a trusted friend or family member. (In case their is any harsh words children should not hear this). Lay everything on the table now. Explain this is what we want, if they don’t wish to compromise, you will have to suspenend the visits. But don’t come on too strong either because this will put them on the defense and you will get nowhere. My sweet grandma use to say “you get more flies with honey then with vinegar” and she was right. Best of luck to you and keep us posted. God Bless you…Kay:)
 
Years after my grandmother died, my mother told me that I was her favorite. It was because of my disability, but I felt uncomfortable because my other two brothers wesn’t seen the same way in her eyes.

Of the grandkids have something special about them, maybe the grandpartents can focus on that for eavh child and then each child will be special in different ways in the grandparents’ eyes.
 
Thank you for all of the thoughtful respones.

No, the “grandparents” do not have legal visitation, we have just always had the every othe weekend arrangement. We go to Saturday vigil Mass on the weekends she visits them. It is usually 20 hours total she is with them.

As for my ex, no, his rights were never terminated, but he signed for me to have sole custody with visitation to be determined by me.

We have decided to go after him for back support and will be more than willing to drop the debt if he signs the voluntary termination. However, what I forsee happening is his parents will get involved and try to pay his back support to prevent this. We have considered that if they do this, we could take the money to hire an attorney to fight for adoption. What do yo think?

It’s hard because I care about these people and even though I knew they had this potential to act this way, I hoped I could pray them to the Catholic church before this sort of thing happened. They had not been to church in years and have been going to a large non-denominational church for about two years. Sandy was raised Baptist and I feel she harbors a lot of misbeliefs about our faith. I have tried ways to enlighten her, but she does not want to be enlightened.
 
Let me take a moment to try to look through the grandparent’s eyes…

Son has a baby with his wife – there is the divorce. Mom goes on and eventually meets/marries someone else. Grandparents see that she is a good mom, and want a relationship with their grandchild, and see no reason not to remain close with Mom and new hubby. They may see that they are also the sole link between their son and his daughter.

Part of being part of their grandaughter’s life is to accept the grandaughter’s half-brothers and show them affection as well. From their point of view, life is the best they can make it.

Suddenly, they hear from their son that grandaughter’s step-father and mom are plotting to have him relinquish parental rights so granddaughter can be adopted. In their mind, this could mean the end of their relationship with the granddaughter. Son may have even told them this… so, they now see you and your husband as the enemy, trying to take their granddaughter away. When it comes down to this kind of situation, blood IS thicker than water, and they feel allegiance to their son and granddaughter first.

I could be way wrong on this, but, if you sit down with former mother-in-law and explain that you have no desire to end the relationship with the granddaughter, that you are not plotting behind her back, etc. it could ease the tension.

Your daughter is 16, and the way it sounds, you could have a legal battle over the adoption that would last until she is of majority age. When she is an adult, she should be able to choose to be formally adopted by your husband herself… Your husband loves your daughter, and that love is shown by wanting her to be happy. If it were me, I would NOT ask the biological father to sign away his rights if you waive the back child support. At some time, your daughter will be made aware of this and could feel that her birth father put a price on her – maybe look for a good councilor before you make this type of settlement.

Praying for all of you!
 
Jennifer–As bad as this situation is now, it could get a lot worse. Sandy is your daughter’s grandmother but not the grandmother to your other children. That is the situation. As awkward as it may be to explain it to your other children, you really need to. You need to find it in your heart to let Sandy have a relationship with her granddaughter and accept that she loves only your daughter. You have been lucky not to have this unpleasantness before. What you are describing is all too common in situations of divorce with children. But you have to be careful not to rupture relationships between your daughter and her father’s family. And that means swallowing hard and being very careful in your dealings with Sandy. Just remember it could get a lot worse, a lot uglier, and a lot more expensive (for legal fees). Cordial relations is a small price to pay to avoid escalating the anger.
 
Thank you for your response. The funny thing about blood being thicker than water, is that it shouldn’t be. Right is right and wrong is wrong. We have never tried to keep them away from their granddaughter and I even call them “Mom and Dad”. What happened to accountability on his part? He is not a Dad, he is simply the father. If they were worried about something, they should have talked to us about it. My daughter will be 10 in September, not 16 and she desperately wants my husband to adopt her. She is afraid to tell her grandparents this because she knows how they will react. They have always tried to push her father on her and make excuses for him. She is old enough now that she sees through this. He has never attended anything in her life. No ballgames, no Sacraments, no dance recitals, nothing. He lives 45 minutes away. He never calls her, ever. He has only picked her up two times for a visit and the last time she was four. We have encouraged him to do so many times.

If indeed you are right and his parents were faking their love for us, that saddens me greatly. If blood were thicker than water, my husband could not love her the way he does. You see, they share a common bond. His father signed away parental rights when he was 5 and his Mom’s husband adopted him. He was sometimes made to feel different, however, and this is something he has vowed to never have her feel.
 
How do you explain to children who for seven and four years have loved people with all of their heart that those people no longer love them? This I cannot accept. An adult does not have the right to play with a child’s affection that way.

Remember, this is all over the Grandparents right to buy their granddaughter anything and everything that they want and to expect it to be okay for her to bring it home.

All I asked was that if they all have a need, to allow us to buy for them. I also asked a long time ago for her to quit buying so much for all the children. She responded by buying less clothes, but the same amount of toys. I am sorry, but you cannot buy a child’s love. My ex-husband is an only child and was given everything he ever wanted. At 36, they still do this and he has never been responsible. I am trying to teach my children to value faith, family and values, not “stuff”. How can I do this properly if my daughter is dragging more and more “stuff” in, in front of her three brothers every other weekend. She doesn’t take care of the “stuff” she has. Frankly, she is probably overwhelmed by the amount of “stuff”, I would be.

The boys being typical kids, still like “stuff” and want to know why she is always getting so much and the grandparents that they love and they believe love them are buying it for her and not them. My boys love to get new shoes and clothes. They do not act like this is a disappointment to them. If you give them toys at the same time, of course, they will like those better.

I am grateful for the wonderful years with these people, but I am very disillusioned. They have been wonderful to my entire family and my children have wanted for nothing, but do my husband and I not have the right to tell any of the grandparents that to show favoritism is harmful to our children?
 
You absolutely have the right to draw the line and not expose your children to this kind of emotional abuse that also undermine’s your parental authority. (Meaning the material possessions that they force upon Rachel but keep from the twins, despite the boundary you have drawn.)

What if you were only able to have Rachel, and adopted your twins and four year old? Would your ex-law still be claiming to only love Rachel? I don’t care WHAT her reasoning is, biological or not, she simply does not have the right to arbitrarily decide to show love to only one child when there are several more who are used to receiving love and affection and attention, too.

Honestly, it sounds like perhaps Sandy has been given too much power in this relationship. She dictates to you how she will spend her money on the children, which child will receive material things and attention/affection/love, and which child will visit and how often. It also appears that you’re worried about angering her in case a custody battle is about to happen. Please don’t be afraid of her, and please don’t let her use her money as a weapon against the peace of your family.

Rachel is already dealing with emotional neglect from her biological father. Thankfully, it sounds like she is emotionally fed by her stepfather. However, she certainly does not need to deal with a grandmother who pits her against her mother and brothers and stepfather. AND, it is not her responsibility to discuss nor seek the approval of Sandy regarding whether or not Brent adopts her.

I think I would stop involving Sandy in my life and in Rachel’s life for the time being. You have some custody issues to work out first, and you don’t need Sandy’s involvement confusing the important focus, nor creating emotional havoc in your life or Rachel’s life, OR those precious little boys who simply won’t and don’t understand what has happened.

As for using the $25,000 for lawyer fees and to go after the adoption, please discuss this with a lawyer. My initial reaction is that the money will still technically come from your ex, as his parents will have to give the money to him in order to pay you, and the debt he owes will be to them. However, Sandy will have the idea that she has sufficiently “bought” you and will expect all of you to fall in line and do her bidding. This, of course, is ridiculous and I urge you to simply carefully discuss this with your lawyer. Grandparents do end up having rights in court, and it is based on past interaction with the child. However, it will need to be made clear that she has crossed the line into emotional abuse and you fear for Rachel’s well-being, as well as that of your twins.

Please also keep in mind that as “great” as Sandy was these last few years, she is also the woman who raised the loser who can’t be bothered to cherish his precious flesh and blood. He didn’t just develop issues out of thin air, he clearly had some difficulties in his family of origin. Your ex has rejected Rachel, and his mother is busy rejecting Rachel’s siblings (and you, really). Perhaps Sandy played rejection games with your ex when he was younger, too. He learned that behavior from somewhere.

I only say this because people like Sandy are emotionally dangerous. I would keep my children away from her.
 
This is not about emotional abuse and it is not about grandparents playing favoritism. This is about grandparents doing for their grandchild and not equally for children that are not their grandchildren. Certainly, the grandmother’s behavior is not ideal. But the fact of the matter is that this situation is of your creation Jennifer–you divorced their son (for whatever reason), married again, and had more children. You seem to believe that you can dictate how everyone is supposed to behave toward each other. Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. I am sorry if that sounds harsh but it is meant as a “wake up call”–not everyone is going to see it the way you see it.

Even those of us who are not dealing with divorce and remarriage struggle with grandparent issues. My in-laws spoil their grandchildren by buying things that the kids don’t need. And I may perceive that they favor one set of grandchildren over another. But I have long since recognized that I can not change someone else’s behavior. So unless there is some immoral behavior (and there has never been), I have learned to shrug it off.

You can’t control others people’s behavior–indeed, the more you try, the more they will try to thwart you (which is probably what Sandy is doing.) Be careful not to make this situation worse by trying to control Sandy. This sounds like an explosive situation. You seem to be refusing to see it from your husband’s family perspective. Unfortunately, until you do, you will inadvertently keep aggravating the situation.
 
My daughter wants to be adopted. She wants her Mom and Dad to buy her the things she needs. She wants to feel like she is a part of our family not someone who Grammy and Grandpa provide for that simply lives with us. She was so thrilled yesterday when the whole family went to buy shoes, including her. Before, it would have been ridiculous for us to do so when she had 30 pairs they had already purchased for her. She is happy. She comes first. The boys don’t know anything yet. We will deal with that when the time comes. Thanks for your prayers.
 
Keep in mind that it is a possibility that the grandma could go to court and try to get visitation rights. I’ve heard of grandparents being awarded visitation, especially if they had a close relationship with the child. It may be a good idea to sit down with this woman and have a heart-to-heart, reassuring her that you don’t want to interfere with her relationship with your daughter, but that you just want things to be fair to the other kids. Hopefully that could clear up any misunderstandings that have caused her behavior. Try to keep the peace as much as possible, because things could get really ugly if it goes as far as Sandy going to court for visitation rights.

I would recommend informing Sandy and your daughter that in the future, excessive items that Sandy buys for her will promptly be donated to charity. Or that when new items come into the home, the items from last week get donated…and follow through with it. I know it sounds mean, but it’s YOUR house and you don’t want the clutter in your house! That is your right.
 
I would love to sit down with them both and have a civilized conversation. I am not convinced that can happen. I did not describe our entire phone conversation the other day. She escalated without any provocation. She started making ugly accusations. I know she has slapped her own mother in the past. She advised my daughter she should have hit a girl at Catholic summer camp who was mean to her. She is not rational. If she approaches me with an apology for the other day and is rational, by all means, I will talk to her. If not, we may end up in court over visitation. As long as she follows our rules, that is not necessary. We have never kept Rachel from them. We petitioned the court for a name change last week. The hearing is August 23rd.
 
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princz23:
I would love to sit down with them both and have a civilized conversation. I am not convinced that can happen. I did not describe our entire phone conversation the other day. She escalated without any provocation. She started making ugly accusations. I know she has slapped her own mother in the past. She advised my daughter she should have hit a girl at Catholic summer camp who was mean to her. She is not rational. If she approaches me with an apology for the other day and is rational, by all means, I will talk to her. If not, we may end up in court over visitation. As long as she follows our rules, that is not necessary. We have never kept Rachel from them. We petitioned the court for a name change last week. The hearing is August 23rd.
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I think you have completely the right attitude about this. Good for you, I know it must be difficult.
 
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Princess_Abby:
You absolutely have the right to draw the line and not expose your children to this kind of emotional abuse that also undermine’s your parental authority. (Meaning the material possessions that they force upon Rachel but keep from the twins, despite the boundary you have drawn.)

What if you were only able to have Rachel, and adopted your twins and four year old? Would your ex-law still be claiming to only love Rachel? I don’t care WHAT her reasoning is, biological or not, she simply does not have the right to arbitrarily decide to show love to only one child when there are several more who are used to receiving love and affection and attention, too.

Honestly, it sounds like perhaps Sandy has been given too much power in this relationship. She dictates to you how she will spend her money on the children, which child will receive material things and attention/affection/love, and which child will visit and how often. It also appears that you’re worried about angering her in case a custody battle is about to happen. Please don’t be afraid of her, and please don’t let her use her money as a weapon against the peace of your family.

Rachel is already dealing with emotional neglect from her biological father. Thankfully, it sounds like she is emotionally fed by her stepfather. However, she certainly does not need to deal with a grandmother who pits her against her mother and brothers and stepfather. AND, it is not her responsibility to discuss nor seek the approval of Sandy regarding whether or not Brent adopts her.

I think I would stop involving Sandy in my life and in Rachel’s life for the time being. You have some custody issues to work out first, and you don’t need Sandy’s involvement confusing the important focus, nor creating emotional havoc in your life or Rachel’s life, OR those precious little boys who simply won’t and don’t understand what has happened.

As for using the $25,000 for lawyer fees and to go after the adoption, please discuss this with a lawyer. My initial reaction is that the money will still technically come from your ex, as his parents will have to give the money to him in order to pay you, and the debt he owes will be to them. However, Sandy will have the idea that she has sufficiently “bought” you and will expect all of you to fall in line and do her bidding. This, of course, is ridiculous and I urge you to simply carefully discuss this with your lawyer. Grandparents do end up having rights in court, and it is based on past interaction with the child. However, it will need to be made clear that she has crossed the line into emotional abuse and you fear for Rachel’s well-being, as well as that of your twins.

Please also keep in mind that as “great” as Sandy was these last few years, she is also the woman who raised the loser who can’t be bothered to cherish his precious flesh and blood. He didn’t just develop issues out of thin air, he clearly had some difficulties in his family of origin. Your ex has rejected Rachel, and his mother is busy rejecting Rachel’s siblings (and you, really). Perhaps Sandy played rejection games with your ex when he was younger, too. He learned that behavior from somewhere.

I only say this because people like Sandy are emotionally dangerous. I would keep my children away from her.
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I agree with you completely!
 
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princz23:
Thank you for all of the thoughtful respones.

No, the “grandparents” do not have legal visitation, we have just always had the every othe weekend arrangement. We go to Saturday vigil Mass on the weekends she visits them. It is usually 20 hours total she is with them.

As for my ex, no, his rights were never terminated, but he signed for me to have sole custody with visitation to be determined by me.

We have decided to go after him for back support and will be more than willing to drop the debt if he signs the voluntary termination. However, what I forsee happening is his parents will get involved and try to pay his back support to prevent this. We have considered that if they do this, we could take the money to hire an attorney to fight for adoption. What do yo think?

It’s hard because I care about these people and even though I knew they had this potential to act this way, I hoped I could pray them to the Catholic church before this sort of thing happened. They had not been to church in years and have been going to a large non-denominational church for about two years. Sandy was raised Baptist and I feel she harbors a lot of misbeliefs about our faith. I have tried ways to enlighten her, but she does not want to be enlightened.
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My daughter went through something like this. Her ex and his family decided it was up to her to have their relationship with the granddaughters. At no time have these people even sent the girls a gift, or called to talk with them. They visit their other grandchildren in Missouri, but are “afraid” to come to Chicago (they also harbor strange beliefs about Catholics, but are Methodists). He was behind in support, and hadn’t seen them since the younger was 4 weeks old (she was 2 1/2 when this came down). He honestly expected to go into court, file a motion, have the judge tell my daughter to pack their clothes, and take them away for two weeks to another state, with two kids he hadn’t seen in over two years!

Thank God, this did not happen. His family supplied money for his foolhardy attempts to gain custody and then visitation without going through the correct procedures. Now, he wants to have his parental rights terminated. Unfortunately, in Illinois, unless she is married or he can be proven to be more than an alcoholic and not the best thinker, she usually has to be married again so that the new husband can adopt.

A big part of it was prayer and a good attorney. Get yours first.

I would not put up with Grandma’s behavior for one minute, esp. since they have no grandparental rights. She might have “always” had weekend visitation, but with behavior like this, she would not have again until she proved herself trustworthy, starting with an apology and supervised visitation. I’m not sure what the grandparent visitation laws are like in your state, but in Illinois, they are very stringent, and favor the custodial parent.

From the sound of it, your ex still needs Mom and Dad a lot, huh?

I think you will find this adoption is a lot easier than you think.
 
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princz23:
…We have decided to go after him for back support and will be more than willing to drop the debt if he signs the voluntary termination. However, what I forsee happening is his parents will get involved and try to pay his back support to prevent this. We have considered that if they do this, we could take the money to hire an attorney to fight for adoption. What do yo think?..
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Sounds to me like a precarious balance has been recently upset and things are heating up. Perhaps, FOR THE SAKE OF THE KIDS, everyone needs to drop back ten, take a deep breath and think this through before the lawyers and courts are called into referee.

It seems as if you have enjoyed almost 10 years of a mostly positive relationship with your former in-laws. More importantly, they have become a fixture in your daughter’s life, seeing them as often as she does. To abruptly terminate that relationship would be nothing but destructive to your daughter.

I am not saying these people have bought themselves carte blanche with respect to your future by virtue of their past involvement. But, as the adults here, you and they need to find a constructive way to resolve the conflicts that have arisen without involving or traumatizing the children. I think if everyone keeps that goal uppermost in their mind, you have some hope of appealing to them and making progress. At the very least it is worth the effort to sit down with them, honestly lay out all your concerns (without attacking them) in the spirit of restoring and preserving a relationship, not destroying it.

You may also want to seriously consider some of the legal actions you are entertaining. You claim your daughter, at age 10, “desperately wants” to be adopted by your husband. With a 10 yo of my own, this is hard to swallow. Adoption represents a legal relationship of which most 10 year olds have little awareness or “desperate” interest. Does she need and want your husband’s time, attention and love? Absolutely. The legalities are for you, and threaten to introduce a lot of turmoil into her life. Is it worth it–or can you put your own desires to be a “legal family” aside at least until some of the conflicts described in your posts are resolved? Holding a gun to your ex-husband’s head over child support is not a winning strategy either. These issues should be pursued independently–to infuse as little volatility as possible. What you have the “right” to do and what is the wise thing to do may be different for a time.

Best of luck to you…divorce and mixed familes can be a vexing challenge. It can be a trap the keeps you from escaping mistakes of judgment from your past. That being said, you owe it to your daughter, as well as the other children affected, to get this resolved the right way and you may be the only voice of reason in the din. Don’t fail her by abandoning the values you now profess.
 
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