Have you ever had to deal with Grandparents playing favorites?

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Princess_Abby said:
1. Speaking to you that way is unacceptable.
2. Speaking that way ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN is unacceptable.
3. Dictating to you when she will or will not see YOUR CHILD is OUTRAGEOUS.

This woman, grandmother or not, needs a reality check. Do not hesitate to keep your daughter away from someone who not only doesn’t respect your wishes, but actually admits to favoring her over her younger brothers. She has also completely overstepped her boundaries by insinuating it is up to HER when YOUR CHILD visits. If she is going to play favorites, then she is walking a fine line and (IMHO) should ultimately have to forfeit a relationship for the time being, with all of the children, due to her behavior. Children are not equipped to deal with adult issues, and your seven-year-old twins certainly do not have the emotional maturity to deal with a bitter old woman’s favoritism toward their older sister. WORSE, it could damage the relationship between your boys and your daughter. This sort of thing is extremely dangerous. I am extremely close to my siblings and I truly believe it was because my parents fostered the concept of loyalty and love from day one. Favoritism creates a mindset of “good/bad” and unnecessary competition. It might also lead to your daughter feeling guilty, your twins feeling inadequate…so many bad things.

Furthermore, has your ex signed away his parental rights? Because if he has, it is not up to him whether or not your current husband adopts Rachel, and it is CERTAINLY not up to your ex-in-law! Erase even her opinion from your mind. It is not worth thinking about.

My prayers are with you! Be strong!
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Excellent advice Abby!!!
One grandmother (my MIL) sadly plays favorites too. I’m the dis-favored one–and of course her son, my husband can do no wrong. She also disrespects me greatly and talks bad about me to my kids, which yes, IS totally unacceptable. I suggest the book “Boundaries” by Townsend. It’s very good.
 
Thank you everyone. I lost my father tonight at 8:OOPM. Please pray for the repose of his soul. My heart is aching, but I can hope that through the grace of Christ, he is home. The other situation will sit on the back burner for awhile.
 
I’m so sorry for the loss of your father. My prayers are with you and your family at this time.

Arlene
 
May the peace of God be with you and your family in your time of loss.
 
I have some wonderful news. My ex-husband has contacted me and told me he wants to terminate his rights and allow my husband to adopt Rachel. He only wants to ensure that his parents have contact. I

explained everything to him and he was understanding about our expectations for his parents. I let him know that I would like them to continue to love and be in the lives of all the children, with no expectation of buying for them except when they want to do something small for them all.

I also let him know that we would not expect them to take the boys everytime they take Rachel. He was reassured and will not oppose the name change on Tuesday. He was thrilled that we are keeping his last name as a 2nd middle name for her. He said he loves her, but he never expected to be a father. His parents are only worried that they will be shut out of her life. He has agreed to bridge the gap and try to make them understand so we can sit down and talk rationally without her yelling at me.

Maybe this means Dad is in heaven and helping us out already!
God bless you all!
 
What amazing news! Such a blessing! That’s really wonderful.
 
My daughter’s name is officially changed as of today. The judge asked her if that was what she wanted. Her biological father did not show up. We sent the notice certified mail, so the judge signed it without a problem. Next will be the adoption. My daughter still does not want to go visit her grandparents. She said because of what they are saying. The ex is supposed to talk to them and be in touch. I am going to talk to an attorney about the adoption papers and then call him to let him know the name change is official and find out about the grandparents.
 
Thanks for the update. Our prayers are still with you over the loss of your father. God bless you and your family.
 
La Chiara:
Even those of us who are not dealing with divorce and remarriage struggle with grandparent issues. My in-laws spoil their grandchildren by buying things that the kids don’t need. And I may perceive that they favor one set of grandchildren over another. …
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Yes, there are grandparents out that do favor one child over another even in the same family. My mother in law has overtly shown disgust over my oldest daughter but showers my middle with hugs and affection… why? Because my oldest looks like me and my middle looks like my hubby. This isn’t just my mind being “paranoid”. I have a neice that is much older than my oldest and is a problem child (massive attitude, ADD, turrets, epilepsy, VERY difficult child) and because I took her into my home for 3 months during the summer one year, my MIL insists my oldests “problems” are because I ruined her by taking in my neice. (Let’s ignore the fact that my oldest is just a stubborn kid)
La Chiara:
But I have long since recognized that I can not change someone else’s behavior. So unless there is some immoral behavior (and there has never been), I have learned to shrug it off. …
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Kudos to you! 😃 It’s very difficult but I have the tendancy to not try to change my mother in law but I do cut her off at the knees when she’s being obvious. I don’t want my girls developing sibling rivalry based off jealousy because she favors one over the other. My mother in law has even already dismissed our third baby because she looks like my oldest.

It’s stupid stuff… it really is… but it can lead to harsh feelings that I don’t want my girls developing over each other. It’s easier to help guide the girls’ through their jealousy if they are jealous over how someone else treats a friend or something… but to have those feelings of jealousy over their own sister can hurt them for the rest of their life. I speak from experience.
La Chiara:
You can’t control others people’s behavior–.
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Again, you’re right… but you can control the situation by not allowing your child to be around someone that teaches them bad attitudes that thwarts your morals you’re trying to teach your child.

I do agree with you that the girl is part of the grandmothers “line” when the others are not. Unfortunately, because the divorce rate is so high, there are many families that experience this. (not judging anyone… just making a simple observation)
peace
theresa
 
Theresa,

Thank you for your reply. I do believe as parents we can say to someone “we will buy our child’s school shoes this year” and not have to expect a fit to be thrown. We have not had any recent contact with these grandparents. That is their choice. All we asked was to sit down and talk before visits resume. Our daughter is relieved. She doesn’t want to see them until this is resolved. She is thrilled to have a new name and knows that adoption is in the works. My ex is working on talking to his parents about the adoption. I can only hope that they will put her well-being above their own fears and selfishness and resume the relationship with all four children. By the way, the boys have not even asked about them.
 
Most kids will be relieved to not be caught up in adult situations. Your kids look to you for help and I’m glad they are able to trust your protection. I feel sorry for my oldest because she looks to me for help and she’s only five. She shouldn’t have to think about stuff like “Nana’s favorites” at an early age. Even my sister in law is like that but since she’s only a few weeks older than me, I don’t hesitate to verbally cut her down when she’s being stupid. Since she lives about an hour from us, she likes to make drop ins and it’s my house so I curb the behavior quick.
I’m glad you asked this question for this thread. I’ve learned a few things from others posts. So thank you! :clapping:

theresa
 
Have you ever had to deal with Grandparents playing favorites?
YES!!! they come to visit and they walk right by me giving hugs and kisses and spoiling the kids!😦 I wouldn’t mind a little attention from time to time.😉
 
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princz23:
My daughter wants to be adopted. She wants her Mom and Dad to buy her the things she needs. She wants to feel like she is a part of our family not someone who Grammy and Grandpa provide for that simply lives with us. She was so thrilled yesterday when the whole family went to buy shoes, including her. Before, it would have been ridiculous for us to do so when she had 30 pairs they had already purchased for her. She is happy. She comes first. The boys don’t know anything yet. We will deal with that when the time comes. Thanks for your prayers.
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Since you daughter is 16 years old she could petition the courts to allow your husband to adopt her. She can request that her boith fathers rights be terminated. I don’t know if this is good or bad but it is an option.
 
Thank you Kathleen, but my daughter will be 10 this month. I am not sure where the confusion over her age began. I will have to reread the thread and see. The judge did ask her opinion about the name change though. I think they will take her desires into consideration. My ex is very agreeable at this point because I do believe he loves her, he just does not want to be her father in any kind of active sense. I now believe that Lord had a hand in the argument with the grandparents because my husband and I were being so timid about doing the adoption Rachel was asking for because of our love and respect for the grandparents. We may have continued to put it off and it is obvious from her growing self-confidence that this is what she needed. Thank you Lord that you make “all things work for good for those who love God” Romans 8:28.
 
Now I know why everyone thinks she is older. I wrote 15 months when we (my ex and I) divorced and 16 when I met my husband now. I meant 16 months, but that is NOT what I said. Sorry. We met the next month…she was a toddler.
 
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