Have you ever had to deal with Grandparents playing favorites?

[Tazgurl21]

Naw me and my brothers were always the favorites from my dad’s side of the family cuz my cousins were always bad and we were the good ones.

 

[princz23]

The responses are so helpful to me on this thread. My daughter is very mature and I believe fully understands that she wants to be a legal part of this family. She came to me about a year ago and said, “Mom, can Dad adopt me, please?”. The only reason to hesitate was the grandparents and the mess it would cause.

My Mom was diagnosed with a genetic heart condition in January of this year that can cause sudden death. I have tested negative so far, but it brought home for us that if something happened to me, our daughter could be taken away from the only family she has ever known. My husband would have no legal rights. I have a will that asks that my mother receive custody and deny custody to her father and why. I don’t know if the wishes would be honored. My mother would leave her with her family, but my ex in-laws would fight for custody, I am sure. Also to complicate things, my father has been in the hospital 16 weeks and we are bringing him home to die at age 54 this week. He developed a brain abcess from a Strep B infection. The fact that Sandy would become so enraged over me asking her to allow us to buy Rachel shoes when she knows what I have been going through caring for my father this summer(my parents divorced when I was 12 and my only brother is in Texas) is astounding to me.

They are supposed to pick Rachel up this weekend. One of the accusations she made before haning up on me was that my daughter did not even like living with us and begged her to not make her go home last time. Obviously I had to talk with my daughter and ask her if she felt this way. She assured me that she had simply asked if she could stay another night since she was still on summer break because she wanted to spend more time with them. It is certainly possible that she manipulated them or gave them the wrong impression or maybe that is just Sandy’s opinion. All I know is that until we speak, my daughter will not be going over there. I do not feel the need to make that first contact. Unless they do prior to time to pick her up, we will not be home and will leave a note that they need to contact us to arrange a time for the adults to meet and discuss.

I will not back down on protecting any of my children. The issue about back support, etc. is something that I now realize I should have enforced sooner. We have garnished before, but he always quits his job and moves on. We recently learned he has been using my husband’s last name and our previous addresses as his alias. I am unsure what to do about that, but I am pretty sure there is something illegal or unethical going on. He is an addicted gambler which led to the demise of our non-sacramental, civil union. After Rachel was born, she became my reason to finally leave, go back to the Church and receive God’s grace to heal.

I accept my fault in our divorce. I strayed greatly from my values in those years. I do not believe I am now. I believe I am standing up for something that will benefit my daughter in the long run. I pray that my children only have to lose one grandparent this year, not three. Rachel wants to go to school with our last name this year, so the motion was filed this week. That is how we found about the alias. We did a computer search to get his address to send the hearing information which is required by law. I know his parents will think it was in retaliation, but God works in mysterious ways, we already had it planned. We had been erroneously told by two different people working at the court house that a name change was a simple as filling out two papers and paying a fee. They forgot to mention the other parent notification part. I believe we would have had a hard time honoring her wishes for fear of upsetting the apple cart with them if this blow-up had not already happened.

 

[La_Chiara]

Jennifer, I suspect that your ex-husband and his family are going to fight you on your daughter’s name change and fight you on letting your current husband adopt her. Not being at home when his parents come to pick up your daughter is a very risky strategy. I think you are so convinced of the rightness of your own motives that you are making no effort to have any compassion for them. Until you have compassion for them, they are probably going to thwart your every effort and make it very unpleasant. It is a very unfortunate situation. Do you have anyone who is helping you see the other side of what you want?

 

[Princess_Abby]

La Chiara:

Jennifer, I suspect that your ex-husband and his family are going to fight you on your daughter’s name change and fight you on letting your current husband adopt her. Not being at home when his parents come to pick up your daughter is a very risky strategy. I think you are so convinced of the rightness of your own motives that you are making no effort to have any compassion for them. Until you have compassion for them, they are probably going to thwart your every effort and make it very unpleasant. It is a very unfortunate situation. Do you have anyone who is helping you see the other side of what you want?

I’m confused about what precisely should be motivating Jennifer to feel compassion for Sandy?

 

[princz23]

I don’t feel compassion for Sandy as much as I feel love for her and confusion over why she would chose what she wants and her son who has never been a father over her granddaughter. La Chiara, it is not what I want. If it were about what I want, we would have done it when she was 2. We waited until she came to us to ask, no plead to be honest. She goes to a Catholic school. Most kids are not from divorced families. I hurt her in this way. I can do something to help her feel that she belongs. In her mind, her parents are NOT divorced because the only two parents she has ever known are MARRIED. By the way, our boys have two middle names, she did not so we are keeping her current last name as a 2nd middle name. We believe that is compassion for the grandparents and makes her more like the boys.

 

[La_Chiara]

Princess_Abby:

I’m confused about what precisely should be motivating Jennifer to feel compassion for Sandy?

Jennifer should feel compassion for Sandy because Sandy is the child’s grandmother and the child is Sandy’s only grandchild.

Jennifer is seeking to legally terminate the child’s father from the child’s life (by having her adopted by Jennifer’s current husband). Jennifer is rationalizing that this is what a 10 year old child wants. But it is really about what Jennifer wants and what is convenient for Jennifer, for her current husband, and for their other children. Changing the child’s name, terminating the father’s parental rights, and having the child legally adopted by her stepfather conveniently cover up the evidence that her parents are divorced and the child is a product of that divorce. The grandparents and the father are very likely going to fight Jennifer’s attempts to take these legal actions–in which case, Jennifer will fail and will be dealing with the fallout of her failed efforts. Jennifer does not see that she is swinging at a hornet’s nest. There is a very strong possibility that even if Jennifer succeeds in taking these legal actions that her daughter when she is an adult will resent Jennifer for destroying whatever minimal relationships she has or could have with her father and paternal grandparents.

I am sorry that this sounds harsh. But Jennifer sounds like she is so convinced of what she wants that she doesn’t see that her efforts can also be seen as selfish and manipulative. I know she believes that this is for the best. But she is not seeing it from any other point of view than her own.

 

[princz23]

You are way out of line La Chiara. Way out of line. I now feel sorry for your children if you would not stand up for them in this situation. It sounds like you do not believe in God’s forgiveness and you want to punish me for past mistakes when he has already forgiven me. I can assure you, I am not going into this with a blind eyes. If it was all about what I wanted, it would have happened years ago. What are your issues that you are so harsh in your treatment? You think that sort of tone will get through? I think not. I plan on talking to the grandparents. You act as if I am not. Please deal with whatever issues this is triggering for you.

 

[La_Chiara]

Jennifer, I am sorry that you are offended. I am only trying to open your eyes to another point of view. I really do wish you well and only intend to alert you to the risks of your planned actions.

Fortunately, I am not in your situation. I would like to think it is because I am very deliberate about decisions I make and in my parenting. I am married 20 years, am a parent, neither I nor my husband were married before, and both of us came from intact Catholic families–no divorce. I share that in response to your post. I don’t judge you, I have no doubt that God forgives you as He forgives all of our mistakes, and I am not involved in your life at all so I can’t punish you. (Nor would I want to.) You want to believe that I have some issues that motivate me but fortunately I don’t. I do have compassion for you and I wish you well. Really I do. God bless you and guide you.

 

[rayne89]

La Chiara:

Jennifer, I am sorry that you are offended. I am only trying to open your eyes to another point of view. I really do wish you well and only intend to alert you to the risks of your planned actions.

Fortunately, I am not in your situation. I would like to think it is because I am very deliberate about decisions I make and in my parenting. I am married 20 years, am a parent, neither I nor my husband were married before, and both of us came from intact Catholic families–no divorce. I share that in response to your post. I don’t judge you, I have no doubt that God forgives you as He forgives all of our mistakes, and I am not involved in your life at all so I can’t punish you. (Nor would I want to.) You want to believe that I have some issues that motivate me but fortunately I don’t. I do have compassion for you and I wish you well. Really I do. God bless you and guide you.

My husband’s cousin was adopted by her step dad and far from resenting it, she is very glad for it. She wanted to honor the daddy that raised her not the man the gave her his genes and little else. She’s a grown woman happily married with children of her own. She has no contact with her biological father becasue she doesn’t want any.

Another relative of husband adopted the son his wife had from a previous relationship they later divorced and he paid child support and was the only father this boy has had a relationship with.

I can’t believe you are defending a dead beat dad -and his family whose coddled and has never called him to the carpet for his irresponsible and hurtful behavior that he has inflicted his daughter he brought into this world. I think Jennifer has been very compassionate because I was have had serious issues with the parents long before this for turning a blind eye to their son’s lack of interest in his own child.

You discount the fact that a 10 year old does not want a different last name then her brother, that she wants the only man who’s ever been her dad in everyway to be her dad in eyes of the world, not just in her eyes.

I have a ten year old daughter. If my husband was not her biological father and there was some other non existant father floating through her life when ever he pleased I believe she would feel the same exact way Jennifer’s daughter does.

I don’t where all these “psychic” revelations about the future are coming from but I believe you are wrong. I also believe your’re wrong for pretending to know what Jennifer’s “true” motive are.

 

[Princess_Abby]

rayne89:

My husband’s cousin was adopted by her step dad and far from resenting it, she is very glad for it. She wanted to honor the daddy that raised her not the man the gave her his genes and little else. She’s a grown woman happily married with children of her own. She has no contact with her biological father becasue she doesn’t want any.

Another relative of husband adopted the son his wife had from a previous relationship they later divorced and he paid child support and was the only father this boy has had a relationship with.

I can’t believe you are defending a dead beat dad -and his family whose coddled and has never called him to the carpet for his irresponsible and hurtful behavior that he has inflicted his daughter he brought into this world. I think Jennifer has been very compassionate because I was have had serious issues with the parents long before this for turning a blind eye to their son’s lack of interest in his own child.

You discount the fact that a 10 year old does not want a different last name then her brother, that she wants the only man who’s ever been her dad in everyway to be her dad in eyes of the world, not just in her eyes.

I have a ten year old daughter. If my husband was not her biological father and there was some other non existant father floating through her life when ever he pleased I believe she would feel the same exact way Jennifer’s daughter does.

I don’t where all these “psychic” revelations about the future are coming from but I believe you are wrong. I also believe your’re wrong for pretending to know what Jennifer’s “true” motive are.

 

[Island_Oak]

princz23:

…They are supposed to pick Rachel up this weekend… All I know is that until we speak, my daughter will not be going over there. I do not feel the need to make that first contact. Unless they do prior to time to pick her up, we will not be home and will leave a note that they need to contact us to arrange a time for the adults to meet and discuss.

You know when you started this thread your original concern was supposedly the discrepancy in the way your former in-laws treated your daughter, who is their biological grandchild, and your other children. Your litany of woes about the misdeeds of your husband, while enlightening of his character, is still not terribly relevant to the fact that his parents have, with your support and encouragement, developed a very close relationship and bond with your daughter. It seems as the posts go on the clearer it gets that the problem is between you, them and your ex, not the kids.

Now, because of some of your ex-husband’s deeds or omissions, and some resulting tension with his parents, you are using your daughter as a pawn to get their attention and your way. Stop it immediately. Pick up the phone and call them. You absolutely are in the right to point out that tensions have caused some misunderstandings and behaviour that can not and will not continue. But to play this juvenile “if she doesn’t call me, I’ll be gone and leave a note…” garbage gets you nowhere but deeper in the pit. Is this really how you want to model conflict resolution to your daughter?! Is the message to her all over again going to be that when people who love each other aren’t getting along, they back themselves into their corners, dig in their heels, argue and humiliate each other while waiting for someone to break?!

You all are way overdue to exercise some self control, humility and start listening to each other. If, after giving it an honest try you find your inlaws are unreasonable or that they are ignoring your concerns as the parent, that’s one thing. But after all these years of their care and concern and love for your daughter, do you really think you’d lose anything by giving them a chance to show just how much they care for her? Think about it before trying any diappearing acts or nasty notes.

 

[La_Chiara]

Island Oak:

You know when you started this thread your original concern was supposedly the discrepancy in the way your former in-laws treated your daughter, who is their biological grandchild, and your other children. Your litany of woes about the misdeeds of your husband, while enlightening of his character, is still not terribly relevant to the fact that his parents have, with your support and encouragement, developed a very close relationship and bond with your daughter. It seems as the posts go on the clearer it gets that the problem is between you, them and your ex, not the kids.

Now, because of some of your ex-husband’s deeds or omissions, and some resulting tension with his parents, you are using your daughter as a pawn to get their attention and your way. Stop it immediately. Pick up the phone and call them. You absolutely are in the right to point out that tensions have caused some misunderstandings and behaviour that can not and will not continue. But to play this juvenile “if she doesn’t call me, I’ll be gone and leave a note…” garbage gets you nowhere but deeper in the pit. Is this really how you want to model conflict resolution to your daughter?! Is the message to her all over again going to be that when people who love each other aren’t getting along, they back themselves into their corners, dig in their heels, argue and humiliate each other while waiting for someone to break?!

You all are way overdue to exercise some self control, humility and start listening to each other. If, after giving it an honest try you find your inlaws are unreasonable or that they are ignoring your concerns as the parent, that’s one thing. But after all these years of their care and concern and love for your daughter, do you really think you’d lose anything by giving them a chance to show just how much they care for her? Think about it before trying any diappearing acts or nasty notes.

 

[princz23]

I NEVER said anything about a nasty note! I don’t attend to do any such thing. Why is it that people assume the worst about people. The reason I did not want to call her, truthfully is that I cannot be sure that she will not scream at me again and I don’t have to tolerate that. If she calls me or her husband does, I will assume they will be civil. The note I plan on leaving will say that until they contact us with a convenient time for the adults to sit down and talk, there will be no visits.

The reason I had to explain the situation about my ex, is that La Chiara is so uncharitable that she has to be nasty about people who haven’t had a perfect past. I was perfectly content to receive feedback about the Grandparent situation. I fully attend to try to work something out with them, however, I fear the worse when the situation arises with the ex.

Everyone has their own opinion and some are very diverse on this subject. I am interested in all opinions, that does not mean I will change my mind. I am considering calling them if they do not call me, but I will be forced to hang up if she screams at me again. Remember, all over a pair of shoes.

 

[princz23]

By the way, the Grandparents have developed a loving relationship with ALL of our family, not just their BIOLOGICAL grandchild. All I want is to hold them to their obligation to them all, not exclude them from anyone.

I wonder if some people think only Blood relatives count. I do not.

 

[Island_Oak]

princz23:

I NEVER said anything about a nasty note! I don’t attend to do any such thing. Why is it that people assume the worst about people.

Sorry…shouldn’t have written so as to suggest you would make it nasty.

The reason I did not want to call her, truthfully is that I cannot be sure that she will not scream at me again and I don’t have to tolerate that. If she calls me or her husband does, I will assume they will be civil. The note I plan on leaving will say that until they contact us with a convenient time for the adults to sit down and talk, there will be no visits.

Your hesitation to call based on her recent treatment of you in understandable. However, I would still make the first move and here’s why. If what you have related to us is true, your ex-MIL is taking our some frustration on you and acting a bit like a bully. Bullies only operate where they perceive they are dealing with a weaker person. If you make the first move, not only will it demonstrate that you are in control of yourself and your emotions, but more importantly will signal that you will not be intimidated by nor run away from her bad behaviour. If she perceives you as strong and a person who can hold her own, her behaviour is unlikely to be as impulsive and rude. It will also allow you to set the agenda and keep the focus on their interaction with your daughter–the key issue at hand.

The reason I had to explain the situation about my ex, is that La Chiara is so uncharitable that she has to be nasty about people who haven’t had a perfect past. I was perfectly content to receive feedback about the Grandparent situation…

I didn’t pick up anything remotely like that from her post. These comments on the public board are unnecessary and uncharitable.

Everyone has their own opinion and some are very diverse on this subject. I am interested in all opinions, that does not mean I will change my mind…

All that I have read here has been offered quite charitably and without the heated emotion of those who are in the middle of the conflict. People, including myself, get passionate about these kinds of dilemas because they have seen the pain they can inflict on the innocent bystanders: the children. Obviously you are the only one with the power and opportunity to decide how you will proceed. We are all offering only what we believe will be in the best interests of everyone involved and consistent with the values and strength we have as members of the larger Catholic family. May God grant you the wisdom and courage to successfully navigate these troubled waters.

 

[Princess_Abby]

I think that bullies love attention. Sandy seems to like playing games of rejection with those whom she perceives as being weak. Such as, seven year old twins and a four year old little boy, all three of which she has fostered a seemingly loving grandparental relationship with for all three of their young lives. Sandy has chosen to use the topic of shoe-buying as a means in which to suddenly covey to the mother of these four children that she really only loves one of them–the biological one.

Well, that’s fine. But she might have mentioned that seven years ago when two little boys came into the world and began calling Sandy and her husband “Grammy and Grandpa.” She further could have mentioned this tiny detail when yet another little boy joined the family and came to know and love Sandy as his Grammy.

Now, suddenly, these boys are expected to deal with the loss and rejection of this relationship that Sandy has willingly fostered for each of their three young lives. As Jennifer has communicated to us, I’m sure it’s difficult for three little boys to watch time and again as their older sister comes home with boxes and boxes of material things, but none for them… when in their young minds, the relationship to Grammy and Grandpa was always as equal as equal could be. How do you explain to a four year old that Rachel gets 1/4 of her genes from Sandy and therefore Sandy loves Rachel ONLY and best?

If Sandy wants to continue a relationship with Rachel, then that’s fine. But as Rachel’s parent, I would first demand that Sandy work with me to help explain to the rest of my children why she no longer wants to acknowledge them as she has in the past. I would not allow Sandy to wreak havoc on the fragile emotions of my little children, all to keep her wishes and seemingly erratic demands met.

This would first entail Sandy calling and confirming the visit. No one would ever dictate to me when or if they would see my child, and certainly not at the expense of my other children. If and when Sandy was able to come to a reasonable agreement concerning future interaction with the rest of the children, or to participate in helping my other children reframe their concept of the relationship they hold with Sandy, THEN I would be more than willing to allow my daughter to continue her visitation…assuming, of course, that Sandy was also clear about how I felt regarding material possessions.

However, I think that Jennifer calling Sandy and initiating this only feeds into Sandy’s control issue. As Jennifer stated, she does not have to put up with any sort of abusive treatment (such as screaming or yelling) and I would not feel comfortable initiating any communication until Sandy is sufficiently calmed enough to speak in an adult manner. Unitl Sandy does decide to call, I would think it reasonable to believe Sandy’s feelings remain the same as when she and Jennifer last spoke. Given that Jennifer finds the sentiments that Sandy expressed during the conversation to be intolerable, there is really nothing Jennifer is obligated to do until Sandy indicates she will not be abusive in her language. THEN the issues with the boys and material possessions can be worked out, and only after that should visitation resume.

 

[princz23]

Just to update. We left a note on the door due to being out of town. It simply said, “Please be in contact with us so the adults can sit down and talk. The children involved deserve that”.

To my knowledge they never received the note. It was still on the door when we returned. They did call at 4:05pm that day on the cell phone and did not leave a message. They called back around 5:30 and Sandy said “we are not going to church tonight and want to know if we can get Rachel early”. I replied “no, the adults need to sit down and talk before she visits again”. To which she replied yelling “then you can talk to my lawyer”. I said “okay” and she hung up.

She called back 3 minutes later and my husband answered. I wanted him to hear how unstable she sounded if she went off on a tangent like she did the first conversation. She did. She started by asking him why I was being so cruel to her. She then went on a rant. It was all about her and what we were doing to her. She told my husband he was nothing to Rachel because he wasn’t blood. She ignores the fact that he is the only Dad Rachel has ever known. She was not concerned with talking or Rachel. She still does not know about the name change by the way.

She called back 45 minutes later saying her son was standing by for me to call. She said he is getting a job and if all I was concerned about was the money then I could garnish his wages. I reminded her that I had tried to call him for nine months, left messages, etc. and he wouldn’t answer or call me back. She went on to ask me why I was treating her so cruelly. I reminded her why the problems started and she instantly changed her tone to acidic and began attacking again.

Now she has written me a sappy e-mail asking again why I am being so mean to her. She just doesn’t get it. It’s not about her, it’s not about me, it’s about Rachel and the boys.

I did call her son the next day and he tried to defend her. His tone changed when he found out he could get out of back support by terminating his rights. I told him Rachel wants to be adopted. He seemed to care about what she wants. I think my husband is right on when he says my ex loves her, he just wasn’t cut out to be a parent. My ex wants to meet this week and talk. I plan on doing so, but my Dad is in his last hours on this earth, so it will remain to be seen.

I found this information on grandparent rights in KY, by the way. It seems as if parents DO have rights over what the grandparents want unless not visiting is found to be harmful to the children. We are not threatening to stop visits, but our rules WILL be followed and until they are established, there will be no visitation. If they want to drag us to court, they can, but from the information I found, that would be foolish.

I don’t know how to make the hyperlink work. Sorry!
parentsrights.org/media/ky_pr.html

 

[princz23]

Hey, it does work! Cool!

 

[La_Chiara]

princz23:

Just to update. We left a note on the door due to being out of town. It simply said, “Please be in contact with us so the adults can sit down and talk. The children involved deserve that”.

To my knowledge they never received the note. It was still on the door when we returned. They did call at 4:05pm that day on the cell phone and did not leave a message. They called back around 5:30 and Sandy said “we are not going to church tonight and want to know if we can get Rachel early”. I replied “no, the adults need to sit down and talk before she visits again”. To which she replied yelling “then you can talk to my lawyer”. I said “okay” and she hung up.

She called back 3 minutes later and my husband answered. I wanted him to hear how unstable she sounded ** if she went off on a tangent like she did the first conversation. She did. She started by asking him why I was being so cruel to her. She then went on a rant. It was all about her and what we were doing to her.** She told my husband he was nothing to Rachel because he wasn’t blood. She ignores the fact that he is the only Dad Rachel has ever known. She was not concerned with talking or Rachel. She still does not know about the name change by the way.

She called back 45 minutes later saying her son was standing by for me to call. She said he is getting a job and if all I was concerned about was the money then I could garnish his wages. I reminded her that I had tried to call him for nine months, left messages, etc. and he wouldn’t answer or call me back. She went on to ask me why I was treating her so cruelly. I reminded her why the problems started and she instantly changed her tone to acidic and began attacking again.

Now she has written me a sappy e-mail asking again why I am being so mean to her. She just doesn’t get it. It’s not about her, it’s not about me, it’s about Rachel and the boys.

I did call her son the next day and he tried to defend her. His tone changed when he found out he could get out of back support by terminating his rights. I told him Rachel wants to be adopted. He seemed to care about what she wants. I think my husband is right on when he says my ex loves her, he just wasn’t cut out to be a parent. My ex wants to meet this week and talk. I plan on doing so, but my Dad is in his last hours on this earth, so it will remain to be seen.

I found this information on grandparent rights in KY, by the way. It seems as if parents DO have rights over what the grandparents want unless not visiting is found to be harmful to the children. We are not threatening to stop visits, but our rules WILL be followed and until they are established, there will be no visitation. If they want to drag us to court, they can, but from the information I found, that would be foolish.

You say it is about Rachel and the boys. But it sounds like it is all about you and getting what you want. That’s the way it appears to me. That’s the way it appears to Sandy and your ex-husband. And that may be the way it sounds to the judge who hears your requests. These conflicts are usually resolved by compromise. You are probably going to have to compromise on what you are demanding.

 

[Princess_Abby]

Jennifer, I think your instincts about this situation continue to be exactly on target. I’m so sorry to hear that your ex-MIL chooses to throw these tantrums just as you are dealing with your father’s seemingly imminent death. How sad and remarkably insensitive.

Be strong, and I continue to pray for you and your family!