P
pat41164
Guest
Hi, all! Not sure if this is the right forum, but it seems like the closest to post this question.
I’m widow, currently dating a man, 50. When I asked him if he had any children “out there,” he admitted to me when I asked that two of his ex-girlfriends had abortions.
The first was when he was in college, around the age of 19 (she was in her early 20s). She told him, he said, as she was heading over to clinic. While he was upset about the abortion, he had to admit that he was also somewhat relieved that she chose to have it.
The second was when he was in his late 20s. He lived with his girlfriend at the time and when she became pregnant she told him that she had been pregnant when she was younger and had a “difficult” time. He has no idea what that difficulty was, but I think she did not go to term and lost that baby. So she wanted an abortion. Because of her difficulty the first time, he supported her decision, and I believe he went with her to the clinic (he might have even taken her there).
I found this out probably about six to seven months into our own relationship. Honestly, I was devastated. I told him it was upsetting. He said he couldn’t change his past. He admitted to then being a very selfish person.
The man I know is very sweet and kind. He would never intentionally hurt anyone. He in fact is quite sensitive. He has a soft spot for ill children and gives when he can to St. Jude’s. While fairly religious as a child/teenager (he even went to a seminary high school), he became less so in his 20s. But then in his mid 30s-40s, while he was caring for his ill mother, he became a “born-again” Christian, as his mother was the same (she died when he was 43).
Then as he was just about to become 49, he met me, and I reintroduced him to Catholicism, Mass, and the joy of having Mary as our mother. I like to think that I helped to bring him back home. He goes with me to Mass every Sunday, and deeply respects my devotion to my faith and my Lord. I think it’s one of the reasons he loves me so much.
But I’m having a hard time, internally, forgiving him for the abortions. While I know the girlfriends made the decision and in many ways, he was a different man (maybe BOY would be the better word) back then, he doesn’t seem to have much remorse. Kind of a “it happened, what can I do” attitude. I guess it’s hard for me to tell if he’s truly sorry it happened. I haven’t had the guts to ask him straight out.
But I have so much sorrow and grief myself for those deaths, that I think I’m having trouble forgiving him now. I feel anger and resentment. And not knowing if he’s regretful is troublesome for me too.
At one time, overcome by grief at my own thoughts, I walked up to him and hugged him and said, “I’m so sorry about the loss of your babies.” The answer I got back was that he didn’t like to think about it.
So maybe, in my grief, I’m not being compassionate enough for the strong emotions he might be dealing with – perhaps so strong that he’s rather go into a little denial. Or perhaps he has learned how to truly forgive himself for what’s happen, and I’m misreading that as a lack of care about what happened. I suspect he’s asked God to forgive him, although I’m sure he hasn’t confessed it (I highly doubt that he’s been to a confessional since high school).
I want to let this resentment go. But I know I still feel it. If any of you can help me through this… even if it’s just (which isn’t just “just”) some prayers, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you!
I’m widow, currently dating a man, 50. When I asked him if he had any children “out there,” he admitted to me when I asked that two of his ex-girlfriends had abortions.
The first was when he was in college, around the age of 19 (she was in her early 20s). She told him, he said, as she was heading over to clinic. While he was upset about the abortion, he had to admit that he was also somewhat relieved that she chose to have it.
The second was when he was in his late 20s. He lived with his girlfriend at the time and when she became pregnant she told him that she had been pregnant when she was younger and had a “difficult” time. He has no idea what that difficulty was, but I think she did not go to term and lost that baby. So she wanted an abortion. Because of her difficulty the first time, he supported her decision, and I believe he went with her to the clinic (he might have even taken her there).
I found this out probably about six to seven months into our own relationship. Honestly, I was devastated. I told him it was upsetting. He said he couldn’t change his past. He admitted to then being a very selfish person.
The man I know is very sweet and kind. He would never intentionally hurt anyone. He in fact is quite sensitive. He has a soft spot for ill children and gives when he can to St. Jude’s. While fairly religious as a child/teenager (he even went to a seminary high school), he became less so in his 20s. But then in his mid 30s-40s, while he was caring for his ill mother, he became a “born-again” Christian, as his mother was the same (she died when he was 43).
Then as he was just about to become 49, he met me, and I reintroduced him to Catholicism, Mass, and the joy of having Mary as our mother. I like to think that I helped to bring him back home. He goes with me to Mass every Sunday, and deeply respects my devotion to my faith and my Lord. I think it’s one of the reasons he loves me so much.
But I’m having a hard time, internally, forgiving him for the abortions. While I know the girlfriends made the decision and in many ways, he was a different man (maybe BOY would be the better word) back then, he doesn’t seem to have much remorse. Kind of a “it happened, what can I do” attitude. I guess it’s hard for me to tell if he’s truly sorry it happened. I haven’t had the guts to ask him straight out.
But I have so much sorrow and grief myself for those deaths, that I think I’m having trouble forgiving him now. I feel anger and resentment. And not knowing if he’s regretful is troublesome for me too.
At one time, overcome by grief at my own thoughts, I walked up to him and hugged him and said, “I’m so sorry about the loss of your babies.” The answer I got back was that he didn’t like to think about it.
So maybe, in my grief, I’m not being compassionate enough for the strong emotions he might be dealing with – perhaps so strong that he’s rather go into a little denial. Or perhaps he has learned how to truly forgive himself for what’s happen, and I’m misreading that as a lack of care about what happened. I suspect he’s asked God to forgive him, although I’m sure he hasn’t confessed it (I highly doubt that he’s been to a confessional since high school).
I want to let this resentment go. But I know I still feel it. If any of you can help me through this… even if it’s just (which isn’t just “just”) some prayers, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you!
What 1ke said.