Having Trouble Keeping Thoughts Of My Ex-Wife Being Out With The Guy That She Is Dating

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naomanos6

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My ex-wife and I do truly seem to have a better relationship now that we’re divorced. We’ve become really good friends which I appreciate because it makes things easier in regards to the kids.

However, I am finding it difficult keeping certain thoughts out of my head while she is on a date with the guy she is dating currently. She lets me know she is out on the date because her and I still talk daily and she doesn’t want me calling or messaging while she is out with him (which I understand completely). However, I know that they get home close to three in the morning because I can tell from Facebook messenger when she was on last. So my thoughts are running away from me on what they are doing and it’s keeping me up on those nights that she does go out with him.

I am also pretty protective of her because she does have multiple sclerosis and is the mother of my children. I don’t want to see her taken advantage of as she can get herself into situations in which she regrets later because she gets drunk. So that also helps to keep me awake when she is out with him.

How can I keep these thoughts from occurring or how can I keep them from compounding and keeping me awake at night?

I have prayed asking God to take them from me and not to allow them to creep back in, but they don’t go away.

I have forgiven them over and over again and hold nothing against either of them. Why would I? He has done nothing wrong, and neither has she.

I just don’t know what to do. What more can I do?
 
The Pope has to sleep at night. He does it by remembering which works are not his to do when sleeping is his work, and he hands that over to God. I don’t know how else a Pope could get any sleep, do you?

When you are worried about someone and have nothing to do about it, commend the person and the problem to God, just for the amount of time until it will be your work to consider the situation again. That isn’t while your work is to be sleeping.

It will take practice. The other thing to remember is that you cannot follow a command to not think a thought. Try “Don’t think of elephants.” You can’t do it. The only way to avoid thinking a thought is to substitute a different thought, preferably an incompatible thought, such as “Think about predators” or “Think about birds” or “Think about plate tectonics” or “Think about growing roses.”
 
When thoughts come to me that I want to go away this is what I do:

First I ask God to shield me from Satan’s ears (Satan can not read minds unless you give him permission ) Then I talk to God about my thoughts and how much they bother me and then I thank him for listening and understanding. He does listen you know and sometimes just talking through them with God brings these thoughts more in line. Then I talk to God about other things, my fears, my hopes, my love for Him and so on.

Recognize that you have yet to get past these things and that this understandable. Fill your life with beauty and other interests. Think of these thoughts as dark storms that come and go. At first the storms come often and are very dark. Over time they will still roll in unexpectedly but the time between storms will gradually lengthen. When you see the storm coming mentally wrap your soul in the shelter of your Guardian Angel’s wings and let the dark dusty wind blow past you.
 
Thank you for your responses.

It just seems so hard to do. I think part of the problem is that we still do things as a family. With her illness, she has to take someone with her in order to bring either or both of the kids out with her. So if her mom doesn’t go, I will.

Like tomorrow night. We’re going to Medieval Times and we’re taking our daughter. Her mom backed out on her last time, so she knows I won’t back out. I will have our daughter this weekend (not our son since my parents are out of town for my dad’s surgery and I am already caring for three dogs) and she wants me to bring her to her church (non-denominational) for their lake day.

So we still do these things together. So I am wondering if these things are what’s causing me to have these types of thoughts?

I’m not sure I want to stop doing these things as she does need the help and I don’t want to ruin the good relationship we now have as friends.
 
The first part of this may sound a little hokey, but it has been working for me. When say, lustful thoughts [not your problem here, I know] appear in my head, carnations, for some reason pop in my head to cover up the “scene.”

When I worry, or obsess over something, I turn it over to Christ as one person posted and I also pray in my head over and over, the Rosary, or “Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me.” I helps me.
 
on_the_hill said:
Why did you divorce?
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She no longer wished to be my wife. So she divorced me. She wanted to be happy and I wasn’t making her happy.

Since the separation I have been able to come off depression medications and family has mentioned I seem more relaxed and at ease than when I was married. My attitude has gotten better and I am generally happier with life. That has to mean something.

To the Catholic church our marriage wasn’t valid anyway as we’re both baptized Catholic, but weren’t married by a priest or had gotten permission from a bishop to marry outside the church. So I am going to file for a lack of form. Just waiting till I have an extra $50 to hand in the paperwork.
 
naomanos6 said:
Thank you for your responses.

It just seems so hard to do. I think part of the problem is that we still do things as a family. With her illness, she has to take someone with her in order to bring either or both of the kids out with her. So if her mom doesn’t go, I will.

Like tomorrow night. We’re going to Medieval Times and we’re taking our daughter. Her mom backed out on her last time, so she knows I won’t back out. I will have our daughter this weekend (not our son since my parents are out of town for my dad’s surgery and I am already caring for three dogs) and she wants me to bring her to her church (non-denominational) for their lake day.

So we still do these things together. So I am wondering if these things are what’s causing me to have these types of thoughts?

I’m not sure I want to stop doing these things as she does need the help and I don’t want to ruin the good relationship we now have as friends.
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It sounds as if you are fulfilling all the duties of a husband, but without the expectation that she fulfill any of the duties of a wife. That is a lot to ask of yourself, but you weren’t given the choice of a full mutual marriage.

Give yourself a break on that account, and hand those duties over to God for at least as long as you sleep. Try to concentrate instead on experiencing the love and care God has for you, in place of worry over the duties and rewards of marriage that have been taken from you.

Someone once told me that the best thing to do when one is beset with cares is to give glory to God. It isn’t a “trick,” but it does seem to discourage the Tempter when the effect of temptation is the opposite of what the Tempter intends. Besides, you can hardly go wrong with making a habit of turning to God and the joy God gives you merely by being God. It does put things in their eternal perspective.
 
naomanos6 said:
So we still do these things together. So I am wondering if these things are what’s causing me to have these types of thoughts?
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Yup, that is exactly why it is so hard. I understand there will be times when you will need to talk to her concerning issues with the kids, however, to do things with her and the kids is not only getting your feelings hurt, it is teaching the kids, there are no consequences to string 2 men along. Anyone I knew who grew up in such a situation had difficulty being faithful in a marriage as an adult

I know you probably love her since she was your wife once upon a time and he mother of your children but… if she is the one who decided to leave you, she kind of did it to herself. I wouldn’t be so helpful

Angie
 
I understand her medical issue(s), but she is the one who wanted to divorce you, but she still needs you to help her. It sounds like you still do quite a bit for her, for someone who is an ex-spouse. I think it is admirable, but at the same time, it sounds like she is taking advantage, too. I could be wrong, but that’s how I reading it.
 
We did go to medieval times yesterday and I ended up finding out through my daughter that the new boyfriend was over the day before and met them.

I am not happy! They have only been on two dates and I feel it’s too soon to get the kids involved. Way too soon.

Am I wrong for feeling that it’s too soon?
 
naomanos6 said:
We did go to medieval times yesterday and I ended up finding out through my daughter that the new boyfriend was over the day before and met them.

I am not happy! They have only been on two dates and I feel it’s too soon to get the kids involved. Way too soon.

Am I wrong for feeling that it’s too soon?
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Aching for you. This is a hard hard place to be … especially with the children and your caring heart. Letting go is one of the hardest things there is and I do think your ex wife is having her cake and eating it too and that is not fair to you. Be safe and strong…
 
naomanos6 said:
We did go to medieval times yesterday and I ended up finding out through my daughter that the new boyfriend was over the day before and met them.

I am not happy! They have only been on two dates and I feel it’s too soon to get the kids involved. Way too soon.

Am I wrong for feeling that it’s too soon?
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I am sorry this is happening to you and your family. That’s the saddest part of a divorce…you no longer have much of a say in what happens when your children aren’t with you.

I pray you can speak to your ex-wife and that she will receive what you have to say in regards to the situation. I hope she will understand your perspective on the situation. I personally would not recommend introducing children so soon into a new relationship. Is it possible that she has known him longer and you weren’t aware? Maybe that’s why she feels it’s ok?

Prayers for you & your family.
 
SuperHappy said:
I am sorry this is happening to you and your family. That’s the saddest part of a divorce…you no longer have much of a say in what happens when your children aren’t with you.

I pray you can speak to your ex-wife and that she will receive what you have to say in regards to the situation. I hope she will understand your perspective on the situation. I personally would not recommend introducing children so soon into a new relationship. Is it possible that she has known him longer and you weren’t aware? Maybe that’s why she feels it’s ok?

Prayers for you & your family.
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No, I don’t think that she has known him longer. I think she just thought it was okay.
 
Sorry if I missed it–how old are your kids and how long have you been divorced?
 
naomanos6 said:
No, I don’t think that she has known him longer. I think she just thought it was okay.
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From a divorced man who had the kids living with me after the divorce-
  1. You can’t ‘make someone happy’. To some extent happiness is a choice, i.e. being content and appreciating what you have. You can’t force it on someone.
  2. You were fired from being a husband. Don’t keep trying to be one.
  3. What are your goals? Your actions towards her should be consistent with your goals, not hers. You want a great relationship with your kids, so it makes sense to take them to ‘family’ things. Not your responsibility to assist her. You were fired from that job- stop trying to do it.
  4. If your goal is eventual reconciliation, well, then I can understand you making the effort to be around her a bit with no pressure and act in a friendly way. Being bitter or vindictive won’t assist in that goal. But, being a doormat who can be used won’t help either.
  5. Get off Facebook. Or at the very least, block or delete or whatever it takes so you can no longer see her Facebook page or any details from it.
  6. She legally can do whatever she wants regarding introducing boyfriends to the kids. She could even invite one of them to live with her. You have no control over that. Just look out for your kids. They may be better off living with you full time. Document any time she gets you to take them on her custody time.
  7. Stop trying to be her friend. She chose to tear apart your family, is that what a friend does? She tore up your kids stable home, is that what a friend does? Are her actions towards your kids, her decisions regarding them something someone else could do that you would consider a friend? Being cordial is one thing, it’s good for the kids. Being friends is an entirely different matter. My ex comes over to my home often since the kids live with me. We can talk and kid around, even joke in front of them. We can attend functions together. Their friends are a bit jealous because their own parents won’t talk, sit together at functions etc. But she isn’t my friend.
  8. Do not listen to sad break-up type music. Ensure you’re listening to upbeat stuff- I recommend epic music, Two Steps From Hell, Audiomachine, Twisted Jukebox, Immediate Music, Brand X music.
  9. Again. Get off Facebook. Stop tracking her, stop getting involved in her day-to-day affairs.
  10. Get some friends. Do stuff. Work out, ride motorcycles, go SCUBA diving, take dance classes, learn to play an instrument or spend time getting proficient on one you already can play. Find other things to focus on.
It’s tough. Believe me I know. First few weeks for me were the hardest because it was 50% custody and those times I didn’t have my kids were hard- just wandering around the house. Then I had my kids all but every other weekend, much easier, then they were living with me full time and my focus was on them. And only peripherally on how their mom’s relationships affected them.
 
styrgwillidar said:
From a divorced man who had the kids living with me after the divorce-
  1. You can’t ‘make someone happy’. To some extent happiness is a choice, i.e. being content and appreciating what you have. You can’t force it on someone.
  2. You were fired from being a husband. Don’t keep trying to be one.
  3. What are your goals? Your actions towards her should be consistent with your goals, not hers. You want a great relationship with your kids, so it makes sense to take them to ‘family’ things. Not your responsibility to assist her. You were fired from that job- stop trying to do it.
  4. If your goal is eventual reconciliation, well, then I can understand you making the effort to be around her a bit with no pressure and act in a friendly way. Being bitter or vindictive won’t assist in that goal. But, being a doormat who can be used won’t help either.
  5. Get off Facebook. Or at the very least, block or delete or whatever it takes so you can no longer see her Facebook page or any details from it.
  6. She legally can do whatever she wants regarding introducing boyfriends to the kids. She could even invite one of them to live with her. You have no control over that. Just look out for your kids. They may be better off living with you full time. Document any time she gets you to take them on her custody time.
  7. Stop trying to be her friend. She chose to tear apart your family, is that what a friend does? She tore up your kids stable home, is that what a friend does? Are her actions towards your kids, her decisions regarding them something someone else could do that you would consider a friend? Being cordial is one thing, it’s good for the kids. Being friends is an entirely different matter. My ex comes over to my home often since the kids live with me. We can talk and kid around, even joke in front of them. We can attend functions together. Their friends are a bit jealous because their own parents won’t talk, sit together at functions etc. But she isn’t my friend.
  8. Do not listen to sad break-up type music. Ensure you’re listening to upbeat stuff- I recommend epic music, Two Steps From Hell, Audiomachine, Twisted Jukebox, Immediate Music, Brand X music.
  9. Again. Get off Facebook. Stop tracking her, stop getting involved in her day-to-day affairs.
  10. Get some friends. Do stuff. Work out, ride motorcycles, go SCUBA diving, take dance classes, learn to play an instrument or spend time getting proficient on one you already can play. Find other things to focus on.
It’s tough. Believe me I know. First few weeks for me were the hardest because it was 50% custody and those times I didn’t have my kids were hard- just wandering around the house. Then I had my kids all but every other weekend, much easier, then they were living with me full time and my focus was on them. And only peripherally on how their mom’s relationships affected them.
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Thank you for your response.

I do not want to stop being friends with her or helping her. I do not feel right doing that, especially because I know of she has difficulties with her illness.

Also do not want to block her on Facebook because I get to see pictures of them that she takes when I’m not with them.

I think this is something is gonna take time to get used to and for me to learn to deal with.

I come here to rant because I have no other person to rant to. I have no good friends. I have co-workers who are friends, but I will not going ranting to them because they have their own lives.

I hope this board doesn’t mind me coming here to sound off.
 
naomanos6 said:
Thank you for your response.

I do not want to stop being friends with her or helping her. I do not feel right doing that, especially because I know of she has difficulties with her illness.

There is a difference between being cordial, polite and considerate and being a friend. Consider this carefully. The greatest threat to a child statistically is mom’s new boyfriend.

Also do not want to block her on Facebook because I get to see pictures of them that she takes when I’m not with them.

If there were a knife on the desk, would you stab yourself with it? Repeatedly? That’s what you’re doing with facebook. Ask her to email you pictures of the kids she takes, or set up a Tumblr/Instagram/online website for that purpose. You could express this to her as a desire to respect her privacy and stay out of her business

I think this is something is gonna take time to get used to and for me to learn to deal with.

Yep. It will take time, pray always to the Holy Spirit for guidance.

I come here to rant because I have no other person to rant to. I have no good friends. I have co-workers who are friends, but I will not going ranting to them because they have their own lives.

I figured that- hence item 10. Instead of obsessing over the ex, you can find friends by exploring your interests

I hope this board doesn’t mind me coming here to sound off.
No problem, I think people here want to assist folks. I’ve been down the unwanted divorce path although my kids were a bit older. Perhaps a part of God’s plan was to grant me some experience that may be of use in helping others.
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You are in the process of making the transition in identity from being a husband/part of a household family to being single with shared custody. It’s a struggle, you have to define your boundaries because you aren’t a husband anymore. As someone else mentioned, she shouldn’t have the best of both worlds-- someone fulfilling many of the obligations of a husband while she has shed the responsibilities of being a wife. That isn’t fair to you.

ETA: Sorry, forgot-- if your goal is reconciliation I think it would be better that she is given the opportunity to miss the things a husband does.

You seem to have accepted one of the key tenets of the patriarchy-- that your obligations to those you love, to those weaker than you, protection of women takes precedence over all other obligations, even to yourself. In return those you protect provide allegiance and support. The patriarchy is dead, you need to get over it. Your wife (now ex legally) falls into three of the categories- someone you love/weak due to illness/woman–hence your strong compulsion to remain so engaged. She has no obligations to you, you have no obligations to her other than those required by law regarding the kids and financial support.

I admire your values, but she is exploiting those values. She may even have counted on them in coming to her decision to divorce. I’m pretty sure my ex did, but I counted on her acting in a way to alienate the kids. Hence my recommendation to document any time you take the kids on her custody time (and probably anytime she needs you to assist with them due to her condition). That can be used to show the court to assign more custody time to you based on what has actually been happening
 
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