He cheated on her with me

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Mistaken

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I was friends with this guy and we were friends with benefits.
He started talking to another girl, and they recently started dating.
Even though he started dating someone else, he still wanted me and I still wanted him.
I told myself though and him that I don’t and won’t cheat or homewreck (when you tell someone to break up with their boyfriend/girlfriend).

We hung out last night, and I honestly did not want to do anything with him and I went over his house not intending on doing anything. But I have had the problem for a few years now that I am not assertive and I don’t stand up for myself, even when I need to. I put other people first and try to please everyone else around me. So because I had a hard time saying no to him, we ended up giving each other oral sex.
Part of the reason why I did it was because I was laying in his bed and he was telling me that we were already being bad by being in the same bed together, so it probably wouldn’t hurt any more if we just gave each other oral sex. I also did it because he gave me oral sex first, and I didn’t want him to be the only guilty one in the situation.

I feel so horrible and sad and guilty, and he doesn’t. I am planning on going to confession and talking to my priest about it, and I want to do plenary indulgences. I did not want this happening, I did not plan on doing anything with him, I just have a hard time being assertive. He was the one who wanted to do things, and I couldn’t say no.
How bad is this? Does God hate me now? Will he ever forgive me? Will going to confession and doing plenary indulgences help?
 
Mistaken said:
I was friends with this guy and we were friends with benefits.
He started talking to another girl, and they recently started dating.
Even though he started dating someone else, he still wanted me and I still wanted him.
I told myself though and him that I don’t and won’t cheat or homewreck (when you tell someone to break up with their boyfriend/girlfriend).

We hung out last night, and I honestly did not want to do anything with him and I went over his house not intending on doing anything. But I have had the problem for a few years now that I am not assertive and I don’t stand up for myself, even when I need to. I put other people first and try to please everyone else around me. So because I had a hard time saying no to him, we ended up giving each other oral sex.
Part of the reason why I did it was because I was laying in his bed and he was telling me that we were already being bad by being in the same bed together, so it probably wouldn’t hurt any more if we just gave each other oral sex. I also did it because he gave me oral sex first, and I didn’t want him to be the only guilty one in the situation.

I feel so horrible and sad and guilty, and he doesn’t. I am planning on going to confession and talking to my priest about it, and I want to do plenary indulgences. I did not want this happening, I did not plan on doing anything with him, I just have a hard time being assertive. He was the one who wanted to do things, and I couldn’t say no.
How bad is this? Does God hate me now? Will he ever forgive me? Will going to confession and doing plenary indulgences help?
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You need to go to confession. Of course God will forgive you. He forgives anyone, no matter how great the sin, if they repent.

One question, though. You say you were “friends with benefits” and even after he started dating someone else, you still “wanted” each other. That reads like you relationship was/is basically sexual. Why were you OK with fornicating then, but not now? That ongoing relationship is a bigger moral problem than a one time failing.

If you want to live chastely you should not see this man, ever. Don’t date anyone unless you are discerning marriage with them.

But, long-story-short, go to Confession.

God Bless
 
Of course God will forgive you; you are intent on going to confession and making reparations for the sin. I think the best advice I can give you is to not associate with him until you become strong enough to control your urges and become more assertive.

I’m also concerned with the situation that led to the sin. It appears (to me) to be borderline rape, as you were not intent on sleeping with him and when he suggested doing so, you went along with it only because you didn’t want him to be the only guilty party. It seems like coercion and not complete consent on your part. Or am I just over-thinking it?

In the meantime, I am hoping you become more in control and get a grasp on assertiveness so you do not fall back into sin. God bless.
 
Immacolata said:
Of course God will forgive you; you are intent on going to confession and making reparations for the sin. I think the best advice I can give you is to not associate with him until you become strong enough to control your urges and become more assertive.

I’m also concerned with the situation that led to the sin. It appears (to me) to be borderline rape, as you were not intent on sleeping with him and when he suggested doing so, you went along with it only because you didn’t want him to be the only guilty party. It seems like coercion and not complete consent on your part. Or am I just over-thinking it?

In the meantime, I am hoping you become more in control and get a grasp on assertiveness so you do not fall back into sin. God bless.
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I think you’re over thinking it. It doesn’t sound like any actual coercion was used, and it sounds like they’ve done this kind of stuff a lot. Nothing really screams “rape” and rape is a horrible accusation, and we shouldn’t make it lightly.

God Bless
 
He did not rape me.
I was torn because I wanted to do stuff with him, but I knew it was wrong, but because I’m not assertive and I knew that if I said no he would’ve gotten mad at me, I still did it.
I wanted to do stuff with him if he was single! Not now.
 
bilop said:
I think you’re over thinking it. It doesn’t sound like any actual coercion was used, and it sounds like they’ve done this kind of stuff a lot. Nothing really screams “rape” and rape is a horrible accusation, and we shouldn’t make it lightly.

God Bless
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I may be slightly. Rape is a horrible accusation to make, but more of a horrible crime to commit. I’m not saying he committed rape against her, but I just wanted to know because I couldn’t make out a lot from the story that was told and from what I read, it seemed like a little coercion was used. Not physical, but mental.
Mistaken said:
He did not rape me.
I was torn because I wanted to do stuff with him, but I knew it was wrong, but because I’m not assertive and I knew that if I said no he would’ve gotten mad at me, I still did it.
I wanted to do stuff with him if he was single! Not now.
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I see. Do you know if he would have gotten mad or were you just thinking of possibilities? I think you should avoid him until you are a stronger, more assertive person and won’t fall into sin so easily. That’s my best advice I can give. God bless.
 
Yes, I know that he would’ve gotten mad, or at least a little upset.
Before he gave me oral sex, he told me that if he did it to me, I should probably do it to him.
 
Mistaken said:
Yes, I know that he would’ve gotten mad, or at least a little upset.
Before he gave me oral sex, he told me that if he did it to me, I should probably do it to him.
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That’s why I said what I did - there seemed to be a little coercion (as in, mental coercion) in the situation that led to your sin being committed - “if I do it to you, you should probably do it to me” - I was thinking if I had more specifics I would get a clearer image on the situation because I couldn’t read much on what was said originally. God bless, and continue making your reparations for your sin.
 
Mistaken said:
I was friends with this guy and we were friends with benefits.
He started talking to another girl, and they recently started dating.
Even though he started dating someone else, he still wanted me and I still wanted him.
I told myself though and him that I don’t and won’t cheat or homewreck (when you tell someone to break up with their boyfriend/girlfriend).
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I can only imagine what you’re going through. You’re in a really tough spot. Did you participate? Yes, but so did he. And he’s the cheater. It’s important to own your actions, and to be honest with yourself about what motivates you to act in a way that makes you so clearly unhappy.
We hung out last night, and I honestly did not want to do anything with him and I went over his house not intending on doing anything.
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So reading this sentence, it tells me that something other than sex makes you want to be with him. Maybe you’re guilty, like me (I’m divorced and again single), of desperately wanting to connect to another human being in a real way. You went without intention to hook up, so it sounds like you value the relationship, and that the physical stuff is interfering with that relationship.
But I have had the problem for a few years now that I am not assertive and I don’t stand up for myself, even when I need to. I put other people first and try to please everyone else around me. So because I had a hard time saying no to him, we ended up giving each other oral sex.
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It sounds as though people don’t treat you particularly well. And maybe that you don’t believe that you have a right to be happy on your own terms. Being a pleaser is something I spent much of my life doing. I know that for me, I always felt like I should stay in a relationship because it was something I should do… and I’d tell myself that someday, things would change and eventually the relationship would make me happy.

So you hooked up with him. Was it because you were afraid that if you said no, he would not value you as a person? Sounds like he’s been giving you the impression that he values the sex and the physicality that you offer, but without the sex, he won’t think very much of you. But is that how he really feels? Or is that what you’re telling yourself?
Part of the reason why I did it was because I was laying in his bed and he was telling me that we were already being bad by being in the same bed together, so it probably wouldn’t hurt any more if we just gave each other oral sex.
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But you always have a choice. Laying in bed with him isn’t the same as going down. Did you believe what he said? Or did that make you think that you owed him something for being affectionate with you?

It’s very telling that you made him the actor in the title of this thread: “HE cheated on her WITH ME.” Just in terms of the basic grammar, he’s the one capable of making choices, you’re just the object he uses to cheat on his lady. Where is the “I”? You’re not an object, you’re a human being with worth and value and love to give, whom God loves profoundly. Please recognize that in yourself!
I also did it because he gave me oral sex first, and I didn’t want him to be the only guilty one in the situation.
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But you let him give you oral sex. Him going down on you didn’t mean that he was the only actor. Your following up is just a matter of sexual reciprocity – he pleased you and you felt like you needed to please him too. But were you really happy during any of it?
I feel so horrible and sad and guilty, and he doesn’t.
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You’re not living your life the way you want to live it. Please, be honest with yourself about what makes you happy. What are you looking for in a man? Someone who seems to only value you for your body? Or are you looking for someone who will love you for the real you, the one that doesn’t want to have sex with a guy who doesn’t seem to try or be able to understand you?
I am planning on going to confession and talking to my priest about it, and I want to do plenary indulgences. I did not want this happening, I did not plan on doing anything with him, I just have a hard time being assertive. He was the one who wanted to do things, and I couldn’t say no.
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Confession is a good start, and I hope your priest has a good sense of pastoral care for women in your situation. But I don’t think you should be simply confessing that you’ve been hooking up with a guy in a relationship. How have you been valuing yourself? You have a right to be happy, and if you’re going to be honest with Jesus Christ about what’s making you feel guilty, you need to be honest with yourself about what makes you happy.
How bad is this?
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It’s bad, but not the end of the world. You made a mistake. You’re human. The real sin will be not recognizing how YOU are treating YOURSELF, and living like you owe your body to a guy who doesn’t really seem to love you for all that you are.
Does God hate me now? Will he ever forgive me? Will going to confession and doing plenary indulgences help?
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No, God loves you. Yes, he’ll forgive you. Yes, going to confession will help, but you shouldn’t treat is as a one-shot get-out-of-jail-free card.

If you’re going to truly change your heart, you’ve got a long road ahead. I suggest you write down the people who you trust the most in the world. Then pick one of them and tonight have a serious heart-to-heart about what you’re really feeling. People who love you will want to help you out through this. You’ll need other people to help you stop believing lies you’ve told yourself.

You are a blessed child of God, and it’s important to keep that in mind. In the Gospel of Luke 7:36-50, the person who anointed Jesus and literally made him “Christ” (meaning “the anointed one”) was a “sinful woman.” Look it up!
 
Welcome to the forums, Mistaken.

Of course God does not hate you. He may have been disappointed, as He is when *all *of us sin. But Confession is truly a powerful sacrament, so long as the desire to commit that particular sin no more is sincere.

My advice is that you do not go to his house or invite him to your house if the two of you will be alone. Not to cast doubt upon what your intentions were that night, but I think that sometimes our subconscious desires pull at us even though our rational minds decide upon a different course. I imagine that unless your friend grows a third eyeball in his forehead, you’ll still likely still feel an unconscious sexual pull toward him, at least for a while, especially since you each received physical pleasure from each other before. . . despite what your head and your conscience is telling you now.

You’re on the right path by recognizing the wrong and wanting to atone for it. In the mean time… . . . .best not to play with fire.👍
 
Go to confession, stay far away from this man, and if you were (as you said) willing to do things with him and not feel bad about it if he were single, you need to really do a LOT of praying.
 
Hi there 🙂

I think this is about guts, (and self-sacrifice). Your account says that you’re Catholic. If you’re feeling guilty about what you’ve done then that’s a good sign that your conscience is working. Go to Confession, by all means, but please realize that you have to go with the intention of not doing this again. As someone above posted, “friends with benefits” is largely sexual, so I’m thinking you’ve done stuff like this more than once. Go to Confession if you know you want to end this lifestyle and give it all up to be the woman God made you to be.
Then the second hard part begins, you must break the news to your “friend” that you don’t believe in this/don’t want to do this anymore. If he’s a good friend, he’ll respect that, thereby respecting you. If he’s not, he’ll get mad, probably mock you for ‘flip-flopping’ and this will be so much harder for you, but it will be necessary that you make it clear you choose yourself and your values over him. If he doesn’t accept it, cut him off. Say no, it ain’t gunna happen, and give him time to get over it.
What you need is a healthy dose of courage and fortitude, and so do we all to combat the temptations of this world. Good luck my sister, fight the good fight! I’ll be praying 4 u.
 
I think this is the perfect time to start getting serious about your faith. You are already taking the first step by knowing this is wrong. Secondly, you should start by not talking to this guy. As a guy, I hate when my fellow men do this to women. They lead them on even, when they know they can’t. Anyway, don’t ever talk to him, because he’s probably the typical scumbag who’ll try to get in your pants again. Thirdly, go to confession. I think other posters have stated this well. Lastly, start going to more masses and holy hours and other Catholic events, and start reading as much as you can about the faith. In doing this, hopefully you will learn how a true Catholic Christian behaves and will know what to look for and where to look. I know its a tough road, and I can’t imagine what its like to be in your situation (i’m a 23 year old man who’s never had a gf, let alone sex). Just remember God loves you know matter what.

Ben
 
Thank you everyone. I honestly just want a clean slate. I want to go even further than just going to Confession, because I want to do plenary indulgences for not only myself but for my friend too, because he’s worrying me because he’s saying that he doesn’t really think what we did was wrong. I’m just scared that the plenary indulgences won’t work.
 
This is a serious matter. God still loves you, and He will forgive you through the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Go with a truly repentant heart. Go to Mass more often. I found that when I started going to Mass a couple during the week other than Sunday, it was easier to fight certain temptations. Pray for this young man, his new girlfriend and their relationship. Also, what kind of plenary indulgences do you have in mind???

One other thing, it is best to avoid this young man. Tell him, that for your sake and his, you can no longer participate in these activities and that the realtionship ends NOW! Block his number from your phone. Do not answer his calls or texts. Delete and block him on facebook and twitter if you have these accounts. Don’t worry if he gets mad at you - this is your eternal soul we’re talking about!
 
Yes, please go to Confession and talk with the priest. In the confessional, some priests more or less try to move the line along, but please try to get some advice for your situation. Be specific and ask for guidance.

Sexual acts outside of marriage are wrong, even if both of you are single.

This may be a bit technical, but you can only offer a plenary indulgence for yourself of for someone who has died. You cannot gain an indulgence for someone else who is living (mostly due to the fact that people need to cooperate to receive it and there’s no guarantee another person would have the proper disposition). But of course that does not mean you can’t still pray for them. It is certainly very beneficial to do so.
 
Catholic_Wife said:
One other thing, it is best to avoid this young man. Tell him, that for your sake and his, you can no longer participate in these activities and that the realtionship ends NOW! Block his number from your phone. Do not answer his calls or texts. Delete and block him on facebook and twitter if you have these accounts. Don’t worry if he gets mad at you - this is your eternal soul we’re talking about!
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👍 Yep – this!

He’s proven that he’s willing to take advantage of you. He’s proven that he’s willing to mess around with other girls, even when he’s dating someone. Is this really the kind of guy you want to date?
 
Delaine75 said:
Go to confession, stay far away from this man, and if you were (as you said) willing to do things with him and not feel bad about it if he were single, you need to really do a LOT of praying.
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An important issue is raised here. What the OP did is not wrong b/c the guy was dating someone else, it was wrong b/c it’s fornication.

Fornication with your exclusive boyfriend is just as sinful as fornication with someone else’s boyfriend.

God Bless
 
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