He doesnt want to get married in the Church

[PatienceAndLove]

You must have a very miserable life.

shrug Being in a mixed marriage, I feel that I have a point of view that can provide this young lady with a specific view point (IE: a Catholic married to a non-Catholic. In addition to that, a Catholic married to a non-Catholic who does not support the Catholic’s faith). She asked for advice. I gave it. You don’t like my advice. Sorry, but I will not change it. This is one issue I DO NOT compromise on.

My Fiancee is Catholic and I am no longer (Former Catholic), and I love her. According to you, she needs to break up with me? Love is all that matters, everything else is irrelevant. Religion is a personal matter, If two people love each other… so what? Who cares what church your partner goes to? Do everybody a favor and stop projecting your miserable life on other happy people.

If your fiance were to come to a PUBIC forum and ask for advice, yes I would give the same advice.
AND I would care because it is my job as my husbands wife to get him to Heaven. The Church is the source and summit of Truth. It is the pillar of truth. It is the Bride of Christ. How could I, in all good conscience, allow him to go to an ecclesiastical community that only contained part of the Truth?

Who are you to judge anybody, anyway? Some armchair prophet? Do yourself a favor and step away from the keyboard

Sorry you don’t like my advice

 

[PatienceAndLove]

You said and I quote : “Sorry to be harsh, but no man is worth sacrificing your immortal soul, or the immortal souls of your future children.”

And like I just said, why abandon the source and summit of Truth?

How would she be sacrificing the souls of her children by letting them belong to a Christian community just b/c it isn’t Catholic.

Because she would be allowing her children to turn their backs on the Church that Jesus founded. She would be allowing her children to only have part of the Truth, rather than all of the Truth. As I just said. How can someone, in good conscience, allow this?
It KILLS me every day that my agnostic husband finds my faith stupid and useless. That he feels that my devotion to Our Lord and His Mother is worthless and unfounded. That he will not go to Church with me. Yes, he will allow me to raise any children we have Catholic, but he will not help me. As his wife, I MUST get him to Heaven, as he must do for me. But I am the one doing the work. He could care less. I FEAR for the OP that this may happen to her.

 

[PatienceAndLove]

I apologize for having an unpopular view, but I have experience, as we all do, that forms my unique view points.
The OP asked for advice, I gave it.

And I am not the only one who gave such advice, but I was the only one who stated it bluntly. I apologize for being blunt, but I WILL NOT apologize for what I said. It is what I think is right, and I said it because I worry for the OP and for her future.

 

[Just_wondering]

Don’t marry this man.
In fact, break up with him now.

Sorry to be harsh, but no man is worth sacrificing your immortal soul, or the immortal souls of your future children.

How would she be sacrificing the souls of her children by letting them belong to a Christian community just b/c it isn’t Catholic. I don’t understand. I was protestant for 23 years. I enjoy the Catholic church and feel it is the original church but i’m not saying Protestants don’t believe in Christ or are risking their immortal souls just b/c they aren’t Catholic. Her only problem was that her boyfriend is a Christian but not Catholic. Not that he is some pagan or something where they really would be risking their souls.

I don’t think Patience and Love meant that allowing the children to be raised Protestant is risking their immortal souls exactly. I think the issue is that you’re allowing doubt and contradictions to enter the children’s religious educations. In my opinion, that leads to confusion and the idea that religion and truth are subjective. That, in turn, will put the children’s souls in peril, in that they are not trained to recognize Truth when they see it. They learn that the rules are different for everyone.

My Fiancee is Catholic and I am no longer (Former Catholic), and I love her. According to you, she needs to break up with me? Love is all that matters, everything else is irrelevant. Religion is a personal matter, If two people love each other… so what? Who cares what church your partner goes to?

I beg to disagree. Love is important in marriage, but so many other things matter just as much. Respect for the religious beliefs of your spouse would be absolutely necessary, in my opinion, if you don’t share the same faith. I hope that my future husband doesn’t just tolerate my beliefs - I would hope that he would love me because of them, and accept my beliefs as an integral part of myself. In fact, I hope there’s nothing about my beliefs that causes my boyfriend to say “so what?” - you should care what church your partner goes to, just as you should care where they work, how they feel, and what kind of relationship they have with their family. When you’re married, it’s your job to care.

The concern I have with the OP’s relationship is that it seems that her fiance views her religion as an obstacle or hoops to jump through, rather than part of her being. It’s for that reason, not for the existence of the religious differences, that I agree that the OP should consider whether she really wants to be in this relationship.

 

[Just_wondering]

If your fiance were to come to a PUBIC forum and ask for advice, yes I would give the same advice.

Might want to edit that to make it “public” if you still can!

 

[Carolinagirl411]

I apologize for having an unpopular view, but I have experience, as we all do, that forms my unique view points.
The OP asked for advice, I gave it.

And I am not the only one who gave such advice, but I was the only one who stated it bluntly. I apologize for being blunt, but I WILL NOT apologize for what I said. It is what I think is right, and I said it because I worry for the OP and for her future.

You shouldn’t apologize. Even though people don’t agree it is your opinion and you shouldn’t apologize for your opinion. I understand where you are coming from. It saddens me that this happens and mixed marriages do have hardships. I just don’t think they all have to be that way b/c I have seen plenty of wonderful examples. Maybe her boyfriend will come around and see the light, so to speak.

 

[KCtheMommy]

Stop.

Just stop.

He is a loving and good man, but he might not be the right loving and good man for you.

No matter what you believe on who “gets to heaven,” this is going to mess with you major – later on.

Just stop. Take a breather. THINK ABOUT IT.
If he loves you as much as you love him, well…

… it seems you’re the only one willing to sacrifice, but you’re the only one in the relationship truly not able to sacrifice in Faith.

Better think about that before you plot what a wonderful father he would be. You wont think so when he’s blocking your child’s baptism, and his family is backing him. You’ll be back here crying about “what to do now?”

Just stop, calm down, take a deep breath – and think about it.

 

[Grey007]

I apologize for having an unpopular view, but I have experience, as we all do, that forms my unique view points.
The OP asked for advice, I gave it.

And I am not the only one who gave such advice, but I was the only one who stated it bluntly. I apologize for being blunt, but I WILL NOT apologize for what I said. It is what I think is right, and I said it because I worry for the OP and for her future.

Okay, I’m simply stating… If you have two people that respect each other for their personal beliefs, you shouldn’t have a problem. It’s only a problem if you make it a problem, IMO. That goes for both sides. If both people are perfectly okay with each other having opposing religious views, why can’t there still be a happy marriage?

If I were a Jew, I wouldn’t ask her to come to my synagogue. Or if I were Muslim, I wouldn’t ask her to come to my mosque. Because I respect her views. See where I’m going with this?

I see church as a personal place for you to go and talk to your god, I’m perfectly fine with that. I don’t make it a problem, but It’s not my place anymore.

 

[ChristinaM]

You must have a very miserable life.

My Fiancee is Catholic and I am no longer (Former Catholic), and I love her. According to you, she needs to break up with me? Love is all that matters, everything else is irrelevant. Religion is a personal matter, If two people love each other… so what? Who cares what church your partner goes to? Do everybody a favor and stop projecting your miserable life on other happy people.

Who are you to judge anybody, anyway? Some armchair prophet? Do yourself a favor and step away from the keyboard.

Whoa now, who’s projecting? PatienceandLove gave some very good advice, and she speaks with the voice of experience. Hate to sound like a mean old lady (at 23!) but after 5 short months of marriage, I can tell you that being married is WAY different than dating or even being engaged. It’s a great feeling, living on the clouds while you’re engaged and thinking “love is all you need.” However, marriage is about making it work in the real world. In marriage the two become one and nothing is merely “personal” anymore.

If you are a devout Catholic and your faith is important to you, then being married to a non-Catholic will be very difficult. That is undeniable. I don’t know why people get so worked up when posters here state the plain facts. I sense a lot of defensiveness here. If you’re going to marry outside of the faith, please do it with your eyes open instead of assuming it’s going to be smooth sailing all the way because you’re in love.

 

[agapewolf]

Okay, I’m simply stating… If you have two people that respect each other for their personal beliefs, you shouldn’t have a problem. It’s only a problem if you make it a problem, IMO. That goes for both sides. If both people are perfectly okay with each other having opposing religious views, why can’t there still be a happy marriage?

If I were a Jew, I wouldn’t ask her to come to my synagogue. Or if I were Muslim, I wouldn’t ask her to come to my mosque. Because I respect her views. See where I’m going with this?

I see church as a personal place for you to go and talk to your god, I’m perfectly fine with that. I don’t make it a problem, but It’s not my place anymore.

What’s the problem with opposing religious views? Well, the view on marriage for one. Read the new testement. The purpose of marriage is to get your spouse to heaven, even if it kills you. yes, thats right. Eph 5.

It’s not just living in harmony that we are talking about. We aren’t talking about taste in music. We are talking about the actual purpose and design of marriage. If these huge issues are not ironed out, it will result in disaster later. Church is not a place to just “go talk to GOd”. It is a community of believers, the body of Christ. Receiving the Eucharist…the divinity of Christ. The parameters that gives us the freedom to enter through the narrow way.

 

[Grey007]

Whoa now, who’s projecting? PatienceandLove gave some very good advice, and she speaks with the voice of experience. Hate to sound like a mean old lady (at 23!) but after 5 short months of marriage, I can tell you that being married is WAY different than dating or even being engaged. It’s a great feeling, living on the clouds while you’re engaged and thinking “love is all you need.” However, marriage is about making it work in the real world. In marriage the two become one and nothing is merely “personal” anymore.

If you are a devout Catholic and your faith is important to you, then being married to a non-Catholic will be very difficult. That is undeniable. I don’t know why people get so worked up when posters here state the plain facts. I sense a lot of defensiveness here. If you’re going to marry outside of the faith, please do it with your eyes open instead of assuming it’s going to be smooth sailing all the way because you’re in love.

I was raised a Catholic, was an altar boy for years and received every sacrament but Confirmation. I know many Catholics as well… and I’ve never even considered it an issue to possibly marry somebody of another religion.

The most devout Catholic person I know (My grandmother) is married to a non-religious person. They’ve been together for OVER 50 years.

My Aunt, also a Catholic, has been married to her non-religious husband for over 20 years.

**They don’t make it a problem, therefore it is not a problem. ** This is my point.

Now you might understand my viewpoint a little better.

 

[Salonika]

Grey007:

Love is all that matters, everything else is irrelevant. Religion is a personal matter. If two people love each other … so what? Who cares what church your partner goes to?

Think what is important is how both partners in a marriage (or people considering marriage) view any religious differences. If both can accept the other’s choice, however different, and not go into marriage intending to convert them, then all can be well.

Where religious differences can be a problem is where either one or both partners cannot accept the other’s choice and goes into marriage with the intention to convert the other partner.

This attitude to religious differences, rather the differences themselves, would be a relationship breaker for me because I would not feel respected.

The situation becomes more complicated if either or both parties have to forgo aspects of practicising their religion because they are respecting their partner’s views. Then the person who will be affected needs to decide whether they can deal with this loss or not.

 

[Grey007]

Think what is important is how both partners in a marriage (or people considering marriage) view any religious differences. If both can accept the other’s choice, however different, and not go into marriage intending to convert them, then all can be well.

 

[ChristinaM]

I was raised a Catholic, was an altar boy for years and received every sacrament but Confirmation. I know many Catholics as well… and I’ve never even considered it an issue to possibly marry somebody of another religion.

The most devout Catholic person I know (My grandmother) is married to a non-religious person. They’ve been together for OVER 50 years.

My Aunt, also a Catholic, has been married to her non-religious husband for over 20 years.

**They don’t make it a problem, therefore it is not a problem. ** This is my point.

Now you might understand my viewpoint a little better.

Your aunt and grandma should be congratulated. It takes a lot of work and love to make a lasting marriage. But do you think, in all the time they were married, that they NEVER wished they could share their faith with their husbands, or NEVER had any sort of difficulties or problems related to religion? It is impossible for an outsider (even a close relative) to know exactly what goes on in a marriage. They may have had to deal with issues that they chose not to share with you.

You make it sound as if any problems in an interfaith marriage are caused by one partner just being stubborn and “forcing” religion on the other, and that all the problems can be solved by just going with the flow. If only it were that easy. In a lot of cases the Catholic doing what they are obliged by their faith to do, feels to the other partner like it is being “forced” on them. That causes a lot of tension and strain in a marriage.

And I will say that it takes a lot of respect and understanding by the person of the other faith. I am lucky to have married someone who is not Catholic but has great respect and willingness to learn. He understood my obligations as a Catholic to marry in the church and raise my children in the church. Does the OP’s boyfriend have a similar understanding? It doesn’t seem like it to me. Cruel as it may sound, if this is something that neither of them can compromise on, it may be a “make or break” deal for them.

 

[KCtheMommy]

Think what is important is how both partners in a marriage (or people considering marriage) view any religious differences. If both can accept the other’s choice, however different, and not go into marriage intending to convert them, then all can be well.

Where religious differences can be a problem is where either one or both partners cannot accept the other’s choice and goes into marriage with the intention to convert the other partner.

This attitude to religious differences, rather the differences themselves, would be a relationship breaker for me because I would not feel respected.

The situation becomes more complicated if either or both parties have to forgo aspects of practicising their religion because they are respecting their partner’s views. Then the person who will be affected needs to decide whether they can deal with this loss or not.

Good in theory, and can be practiced – but once children are brought in – whoa – different story.

In my mom and aunt’s day the non-Catholic-men that promised to raise their children Catholic for marriage did just that. Today, people’s promises are delegated to legal terms like “I was under coercion – I didn’t realize what I was saying!”

THINK ABOUT THIS.

Even if you are not thinking about the kids – you better be clear about this before you go into marriage and produce children. Heck! Get it in writing:

“I so-and-so do solemnly swear that by marrying so and so that I will allow and encourage my children to be raised Catholic.”

If they won’t and you still want to marry them – then don’t complain when your kids can’t be baptized (and a priest will not baptize an infant of married folks without the other parent’s consent) or can’t go to CCD.

Either hash this out first and get married, or don’t marry at all – because “hoping for change” isn’t fair to either party.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Quite frankly, it really has a huge effect when the inevitable problems come to a marriage. Catholic teaching discourages divorce very much. And some of the nation’s highest divorce rates are in heavily Protestant areas. Other religions don’t seem to emphasize the restrictions against divorce and remarriage. So that can subtly color someone’s views going in. “If it doesn’t work, I can always get a divorce and remarry.”

No one thinks they’re going into marriage with that attitude. Or their spouse is. But then problems come and suddenly you find the person you are married to really doesn’t believe it’s all that permanent after all. And they feel free to walk away from something that you want to work on because it isn’t just a contract, it’s a vow on the altar of God.

Then you find out why it’s not such a good idea to marry someone who “isn’t in to all those Catholic rules.”

Been there, done that. Got the horrible t-shirt.

 

[ChristinaM]

Either hash this out first and get married, or don’t marry at all – because “hoping for change” isn’t fair to either party.

Excellent advice. No matter what your ultimate conclusion, you have to lay all your cards out on the table before you march on up that aile.

 

[PatienceAndLove]

I don’t think Patience and Love meant that allowing the children to be raised Protestant is risking their immortal souls exactly. I think the issue is that you’re allowing doubt and contradictions to enter the children’s religious educations. In my opinion, that leads to confusion and the idea that religion and truth are subjective. That, in turn, will put the children’s souls in peril, in that they are not trained to recognize Truth when they see it. They learn that the rules are different for everyone.

That’s what I meant

 

[PatienceAndLove]

Might want to edit that to make it “public” if you still can!

I can’t, but I will PM the Fam Life mod

 

[PatienceAndLove]

You shouldn’t apologize. Even though people don’t agree it is your opinion and you shouldn’t apologize for your opinion. I understand where you are coming from. It saddens me that this happens and mixed marriages do have hardships. I just don’t think they all have to be that way b/c I have seen plenty of wonderful examples. Maybe her boyfriend will come around and see the light, so to speak.

Thanks :hug3:
I have the unfortunate blessing of being far more blunt that I should be.