He fell to porn AGAIN!

[duskyjewel]

NO. What Milliardo is advocating is yessisan bribing her husband with sex to behave better. Not only is that disgusting, it hasn’t worked in the past. And she should not be doing ANYTHING that could cause her to have a child with this man. Not right now, and not for years into the future. He needs to get himself straightened out and PROVE he can maintain it before she should even think of allowing him to father her children.

Milliardo, wives are not blow up dolls for the use of their husbands, in order to relieve their sexual tension.
http://bestsmileys.com/puking/2.gif

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Mill…

I cant believe you just said that.
You advice a woman whose husband has beaten her and abused her trust while using porn for years that she should relieve his sexual tension…

that’s just distasteful… try to see if you can understand why.

**Wow, i’m right there with you Grace!!! Like there aren’t any husbands out there who are having tons of “relations” with their wives AND turning to porn at the same time. Kind of smacks of “if you just gave him what he needed he wouldn’t turn to porn”. WRONG on so many levels I don’t even know what to say.

YESSI, please take care of yourself right now, get through your surgery, and deal with this when you are physically healed. Right now just focus on getting through each day (play with your make up) and please PM me if you want to talk. **

 

[Milliardo]

Mill…

I cant believe you just said that.
You advice a woman whose husband has beaten her and abused her trust while using porn for years that she should relieve his sexual tension…

that’s just distasteful… try to see if you can understand why.

There’s nothing distasteful about it, since I have seen many men turn to porn because of a lack of intimacy they feel from their married lives. It’s just telling it as it is. Porn, as I have stated, is an addiction, but it stems from a lack of connection emotionally and/or physically from people. In marriage, it takes two to tango, so to speak; a problem that has happened is not the fault of one person alone. Usually there is also fault from the other end. Knowing that would give the couple much better insight in helping their marriage in the long run. Marriages usually get into trouble since one blames the other party, but is unwilling to look at his/her own fault. Healing comes when both acknowledge their own faults, and work together to heal those faults. It’s not a one-sided problem. It has been with him all his life, but it did come back when he said he felt lonely. Already we can see a clue there.

 

[GratefulDad]

That is true.

We’re not living together, plus the times he has come to see me, I have not been here. My great uncle killed himself so I’ve been spending time with my family - taking my grandpa to see his siblings (it was his brother), taking my grandpa to the memorial service, taking my grandpa to the funeral… Those 3 times he tried to come and see me were the times he searched the internet for that… it’s not that I’m not paying attention to him. We’re not together right now since he’s working on his anger issues, and until those are resolved (if they ever are) we won’t live together.

I do appreciate his efforts, but it still hurts like heck when I find it and he lies about it to my face. But yes, at least it’s just a screen and not with a woman somewhere else.

God Bless our sweet Yessi and all the trials in her life right now.

Yessi, are you going to put up a “Prayer Intention” for your surgery?

 

[yessisan]

Wow, i’m right there with you Grace!!! Like there aren’t any husbands out there who are having tons of “relations” with their wives AND turning to porn at the same time. Kind of smacks of “if you just gave him what he needed he wouldn’t turn to porn”. WRONG on so many levels I don’t even know what to say.

I wrote on the other porn thread started by AHapka that even as newly weds he was doing this. We had only been married for about a month when he started doing that at home! It;s not like I was ignoring him, newlyweds have more sex than any couple! Argh!!!

Feanaro_s_Wife:
**YESSI, please take care of yourself right now, get through your surgery, and deal with this when you are physically healed. Right now just focus on getting through each day (play with your make up) and please PM me if you want to talk. **
I wish I could play with my EM, but I haven’t ordered the things in my cart! I only have 7 e/s and my samples…

 

[tc2011]

…It has been with him all his life…

Sexual addictions have been grounds for many an annulment.

…even as newly weds he was doing this. We had only been married for about a month when he started doing that at home!..

Ibid.

Just sayin.

 

[yessisan]

God Bless our sweet Yessi and all the trials in her life right now.

Yessi, are you going to put up a “Prayer Intention” for your surgery?

I thought about it but then thought it’d be a bit selfish?

 

[yessisan]

Ok, I’m done for reals with this thread. I hope Zelie closes it soon. I’m not here to be beaten with a bat to be told that it’s my fault he’s looking at porn since his sexual tension isn’t being relieved.

I’m unsubscribing from it.

 

[duskyjewel]

Milliardo, read the rest of this thread. Look up some of yessisan’s other threads. This man is not only addicted to porn, he has been physically abusive, which is why she is not living with him. He refuses to hold people accountable when they won’t pay him for his work, throwing his family into financial ruin. He was cruel to her after her miscarriage. He brings over his JW friends to their house and lets them bash Catholicism and Catholics in front of her.

There are some things that cannot be excused or fixed. What you are suggesting is that this woman should go home, get beat, be ignored in favor of porn, live in a financially unpredictable situation due to her husband’s irresponsibility, and still give him sex as her duty and to try to bribe him into behaving well. This is not only despicable and disgusting, it is NOT Catholic teaching. STOP.

 

[GratefulDad]

I thought about it but then thought it’d be a bit selfish?

Yessi, you are a Forum “Greeter”, “Prayer Warrior” and “Supporter”. Plus you have all those great girl friends who would love to ask the Holy Spirit to lift you up. Our Lord loves hearing the prayers of His children. If you don’t put up a “Prayer Intention” someone else just might.

 

[tc2011]

…This is not only despicable and disgusting, it is NOT Catholic teaching. STOP.

Actually, the obligation of one spouse to receive the other spouse is Catholic teaching, and other points Milliardo makes are entirely legitimate.

However, it’s also worth noting (and I apologize that I hadn’t seen this earlier), that yessisan’s significant other appears to have been addicted to pornography/sexual perversions for some time even before their marriage ceremony. I’m going to go out on a very short and sturdy limb and suggest that yessisan’s significant other was incapable of giving himself freely in marriage. So, that has a bundle of implications…

 

[kage_ar]

I thought about it but then thought it’d be a bit selfish?

Dear, your self esteem has been drained out of you. Remember you are the daughter of God, and you are worthy of prayers.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Dear, your self esteem has been drained out of you. Remember you are the daughter of God, and you are worthy of prayers.

**I agree. Now if you wanted all of us to pray for you so that you could get the blue car instead of the red one because blue would match your brand new purse, then you MIGHT be a little selfish.

But asking for prayers so that your surgery and recovery go well??? Ask away!!! You already have mine and I’m sure prayers from everyone here who knows you. It would be even better to have more prayers from all of those beautiful people who are just waiting to pray for you, if only you would ask.**

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

I thought about it but then thought it’d be a bit selfish?

Awe, yessisan, you ask for prayers whenever you need them, don’t ever worry about asking for too many prayers, we are brothers and sisters in Christ, and who doesn’t want to do whatever they can to help out their sister?

 

[dulcissima]

Yessi, God wants us to take our needs to him in prayer, and the Bible does ask us in numerous places to pray for each other. We are all honored to pray for you…please always let us know what your needs are.

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thine intercession was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother; to thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me.

Amen.

 

[Dameedna]

Yes, I know it makes sense. I studied this in college while getting my Psych degree. I was going to say Dameedna sounded like on of my Psych teachers.

I studied all of this in cognitive psych how the brain programs itself according to what its been conditioned to.

Well, if he were just up to talking to someone about this particular problem… I just don’t know.

Anywho, I’ve tried both the calm and the angry way of talking before, and I know I get somewhere when I talked to him calmly.

He probably can’t talk about it easily, because it bothers him greatly. The confusing thing is that it also 'excites" him, and he doesn’t WANT to give it up. Most people don’t want to give up something that makes them feel good, even if it’s disturbing. That’s what addiction is.

I find that often, if a person doesn’t really think they can overcome it, they hide it. It’s a very helpless way to feel, in a sense and the shame and hopelessness leads us to just cover it up.

I tried talking to him about this when we spoke last night, but he is ashamed and cannot tell me why he does it.

He probably doesn’t know. I’ve a friend who recently told me he watched a movie that had a violent rape scene in it. Actually it was more a scene leading up to rape, where the rape was never actually visuallized. He was appalled by the scene, intellectually and morally horrified by it. He was MORE appalled by the fact, that he got excited by it. He had to go for a run, and was so, unbelievably ashamed and didn’t understand it and he didn’t tell anyone but me. He was so…just…completely confused and disturbed. But he still “felt” what he felt.

We can be “made” to feel things, because those people that sell us images, have people who study human behaviour advising them on how to “catch” people or “interest” people.

They are ONLY focussed on money, and they will manipulate a relatively unsusspecting public.

This is what porn does. They are NOT liberating us sexually, they are making money from our human (natural) desires.

He did say that it has nothing to do with me, and that he hadn’t done it in a long time, it’s just that he feel again since he has been alone for so long.

He’s right. It has nothing to do with you. He’s probably more upset by the fact that he can’t respond to you and love you, when he does resond to porn.He just doesn’t know WHY this is happening, and he may feel, weak and stupid.Those porn producers know what they are doing.

He is not, however a victim in all this and he can help himself.

I did remind him that the porn hurts me a lot, and that I feel betrayed every time, I told him about what Jesus said regarding lust… As the men and Jess have told me here, it’s hard to kick the habit/addiction and if we were to ever fix things between us, it’d be something I’ll have to live with since he will fall again.

Telling him about Jesus(since he’s not overerly religious) isn’t going to help. It’s the wrong approach. Rather than quote jesus, try and emulate him yourself. Jesus didn’t live, so that he could teach us how to reprimand others. He lived, so that we knew how to live correctly ourselves and respond to people in trouble with kindness and not judgement.

It is hard to kick this habit and you have to make a decision, as to wether or not you can deal with his problem. I’m of the mindset personally, that if some-one is affecting me terribly to the point my life is too painful, I will only give them so much time, then I will move on.

I’m not judging them, but I won’t give up my life for them.

The problem with conditions like this is that viewing of porn is seen as a moral judgment. IE, he’s a revolting foul disguisting human being that needs punishment for his perverted mind.

This kind of “judgemental” attitude that he’s been exposed to doesn’t help. He has a problem, and it’s not totally his fault. A young male, exposed to porn is going to be VERY confused, and have his whole reality shaped by it. THAT’s not actually his fault, and there IS hope for him.

But…he has to still make a choice. Live normally, with a long period of struggle, therapy and hurt…or live life in this way that is ultimately making him miserable. I really agree with the christian concept that we can hate the sin,but not the sinner. There is a reason jesus said, those that have not sinned, cast the first stone. We can’t treat this problem, as though the sinner, is beyond help and by default bad.

He is doing this for a reason. Give him some information, read some books about it. It may be a huge relief to him, to realize he is so VERY much not alone. Many men go through this and there are even support groups available.

The porn industry is devastating for men. It is very visual(like men) and is highly sexual(like men). It’s beyond destructive, and society has done this to itself.

Time we help society to heal

 

[Dameedna]

Ah, now it’s clear why he turns to porn. Of course, he will turn to porn since it’s his outlet for whatever sexual tensions he has. This is natural, especially for a man. I can see now why he is turning to porn, to let out that tension. I think you need to talk to him about it, and perhaps spend time with him as well (I won’t go into details about that, but you know what that should imply). That would ease his craving for porn, if not totally eliminate it. Spend time with him so he can forget porn.

The reason in part that he turns to porn is because it stimulates him and excites him in a way that requires no effort on his part. He is getting something for free. Thought it’s never free. It also triggers feelings he’s not used to, feelings that are very exciting.

I do agree that a man can resort to porn if he is in a relationship with a woman that is not physical even if he wants it to be and even if it SHOULD be(IE they are married)

That doesn’t mean he should resort to porn, since it doesn’t fix the problem. I will say it is interesting to discuss male sexual needs. They are a higher priority on average for men than for women. Women, do need to understand this.

But it isnt 'a womans fault a man turns to porn anymore than it’s her fault that he hits her if he’s angry.

You can’t 'forget" porn by being with your wife. The entire point of Porn, is to entice you AWAY for the familiar(your wife) and excite you with something different.

He has to make a choice.

 

[Simon_X]

The reason in part that he turns to porn is because it stimulates him and excites him in a way that requires no effort on his part. He is getting something for free. Thought it’s never free. It also triggers feelings he’s not used to, feelings that are very exciting.

I do agree that a man can resort to porn if he is in a relationship with a woman that is not physical even if he wants it to be and even if it SHOULD be(IE they are married)

That doesn’t mean he should resort to porn, since it doesn’t fix the problem. I will say it is interesting to discuss male sexual needs. They are a higher priority on average for men than for women. Women, do need to understand this.

But it isnt 'a womans fault a man turns to porn anymore than it’s her fault that he hits her if he’s angry.

You can’t 'forget" porn by being with your wife. The entire point of Porn, is to entice you AWAY for the familiar(your wife) and excite you with something different.

He has to make a choice.

Again, Dameedna makes great points and sense. Am I missing something (a lot of posts on this), but is the husband willing to seek help and stop this behavior, or is he hiding it so he can continue without Yessisian knowing about it?

Kind of makes a lot of difference.

My prayers are to with Yessisan.

 

[BeeSweet]

Ah, now it’s clear why he turns to porn. Of course, he will turn to porn since it’s his outlet for whatever sexual tensions he has. This is natural, especially for a man. I can see now why he is turning to porn, to let out that tension. I think you need to talk to him about it, and perhaps spend time with him as well (I won’t go into details about that, but you know what that should imply). That would ease his craving for porn, if not totally eliminate it. Spend time with him so he can forget porn.

This sort of attitude is fuel for the problem of porn in our society. There’s nothing natural about porn or the use of it, and there’s no “of course” for anyone to turn to porn for any reason. It’s completely and utterly disordered.

We don’t even live together right now.

This is the 5th time I’ve caught it!

So, I searched and searched the computer’s files, and guess what??? There were a ton of hidden files that he deleted from the history, but if you know about computers, NOTHING gets erased permanently, it’s still on your hard drive. Well, there were pictues and pictures and more videos and what not!!!

I’m so upset! I feel so betrayed again. :crying: How am I supposed to trust him when he does this again? He thinks I’m stupid and won’t know when he does it.

He’s vandalizing your property when he comes in and looks at porn on your computer. He doesn’t even live with you, and he’s doing this in your home while you’re away. It’s total disrespect Yessi. I’d like to tell you to change the locks, but I don’t know if you can do that.

You feel betrayed because he has betrayed you, you can not trust someone who lies to your face. He may or may not think your stupid, but either way he definitely does not have respect for you. You really must emotionally divest yourself from this person. I pray you have the strength to do so. God bless you Yessi.

 

[teme]

Ah, now it’s clear why he turns to porn. Of course, he will turn to porn since it’s his outlet for whatever sexual tensions he has. This is natural, especially for a man. I can see now why he is turning to porn, to let out that tension. I think you need to talk to him about it, and perhaps spend time with him as well (I won’t go into details about that, but you know what that should imply). That would ease his craving for porn, if not totally eliminate it. Spend time with him so he can forget porn.

Wow, I didn’t realize my DW was really my outlet for sexual tensions, rather than a partner to help me grow closer to heaven, and bring our children to heaven as well. I’ll be sure to tell her that tonight when she gets back from CHRP. I hope you can see the dripping sarcasm…

It probably wasn’t your intent to tell Yessi, or anyone, that men will turn to porn if they’re not getting enough lovin’ at home. I’m sure you rather are trying to suggest that there may be deep problems in their marriage (which seems true), and working on those might be useful. It sounds like Yessi is already following that path.

Now, allow me to jump on my soapbox…

The mindset that seemed to be behind the language in this post, to relieve his sexual tension, is a fine example of how the devil has corrupted society. If we, as good Christians, even fall to the idea that it’s natural for a man to turn to some sexual outlet if not satisfied by his wife, we’ve fallen prey to the evil one. My wife is not here so I can have an easier time sleeping, or feel less stress. It’s wonderful when we can both share in physical extasy and release! :extrahappy: But, she’s with me as a gift from God, so I may help her along the way to Heaven, not so she can help me keep a fresh supply of seed.

True, Catholic teaching does provide that married couples be open to each other when there aren’t impediments. But, we should not understand this literally to mean, “If he wants it, she has to give it”. This, I believe, is a perversion of the intent.

Husbands are to be gifts to their wives, emptying themselves physically and spiritually as Christ did for His Church. We all need to understand that part of that self-giving is a self-sacrificial love, that sometimes he must sacrifice his desire for sexual relations as a sign of his love and devotion to his wife. By the same token, each must discern whether to accept the advances of the other, understanding that sexual relations are an opportunity for a physical release, but primarily a chance to give each other pleasure and grow closer to each other. Neither husband nor wife are obligated to do something they aren’t willing, but rather they should consider whether each would enjoy the act for its both unitive and procreative intent.

Picture this situation. A man is hoping for a wonderful night where he gives himself to his wife. She’s not interested. He says “you know, as my wife, you’re obligated because I’m your husband.” She lies there for a while as her husband has his way. Does that sound like the self-sacrificing love a husband is called to? I think not. He’s done nothing but use his wife, while she’s allowed him to take part of her dignity by being used, which most likely, will make her less willing the next time he asks…

Now, personally would I like to have relations as often as I wished. Of course! And is that more often than it happens currently? No comment… But, I enjoy my intimate time as a chance to be sure DW enjoys climax as well. In that embrace, she shares the chance of a new life, as well as a mind-blowing experience.

While my body may want something else, when she’s not in the mood, I know that her pleasure is lessened from the act - which disrespects God’s intention, and renders the act no longer self-sacrificing on my part. Rather than turning to porn, myself, or anyone else, this “dry time” becomes my opportunity to offer that bit of redemptive suffering for another, and think of ways I can be more loving and romantic so next time, she’ll be more than willing!