He wont marry me

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*Gaby…it is easy for many of us to sit here and tell you to leave him, or do this or that. I know that change is never easy, even in bite size amounts. Maybe asking him to leave would be hard, but as a Christian, I’d highly recommend to stop sleeping with him. That would be done. You know that. You know what to do, but it’s HARD to do it. I know, it can be very very hard to make changes …to a degree, you are used to the status quo. It is very hard to do an about face, when you have put the cart before the horse for so long. I sympathize with you…I have never been in your situation, but there are things in my life that I wish I could take back…but, it’s never too late to change. What’s done is done. You have accepted this for a long time, go to confession, pray…and stop sleeping with him. Again, if he has a freak out fit, and threatens to leave you…then, you have your answer.

I’m sure after nine years, you and he have talked about his reasons for not wanting to get married…why he isn’t ready, and so on. You can share those with us or not, I imagine you have had those discussions at great length. But, know that only you control what you continue to let go on.

YOU GET WHAT YOU ACCEPT. I believe Dale Carnegie said that, at one point in his life. So very true. We blame others for how they treat us, but we only get what we in fact, accept. So take bite sized steps…immediately tell him, I don’t feel right about sleeping with you not being married to you. This is NOT a way to get you to marry me, but at this point, I’ve left my morals at the door long enough for you, and I can’t do that anymore. (something like that, lol not trying to tell you what to say, but that would be the general idea) If he says…well, I’m outta here then. I’d say…bye.

You can’t be afraid to stand up for what you believe in. Fear has a way of causing us to do and accept things that are so wrong for us, morally. Fear is a mechanism of the devil, not of God. So, kick that devil out of your head…and be strong in the Lord. As long as you are following the Commandments, and the teachings of our Lord, you can never go wrong. It WILL sting for a while…just know that. Don’t let that sting of change, keep you sleeping with a man out of wedlock. That’s my thoughts for the day.

Hugs to you! :console:*
 
FlyingFish, marriage offers financial protection to the wife and kids. Any assets accumulated in the marriage are legally hers too. The obligations to provide for her and the child are different. She’s spent 9 years buying stuff with him. If he walked now, she stands to lose the most financially. Divorce laws were made to protect the mothers and children from men just wandering off. After a certain number of years of marriage, 10 in many places, less in others, he would owe her alimony for a few years to make up for time she took off work to take care of his child. There are inheritance laws and property settlement laws that would benefit her if he tried to walk away.

As it is now, it’s the difference between buying a house and renting one. It’s much easier to disappear in the middle of the night in one instance than the other.

And in many places, she could have a houseful of children with him and still not be allowed in the hospital room with him in an emergency because she is considered nothing. If an apartment is rented in his name, he could kick her out much more easily because her name isn’t on a title or a deed or a rental agreement. If she’s driving a car that’s in his name, he could take that away.

Sure he could do that in a divorce, but it would be harder.

And right now he’s free to date right under her nose and it’s not even adultery.
 
I think his attitude indicates that marriage means something to him, something different than his present arrangement.
 
GabbieDear said:
and we have been dating for nine years!!!
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no and he is not going to. He has no commitment to your or your child. Please see a lawyer today to secure the rights of your child, and take care of yourself, please make an appointment with your priest today to take care of your immortal soul and that of your child. If either of these persons suggest it, or if other wise people have made you consider it, also see a counsellor to find out why you have stayed in this going-nowhere relationship and why you continue to allow yourself to be used for this man’s convenience. No good Baptist who believes in what his religion teaches behaves this way, either.
 
flyingfish said:
Why doesn’t he want to marry you? For all intents and purposes you are married, you live together, you have a child, you share things. You have been together for 9 years, that is longer than a lot of marriages last.

I don’t think you should leave him. It sounds like he has some strange psychological issues with marriage, because in all ways but one he is committed and married.

What explanations does he give? Would he be willing to see a counselor? How would he react if you told him you couldn’t have sex with him until you were married?
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I think this is complex because he is the father of her child… so just up and leaving is not just going to impact the OP but her child as well. However, I think the reason he won’t marry is kind of clear. She’s already given him everything without marriage. So he’s getting all the comforts of marriage but no binding commitment. Why bother marrying when he already “has it all?” It’s selfish, plain and simple.

If you are Catholic, you do need to stop having sex outside marriage, and ideally move out until marriage occurs. Tough, but true. You shouldn’t receiving the Eucharist in a state of sin (and premarital sex is a sin.). Also, sounds like you need to draw some lines in the sand. Let him know how much you love him but that you’re not willing to continue on in this pseudo-marriage. Change needs to happen or you’re moving on with your life.

In regards to him being Baptist… well, again, if a child wasn’t involved I would say start over. But that’s not so simple here. If he agrees to marry and to raise the kids Catholics, I say pursue this route. But don’t just keep the status quo.
 
mrpathetic said:
Let’s all back up and ask ourselves the following question: what is in the best interest of this 3-year-old child?

I think the answer is obvious. The child should be raised in a home with her mother and father. That is the solemn right of this child. She needs a mother and a father, and that should be obvious to all of us.

Unless your boyfriend is incapable of parenthood due to moral/menta/physical reasons, he should be part of the child’s life. And from what you have told us, I see no impediment to him carrying out his parental responsibilities.

So this individual needs to be coaxed, into living up to his responsibilities. I would recommend the following. He is Baptist, and in that faith, they do practice “Church Discipline”. (It is their version of canon law.) Go to the elders of his church, and ask them to discipline this man. If he cannot live up to his responsibilities as a father, he should be refused entry into his church, or ultimately expelled.

And yes, it would be a good idea to contact a family law attorney, and file for child support. If the church elders will not convince him to start acting like a father, maybe a judge can.
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I agree with this advice! There is already a family here even if the father is skirting marriage. In a situation like this, the man needs to be encouraged to embrace the responsibilities he already has and live up to them in the best possible situation… marriage. In defense of this man, while I am definitely not impressed with his decision to avoid marriage as that indicates some serious levels of immaturity or selfishness, bear in mind that this is sadly common these days and up until this point, the OP has more or less put up with it which is an issue in it’s own right. With some strong, mature action on the part of the OP and the Church, he may come to his senses and realize he needs to embrace his responsibilities.
 
I have to echo everyone her who advised you to stop sleeping with him immediately. I can’t say that I reccomend leaving him altogether since you have a child in the picture. I think it is always important to try and keep things as stable for a kids as possible since they often do not understand the adult apsects of relationships and often think of seperation as a punishment. Again, as others have said, you need to stop sleeping with him and live as brother and sister while you try and work out your issues. If he cannot deal with this, I am not sure he can ever love you as a husband should since a husband is called to love his wife as a sister in Christ.
 
Yeah sounds like exhusband there!! 😦 We were married legally civilly but not through the church…He didn’t even want that mentioned…and when I started pushing for it, well all things went to hell… I think you both need to go to counseling…Big time!!! 😦 sounds bad but seriously maybe he is just enjoying and too comfortable with what he has right now that he doesn’t see the point of what the meaning of marriage is about and for…Seek counseling and take him with you even tell him he’s needed for your support…and don’t take no for an answer…

Hang in there, GOD bless and don’t give up!!! Keep praying dear!!!
 
flyingfish said:
? How would he react if you told him you couldn’t have sex with him until you were married?
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This is good advice

You need to get tough with him to see what he is made of.

And I think your womens intuition is telling you something as well.(are you listening)
I’m sure you know what to do
 
  1. I love you like a fellow sister in God so please take nothing I say now offensively.
  2. In some states anything you have together before marriage that he takes is considered a gift and cannot be recovered if things go badly so he could leave you with nothing at anytime depending on what state you are in.
  3. In some states you can still file for child support even though you are living together because you are not married - so do so and protect your child in case he bolts. If he bolts it will be hard to track him down to bring him to court.
  4. You are not in full communion with the Church as you are in a state of mortal sin. Stop sleeping with him. Go to confession. Make pennance. Take eucharist. - How can you worry about him participating/converting when you are not even in full communion and would not even be eligible to sponsor him in your current state?
  5. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
  6. Give him a time frame and move on. Why would you put your soul in danger and cause scandal for your children? It is selfish.
  7. He ain’t a Baptist. They are just like we are when it comes to cohabitation and childbirth outside of marriage. They also despise the Catholic faith and consider most our ways sinful.
Peace Be With You.
 
flyingfish said:
Why doesn’t he want to marry you? For all intents and purposes you are married, you live together, you have a child, you share things. You have been together for 9 years, that is longer than a lot of marriages last.
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You are now “common law” husband and wife anyway. If he has such issues with it expect him to run for the door any minute.

If either leaves now there will be property division, child support and the typical issues that arise in a “divorce”.
 
Thank you all so much for your advice, I read each and every one carefully and I am very grateful.

I do understand that I am living in mortal sin, I haven’t taken the Eucharist in nine years. The birth of my daughter has brought me closer to God and to my faith. I know that in order for me to be right with God my living situation has to change. I want my daughter to have a certain up bringing in faith, family and education and I can’t do it if I am not living by the example.

I have asked my boyfriend why he is so against marriage and his response is always the same “I don’t know… why do we have to get married? We love each other that should be enough”
I have never been unfaithful, I have never been with any other man but him, I have done nothing but love him and understand that I can not pressure him into marrying me. I have been patient and have waited quietly. This make me terribly sad because he is a good man, he is a great father but I know that he is a horrible partner. And in my heart of hearts I know that he doesn’t want to marry me.

Someone said that I have always known what to do, and I think that might be right. All I need is the courage to do it.
 
***Regardless of property, etc…your relationship is not a Sacrament, only marriage is. That said, this is about self respect. You matter here. I think the easiest ‘‘change’’ you can make, as I’ve said above, and others have said…is to stop sleeping with him. This won’t be easy at first, but it’s the holy thing to do.

The reason why so many marriages split (based on stats) when two people lived together before marriage, is just this…that if your bf marries you, will you feel he did it for the right reasons? Did he do it out of being pressured? Did he want to freely marry you? Many couples go through this, and divorce, because the marriage started off on the wrong foot. That is why I caution you to coax or ‘‘talk into’’ your bf marrying you–that is something he has to feel on his own. No one is 100% certain I think, but nine years? I don’t think it takes that long to figure out if you want to marry someone or not. ***
 
SamH said:
You are now “common law” husband and wife anyway. If he has such issues with it expect him to run for the door any minute.

If either leaves now there will be property division, child support and the typical issues that arise in a “divorce”.
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Not every state is a common law state- Fl for one. I almost ended up divorced and found out that business money I invested prior to the marriage when we were living together even though I was part of the business was going to be lost because I was no longer involved in the business and Florida is not a common law state. You need ot be very careful giving this type of advice unless you are a member of the bar in her particular state.
 
GabbieDear said:
Thank you all so much for your advice, I read each and every one carefully and I am very grateful.

I do understand that I am living in mortal sin, I haven’t taken the Eucharist in nine years. The birth of my daughter has brought me closer to God and to my faith. I know that in order for me to be right with God my living situation has to change. I want my daughter to have a certain up bringing in faith, family and education and I can’t do it if I am not living by the example.

I have asked my boyfriend why he is so against marriage and his response is always the same “I don’t know… why do we have to get married? We love each other that should be enough”
I have never been unfaithful, I have never been with any other man but him, I have done nothing but love him and understand that I can not pressure him into marrying me. I have been patient and have waited quietly. This make me terribly sad because he is a good man, he is a great father but I know that he is a horrible partner. And in my heart of hearts I know that he doesn’t want to marry me.

Someone said that I have always known what to do, and I think that might be right. All I need is the courage to do it.
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*Nine years is hard to step away from. You have a lot of history, etc. It won’t be easy…but, with God, all things are possible, even mustering up the courage to do what we might think is impossible. :o I will keep praying for you. *
 
GabbieDear said:
Thank you all so much for your advice, I read each and every one carefully and I am very grateful.

I do understand that I am living in mortal sin, I haven’t taken the Eucharist in nine years. The birth of my daughter has brought me closer to God and to my faith. I know that in order for me to be right with God my living situation has to change. I want my daughter to have a certain up bringing in faith, family and education and I can’t do it if I am not living by the example.

I have asked my boyfriend why he is so against marriage and his response is always the same “I don’t know… why do we have to get married? We love each other that should be enough”
I have never been unfaithful, I have never been with any other man but him, I have done nothing but love him and understand that I can not pressure him into marrying me. I have been patient and have waited quietly. This make me terribly sad because he is a good man, he is a great father but I know that he is a horrible partner. And in my heart of hearts I know that he doesn’t want to marry me.

Someone said that I have always known what to do, and I think that might be right. All I need is the courage to do it.
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Do you think that you will have the support of family and friends? You sound very courageous to me, and that is a good thing.
 
I don’t disagree with the advice that has been given so far. But it might be worthwhile to dig into it a bit more. Many people do not understand the difference between marrying and cohabiting. Some because they don’t take marriage seriously, others because they take cohabiting as seriously as marriage. If your boyfriend falls into the latter group, you may have something to work with - he has made the commitment within himself already, and he just isn’t seeing what an official document could add to that. So, you need to show him.

Legal protection for you and your daughter.

A good example to your daughter.

The chance for you to become reconciled in a meaningful way with your faith.

A change to explicitly make a commitment that includes God as well as each other.
 
whatevergirl said:
*Nine years is hard to step away from. You have a lot of history, etc. It won’t be easy…but, with God, all things are possible, even mustering up the courage to do what we might think is impossible. :o I will keep praying for you. *
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Nine years has felt like a life time.

Thank you for offering prayer to me.
 
dulcissima said:
Do you think that you will have the support of family and friends? You sound very courageous to me, and that is a good thing.
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I know I have the support of my family and that is all that matters to me. In some weird way I know that I have the support of his mother. She has always spoken freely that our situation is not right and not only in the eyes of God but legally. My friends some understand and some think that I am to hung up an trying to fix something that is not broken.
 
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