He wont marry me

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That might be the way to approach it.

Ask him if he would put up with some guy living with his daughter for years. Not every guy will have the same commitment he might think he has.

And it is up to you all to set an example NOW, so she will not go live with someone who doesnt’ have her best interest at heart someday.

That puts him in the position of actually telling you he doesn’t care about your daughter’s future choices if it inconveniences or ties him down now, or it makes him man up and do the right thing.

What you are doing now will be the model for your daughter in about 14 or 15 years.

Are you waiting till she’s 12 and she realizes everyone else’s parents are married and hers aren’t?
 
It is broken. Or it was never joined together to begin with.
 
Well that’s exactly why I would never agree to live with guy.

1st Priority is your child. Find out what the laws of your state are considering child support, commonlaw marriage and parental responsibility.

Find out what the finances are and everything he has for the sake of your child just incase he runs or disappears.

Stop sleeping with him and see what he says. If he asked why tell him you’re conscience won’t allow it anymore until marriage. See if that works.

Pray for his soul he seems like a selfish individual to me. 🤷
 
Liberanos advice was dead on. Ultimatley I think you should move out.
Stop sleeping with him immediatly as the above poster suggested.
Tell him that you have confessed to God and realized you can’t sleep with any man before marriage. Tell him you can’t continue to raise your daughter this way. I think it’s best you move out- then see what his reaction is.
If he really loves you and wants the best for you and your daughter- he’ll marry you and make it legal. I know you’re in a rough spot.
I’'m praying for you.
 
Thank you all so much for all the advice. I really do appreciate it.

As far as the common law marriage is not recognized here in California 😦

I don’t have a problem with not sleeping with him, sex has always been an act of love and commitment and not an obligation. But lately I have been feeling less and less romantic.

Thank you all again.
 
GabbieDear said:
Thank you all so much for all the advice. I really do appreciate it.

As far as the common law marriage is not recognized here in California 😦

I don’t have a problem with not sleeping with him, sex has always been an act of love and commitment and not an obligation. But lately I have been feeling less and less romantic.

Thank you all again.
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Hello Gabbie,

Many have given you great advice … Especially, the “stop sleeping with him immediately” advice … You have to decide how you will manage your living arrangements. Can you get him to move out or can you and your daughter. Understanding that ‘break-ups’ [like divorce - my failure 😊 -] are terribly hard on the children [saddly as noted I know this from my personal failures :(]… perhps you will want to live under the same roof. Just know that you have to seperate the parenting from the co-habitating on the carnal level … So, If your house allows it take a bedroom seperate from him, if not then share your daughter’s room.

Immediately let him know that you will not act the part of his wife until you are - in fact his wife … and do not rush into marriage if he offers … both of you need intensive marriage counselling … before entering into marriage … 👍

Also - as you make the change from co-sleeping and establish new boundaries, please read a book by Bishop Fulton Sheen called “Three to Get Married” … it was out of print for some time but was re-printed in the last 10 years … I highly recommend it - though written in the fifties [if memory serves] it truly is timeless in its relevance … Maybe you could get your daughter’s father to read it too .👍… This book will provide you the information and support to bring our Lord into your relationship as the foundation.

Remember that this man is your daughter’s father - That is his role - he is not a husband, he is a father … your daughter’s father … he is not your boyfried, he is not your fiance … he fathered your child … from your posts that seems to be the extent of his real committment … fatherhood … show him respect for that parental involvement, acknowledge that fact, encourage his relationship with your daughter

But as other have stated, have no carnal relations with him.
 
  1. Is he simply terrified of marriage? I have an employee who is TERRIFIED of being married. She will not marry her husband. They are raising 3 kids together (two are theirs, one is from her teen years) and have been with each other for 12 years. She believes that this can work, but marriage=divorce.
  2. This may be a trick, but ask him what he’d do if his daughter was in the same situation years from now.
 
GabbieDear said:
and we have been dating for nine years!!!
Hello, my name is Gaby and I have been dating my now live-in boyfriend for nine years and he wont even discuss marriage! We have a beautiful three year old daughter and lately we have been discussing baby number two. He is Baptist and he accepted that I would raise our daughter as Catholic but I feel so guilty that we are not married. He knows I want to marry and he has made it clear that he is not ready, how more ready can you be? we have a child together, live under the same roof and have a joint account!
I have been considering leaving him. I would like to get married and built a home with the right foundation but the thought that is way to scary and I would have loved to have it with my boyfriend. I have loved him this long but this is starting to really really bother me. The fact that we both are from different religions has never bothered me but that is also starting to bother me. I am a bit jealous of the families I see at our Parish on Sunday Mass. I have invited him to Sunday mass and he wont participate, I’m secretly hoping on converting him…😃
I don’t know if I’ll ever marry, maybe that ship has sailed. But, I don’t want to settle, I don’t think I should. I have made so many compromises for this relationship because I love him but he isn’t doing them for me. Everyday I pray for an answer to the “should I go or should I stay?” question and nothing.
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Neither of you have any integrity before God right now; you’re both living in total disobedience to His Word and exposing your child to it. Sounds like you are both a perfect match. If you were more serious about God than your boy friend, then perhaps God would help you. I don’t know how you can play religion and pretend you have a relationship with God when you have been fornicating for at least 3 years.

You need to take 3 giant steps backward and have him move out or you move out, then quit playing the harlot and get right with God. Until you do those things; you will not progress forward in your spiritual life or your earthly life. I know that may sound harsh, but if you love God; it is shown by obedience not lip service.

God bless and i wil pray for both of you as I submit.
 
DerekD said:
Neither of you have any integrity before God right now; you’re both living in total disobedience to His Word and exposing your child to it. Sounds like you are both a perfect match. If you were more serious about God than your boy friend, then perhaps God would help you. I don’t know how you can play religion and pretend you have a relationship with God when you have been fornicating for at least 3 years.

You need to take 3 giant steps backward and have him move out or you move out, then quit playing the harlot and get right with God. Until you do those things; you will not progress forward in your spiritual life or your earthly life. I know that may sound harsh, but if you love God; it is shown by obedience not lip service.

God bless and i wil pray for both of you as I submit.
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Take it easy, Derek - I know you are new and we can soemtimes be a bit blunt but calling someone who has given the gift of life a harlot will probably not open their ears or the hearts any to your message.
 
Remember that this man is your daughter’s father - That is his role - he is not a husband, he is a father … your daughter’s father … he is not your boyfried, he is not your fiance … he fathered your child … from your posts that seems to be the extent of his real committment … fatherhood … show him respect for that parental involvement, acknowledge that fact, encourage his relationship with your daughter

But as other have stated, have no carnal relations with him.
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Thank you. This wont be a problem to do, he is her father and he is a good one.
 
GabbieDear said:
Thank you all so much for your advice, I read each and every one carefully and I am very grateful.

I do understand that I am living in mortal sin, I haven’t taken the Eucharist in nine years. The birth of my daughter has brought me closer to God and to my faith. I know that in order for me to be right with God my living situation has to change. I want my daughter to have a certain up bringing in faith, family and education and I can’t do it if I am not living by the example.

I have asked my boyfriend why he is so against marriage and his response is always the same “I don’t know… why do we have to get married? We love each other that should be enough”
I have never been unfaithful, I have never been with any other man but him, I have done nothing but love him and understand that I can not pressure him into marrying me. I have been patient and have waited quietly. This make me terribly sad because he is a good man, he is a great father but I know that he is a horrible partner. And in my heart of hearts I know that he doesn’t want to marry me.

Someone said that I have always known what to do, and I think that might be right. All I need is the courage to do it.
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Gabbie I am so sorry for what you are going through really I am hon! And it’s difficult…But try the counseling with him…Go to see your priest…Talk with other married couples on the benefits of GOD’s sacramental blessing! Don’t give up, hang in there! He’s just comfortable a lot of men are like that until someone else tells them what they are doing is wrong they then want to correct it…Get him to go with you to speak with your priest and the sooner the better hon!!!
 
purplesunshine said:
  1. Is he simply terrified of marriage? I have an employee who is TERRIFIED of being married. She will not marry her husband. They are raising 3 kids together (two are theirs, one is from her teen years) and have been with each other for 12 years. She believes that this can work, but marriage=divorce.
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I think he really is terrified of marriage. From my understanding his parents marriage was a tough one and he often says he doesn’t want to be like his father. 🤷 But he wont talk much about it. His mom has opened up to me about the way it was and understands that he witnessed a lot and is sadden of the thought that he has been damaged and that could be why he refuses marriage.
 
2cents…my now-sis-in-law, as soon as she got pg with my brother’s first baby, she went to get assistance, she needed medical insurance etc…The social worker told her, since he isn’t her husband even if they lived together, in CALI, he would have to pay child support, and based on his income, he’s a cop, it was going to be a lot of money, from his 4 grand a month, 1500 was going to go to the baby!!! She freaked!!! She called me and told me they were crazy!!! and told me my brother proposed and they went off to get married within 1 week… He said well I was going to marry her but I thought we could wait a few years till the baby was old enough to be in the wedding…HE said he was shocked and said, he lives with her why not marry her then and there?! He didn’t do it because he was forced to do it, but it was like a rude awakening for him to react to his promise of forever when he was intentionally waiting for whatever reason…HE actually had to take responsibility and marry the woman! 😃 He said it was the push he needed…Instead of being too comfortable and lazy about it!!!

Maybe that’s what your man needs, a little push in the right direction… 🤷
 
yes, but that’s just an excuse. 😉

He’s had 9 years to see that life with you is different. The marriage ceremony is not magic. It doesn’t change a bad situation into a good one. And it doesn’t make good people with a healthy relationship all of a sudden turn bad.

He can’t go through life letting his father’s behavior control him.

He needs counseling.

And yes, one poster was a little harsh. But that’s the attitude you will encounter in many places. And your child will go to school and encounter it. Think how that feels to a child to see her mother thought of that way. There will be people who won’t want their kids spending the night at your house because of it. She will run into problems. Fix it now. Either separate and live as a single mother or marry. That is your choice.
 
DerekD said:
Neither of you have any integrity before God right now; you’re both living in total disobedience to His Word and exposing your child to it. Sounds like you are both a perfect match. If you were more serious about God than your boy friend, then perhaps God would help you. I don’t know how you can play religion and pretend you have a relationship with God when you have been fornicating for at least 3 years.

You need to take 3 giant steps backward and have him move out or you move out, then quit playing the harlot and get right with God. Until you do those things; you will not progress forward in your spiritual life or your earthly life. I know that may sound harsh, but if you love God; it is shown by obedience not lip service.

God bless and i wil pray for both of you as I submit.
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Derek, I am guessing you must be a very righteous man for calling me a harlot so freely. But I feel the need to tell you that your interpretation of a “harlot” is way off. I will not take any offense to the name calling but I will not tolerate it. If I wanted to be called names I would not be seeking advice in a Catholic let alone a Christian forum.

Thank you for offering prayer for the both of us. I find myself in a very difficult situation, I have made many mistakes that have lead me to this point but I am trying to do right. So your prayer is greatly appreciated.
 
Liberanosamalo said:
yes, but that’s just an excuse. 😉

He’s had 9 years to see that life with you is different. The marriage ceremony is not magic. It doesn’t change a bad situation into a good one. And it doesn’t make good people with a healthy relationship all of a sudden turn bad.

He can’t go through life letting his father’s behavior control him.

He needs counseling.

And yes, one poster was a little harsh. But that’s the attitude you will encounter in many places. And your child will go to school and encounter it. Think how that feels to a child to see her mother thought of that way. There will be people who won’t want their kids spending the night at your house because of it. She will run into problems. Fix it now. Either separate and live as a single mother or marry. That is your choice.
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I will suggest counseling to him. I need to sit down and have a heart to heart conversation with him.I need to know where this is going and I need to start to pave the way for me and my daughter.
 
GabbieDear said:
I will suggest counseling to him. I need to sit down and have a heart to heart conversation with him.I need to know where this is going and I need to start to pave the way for me and my daughter.
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Good for you Gabbie! I do hope all goes well! GOD bless.
 
iluvmybabies said:
2cents…my now-sis-in-law, as soon as she got pg with my brother’s first baby, she went to get assistance, she needed medical insurance etc…The social worker told her, since he isn’t her husband even if they lived together, in CALI, he would have to pay child support, and based on his income, he’s a cop, it was going to be a lot of money, from his 4 grand a month, 1500 was going to go to the baby!!! She freaked!!! She called me and told me they were crazy!!! and told me my brother proposed and they went off to get married within 1 week… He said well I was going to marry her but I thought we could wait a few years till the baby was old enough to be in the wedding…HE said he was shocked and said, he lives with her why not marry her then and there?! He didn’t do it because he was forced to do it, but it was like a rude awakening for him to react to his promise of forever when he was intentionally waiting for whatever reason…HE actually had to take responsibility and marry the woman! 😃 He said it was the push he needed…Instead of being too comfortable and lazy about it!!!

Maybe that’s what your man needs, a little push in the right direction… 🤷
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I am happy to hear that your brother and SIL’s situation was resolved.
There might still be hope for us! But I am completely content if my doesn’t have the happy ending.
 
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