Heartbroken and Deceived

[robwar]

No, don’t bother trying to be friends. Just move on. He would be keeping you on the back burner “just in case” things don’t work out with whatever else he is doing.

When I read that he was coming on to you very strongly at first, my red flags went up. It is not a good sign when a guy is instantly serious and starts talking about getting engaged. It should make your red flags go up and you should back off a little bit because it is likely someone who is immature and could be controlling/obsessive. Watch out for that in the future. It can be very flattering when someone seems to fall head over heels, but that can be a problem.

yes, great advice

 

[chevalier]

Thanks everyone for your encouragement words. What is the psychology behind a man pursuing a relationship so intensively in the beginning, and then loses interested or says he is not ready. I see this pattern not just with this guy, but with online dating.

That’s not only with men. I’m a man and I’ve experienced a lot of it from women.

Part of the reason is that people have a tendency to value things on the basis of how hard or easy it is to get them. In economy, money exists to make the maths easier. In mating, similar patterns can be seen.

Example:
John is a gentleman. There is mutual attraction with Alice. Alice is initially interested. John poses no challenge, he spares Alice any sort of uncertainty or inconfidence. He goes out of his way for her, gives her his attention, treats her by all means adequately and better than that. Alice thinks that John must think that she’s such a great catch (and he probably does think that), which makes Alice suspect that John’s own value is not as high as she thought earlier, when she was uncertain of her ability to attract him. Consequently, she loses her interest in John.

On the other hand, suppose Mark does not treat Alice in any way special, does not seem to hold her in high regard. No ladies and gentlemen stuff, and she’s got to fight for his attention and make herself useful. She thinks that Mark’s value must be high if he’s not selling it for cheap or giving it away. If he puts her down, she thinks he can afford it. And the reason he can afford to spurn her is because he’s desireable enough to find prospective mates without trouble. Or so she thinks about him.

Things get more complicated when John the gentleman sees what’s going on, gets a grip of himself and calls it a day. He demonstrates his ability to free himself, go away, live without Alice, and then Alice experiences a rapid reassessment of John’s value. She goes after him, might even beg for a second chance.

…Which works only until things get back to normal, unless Alice has learnt her lesson and liberated herself from evolutionary thinking.

Also, I’m sure there are male Alices and female Johns and Marks. And the cause might be low self-esteem (“I do not deserve the special treatment I’m getting. Therefore whoever gives it to me must be even more unspecial than I am,” seems to be the hidden pattern of thinking.).

See, I’ve got it all figured out. As a criminal law scholar I’m an expert on human nature.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I can relate because when I was your age, I worried about meeting the right man. And everyone gave me what they though was encouragement with statements such as ‘God has a better man for you’. Well I am now 43 and I have never married. When I was 27 I would have been devastated to know I would be single at 43. Well guess what, being single at 43 is actually kind of fun. My only regret, I spent my youth wasting time worrying.

Nothing replaces the joy of knowing you are doing God’s will. Put Him before all else. I can not say you will or won’t meet a man. But I can say with all certainty, the only guarantee for happiness is God’s will

Angie

 

[casey_zia]

I can relate because when I was your age, I worried about meeting the right man. And everyone gave me what they though was encouragement with statements such as ‘God has a better man for you’. Well I am now 43 and I have never married. When I was 27 I would have been devastated to know I would be single at 43. Well guess what, being single at 43 is actually kind of fun. My only regret, I spent my youth wasting time worrying.

Nothing replaces the joy of knowing you are doing God’s will. Put Him before all else. I can not say you will or won’t meet a man. But I can say with all certainty, the only guarantee for happiness is God’s will

Angie

Amen, Angie! I wasted a lot of my 20s worried and anxious and looking, got into some pretty terrible relationships, trying to make it happen. At age 28 or so, I gave it all to God, totally, after an emotionally and physically abusive relaionship, and stopped looking, and got on with life. I did end up marrying, but even if I hadn’t, I was letting God take the reins, which is where he wanted me and where my happiness was.

Don’t be “friends” with this guy. He deceived you and dropped you, how can you trust him again? Why does he want to hang onto you, when he’s moved on? It’s manipulative and confusing, and he might need professional help.

My brother married for the first time at 53, my husband’s uncle did the same at 75! One never knows… Everone had given up on me, too, but I met my God-chosen spouse in my thirties and am very happy I didn’t settle for less earleir on. Doing God’s will is the only peace in life, and it’s a lot less lonely with God than in an empty relationship.

Move on, pick up your mat, follow Christ. I’m praying for you.

 

[Bezant]

Thanks everyone for your encouragement words. What is the psychology behind a man pursuing a relationship so intensively in the beginning, and then loses interested or says he is not ready. I see this pattern not just with this guy, but with online dating.

It’s never easy to discover, especially when you least suspect it, that your feelings are not reciprocated and I am sorry that you feel discouraged. It’s very possible that he was genuinely interested in you, but as Chevalier noted, confused about his own life and did not intentionally mislead you. Cliché as it sounds we should always look on the bright side of things. Perhaps he realised that he wanted to be honest with himself and with you before the relationship became more serious. At the very least you avoided a long, drawn-out breakup and continue to live your life God’s way. And in a year’s time, you may very well be in a better place that you cannot now imagine.

 

[LoveJesus13]

Thank you so much for your encouragement words!

Im still in shock mode because he went from very sweet, loving, professing his love for me to cold and indifferent when he called to break things off. We had plans to visit his family in another state to meet them, I was very exited. That’s why I though he wanted something serious with me, but I’m angry that he led me on without feeling it.
The problem with me is that I trust people easily, I can be very naive. I still have faith there are good people out there, but from my experience there is a lot of people with evil intentions.
I get sad how this guy fell with in love with a narcissistic woman that lied to him all the time (he found out she was married, so it was an affair). I guess he needs time (he should have told me from the beginning without leading me on), or he is talking to her again.

Hi Mely, sorry to hear what you’re going through. Believe it or not I’m going through a similar thing. The guy I dated for a few months also went from sweet, caring to cold and heartless when we ended things on the phone. I had doubts about it already that he wasn’t the one so I told him we should take time to think about things but not wanting a break-up. Come to find that when we discussed things days later, he told me he couldnt prioritize God and our relationship. Read my post, I’m working on myself now and trusting God more. The advice i’ve received is be happy that you DIDNT end up with him. He isn’t the one for you and God has a better plan for us. He wants us to be with a REAL Catholic man, who loves Jesus, practices Chastity and follows the faith. As far as attraction goes, I worry about that too but let’s leave it ALL in God’s hands and He will not let us down.

I’ll be praying for you, pls. pray for me too

 

[Joy2day]

He wanted you. He knew how to “play” you. Somebody easier came back into his life bye-bye good girl.

Brilliant! I’m with you here - you’ve nailed it. With time comes the ability to see these ‘players’ coming - you can also predict their next move & you know the last page of the story before its begun. They try to make you think it was somehow about you - but no, it is actually all about them & it was actually never going to work in the first place. You, in reality, have actually lost nothing. He, (or the other party), has in fact lost the opportunity to grow. Time = experience = confidence!

 

[SuperLuigi]

mely2020;10638542]Hello Everyone I am disappointed because a guy I was dating for four months all of sudden broke up with me. I met him online via Catholicmatch.com. We had great chemistry, we talk long hours, and we enjoyed sharing the faith to each other. The relationship was long distance, he called me and had communication with him all the time. We met several times, and had a great time together. We have help each other grow in faith, and I was super exited after trying to find a good man via catholic dating site for over a year, I found him, I though he was “the one”.

This happens a lot with on-line dating. I’ve had it happen to me and I’ve broken things off with a girl on there as well.

He broke up out of the blue because he is not ready for a relationship.

I drove 1400 miles roundtrip to see a woman I talked to for hours a night only to find out on the first day of seeing her that she “didn’t want a relationship”. And I had almost a week booked in a hotel.

He told me he hasn’t healed from a manipulative ex-girlfriend (I have a gut feeling he is talking to her again, even though he tells me he’s not). I was devastated because I though what he told me was true, that he really loved me, he moved on from his ex, and wanted to plan a future with me. More because he is a guy close to God and faith, I just felt deceived and led on, because he was lying to me he felt feelings for me. I feel anger, because I did develop sincere feelings for him (since he lead me on).

I know that feeling. I had a girl once who insisted she wanted me to call her, but didn’t pick up the phone for a good month. I also had a feeling she was talking to an ex, not so much to back together with him, but it just showed how low of a priority I was for whatever reason. I even suspected that someone or some people were telling her not to date me because (1) we lived 800 miles apart and (2) there was a seven year age difference.

I

feel very discouraged, is so hard to find a good Catholic guy in this world. I don’t have problem finding dates with secular guys, but my goal is to find a guy where both of us practice chastity and the Catholic faith. I used to date according to the world’s way, but I ended up getting myself hurt, wounded, and far away from God. I never found love there, is full of selfishness and only teaches you to use and not to love.

The reason I shared the above experiences with you is to let you know that you are not alone.

Being religious will NOT take the sting out of a relationship break-up, especially one that is not mutual.

Listen, Catholic dating sites can work, provided you understand certain nuances about and common sense about on-line dating no matter which site you are on, but there is no way around dating being an emotional risk.

I turned my life around, and I am very happy that I don’t live that lifestyle anymore.
Do you guys have any words of encouragement so I wont give up. Im 27, and sometimes I get paranoid that I will not find a good guy that Im attracted to, has faith in God, and practices chastity.

I guess it really means what you mean practicing chastity. There’s probably guys out there who try but slip up. I would encourage you to be a little flexible with that. Frankly, I was a little surprised at how far some of the 7/7 women seemed willing to go. Sometimes, if you come across as demanding perfection, a guy may not even try to date you.

If you’re on CM, you’ll probably want to pay attention the 7 Church teachings, especially the ones on sexuality, to help you find your match.

It is very difficult living the faith as a single girl, because what the world promotes goes against Catholic teachings. The young adult group in my parish is target more to late teens/early 20s, I don’t quite fit in because Im older.
Thanks everyone and God bless you!

Well, if you can find a group more to your liking, I would very much encourage that, but the thing to remember about on-line dating is to follow common sense and your feminine instincts, to pray and please bear in mind that it is an investment and you’ll get out of what you put into it.

 

[mely2020]

Thank you so much everyone for your encouragement words. Knowing Im not alone helps a lot. I been feeling sad and angry this past couple of weeks due to the breakup. I am still in shock since he was pursuing me like crazy. He called me every morning to say I love you, we would online chat through out the day, talk in the evening, and he liked everything I posted on Facebook and on my blog.
I came to the conclusion he went back to his ex-girlfriend from activity I saw on her Facebook page. She has her page private, but she would post stuff on public for my ex to see to get his attention and make him jealous.
I can’t concentrate at work, I can’t pursue fun activities I usually enjoy like the gym and craft projects. This relationship affected me a lot, because I believe everything he told me.
I am very good at catching liars and players early on, but with this guy, I let my guard down.
Then I start to feel insecure about myself, maybe I am not attractive enough, skinny enough, to attract a good guy.

 

[bsf]

I can relate because when I was your age, I worried about meeting the right man. And everyone gave me what they though was encouragement with statements such as ‘God has a better man for you’. Well I am now 43 and I have never married. When I was 27 I would have been devastated to know I would be single at 43. Well guess what, being single at 43 is actually kind of fun. My only regret, I spent my youth wasting time worrying.

Nothing replaces the joy of knowing you are doing God’s will. Put Him before all else. I can not say you will or won’t meet a man. But I can say with all certainty, the only guarantee for happiness is God’s will

Angie

I wish more people would give this encouragement instead parroting “There is someone out there for you.”

……for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4: 11-13)

St. Paul does not say he was content because there was a “special someone” out there who would eventually be his wife.

I agree with those who advocate maintaining distance from your ex. What he is doing now is not relevant to your life. I think his presence in your life would be harmful to you. I do not believe God wants that. Get off Facebook if it is a temptation to check up on him.

mely2020, I hope you are able to place your trust in God, and achieve peace and joy in this life through pursuing God’s will in all things at all times.