Heartbroken by divorce

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NorCal73

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Hi Everyone,

Sorry this thread is a little long, but necessary for me to let out my feelings. My husband and I have been together since high school at the age of 16. I am now 34. We were deeply in love, but my family objected due to our differences…he is Hispanic and I am East Indian. I ended up leaving home to be with him at the age of 18 and was disowned by my family. We lived with his family, and were married civilly.

We had a lot of problems in the beginning, mostly because we were young and immature, but thanks to God, we were able to work them out and get through it. We were so happy with each other. I loved him so much, I would have given my life for him. I also fully converted into Roman Catholicism, not just because of him and his family, but because it was what I truly believed in.

Financially, things were difficult for us, but I eventually finished college, and we bought a nice home we wanted to start a family in. We also married through the Catholic Church for God’s blessing. Eventually, my family even came around and started speaking to me again after 12 years. They even embraced my husband and loved him like a son.

We wanted kids more than anything, and 13 months ago we were blessed with a beautiful baby boy. It took us awhile, but we finally did it. I was so happy! I thought my husband was too. But this first year with the baby was a little stressful on us, with both of us working full-time and commuting long distances, …but I figured that was normal, and so many couples go through the same thing. But I never thought we would have any problems that we couldn’t discuss and work out.

Then last week he completely shattered my whole world by telling me he had been seeing someone else for the last couple of months and wanted a divorce. His excuse was that we drifted apart and I was giving too much attention to the baby, and this girl filled a void I never filled, and he found true love with her. He also said we were too young and made it sound like he’s been with me all these years because of pity. I just can’t believe any of this. I asked him to talk to a priest or counseling, but he doesn’t want any of this. He just wants out. He already started the divorce proceedings. I don’t understand why he would do this now, after a baby, and after being married by the church. His behavior is everything we used to be so against.

Now, I am back living with my family and my 1 year old son. I feel so lost. I can’t understand why God could let this happen. I feel so hurt, with nothing to look forward to. I know I have my son, and I’m so grateful for that. But I lost my best friend and someone who I thought was my soul mate. I’m only 34, so my friends and family think I will move on and find someone else eventually, but they don’t understand what I’m going through because they are not Catholic. And I could never remarry or date again, because that would be adultery, and I believe in the teachings of the Church. I can’t be like my husband and just pick and choose what I want to believe in. I just feel like 1/2 of me is dead for the rest of my life. I was just wondering if anyone else has gone through anything similar, and how do you go on with your life?
 
I am so sorry for your marriage. 😦 It must be very hard. I have no experience with divorce, but I will pray for you.
 
I have not felt your pain, but my heart goes out to you. You have my prayers. I hope someone can speak more to your situation than I, but I just wanted to let you know that I read everything in your post and I am sorry for you :console:
 
God bless you, I will remember you in my prayers. Did you talk to a priest ? There are thousands of Catholics in your position.
Several of my friends found themselves in the same position. One whose
'husband tricked her so badly that she ended up with all the bills while he got custody of the kids , the house and all the money.

Take knowledge from the fact that you are doing the All for your faith and God recognizes this and is blessing you in a million ways. You gave your all for the Lord and he always returns the favor.
 
NorCal73,

I am so sorry to hear about your troubles. I urge you to stay close to Jesus who has a beautiful plan for your life even if right now it seems that everything is falling apart. I am reminded of a praise and worship song that says, “Even though my world may fall, I’ll never let You go.”

What your husband has done is inexcusable. Please, do not listen to the “reasons” he gives you to justify his behavior. When my dad left my mom, he had all kinds of excuses – she had gained weight, etc. But you know what? His leaving was about him, not about my mom. I believe the same is true in your case.

I will offer prayers for you. God bless you.
 
You will not be able to get through this on your own, pray and be close to Jesus, and those in this world that DO love you.

You may not know the reasons for this now, but you will. You must have Faith, and sometimes that means having to endure something when you have no evidence, that it will ever be revealed to you, but you must be confident it will.
 
NorCal73 said:
Then last week he completely shattered my whole world by telling me he had been seeing someone else for the last couple of months and wanted a divorce. His excuse was that we drifted apart and I was giving too much attention to the baby, and this girl filled a void I never filled,
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People are so eager to tell the seeming victim that she did nothing wrong. Is it possible that your husband was telling you the truth here… that he told you exactly why he is leaving you with no embellishment? Were you neglecting him in favor of the baby? Did you leave him with an unfilled void? Babies need tons of attention and time, and of course, we all get tired. But that is not an excuse for neglecting our marriages. Marriage is not an event, it is a lifelong process. If we leave it to fend for itself, putting in no effort, not weeding the field, pruning the dead branches, getting rid of the bugs and feeding the roots… IT DIES. Were you acting like his girlfriend? Or like a perpetually tired, always too busy, using the baby as a shield, wife?

Your husband’s behavior, and his decision to take up with another woman and commit adultery, is inexcusable. He is in a state of mortal sin right now. I hope and pray he will repent and return to your marriage so the two of you can work on it. However, as inexcusable as his behavior is, is it explainable?

Seems when a guy says this, he doesn’t get credit for the fact that he might just be telling the truth. It’s always seen as an excuse for something else. Maybe he really did feel neglected, maybe he really did feel like his wife wasn’t taking care of him! And while his response to it was wrong, the needs he expressed were real.

Why do we automatically get so dismissive of a guy’s needs? Why is it that people think there is no possibility that a wife can neglect her man right into the arms of another woman? A really strong, faithful, moral Christian man would never allow himself to break his vows like that, no matter how bad it got at home. But one who is weak in his faith and looking for excuses or a way out, will allow that to happen. That is his sin, no doubt.

If you really want to have a chance of saving your marriage, I think you need to really, fully, honestly evaluate your own behavior and see if he was telling you the truth. If you honestly think you were a great wife and did all you could to keep him happy, then he is just making excuses for is own heinous behavior. But, if you think perhaps you could have done better… maybe turned him down in the bedroom less often, maybe cooked him nice dinners even if you only had time on weekends, maybe thanked him for working hard and rubbed his shoulders to relieve his stress at the end of the day more than you did… then if you go to him and admit that, apologize, and promise to work hard at being a better wife, maybe he will be open to working on the marriage. Of course, he would need to apologize for cheating, agree to counseling and to cut all contact with his paramour. You are the mother of his child, and he loved you and probably still loves you. He probably still wants an intact home and family, deep down. Most people want that.

I did not post this to be cruel, though I am sure I will be accused of that. I posted it in the interests of helping you reclaim your marriage if it is possible. I will say again, if you honestly, truly believe that you did nothing to leave him feeling neglected or to drive him away, then he is just a jerk who is heaping humiliation on top of the wrong he has done you. And you probably don’t really want to live with someone who would do that to you, do you? Another reason I posted this is that it is not fair to men to have the reflexive reaction so many do of dismissing the reasons they give for giving up on their marriages. Many of them are telling the truth of their experience. And if we women really want lasting, happy marriages, we should listen to them!

I realize my words have probably hurt you more than anything, but that really is not my intent. I really mean them in the spirit of trying to help.

donning fireproof suit
 
NorCal73 said:
Then last week he completely shattered my whole world by telling me he had been seeing someone else for the last couple of months and wanted a divorce. His excuse was that we drifted apart and I was giving too much attention to the baby, and this girl filled a void I never filled, and he found true love with her. He also said we were too young and made it sound like he’s been with me all these years because of pity. I just can’t believe any of this. I asked him to talk to a priest or counseling, but he doesn’t want any of this. He just wants out. He already started the divorce proceedings. I don’t understand why he would do this now, after a baby, and after being married by the church. His behavior is everything we used to be so against. Have you ever heard of Retrovaille? Perhaps you can persuade your husband, for the sake of your child, to attend with you. If it doesn’t work, no harm done. But maybe it will work.

Now, I am back living with my family and my 1 year old son. I feel so lost. I can’t understand why God could let this happen. I feel so hurt, with nothing to look forward to. I know I have my son, and I’m so grateful for that. But I lost my best friend and someone who I thought was my soul mate. I’m only 34, so my friends and family think I will move on and find someone else eventually, but they don’t understand what I’m going through because they are not Catholic. And I could never remarry or date again, because that would be adultery, and I believe in the teachings of the Church.Oddly, that is not what the Church teaches. It is a misconception. You could attempt to obtain a decree of nullity. The Church also allows civil divorce in order to protect property rights and the rights of children. I can’t be like my husband and just pick and choose what I want to believe in. I just feel like 1/2 of me is dead for the rest of my life. I was just wondering if anyone else has gone through anything similar, and how do you go on with your life? Yes I did. I got a good lawyer, after I discovered this was not the first time he did it. NOTE: Only after I was very sure the marriage was irretrivable did I get a lawyer. I took stock of myself. I went to confession. I got a decree of nullity.

A Baptist minister told me when I was going through mine, “All things work for good for those who love the Lord.” I thought he was nuts, but he was right.
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This sounds like a woman who really loves her husband…shortly after the birth of their baby, he started cheating. A new baby can really change a lot of things in a marriage…and a mature man should be able to expect that he isn’t going to be getting as much attention as he did before the baby, while the baby is small like this. I don’t disagree with your dusky, that a man and woman need to both commit to pleasing one another, but Norcal seems to really love her husband, and is hurting. We don’t know the situation, but cheating often has little to do with what another person is doing or not doing for you --nor should marriage be about how many ‘nice dinners’ I cook for my husband, or how much I do do do for him. It’s a two way street, and she is working full time, as she stated. With a baby, that is stressful. :o Very. I think that we’ll never know, only this couple knows. But, most adulterous relationships are built on something that the adulterer feels he/she is missing–and therefore seeks to fill the void. Which is why second marriages have a higher failure rate than first marriages when the second marriage stems from an adulterous relationship–because it really wasn’t the first spouse’s fault, it was that the adulterer lacked true faith in God, and security with self, and sought after it in another, only to find that it isn’t something that can be found in another.

I don’t disagree that we need to cherish and take care of our spouses and marriages, but they have full plates, and he should have been paying attention to helping her more, than spending his energy on paying attention to another woman. There are times in marriages, when child rearing can take up a bit more time–and if a few backrubs slid here and there, or a few romantic dinners, it shouldn’t drive a true loving husband away. I reiterate that I feel we have a responsibility to cherish and love our spouses…and MAKE THE TIME to be romantic…but, there are times in a marriage, when sometimes, maybe for a few months after a baby is born, especially with two working spouses, that that doesn’t always plan out…I don’t believe truly devout loving husbands OR wives leave over a few romance-less evenings. I believe they leave because they are searching for something to fill, which is a God-shaped hole.
 
That being said Norcal–I sent you a pm, and you’re in my prayers. So is your husband. I pray he apologizes, confesses, and repents…and that you both seek counseling to get to the heart of how your marriage can be better. If that doesn’t happen, trust in God, for He will see you through the pain. God bless.
 
NorCal, It gets better and you will be a whole person again, I PROMISE you.

At 31, I was divorced from my ex husband who I had dated since age 17. We did not have children together, which many people told me was a blessing, but at the time I had a hard time believing that because that marriage may have been my only chance to have children. (I now think differently, but that’s another story)

Divorce is much more than the loss of a person, and some folks will not understand that. It’s the loss of all the dreams and pictures you had of what your future was going to be like with that person. Sadly, I can’t tell you in a way that will make you believe that you will make new dreams and a new picture of the future that may surpass your wildest dreams from before. Each of us has to learn that for ourselves.

I highly suggest a book called Life After Loss by Bob Deits. Your pain may be a little too new and raw for it now, but I found it VERY helpful.

As a Catholic, AFTER you have a divorce decree and you believe there is no hope of saving the marriage, you can petition for nullity of the marriage at any time. I did that and it has given me great peace to know where I stand with the sacrament in relation to the Church and my future.

It’s almost two years after my divorce now. I’m closer to God, closer to my friends and family, and…amazingly…MUCH happier. Just focus on taking care of yourself and your little one right now. You will be OK. Pray pray pray and let your family take care of you…you need extra help right now, there’s no need to be super-woman.

Praying for you,

p.s…forgot to include COUNSELING. Ideally for both of you to see if the marriage can be fixed. If not, then at least for yourself. It’s so important.
 
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I know how you feel. I’m glad that you can rely on your family. And your friends mean well; like you said, they aren’t Catholic, so they don’t understand the way we learn things.

I, too, felt that I could never remarry. My H left 2 years ago, for another woman. I haven’t dated, haven’t even tried, but I would like to be married again someday, God willing.

God is with you now, and I believe that he is watching you, and is pleased with your still being committed to your marriage. The only actions you can control are your own, so stay in prayer and ask God to help you to behave the way He expects.

Use this time to get to know your son. Use this time to learn to like yourself again. See a counselor.

You say that H began proceedings. You and your son are entitled to certain things from H. Please get an attorney, one that represents you and your son. Sometimes the person who files suggests that you use the same attorney to “save money”. One attorney can’t ethically represent two people who are on opposite sides. It’s OK, it’s good, to look out for your and your son’s interests and well-being, even if you don’t want a divorce.

Like cecelia97 said, it does get better. It doesn’t feel like it right now, does it? But it will. Try to make rational, not emotional, decisions. You’ll be OK. We all are here to help you.
 
Thank you to everyone who replied. You can’t imagine how much it means to me that you would keep me and my son in your prayers. That is all we have now. Although my husband does not want to save our marriage at all, I will continue to pray to God to open his heart and eyes and realize what he is doing. And I pray that God will fill my heart with happiness again someday.
 
I don’t believe God is playing a big chess game with us down here. He didn’t “let this happen”. It simply happened. Your husband had ample opportunity to grow into the fatherhood role and chose not to. Take the opportunity and run. Be grateful to be free of this boy-husband that was chained around your neck and your life. You can withstand the pain of loss, separation and divorce. The real pain, the unendurable pain, is the one that comes from the man who recoils from your touch, who lies to you without remorse, who cannot grow a spine.

God has opened a window for you. Proceed with caution, but proceed!

marietta
 
Maybe he really did feel neglected, maybe he really did feel like his wife wasn’t taking care of him! And while his response to it was wrong, the needs he expressed were real.

**I would wonder how her wayward spouse was able to find the time to find another woman, when he should have been at home helping his wife, who not only was also working full-time but also caring for a demanding baby? If he was feeling neglected, then he should have SAID SO. She can’t read his mind. Babies are a lot of work that first year, especially when it’s the first baby, and everyone is getting used to a totally dependent little human being. **

If you really want to have a chance of saving your marriage, I think you need to really, fully, honestly evaluate your own behavior and see if he was telling you the truth. If you honestly think you were a great wife and did all you could to keep him happy, then he is just making excuses for is own heinous behavior. But, if you think perhaps you could have done better… maybe turned him down in the bedroom less often, maybe cooked him nice dinners even if you only had time on weekends, maybe thanked him for working hard and rubbed his shoulders to relieve his stress at the end of the day more than you did… then if you go to him and admit that, apologize, and promise to work hard at being a better wife, maybe he will be open to working on the marriage. Of course, he would need to apologize for cheating, agree to counseling and to cut all contact with his paramour. You are the mother of his child, and he loved you and probably still loves you. He probably still wants an intact home and family, deep down. Most people want that.

**Are you serious? Evaluate her behavior and how she drove him away? Apologize to the person who abandoned her for another woman? Wow, sorry, but she is probably already beating herself up for this, wondering what she did wrong. I know I did, after I discovered my ex was unfaithful. The one who should be evaluating is him, and why he chose to be unfaithful, and run into the arms of someone else. Someone who does that does not love his wife, is certainly not acting loving, and deep down, wants to run away, not have a family life. Some people don’t want a loving family life.

In the end, it might not matter what she did, he maybe couldn’t handle parenthood. He could be immature and self-centered, and expect that everything is about him. Some people are like that.**

I did not post this to be cruel, though I am sure I will be accused of that. I posted it in the interests of helping you reclaim your marriage if it is possible. I will say again, if you honestly, truly believe that you did nothing to leave him feeling neglected or to drive him away, then he is just a jerk who is heaping humiliation on top of the wrong he has done you. And you probably don’t really want to live with someone who would do that to you, do you? Another reason I posted this is that it is not fair to men to have the reflexive reaction so many do of dismissing the reasons they give for giving up on their marriages. Many of them are telling the truth of their experience. And if we women really want lasting, happy marriages, we should listen to them!

**How much bending over and trying to be pleasing must a wife do? If he isn’t honest with her, how can she know how he feels? Certainly, each is 50/50 responsible for the marriage, but when one partner walks away into a lover’s arms, he is 100% responsible for that, and the ensuing damage caused to that marriage.

Excuse me if this touches a nerve. I bent over backwards trying to please my ex. In the end, he wanted his cheesecake and to eat it too. Some men are immature and selfish, and think everything should be about them.**

I realize my words have probably hurt you more than anything, but that really is not my intent. I really mean them in the spirit of trying to help.

donning fireproof suit
 
i have been through a very painful divorce too…
and all I can say is that no matter what people say to you… about moving on and finding someone else… i know how much pain u r going through … well, maybe not… becos i did not have a little child to care for as well… 😦 but there is life after divorce my dear…

so i will be praying for you as i am writing this…

but i totally agree with Ailina and totally disagree with duskyjewel… it is not like u were spending time on urself or for fulfilling ur own selfish needs by going after another man… u were spending ur time looking after a member of ur family… so if ur husband did not understand that and felt that u were neglecting him, then my dear, he never understood the true nature of marriage and parenthood…!!! it is sacrifice…!!!

u were not emotionally and physicallly abusing him now, were u? i doubt he would have stuck with u for so long if u had been that kind of a person… i think u need to realise that he is a very selfish man who suddenly realised that u and ur child were cramping his style and decided to run… in the opposite direction…:mad:

although i never believed that there could be life after a divorce, i can attest to that and so can many on this forum… just give urself plenty of time to heal and love Jesus in the meantime… HE loved you and wants you… so take this time to get close to HIM and remember there is always a reason for whatever happens…

i can see the reason now why the divorce happened in my life… my ex is destroying himself slowly now… and if i had been there with him, he would have taken me away from the Lord too…

will be praying my dear… and be strong in the LORD for you and most importantly for your baby!!! your baby needs u now…:grouphug: :console:
 
I am very sorry for your heart breaking like this. I will pray for you. I know right now you must feel lost and lonely and that all the problems are bigger than you and that they will not go away. This is not so, instead of thinking: "How will I get through the rest of my life like this?“simply think " How will I get through TODAY?” Then if that is too hard sometimes then think, “How will I get through this hour?”.

A few way might be to 1)Pray 2)Spend time with your son 3) Join your local church and become active in it and 4) Find a playgroup to get out of the house and spend time with other like minded mothers and their children. It will make the day seem less lonely and it will start to build up support networks which is what you most need right now. Set small daily goals for yoursel. Like today I will look into finding a local playgroup or Mothers group for myself and my son. Right that goal down, even if it is just one thing and then TICK it off when you have completed it. These ideas I have passed on to other people in your situation as they combat loneliness, a sense of not achieving and they occupy your mind in a beneficial way. Apart from your work I think it is always helpful to form a social solid network of support people.I also definately advise seeking a Catholic counsellor if it is possible. I hope and pray that your husband and yourself will reconcile but if that does not eventuate I hope and wish for you all the best for you and your baby.

Here is some advice from the bible and for reading and mediataion Peter 1:13-25…and so your faith and hope are in God.

A sin that Christians can fall in to is the sin of despair. Do not allow these awful circumstances to dictate your mood towards God. Pray,pray and pray and we will pray with you. Remember our hope is not based on a person or situation, but on the unchanging nature of Jesus Christ who is 'the same yesterday, today and for ever" (Heb 13:8)

God Bless You and Yours
 
Marriages break down from both sides. I encouraged the OP to evaluate her own contribution to that. There are very few really innocent victims, there are usually two flawed people who both wronged each other and the marriage.

I’m sick of this “women can do no wrong” ethic.
 
Ailina said:
Maybe he really did feel neglected, maybe he really did feel like his wife wasn’t taking care of him! And while his response to it was wrong, the needs he expressed were real.

**I would wonder how her wayward spouse was able to find the time to find another woman, when he should have been at home helping his wife, who not only was also working full-time but also caring for a demanding baby? If he was feeling neglected, then he should have SAID SO. She can’t read his mind. Babies are a lot of work that first year, especially when it’s the first baby, and everyone is getting used to a totally dependent little human being. **

If you really want to have a chance of saving your marriage, I think you need to really, fully, honestly evaluate your own behavior and see if he was telling you the truth. If you honestly think you were a great wife and did all you could to keep him happy, then he is just making excuses for is own heinous behavior. But, if you think perhaps you could have done better… maybe turned him down in the bedroom less often, maybe cooked him nice dinners even if you only had time on weekends, maybe thanked him for working hard and rubbed his shoulders to relieve his stress at the end of the day more than you did… then if you go to him and admit that, apologize, and promise to work hard at being a better wife, maybe he will be open to working on the marriage. Of course, he would need to apologize for cheating, agree to counseling and to cut all contact with his paramour. You are the mother of his child, and he loved you and probably still loves you. He probably still wants an intact home and family, deep down. Most people want that.

**Are you serious? Evaluate her behavior and how she drove him away? Apologize to the person who abandoned her for another woman? Wow, sorry, but she is probably already beating herself up for this, wondering what she did wrong. I know I did, after I discovered my ex was unfaithful. The one who should be evaluating is him, and why he chose to be unfaithful, and run into the arms of someone else. Someone who does that does not love his wife, is certainly not acting loving, and deep down, wants to run away, not have a family life. Some people don’t want a loving family life.

In the end, it might not matter what she did, he maybe couldn’t handle parenthood. He could be immature and self-centered, and expect that everything is about him. Some people are like that.**

I did not post this to be cruel, though I am sure I will be accused of that. I posted it in the interests of helping you reclaim your marriage if it is possible. I will say again, if you honestly, truly believe that you did nothing to leave him feeling neglected or to drive him away, then he is just a jerk who is heaping humiliation on top of the wrong he has done you. And you probably don’t really want to live with someone who would do that to you, do you? Another reason I posted this is that it is not fair to men to have the reflexive reaction so many do of dismissing the reasons they give for giving up on their marriages. Many of them are telling the truth of their experience. And if we women really want lasting, happy marriages, we should listen to them!

**How much bending over and trying to be pleasing must a wife do? If he isn’t honest with her, how can she know how he feels? Certainly, each is 50/50 responsible for the marriage, but when one partner walks away into a lover’s arms, he is 100% responsible for that, and the ensuing damage caused to that marriage.

Excuse me if this touches a nerve. I bent over backwards trying to please my ex. In the end, he wanted his cheesecake and to eat it too. Some men are immature and selfish, and think everything should be about them.**

I realize my words have probably hurt you more than anything, but that really is not my intent. I really mean them in the spirit of trying to help.

donning fireproof suit
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AMEN to this post. While it absolutely takes two people to make a marriage work…it is possible that a person be married to someone who just doesn’t want to be committed anymore, and turns the marriage off long before letting that on to the other spouse. ‘Falling in love with another woman’ does not happen over night, so there had to be a lot of time and attention given to another–when I agree, he should have been giving that to the person he took vows with. I think that it’s unfair to tell a woman OR man who’s spouse has cheated…well, do an inventory check because I doubt you were completely innocent in him/her leaving you. There are just some people who leave because they are trying to fill a God shaped hole that only God can fill…sadly, after the destruction of marriages often times, the spouse who left ‘gets that,’ and it is sometimes too late to reconcile.
 
duskyjewel said:
People are so eager to tell the seeming victim that she did nothing wrong. Is it possible that your husband was telling you the truth here… that he told you exactly why he is leaving you with no embellishment? Were you neglecting him in favor of the baby? Did you leave him with an unfilled void? Babies need tons of attention and time, and of course, we all get tired. But that is not an excuse for neglecting our marriages. Marriage is not an event, it is a lifelong process. If we leave it to fend for itself, putting in no effort, not weeding the field, pruning the dead branches, getting rid of the bugs and feeding the roots… IT DIES. Were you acting like his girlfriend? Or like a perpetually tired, always too busy, using the baby as a shield, wife?

Your husband’s behavior, and his decision to take up with another woman and commit adultery, is inexcusable. He is in a state of mortal sin right now. I hope and pray he will repent and return to your marriage so the two of you can work on it. However, as inexcusable as his behavior is, is it explainable?

Seems when a guy says this, he doesn’t get credit for the fact that he might just be telling the truth. It’s always seen as an excuse for something else. Maybe he really did feel neglected, maybe he really did feel like his wife wasn’t taking care of him! And while his response to it was wrong, the needs he expressed were real.

Why do we automatically get so dismissive of a guy’s needs? Why is it that people think there is no possibility that a wife can neglect her man right into the arms of another woman? A really strong, faithful, moral Christian man would never allow himself to break his vows like that, no matter how bad it got at home. But one who is weak in his faith and looking for excuses or a way out, will allow that to happen. That is his sin, no doubt.

If you really want to have a chance of saving your marriage, I think you need to really, fully, honestly evaluate your own behavior and see if he was telling you the truth. If you honestly think you were a great wife and did all you could to keep him happy, then he is just making excuses for is own heinous behavior. But, if you think perhaps you could have done better… maybe turned him down in the bedroom less often, maybe cooked him nice dinners even if you only had time on weekends, maybe thanked him for working hard and rubbed his shoulders to relieve his stress at the end of the day more than you did… then if you go to him and admit that, apologize, and promise to work hard at being a better wife, maybe he will be open to working on the marriage. Of course, he would need to apologize for cheating, agree to counseling and to cut all contact with his paramour. You are the mother of his child, and he loved you and probably still loves you. He probably still wants an intact home and family, deep down. Most people want that.

I did not post this to be cruel, though I am sure I will be accused of that. I posted it in the interests of helping you reclaim your marriage if it is possible. I will say again, if you honestly, truly believe that you did nothing to leave him feeling neglected or to drive him away, then he is just a jerk who is heaping humiliation on top of the wrong he has done you. And you probably don’t really want to live with someone who would do that to you, do you? Another reason I posted this is that it is not fair to men to have the reflexive reaction so many do of dismissing the reasons they give for giving up on their marriages. Many of them are telling the truth of their experience. And if we women really want lasting, happy marriages, we should listen to them!

I realize my words have probably hurt you more than anything, but that really is not my intent. I really mean them in the spirit of trying to help.

donning fireproof suit
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I don’t think any fireproof suit is going to help you.

Just WHAT is the OP supposed to do? Should she neglect the baby? The only thing different she possibly could have done is to have her husband help out more with the baby to have him more fully appreciate the work involved. Other than that, what you posted is nothing more than “blame the victim” nonsense.

The OP should get herself tested for STDs.
 
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