Heartbroken by divorce

[Ailina]

Part 2 of 2

Do offer up your grief and pain. You know about offering up, don’t you? Because your grief and pain can be efficacious. God can use it to save sinners, if you offer it to him. So offer it up. It won’t heal your grief, but when I do this I feel a slight lifting of the burden, a bit of peace that I have given a precious wanted gift to Jesus. It was during my divorce that I started saying a daily offereing, and I will always say it now. Here it is:

O Jesus, through the Immaculate Heart of Mary, I offer you my prayers, works, joys and sufferings of this day in union with the
Holy Sacrifice of the Mass throughout the world. I offer them for all the intentions of your Sacred Heart: the salvation of souls, the reparation for sin, and the reunion of all Christians. I offer them for the intentions of our bishops and of all Apostles of Prayer, and in particular for those recommended by our Holy Father this month.

Now your time of sorrow will be a mission for Christ. It will have meaning.

The grief will pass. You will have a life. It will be like a phoenix rising from the ashes. You have heard of that illustration, right? It becomes meaningful, not cliche, when its your experience. Your life is like burning coal right now. But God makes all things new. He will make your life new.

You thought he was a soul mate, but you were wrong. What he did is not what soul mates do. You considered him your best friend, but he was not a true friend. What he did a true friend never would do. Would you ever do to someone what he did to you? Ever? You see: he is not like you.

The loss in divorce multiplies - people you thought were your friends disappear. But I found there was blessing in the bitterness. It is terrible, but you do find out who your true friends are. All at once. You find out that some who you thought were friends really weren’t. And the loss of each one is another terrible pain. But it really is better to know the truth. What you have left is real, not an illusion.

All these truths you are learning cause pain. But in the end, you will be freer. The truth sets you free.

Another pain is that your role in life has been taken as well. You are no longer “wife”. And to add insult to injury, you have a new, ugly name: you are “divorced woman”. And you will sense the judgement that comes with that title sometimes when you are very tender. And right now you are tender - you are like a big open sore, and sometimes senseless people will rub salt in your open wound.

Yes you have your son. Its not easy to parent when you are in steeped in grief, and that makes his crime worse - to cripple a mother. But God will be your crutch. Mary is a mother, a merciful mother, and she will help you. Ask her, every day, “Help me be a mother.” She will help you.

I struggled with this too. You do know about annullment, right? If the Church judges that your marriage was not a marriage, then it is annulled, and a subsequent marriage is not adultery.

You don’t really have to worry about this now, because since you were fully committed to and loved your husband, you have much hurt to get over before you could even think of anyone else anyway. But it is natural to wonder what your future will be. I wondered too. You wonder what will happen when you get out of the dark oppressing cave of divorce. Everyone assumes you’ll date now. But how could I ever fit in the dating world - I have different rules than the rest of the world. Everyone else is at least a “maybe” which adds some expected excitement to the date. I am a “never” (not till after the wedding)! And who is that these days? Practically nobody.

My other conundrum was that I was still reeling from the belated realization that I had made such a poor choice in a husband. He had misrepresented himself - and my understanding of his personality disorder - narcissism - helped me see that this was par for the course. But at the time I marrie,d i was sure that he was God’s will for me.

Now I want to be sure I do God’s will. Thats all I want. So I am determined to be completely okay with being single always - because that might be what God wants for me. As far as dating, I am not going to seek any dating, just leave that completely in God’s hands. For me, that seems right. Also I will seek an annullment. I want the Church’s judgement on my marriage, even if I gain a conviction that God is calling me to never remarry. And I understand going through the annullment process is a real healing process. So I hope someday you cna have that too.

So thats the perspective of one person who was in your shoes not too long ago. The pains don’t stay that strong. They just can’t. I hope that helps.

Excellent posts!!!

 

[GraceDK]

As I said: give your son to his dad to be there half the time… as someone said, it will take the fairytale-element out of his cheating, because a woman that is so superficial as to be with another woman’s husband will probably easily get tired of the fact that he has to be a dad all the time and change dipers… And then your husband will discover that no one will love his son like you do… and when he looks into his son’s eyes he might get struck by remorse for his selfishness …

Seriously… do it!.. give him a piece of REAL LIFE.

 

[Eliza10]

As I said: give your son to his dad to be there half the time… as someone said, it will take the fairytale-element out of his cheating, because a woman that is so superficial as to be with another woman’s husband will probably easily get tired of the fact that he has to be a dad all the time and change dipers…

…Seriously… do it!.. give him a piece of REAL LIFE…

I see the logic, but i wouldn’t do it that way.
The baby needs all the love he can get right now; his mother is grieving, and he feels it. Even though what you said makes sense, its not fair to use the baby to teach him a lesson. Which he probably will not learn. We can see he doesn’t think right.

Everything done with and for the baby has to be in the baby’s best interest.

I am so grateful my son is not with his father half the time. I don’t want him raised in a shack-up, no religion, no faith home of two self-worshipping people, along with two teens being raised differently than I want to raise my son. With a woman who would cheat on her own nice husband, with someone else’s. I want him raised where values are taught and lived. Thats with me.

Dividing up my son for weekend visits (not every weekend, thank God) was another wrenching loss at a time of many losses. I am so grateful my home did not explode when my son was young. If it did, I also would not want my baby’s diapers changed or him to be fed in the hands of someone who did not adore him, who puts their own being adored above that of the baby.

… And then your husband will discover that no one will love his son like you do… and when he looks into his son’s eyes he might get struck by remorse for his selfishness …

I don’t think he would discover this. He already had many years to realize his wife loved him enough to be willing to live in his parents home when he couldn’t provide one, his wife was wiling to work fulltime not only before but after his baby was born, to provide for them, since he couldn’t. He had a lot of years to discover who he was married to, and he’s not going to realize it now that he is infatuated and in lust.

 

[marietta]

There is such potential for the baby to be harmed, even physically, if passed off to the “husband” in an effort to give him a dose of “real life” that I wouldn’t find the action advisable. Even the “new soul mate” might have reason to hurt this child - it just isn’t a wise move.

This man has lost any rights to participate in his son’s life - he is nothing but a DNA donor. The mother’s neat trick is going to be raising him up without contaminating his mind about what his father has done. He will need to understand at a cellular level that he was and is not responsible for his father’s behavior. He will need guidance and patience along the way as he learns how a boy becomes a stand-up, responsible, caring man. The temptation will be to remind him to not be like his father. How about simply removing the donor from the equation and instead surrounding the boy with the kind of men he should strive to be?

I appreciate the truth that God does not interfere in the will of man. We set our own courses here, and every action has a ripple effect. Divorce can cause a vortex into which we are pulled, against our will, in confusion, in fear, with anger and bitterness. But the waters will calm. Life goes on. We make smarter choices. We process our resentments and learn from our mistakes and the mistakes of others. And across time, the roller coaster ride doesn’t get any less dramatic: we just learn to ride better.

marietta

 

[Eliza10]

Really well said, Marietta.

…http://www.sfcs.org.uk/images/c9.jpg

 

[GraceDK]

There is such potential for the baby to be harmed, even physically, if passed off to the “husband” in an effort to give him a dose of “real life” that I wouldn’t find the action advisable. Even the “new soul mate” might have reason to hurt this child - it just isn’t a wise move.

This man has lost any rights to participate in his son’s life - he is nothing but a DNA donor. The mother’s neat trick is going to be raising him up without contaminating his mind about what his father has done. He will need to understand at a cellular level that he was and is not responsible for his father’s behavior. He will need guidance and patience along the way as he learns how a boy becomes a stand-up, responsible, caring man. The temptation will be to remind him to not be like his father. How about simply removing the donor from the equation and instead surrounding the boy with the kind of men he should strive to be?

I appreciate the truth that God does not interfere in the will of man. We set our own courses here, and every action has a ripple effect. Divorce can cause a vortex into which we are pulled, against our will, in confusion, in fear, with anger and bitterness. But the waters will calm. Life goes on. We make smarter choices. We process our resentments and learn from our mistakes and the mistakes of others. And across time, the roller coaster ride doesn’t get any less dramatic: we just learn to ride better.

marietta

I dissagree very much with this post. I believe that the husband needs a reality shock and it may take only a little while to give him that shock provided the baby is handed over to him … after all he is the dad… and not only a DNA-doner…

Maybe that would even bring him to repentance so that a divorce might not be needed after all…

You’d almost think the husband was high on drugs in order to behave like such an ******

 

[marietta]

And if the “husband” is on drugs, would you want to hand that baby over to him?

It’s not unthinkable that this man is impaired through the use of one substance or another. Alcohol might make him maudlin and imperil the child. Cannabis might make him careless and imperil the child. Crack might make him even more narcissistic than he already is, ready to trade anything for his next hit. Baby-selling is not unheard-of in the drug world. There is a high premium on the head of an infant, as adoptions are complicated and can take an excruciatingly long time to process. It’s unfortunate, but most adoptive parents are seeking infants and not older children. This baby has value in that market.

I was ordered by the courts to permit my ex-husband visitation rights with our young daughter. Many is the time I watched him drive off with her in the car seat, knowing he had been drinking and would continue to drink throughout the weekend. I did not have a leg to stand on in this arena. He married another alcoholic, and the two of them would drink/fight/drink/fight all during her visitation. Yet they would not allow her to sit on their brand-new furniture and, eventually, they dimantled her bedroom so she didn’t even have a place to sleep. They gave away her toys and books. It was as if she were dead.

She pleaded with me to keep her home during his permitted visitations. I tried to be decent and fair with him, but after a time I had enough and told him I did not care what the courts said, the important voice was her voice, and she was not going to see him until and unless she chose to. No argument there. Big burden lifted from the shoulders of this worthless man.

His Mother’s Day greeting to me was an e-mail which read, “Happy Mother’s Day. Thanks.”

For what?

marietta

 

[dulcissima]

There has been nothing said by the OP in this thread to indiacte that her husband has a substance abuse problem. What a mother going through a divorce needs to do is to act in the best interest of her child. This baby is not a tool of revenge, and should not be turned over to spend unreasonably long periods of time with his father as a “reality check” or to be withheld from his father for not honoring his marriage vows. The mother I hope will do all that she can to see that her husband maintains an active and helthy relationship with his son, realizing all along that this ideal may not be possible, but to at least know that she has done her best to encourage this. This will also be the prference of the court when determining custody.

 

[GraceDK]

There has been nothing said by the OP in this thread to indiacte that her husband has a substance abuse problem. What a mother going through a divorce needs to do is to act in the best interest of her child. This baby is not a tool of revenge, and should not be turned over to spend unreasonably long periods of time with his father as a “reality check” or to be withheld from his father for not honoring his marriage vows. The mother I hope will do all that she can to see that her husband maintains an active and helthy relationship with his son, realizing all along that this ideal may not be possible, but to at least know that she has done her best to encourage this. This will also be the prference of the court when determining custody.

Okay… sure… it should not be for revenge or reality shock (only) but I think it would be only natural that this young man has his son half time to take care off. he is the parent just as much as the mom… and it would not be so easy for men to hit the road if they knew that their abandoned wife did not NATURALLY take the baby all the time…

 

[dulcissima]

Okay… sure… it should not be for revenge or reality shock (only) but I think it would be only natural that this young man has his son half time to take care off. he is the parent just as much as the mom… and it would not be so easy for men to hit the road if they knew that their abandoned wife did not NATURALLY take the baby all the time…

The thing is though that women naturally do take care of the baby. It is in our nature. Chances are, it is not going to be in this dad’s nature to give the child that kind of care for half the time, especially if he is someone who left his marriage because he was jealous of the attention the baby was getting. So, it’s not going to be in the best interest of the child to spend so much time in the care of someone who is only interested in their own “needs” and who isn’t willing to sacrifice for his child.

I know that there is a certain element of justice that you are seeking here, but the truth is, the more custody the dad has, the less support he will have to pay the mom. So, 50% custody for the dad not only would likely not be so great for the child, but would also make things more difficult for the mother.

 

[marietta]

No one said this father had a substance abuse problem. It was, however, suggested as a possible explanation for his behavior in a post by GraceDK. It is entirely possible that he does have a substance abuse problem and his wife never knew it. Addicts and recreational drug users alike are cunning in their abilities to hide their addictions.

Standard visitation, at least in Texas 20 years ago, was rotating weekends with holidays negotiated. Either party could appeal for more time through the attorneys and/or the courts. As my daughter grew older (old enough to sense that she was unwelcome in her father’s home, although he made a scene about demanding his “rightful” visitation), she was courageous enough to tell me she did not want to be around her father anymore. All along he was drinking. For the greater good I informed him that, by her choice, she would not be staying at his home any longer. He did come to the house a few times to pick her up and take her to lunch and a movie, but that was the end of the loving father charade for all concerned.

This woman’s husband walked away from his family. Any second chance would be book-ended by the fear that he would do it again. The mother would be behind the eight ball here: she’d better act right or he might leave. Dinner had better be on the table by 6:00 or he might leave. She’d better change that kid’s diaper for the 15th time today or he might leave.

Why would she be anxious to allow him back into her life? I often read posts here about the “good Catholic family man”. Seems like there’s an opening here for one, if that’s what she wants. She certainly won’t get it with the scoundrel who dumped her and this baby.

marietta

 

[hasikelee]

Your story sounds almost identical to the story Dr. Harley uses in his book, “His Needs, Her Needs.” Maybe reading it will give you some insight?

www.marriagebuilders.com

 

[marietta]

hasikelee:

You tread so lightly here - “insight”??

I’m not inspired to navigate somebody’s website or read yet another self-help book to tell me how to make a marriage work - my divorce was final in 1989 and it’s not a situation I intend to get myself into ever again. This makes Dr. Harley and his advice moot as far as providing me “insight”, advice or any other thing remotely related to the subjects of romantic love, marriage and compatability.

I know there are marriages out there that seem to be evolving because some of you are still immersed in the “work” of it. I just choose to share my experience, strength and, yes, even hope with people who do not live inside the neat lines of society’s expectations with regard to marriage, or who have found themselves in territory so foreign that platitudes and slogans fail to give them comfort.

I don’t guess your husband’s ever tried to run you and your kid down the with car, huh?

marietta

 

[hasikelee]

hasikelee:

You tread so lightly here - “insight”??

I’m not inspired to navigate somebody’s website or read yet another self-help book to tell me how to make a marriage work - my divorce was final in 1989 and it’s not a situation I intend to get myself into ever again. This makes Dr. Harley and his advice moot as far as providing me “insight”, advice or any other thing remotely related to the subjects of romantic love, marriage and compatability.

I know there are marriages out there that seem to be evolving because some of you are still immersed in the “work” of it. I just choose to share my experience, strength and, yes, even hope with people who do not live inside the neat lines of society’s expectations with regard to marriage, or who have found themselves in territory so foreign that platitudes and slogans fail to give them comfort.

I don’t guess your husband’s ever tried to run you and your kid down the with car, huh?

marietta

Hi,

I don’t know who you are, but have you considered working privately on this issue before posting on a public online forum? You mention the year '89, but you sound quite aggravated by the issue. I didn’t respond to you. I responded to the person who started this thread.

 

[marietta]

hasikelee:

WHOA!! TWO GIANT STEPS BACK AND A BIG MEA CULPA!!

Maybe it would help if you addressed your post to a particular person. I was just going chronologically.

However, my posts have been directly relevant to the topic at hand. Have I worked privately on this issue? Most certainly. Yes, I divorced 19 years ago. Does that mean my processes and my experience have no validity here? I reserve the right to feel the way I genuinely feel about the demise of my “marriage” and the hateful pettiness which my ex-husband interjected into every aspect of the events. Do you think this stuff just goes away?

Anger is permissible on a public online forum. Without contrast, what can anyone learn? If everyone’s experience is the same, then just shut the whole thing down tonight - it is useless.

marietta

 

[masondoggy]

Can we not assume her husband gave her the most upfront explanation?

Um, er, yea…and he’s already been proven a liar, hasn’t he?

 

[masondoggy]

To the OP, my heart soooooo goes out to you. I have BTDT, left with a newborn and a toddler while hubby thought it was fun to fool around with my cousin. Let me assure you, I DID NOT DO ANYTHING TO DESERVE WHAT HE DID. And he will acknowledge as much today. Today…9 years later after God graciously intervened and change DH’s heart and gave him the grace of repentance…and taught him how to be a good husband and father to his family. It can happen. My life is living proof.

DON’T GIVE UP YOUR FAITH.

 

[Primrose]

As I said: give your son to his dad to be there half the time… as someone said, it will take the fairytale-element out of his cheating, because a woman that is so superficial as to be with another woman’s husband will probably easily get tired of the fact that he has to be a dad all the time and change dipers… And then your husband will discover that no one will love his son like you do… and when he looks into his son’s eyes he might get struck by remorse for his selfishness …

Seriously… do it!.. give him a piece of REAL LIFE.

I don’t agree with this advice.

I’m in the 2nd year of my separation (soon to be divorced). My ex husband is living with his girlfriend (who is 10 years older than me, I’m 34). He ended it on St Patricks day last year which also happened to be our 2nd daughter’s 5th birthday and also English Mother’s day, so he was very thoughful. He’d been sleeping with his girlfriend when I was pregnant with our 4th child (who’s now 22 months).

I have only just started the older children (8, 6, & 4 yrs) staying with him and his girlfriend every sunday. Before he was sleeping on the couch at my house, crazy I know but I didn’t want my children near him and his girlfriend at their house, I got to the point where I didn’t want him in the house but I kept my feelings out of his relationship with the kids. So now they go, he’s a better father (takes them out and does fun stuff, which does hurt because it is what I wanted him to do when we were married, but the kids are happy and that is what is important). My youngest I’m waiting till she’s 2. It is really for my sake, she’s my baby, but I know she does have to spend time with her father, so she will in a month or so.

I didn’t agree with the above post because thinking it will show them what looking after a baby is all about won’t show them at all. They’ll only have him for a night or 2 that is just a visit, not real life.

You let your son visit his father on your terms, but do be fair, it is important that your son has a relationship with him. It is hard letting them go with ‘the other woman’ but as hard as it is she is probably a nice decent person. I was humbled by God a few week ends ago when I had to talk to my ex’s girlfriend because the kids were ill. I was so surprised at how decent and nice I was being and I feel the Holy Spirit showing me to love the person not the sin. Forgiveness is hard but so worth it.

You’re a beautiful woman, God loves you and is with you in all of this. It hurts, let it out cry, just put one foot infront of the other, it does get easier. Don’t be ####### yourself

Primrose:thumbsup:

 

[Primrose]

It was meant to read ‘don’t be ####### yourself’.

Primrose

 

[Primrose]

ok, I was trying to say don’t be tough on yourself. Give yourself a break. God is good and you learn heaps about Him and yourself. Kind of like the refiners fire. His heart is aching but we do need pruning and we wouldn’t be the people we are if everything was easy (although I would like some easy times but Iknow they’ll come)

Primrose