Heartbroken by divorce

[dulcissima]

Norcal73,

I think it is possible from some of what you have shared about your husband, why he left the marriage, and what he is doing now with the divorce that you are married to someone that is a narcissist. Do a google search for narcissistic personality disorder and see if you can recognize your husband in the description. If you think that this might be the case, I will really recommend that you find a good counselor for yourself, because you will really need the support. This is the most difficult personality type to divorce. They will try to throw you off balance and gain sympathy by assailing your character, making untrue accusations about you, and projecting their own serious personal problem onto you. I say this not to heap extra worries onto you, but just so that you are not totally unprepared when/if it happens, so that you know it is not just you.

Praying that you are finding the strength and support that you need.

 

[Link21]

I’m posting this reply to NorCal73
First I must say it’s alwfull to be in your situation. The emotional impact of the lost of a partner is worse than the crime he’s done. I would really go up to him and say, “Hey, you really want to depart? Can’t we do things together?” You could drop the baby off once in a while to a baby sitter’s home or your parent’s home. If this the issue that he has that you’re spending too much attention with the baby and not with him. He may just feel a little empty inside and he’s just going through a mid life crisis. Maybe try and bring back the time when you just first meet and what you did together. This may repair the relationship. Of course, this would all be done if he’s willing to apologize and the two of you talk about the issues you have with one another through a mediator. But someday, invite him over for dinner, have your mom gone from the home, and try to implore to him we can work this out just like in the good old days when we first meet.
Try this is first before going through the proceedings. And if you do have to divorce I know some states use a mediator to solve divorces. It’s cheaper and it’s not fighting with one another. If I were you I’d make one last attempt to be together not because you need too, but for the two of you too be better in the long run. And for the child you have now.

 

[NorCal73]

Link21, I have already tried to work out any problems with my husband. After he told me he wanted a divorce, I begged him to speak to a priest or go to counseling with me. I told him whatever problems he thought we had could be worked out, that there was nothing we couldn’t overcome, especially for our baby. He refused any kind of reconciliation and just told me I needed to move on. He never gave me the opportunity to work any problems out. He never, not even once, in our entire 18 years together came up to me and said he was unhappy or anything of that nature. Just out of the blue, he said he was having an affair, that it just happened in the last couple of months, and he realized there was something better out there, and just wanted out. I would have done anything for him or for our marriage to work out. I thought we had a solid marriage, especially after the baby was born. I felt so happy and complete, but apparently he didn’t.

 

[Link21]

I do want to say one thing form out of my own experience. When I got married 2 years and two months ago, I’ve learned that marriage is like a rollor coaster life. Of course, at the start it was bad, mostly on my part. I had depression that had accumulated over 8 years. I didn’t know that it had started when I was 14. I almost died from it. Luckily, I went to Russia with my wife and medicine was switched. And I was on the edge of dying. It was the worse then you could imagine. Not being able to work, volient seizuers, being in a state of a trance, movement problems of nerves. It was all connected with the brain. Anyway, my wife saw all this. And exsttensive testing was done on my brain.
Ten years of chronic pain in the sinsus nearly killed me. And now it’s finally clearing up. For 2/5 of my life I’ve been blaming myself over and over again as what happened when I was 14. Now, I’m 24, and my depression was detected at age 21. It is still very hard for me to for give myself as what happened to me at the age 14. Repeat a message in your head day after day 100 times for 7 years striaght. It screws with you pyschologically.
A sinsus infection almost killed me and almost took my hearing.
I’m just saying work on your problems if you can and tell him as well. If it wasn’t for my wife I’d be nine feet under now.

 

[Restore]

Dear NorCal,

I’d like to give you support, my prayers and encouragement as you go through this difficult time in your life. I can speak from experience and have heard the same words your husband told you from my own husband 3 1/2 years ago. From what I’ve learned these past 3 years is that God is good and He may have allowed this evil (adultery) to come into your life to “bring a greater good”. ( I am quoting from Fr. Corapi of EWTN and Catholic Radio).It is so true.

The first year of our separation and subsequent divorce the following year were fraught with anger, hurt, fear and bewilderment. Friends around me advised that I must move on, get a powerful lawyer and punish my husband. I believed instead that there must be a better way. I want my marriage restored and my family united again. But how?

I looked into Retrovaille but it's for couples who are willing to BOTH try and that there must not be any 3rd party present.  There's no support group that I know of in my parish that focuses on marriage restoration.  I did not want divorce recovery.  Even my parish priest told me that he would support me if I should choose to divorce my husband.  I was shocked because what I wanted to hear was support for my quest in the restoration of my marriage. Even prayers!!

Instead I found a non-denominational group called Rejoice Marriage Ministries that taught me not only to rely on God and the scripture but also helped deepen my Catholic faith.  It has been an incredible journey.  I decided to fight my husband's way of life with prayer, the Bible, the Eucharist and the Rosary.  The result is that our 2 daughters (10 and 14) learned to pray the rosary and have become more attentive at Mass.  My husband has been going to Mass with us on his own every Sunday.  He has been coming home to have meals with us.  This is such a contrast when 3 years ago he couldn't even bear to set foot inside our house let alone share a meal with us.  He pays for almost all our bills and most of all, there is no longer a hate wall between us.

My husband is still with the other woman and they have a child together.  But by the grace of God  I can't help but love this child.  Where did that love come from?  Only from God.  Yes, I still pray my husband home but more importantly I pray that God will turn my husband's heart towards Him first and eventually to our marriage and myself.  Adultery is a mortal sin and my husband needs prayers so that he will be in the state of grace.  In other words, he needs to be turned around.  

I don't ask God how He will restore our marriage.  It looks impossible to me but Jesus said "nothing is impossible with God".  I stopped asking God when He will restore our marriage because He also said "it is not for me to know the time".

In the next few days, weeks, months get close to Jesus and to His mother, the Blessed Virgin. Pray to the HolySpirit to help your husband hear God’s voice. Ask God to mold you and your husband to be the kind of spouse He wants you both to be for each other. In other words, seek God’s will in ALL aspects of your life and make Him the center of your life. Ask God to give you the grace as you wait for the restoration of your marriage. As Jesus said “ask and it shall be given to you” in accordance to God’s will. Go to Mass and remember that the Eucharist is Christ’s presence. Finally, read about our saints such as St. Monica, St. Rita of Cascia and, a woman I’ve just read about, Elizabeth Lesseur, who prayed for their wayward spouses and sons and God turned them around.
May God's blessings be with you. Take care and be encouraged.

 

[dulcissima]

Restore, I am really happy that you have been able to give up your hurt and stay loving, but I really have to wonder if you have set up a fantasy world that might not be in the best interest of the parties involved. What you are doing is enabling your husband to live comfortably in a state of mortal sin. The best thing that could happen to your husband is that he would feel so uncomfortable with what he is doing, that he would hit bottom, repent and change his ways.

You might want to have a real heart to heart with him about what his understanding of marriage was at the time he married you compared to what it is now. If he was lacking the proper intentions as far as permanence or exclusivity, or if there had been a problem with consent at the time that you exchanged vows, don’t you think it would be better for the state of his soul to have this investigated by a tribunal? It is a blessing to be released from an invalid marriage, to have some hope of making things right again in your life. It sounds possibly like your husband is trapped in a state where he doesn’t have any idea how to possibly make things right. I’m also hoping that he is not taking communion when he goes to Mass with you…

Believe me, I am not trying to suggest that I know everything. Just I am a big believer that it is a real blessing to face the consequences of our wrong behaviors so that we learn to choose better. This is true when raising children. The worst children are the ones whose parents protect them from the consequences of their behavior.

 

[Eliza10]

Restore, …I really have to wonder if you have set up a fantasy world that might not be in the best interest of the parties involved. What you are doing is enabling your husband to live comfortably in a state of mortal sin…

I have the same thoughts about fantasy, and the same thought that she is helping him to keep sinning.

 

[WICatholic]

Restore, I am really happy that you have been able to give up your hurt and stay loving, but I really have to wonder if you have set up a fantasy world that might not be in the best interest of the parties involved. What you are doing is enabling your husband to live comfortably in a state of mortal sin. The best thing that could happen to your husband is that he would feel so uncomfortable with what he is doing, that he would hit bottom, repent and change his ways.

I have the same thoughts about fantasy, and the same thought that she is helping him to keep sinning.

Her husband, not her, is responsible for his sin, and his choosing to continue in that sin.

The Holy Spirit has the job of convicting someone, not her.

The only person she can change is herself, and she has been working on that aspect. Forgiveness is a hard choice to make, but she has chosen it.

What she is doing is honoring her wedding vows. What she is doing is honorable, and it is also not only Church teaching, but is outlined clearly in 1Cor 7:10-11 “To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband, (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.”

What responses like these are doing is not honoring the words of JPII:

**But it is also proper to recognize the value of the witness of those spouses who, even when abandoned by their partner, with the strength of faith and of Christian hope have not entered a new union: These spouses too give an authentic witness to fidelity, of which the world today has a great need. For this reason they must be encouraged and helped by the pastors and the faithful of the church. **~~FAMILIARIS CONSORTIO Pope John Paul II 12/15/1981 (Sec 20)

Restore is not the only one who is standing for their marriage and praying their spouses home first to Him, then to the family. There are MANY who have done this, and MANY who still are, and will continue to do so.

It is not a fantasy world. It is a choice to honor our vows til the death of one of the spouses, just as we said we would on our wedding day. Our marriages are valid, because ALL first marriages are presumed to be so.

Katherine (or Catherine) of Aragon was not living in a fantasy world when she wrote her letters to her husband and signed them as she did, even though he divorced her and ‘moved on’. She never gave in to his wishes that she no longer call herself his wife… or the Queen of England.

Just because society tells us to move on does not make it right to do so.

 

[cecilia97]

Her husband, not her, is responsible for his sin, and his choosing to continue in that sin.

The Holy Spirit has the job of convicting someone, not her.

The only person she can change is herself, and she has been working on that aspect. Forgiveness is a hard choice to make, but she has chosen it.

What she is doing is honoring her wedding vows. What she is doing is honorable, and it is also not only Church teaching, but is outlined clearly in 1Cor 7:10-11 “To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband, (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.”

What responses like these are doing is not honoring the words of JPII:

But it is also proper to recognize the value of the witness of those spouses who, even when abandoned by their partner, with the strength of faith and of Christian hope have not entered a new union: These spouses too give an authentic witness to fidelity, of which the world today has a great need. For this reason they must be encouraged and helped by the pastors and the faithful of the church. ~~FAMILIARIS CONSORTIO Pope John Paul II 12/15/1981 (Sec 20)

Restore is not the only one who is standing for their marriage and praying their spouses home first to Him, then to the family. There are MANY who have done this, and MANY who still are, and will continue to do so.

It is not a fantasy world. It is a choice to honor our vows til the death of one of the spouses, just as we said we would on our wedding day. Our marriages are valid, because ALL first marriages are presumed to be so.

Katherine (or Catherine) of Aragon was not living in a fantasy world when she wrote her letters to her husband and signed them as she did, even though he divorced her and ‘moved on’. She never gave in to his wishes that she no longer call herself his wife… or the Queen of England.

Just because society tells us to move on does not make it right to do so.

But there are separate issues here. Nowhere is it written that someone who separates/divorces from a spouse cannot ALSO pray for them and ALSO not jump right into another relationship. (I’m raising my hand right now!) I see no conflict between dulcissima’s statements and the passage you quoted from JP2.

It’s more an issue of what each person might see as “enabling” bad behavior.

God bless Restore for her charity…I might be able to worship shoulder-to-shoulder with my ex, and I would call an ambulance if I saw him hurt on the side of the road, but he would NEVER be welcome in my home without first offering an apology.

have to add…concerning the scripture about reconciling…even God asks that we repent and beg forgiveness before reconciling us to him.

 

[WICatholic]

But there are separate issues here. Nowhere is it written that someone who separates/divorces from a spouse cannot ALSO pray for them and ALSO not jump right into another relationship. (I’m raising my hand right now!) I see no conflict between dulcissima’s statements and the passage you quoted from JP2.

It’s more an issue of what each person might see as “enabling” bad behavior.

God bless Restore for her charity…I might be able to worship shoulder-to-shoulder with my ex, and I would call an ambulance if I saw him hurt on the side of the road, but he would NEVER be welcome in my home without first offering an apology.

have to add…concerning the scripture about reconciling…even God asks that we repent and beg forgiveness before reconciling us to him.

They are not reconciled yet. He has not repented yet. However, she is not reponsible to God for HIS actions, only for HERS.

I think you may need to read FAMILIARIS CONSORTIO in its entirety. This small portion I have taken is related only to those who choose to live their vows no matter what man’s divorce court (and family, friends, and neighbors) have to say about ‘moving on’, ‘get an annulment’, etc as is the usual route today.

There is a conflict between what was said and what JPII said. A huge one. JPII said that those of us who do not do it the way society says we should do, but instead, choose to love honor and cherish the person, while not condoning the sin–(remember that saying…love the sinner, hate the sin?)

---

These spouses too give an authentic witness to fidelity, of which the world today has a great need. For this reason they must be encouraged and helped by the pastors and the faithful of the church*.**

Telling someone who is standing for their marriage that they are enabling him to continue in Mortal Sin and living in a fantasy world just is not encouraging, nor help by the faithful of the Church.

The parables that I have read where Jesus forgave people of their sin very seldom had the person asking for forgiveness first. St Dismas… but the woman at the well, the woman caught in adultery… I don’t remember Jesus waiting for an apology before He told them that they were living in Sin, and that He forgave them, go and sin no more.

In fact, it is also Scriptural to not let the sun go down on your anger, and to forgive seventy times seven (and there is no conditional 'forgive them if they ask for it, withhold it if they don’t, until they do)…

Forgiveness is a choice. It is freely given whether the person deserves it or not, because it is our unforgiveness that Jesus speaks about in the Our Father. (Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us). “Like the Lord, on the Cross, I forgive” are the words to a song I heard long ago when I also did not want to forgive my spouse until he asked me to. Does not mean I approve of what he is doing, nor that I accept what he is doing. But for me to be able to go to the Lord worthily, I must forgive. Remember the parable about the man who went to the Temple, but once there, he remembered someone he had a grudge against? He had to put his sacrifice down, and go to that person and reconcile before he could continue what he had gone to do.

I was a prime enabler at one time. I was angry, also. I was meeting my own needs when I was enabling, not his. A 12 Step program taught me how to hate the sin, love the sinner, and stop enabling. but that same 12 Step program taught me the Old Timer’s prayer when I was not ready to forgive. “Lord, make me willing to be willing to be willing to be willing to forgive”. Eventually some of those ‘willing tos’ fall away, and you finally get to “Lord, I forgive”.

It is very freeing. It isn’t a feeling. It is a choice.

That same 12 Step program taught me that it was I who had to go to him and ask HIM for forgiveness for specific things I had said/done over the years (sins of commission/ommission), and make reparation for those actions. That is very Catholic. Very Catholic.

But it is the honestly that stops the enabling behavior, the manipulative behavior, and sets the captive (me) free. Not free from my vows, but free from my sin.

HIS sin is not for me to work on. That is God’s job.

One aspect of the Vocation of Marriage is aiding your spouse to salvation. Restore has learned that, and it is her faithfulness, her prayers, her faith, and her forgiveness that allows God to move and work in their lives.

Again, labeling faithfulness to one’s vows/spouse in bad times, in poorer times, etc, and telling that faithful person that they are living in a fantasy is not at all what JPII says to do here…

---

These spouses too give an authentic witness to fidelity, of which the world today has a great need. For this reason they must be encouraged and helped by the pastors and the faithful of the church*.**

God bless!

 

[marietta]

WICatholic:

ALL first marriages are not presumed by the Church to be valid, only those officiated by a priest and which take place in the Church, am I right? Don’t forget there are lots of us out here who were not married in the Church.

After reading your posts, not only will I never marry again, I will never even have coffee with a person of the opposite sex.

marietta

 

[dulcissima]

Just to clarify, I did not tell Restore that she was living in a fantasy world. I asked her if she was. I was inviting her to think about that possibility. She is the only one that can know that.

When I first left my husband, it was after being married for 17 years, and under the advice of my priest. I had soooo much pressure from well meaning people that I had to not give up and work it out. There comes a time though, where it’s not such a good idea to live in a state of suspended animation for ever, with your real life in the hear and now always on hold for the someday where your spouse might actually get it and want to work on things. I realized, and I am speaking here about myself and not casting judgments on anyone else, that I enabled my then husband, that I made it all too easy on him. Leaving him to face the consequences of his destructive behavior I realized was the best thing for him, since he had taken all of my attempts to make things right as opportunities for maintaining a status quo that was no good for anybody.

We are divorced, and I have gone through the whole soul searching process of petitioning for a declaration of nullity. I think I have found a lot of truth and a lot of peace along the way. It is my firm conviction that to be trapped in and bound to a marriage that is invalid is a victory for Satan. There is all of the difference in the world between that and standing for a marriage that is valid but which one party left.

 

[Eliza10]

But there are separate issues here. Nowhere is it written that someone who separates/divorces from a spouse cannot ALSO pray for them and ALSO not jump right into another relationship. (I’m raising my hand right now!)…

Me too! I have forgiven my husband. I forgave him continually throughout our marraige and I continue to forgive him daily today. Its been three years since I discovered his adulterous betrayal and he put us through a most dificult divorce and custody battle that cost me every thing I ever worked for. But I pray for his salvation daily and I will always. Also, I have certainly not jumped right into another relationship.

Unlike Restore, I do not have any friends who ever told me I needed to punish my husband. Goodness, no. I have friends who turned out to me not friends when I divorced, but I guess they all knew me better than to suggest I punish him.

But I disagree with Restore that its a disparagable thing to hire a very good lawyer. When you, against your will, have to put your child’s future into the hands of a court system that you cannot count on to support your values, then you need the best you can hire to knowledgably fight for your interests - your childs - when it comes to creating that document that will rule your life for the next several years.

I see no conflict between dulcissima’s statements and the passage you quoted from JP2…

Nor do I. Because there is none!

It’s more an issue of what each person might see as “enabling” bad behavior…God bless Restore for her charity…

God bless her for her charity. And it is understandable that pain and fear could lead her to act in a way that is going to help her husband continue merrily in his sin. Sometimes your own fear of pain and loss can keep you from doing what is wise and what is best for the other person.

I might be able to worship shoulder-to-shoulder with my ex, and I would call an ambulance if I saw him hurt on the side of the road, but he would NEVER be welcome in my home without first offering an apology…

To be “not welcoming” may seem uncharitable, yet I see that it is the more charitable option. He can see the natural result of his actions, and it may lead to repentance. Shielding him from any natural consequence encourages the sin.

I know because I shielded my husband all the years of our marraige from any natural reaction to his uncharitability. I was determined to be kind in the face of cruelty. I treated him not like he treated me, but how I wanted to be treated. Years of soft answers and soft reactions only made him *increasingly disrespectful. *

It was easy at the end for him to treat me wth the ultimate disrespect because it was so habitual by then, and in fact he was enraged when I drew boundaries, because he felt entitled to not have me draw any, ever. I realized that my years of cooperation with him had helped him become this way.

I remember at the end wondering whether he would have turned out better with a “scrappier” wife. I guess I didn’t want to be scrappy . And maybe that was selfishness on my part. Maybe the situation called for scrappy! A not-nice or not-kind response, consistently, to cruel behaviors and words may have formed a different man. Iron sharpens iron.* I was not iron.*

have to add…concerning the scripture about reconciling…even God asks that we repent and beg forgiveness before reconciling us to him.

Yes, that is His way. We must repent. Then He forgives. If we die refusing to repent we don’t get to heaven.

.http://www.spiritualite-chretienne.com/christ/miracles/Elie.jpg

 

[Eliza10]

… There comes a time though, where it’s not such a good idea to live in a state of suspended animation for ever, with your real life in the hear and now always on hold for the someday where your spouse might actually get it and want to work on things. .

“Living in a state of suspended animation” - I never thought of that phrase, but it describes how I lived my life so many years. And non-denom, Evangelical theology - pretty much just like that on the website that Restore linked here, kept me there.

The Evangelical faith is a shism of the true faith They have truth, but not the full deposit. The place to go for the true and complete doctrine of Jesus is the Catholic Church. You need truth to be set free. False teachings will enslave you. Even when they are mixed with lots of truth!

…I have gone through the whole soul searching process of petitioning for a declaration of nullity. I think I have found a lot of truth and a lot of peace along the way…

I am expecting mine to be declared invalid for good reason. I hope to start my process this year, as long as things even out a bit. Its been quite an adjustment moving forward and there hasn’t been so much time for reflection. I do want to learn what the Church has to teach me through the annulment petition process.

I used to fear the Chruch messed up on this like it has messed up on other things (like the forms of Mass, etc) but now I think it is more humble to just go throught the process and reserve my judgment until I have actually gone through it. If I find human incompetance and feel God’s will has not been done, then of course I will seek and do God’s will.

(Hope that makes sense. I mean, I will seek annulment. If I am not granted one, then I will honor the ruling of the Church and I will never remarry. If I am granted one, and I feel that Gods will is that I do not remarry, then I won’t.)

… It is my firm conviction that to be trapped in and bound to a marriage that is invalid is a victory for Satan…

That sounds true.

…There is all of the difference in the world between that and standing for a marriage that is valid but which one party left.

Yes. I don’t get the idea that WICatholic sees the difference? (He/she will have to tell us).

…http://churchofjesuschristlambofgod.org/images/jesus holding lamb.jpg

 

[whatevergirl]

Eliza–thank you for your posts. You are not only wise, but a very kindhearted woman, who I can see from your words–is truly a God filled person. God bless you–I’m sorry that things were hard for you…but by the grace of God, you were sheltered and emerged a very strong person, from what I can tell. I just wanted to say that I was moved by your post.

 

[cecilia97]

They are not reconciled yet. He has not repented yet. However, she is not reponsible to God for HIS actions, only for HERS.

Exactly. And while I’m a firm believer in forgiveness (didn’t I mention I pray for my ex?), and I believe it benefits the forgiver just as much or more than the forgiven, we are still not required to forgive someone while they are still wronging us and have not repented of it or asked our forgiveness.

You imply that everyone who divorces a wayward spouse has failed to forgive, seeks to remarry, etc. That is not always the case. You can forgive someone and choose not to live in the same house with them anymore.

 

[wardrandolph]

May I suggest a careful reading of Acts 7.Pray the Our Father and think about the words.Yes we are to forgive wheather or not they deserve it,repent or whatever.Forgiveness also frees us.Holding grudges can cause spiritual and physical problems.This dos’nt mean we are to be a door-mat but rather to not let anyone or anything hinder our relationship with our Lord.To the OP,still praying for you.May our Lord grant you peace and courage.

 

[Eliza10]

Thanks, Whatevergirl, for your very kind words. It is truly God’s grace if you can glimpse His work in me at times. For that I thank His Church - which is God’s ordinary way of imparting extrodinary graces!

…http://www.towardsthegoal.com/images/peopleandplaces/reconciliation.jpg

…http://designbymartha.com/seventh_grade/jesus.gif
…http://tulsavocations.org/wp-content/uploads/2007/08/pope_jpii_eucharistic_adoration.jpg

 

[WICatholic]

WICatholic:

ALL first marriages are not presumed by the Church to be valid, only those officiated by a priest and which take place in the Church, am I right? Don’t forget there are lots of us out here who were not married in the Church.

After reading your posts, not only will I never marry again, I will never even have coffee with a person of the opposite sex.

marietta

All first marriages have to be examined by the Church before one can marry again with the exception of widow/widowers who are free to do so if they choose to.

All first marriages are presumed valid until proven to be Null, and even then, that verdict can be overturned if there is new evidence found to the contrary.

Even those of Catholics who marry outside the Church (matter of Form) still have to be looked into, though it is a much more simple process of proving nullity.

However, two non-Catholics (baptized) are also in a Sacramental marriage unless it can be proven to have been Null. A Natural marriage (where at least one is not baptized) is also presumed to be valid.

I am not sure how to take the last part of your post.

 

[WICatholic]

Just to clarify, I did not tell Restore that she was living in a fantasy world. I asked her if she was. I was inviting her to think about that possibility. She is the only one that can know that.

I had quoted you in the previous posting, so I am aware of what was said. For those who don’t remember, I include it again.

Restore, I am really happy that you have been able to give up your hurt and stay loving, but I really have to wonder if you have set up a fantasy world that might not be in the best interest of the parties involved. What you are doing is enabling your husband to live comfortably in a state of mortal sin. The best thing that could happen to your husband is that he would feel so uncomfortable with what he is doing, that he would hit bottom, repent and change his ways.

I agree that you did not tell her, and suggested it may be a possibility. (Any idea how many times standers hear this? )
But you did tell her she is enabling her husband to live in Mortal Sin.

We are divorced, and I have gone through the whole soul searching process of petitioning for a declaration of nullity. I think I have found a lot of truth and a lot of peace along the way. It is my firm conviction that to be trapped in and bound to a marriage that is invalid is a victory for Satan. There is all of the difference in the world between that and standing for a marriage that is valid but which one party left.

It is my firm conviction that many very valid marriages are being destroyed by unilateral forced no fault divorce, and then being ‘enabled’ by Null decrees based on things that are not necessarily valid grounds. :crying: It is also my firm conviction that the source of this is the enemy himself, and is a very broad victory for him.

I have noticed also over the years that when anyone today discusses petitioning for a Decree of Nullity, very very few, if any, ever assume that they may very well be handed down a verdict of Valid.

And as gently as I am able to say this, believe me, I am saying it gently… Until that Null verdict is handed down, there is no way to know that the marriage is not valid, and even then, either party has the right to appeal if new evidence can be introduced.

There comes a time though, where it’s not such a good idea to live in a state of suspended animation for ever, with your real life in the hear and now always on hold for the someday where your spouse might actually get it and want to work on things.

Standing by one’s vows is not putting your life on hold (living in a state of suspended animation forever). My life would have gone on had my husband gone to war and been a POW, just as it has now. I have gone on to school, changed careers, traveled and done dental work in a foreign country, and plan of continuing my education until I get my Bachelor’s Degree, and perhaps even a second Associate Degree in one of my health professions. I have raised three children, putting them through Catholic education until they graduated from High School, sometimes by working two jobs to do so. I attended nearly every single sporting event they were ever involved in (my youngest got cheated there, as I had evening classes for a few of his…). I have attended Conferences in many different states, furthering my education, or my life in the Catholic Church. I can’t tell you how much I have done while living my wedding vows. I can guarantee you that we do not sit around waiting for God to Move.

We are also reconciled to the fact that our spouses may never choose God, never repent, and may end up losing salvation as a result of their free will. We are only responsible for what WE do, and we promised before God and man to live our vows until death.

Just a final thought, and again, this is just a thought…

Would the same things be said to a woman/man whose spouse was a POW? For in the spiritual battle being waged for the souls of our spouses and our children today, they can very easily be compared to POW’s or MIA’s, held captive by the very enemy that you named earlier.