Heartbroken. Girlfriend says I betrayed her, but she needed help

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My name is Rob. I’m 42
My Girlfriend is 39.
We are dating 8 months.
She is my world, and it’s mutual.
She feels I betrayed her when I talked to her family about her drinking that I was worried about 6 months ago. She just found out. I didn’t hide it, I forgot, since her family did nothing to help. She still trusts me, but is furious I did it and said she can’t get over it and wishes were were the same way we were before this happened, and she thought I was “the one”. I am torn up sad. I love her and she loves me, and she is heartbroken because she saw our future and this ruined it. Please help her understand I did it out of concern. I apologized for the way I did it. Please help. I love her so much ! Thanks !
 
You did the right thing by trying to get her help. That’s all you can do. You are not responsible for the trouble in your relationship, her drinking is. You made a tough decision and did it. Good job.

I have a relative who dated the same woman for a long, long time. She started drinking, and was hospitalized twice because of it. He tried. He couldn’t do more for her and he finally had to realize that she was destroying two lives. He ended the relationship, and as painful as it was, he’s better off for it. Not saying that’s what you need to do, but that even the end of the relationship is sometimes the better way to go.
 
i will pray for you. i don’t relaly know what else to say though. there is not that much information in your post. does she have a problem with drinking?
 
solid71 said:
Please help her understand I did it out of concern. I apologized for the way I did it.
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:rolleyes:

How can I help her when she never asked for my help?

Honestly, she is 39 way beyond the time where her parents need to know things to help her. All you did was betray her by going to HER parents with her dirt. If you went to YOUR parents for advice on what YOU could do, it is one thing. But to blab to a 39 year olds parents was out of line

If her drinking is such a concern, I would address it with her because if you are going to marry her, you are going to need to learn to work things out between you.

I agree, you did betray her.
 
If you spoke to her family about her drinking, it sounds like it was already to a level of being a problem. You said her family didn’t do anything about it. Maybe there’s not a lot they could do, as you are now seeing.

It’s really her problem. If it’s to a point you are fighting over her drinking, she is probably an alcoholic. It’s VERY difficult to date, or marry, an alcoholic. This also tends to get worse with time rather than better.

Many counselors would refuse to even do marriage counseling and the rest, until the alcoholic is in treatment. Many won’t, because they don’t think counseling would help until the underlying problem (alcohol) is first addressed.

If she is unwilling to admit she has a problem with alcohol and blame this on you, you would have a tough relationship. Right not, you are hurt. However, are you sure that’s really what you want?
 
If she “needed help” for drinking, as you say, she also needs to go to AA, but it doesn’t sound like she is willing to take that step quite yet.
 
“My name is Rob. I’m 42
My Girlfriend is 39.
We are dating 8 months.
She is my world, and it’s mutual.
She feels I betrayed her when I talked to her family about her drinking that I was worried about 6 months ago. She just found out. I didn’t hide it, I forgot, since her family did nothing to help. She still trusts me, but is furious I did it and said she can’t get over it and wishes were were the same way we were before this happened, and she thought I was “the one”. I am torn up sad. I love her and she loves me, and she is heartbroken because she saw our future and this ruined it. Please help her understand I did it out of concern. I apologized for the way I did it. Please help. I love her so much ! Thanks !”

Has she stopped drinking? She sounds so much more upset about the fact that you talked about her drinking, rather than repentant about the drinking itself. Believe me “the one” (and I really hate that terminology–it sounds really immature) would be very likely to seek outside help if it looked like she had a problem with alcohol. Does she really think that “the one” would just stand by and let her crawl into the bottle? And even if you were mistaken about her drinking and it really wasn’t as much of a problem as you thought, it’s not a moral failing on your part that you thought that she was in trouble and you tried to get help for her. That’s what a friend does.

Give her some time to cool down about this. Tell her, “I was trying to help you and I did the only thing I could think of at the time to help. Call me when you cool down. I love you,” or something along those lines.
 
Anglewannabe said:

“Honestly, she is 39 way beyond the time where her parents need to know things to help her. All you did was betray her by going to HER parents with her dirt. If you went to YOUR parents for advice on what YOU could do, it is one thing. But to blab to a 39 year olds parents was out of line.”

I have to disagree with this. On the one hand, you’re right that 39 is too old to tell on her to her family, on the other hand, if he’s already talked to her about her drinking and she won’t listen, what is he supposed to do if he cares about her? (That’s a big “if,” of course.)

I actually think it would be a lot worse to tell his family, as the in-law relationship is generally a much more delicate one, and telling his family that his girlfriend of two months is a heavy drinker could poison their relationship with her for life in a way that telling her family might not. Families differ, of course, but it’s generally true that we forgive blood relatives much faster than we forgive in-laws the same offences.
 
Anglewannabe said:
:rolleyes:

How can I help her when she never asked for my help?

Honestly, she is 39 way beyond the time where her parents need to know things to help her. All you did was betray her by going to HER parents with her dirt. If you went to YOUR parents for advice on what YOU could do, it is one thing. But to blab to a 39 year olds parents was out of line

If her drinking is such a concern, I would address it with her because if you are going to marry her, you are going to need to learn to work things out between you.

I agree, you did betray her.
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I agree! You may have done it out of concern, but she feels betrayed. Did you bring up your concerns about her drinking before you went to her parents? Has she admitted to having a problem with alcohol? She is a grown woman and it’s her that has to admit that she has a problem(if she has). If she is ok with her drinking and you are not ok with her drinking, then that’s your problem. Maybe you need to go to Al-anon.
 
If she wants you to hide her alcohol use from anyone for her, you didn’t “ruin” anything. Alcohol use that has to be kept a secret is problem use. Never allow each other that.
 
I tried to bring it up but she became an ogre when she drank.She started to drink during the day, as well.
 
solid71 said:
I tried to bring it up but she became an ogre when she drank.She started to drink during the day, as well.
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Then maybe you should look into Al-anon. You are responsible for you and not her. If and when she stops, it will be when she is ready. Good look 🙂
Oh…that depends on if you want to continue te relationship that is.
 
solid71 said:
My name is Rob. I’m 42
My Girlfriend is 39.
We are dating 8 months.
She is my world, and it’s mutual.
She feels I betrayed her when I talked to her family about her drinking that I was worried about 6 months ago. She just found out. I didn’t hide it, I forgot, since her family did nothing to help. She still trusts me, but is furious I did it and said she can’t get over it and wishes were were the same way we were before this happened, and she thought I was “the one”. I am torn up sad. I love her and she loves me, and she is heartbroken because she saw our future and this ruined it. Please help her understand I did it out of concern. I apologized for the way I did it. Please help. I love her so much ! Thanks !
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I think you did the right thing. Remember that alcoholics never think they have a problem them selves and therefore they rely on their beloved ones to do an intervention.

Just imagine how awful you would feel if something happened to her wile she where out driving her car or anything if you KNEW about her problems, but didnt do anything to prevent it from happening.

No, you did the only right thing.
If she wont stop drinking and choose the alcohol over you I think you deserve a lot better as you sound like a highquality person.

God Bless you. Im gonna dedicate a decade of my evening Rosary to you and your girlfriend. God Bless you.
 
solid71 said:
Thanks. I do, but that’s sadly her call right now.
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I would really suggest you read “Co-Dependent No More” by Melody Beattie if you see yourself with any kind of future with this girl, or else go to some Al-Anon meetings. She is trying to punish you for not keeping the secret of her alcohol abuse, which is to say she expects to make you into a co-dependent. Do not go there. What sort of treatment you will accept from her is your call to make, and woe to you if you don’t unfailingly expect the behaviors from her and from yourself required for a successful marriage.
solid71 said:
I tried to bring it up but she became an ogre when she drank.She started to drink during the day, as well
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Do not allow her a different set of behavioral standards because she is using alcohol. If she is using so much that she thinks the rules of polite behavior are not for her any more, then that crosses a line. If you were to accept different behavior from her because she was drinking, then you would be relieving her of the consequences of the actions she has chosen, enabling her to be more comfortable as an alcoholic. Don’t go there. If she chooses to drink and then violates boundaries, that’s the same as violating those boundaries when sober, because she was sober when she chose to start drinking. Yes–if she insults you by her behavior when drunk, it is the same as insulting you with it when sober.

If she doesn’t behave just as well with alcohol as without it and yet continues to drink, do not marry her. Period. Wish her the best, be her friend if you want, but do not under any circumstances marry someone who is choosing a life where alcohol is thought to be worth all the offenses it takes for her have it.
 
solid71 said:
Thanks. I do, but that’s sadly her call right now.
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My brother was in the same situation, except that he later married the drinker. He has been living in hell ever since. Even the priest told him to leave. Don’t do this to yourself. People do not change, especially at 39 years of age.
 
99th_Monkey said:
My brother was in the same situation, except that he later married the drinker. He has been living in hell ever since. Even the priest told him to leave. Don’t do this to yourself. People do not change, especially at 39 years of age.
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This is unfortunately the most likely outcome if there is a marriage. Her present attitude towards her alcohol use precludes a happy marriage, you’re absolutely right. It is very sad, because of course people who marry drinkers do it because they see the positive side of the person that is ruined by the drinking. 😦
 
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