Heartbroken over cheating spouse

[dashso40]

*I think that what is weighing heavily on proudfather, isn’t so much that he is seeking sole custody, although that was mentioned in the original post. But, rather that he has to even deal with this…and joint custody is rough on kids too. Divorce, no one wins. The kids lose the most. And no one here is arguing that point, but I think he is more saddened by the prospect of the entire situation, the daunting reality of putting the kids through any type of custody ‘battle.’

proudfather, I am so very sorry you’re going through this. I know we have said this a lot in this thread, but my heart aches knowing what you’re doing through. And my heart aches for your wife. On some level, she is lost…she is looking for something to satisfy her, that only God can do for her, if she would but let Him. She is trying to fill up a God-shaped hole, whatever has caused that hole in her life, with men. Please know we are praying for you here.*

Exactly, she is lost; on the outside, she looks like she has faith, but on the inside, she is a lost soul searching for something that only God can fulfill…It’s a lonely feeling to have no faith…and now she made her situation even worse by betraying her husband who loved her…

 

[Bluegoat]

I’d just like to point out that going through the courts for such things as custody is about the worst way to get a solution that works for anyone - mom, dad, kids. There are more and more lawyers who specialize in various forms of mediation which are designed to NOT be adversarial., whereas a court always runs on an adversarial model. It can be very difficult to do that kind of mediation, but parents who complete it are more satisfied with the outcomes, feel they have both put the kids first, and have a way to continue to communicate constructively as the kids get older and the situation changes.

I would also not assume that the mom wants to be the main custodian. She might be quite happy with shared custody or even some other arrangement. Parents have to talk about this together and really get down to the nitty-gritty about what they want for their kids. People who are having problems like the OPs wife are sometimes quite aware of it, and are willing to work around the concerns of the spouse for the well-being of the kids, especially if it’s approached non-confrontationally. (Which is much easier said than done.)

 

[daydreamer09]

Proud Father,

You’re post has been in my thoughts since I went through a similar battle (I responded to you previously).

I’m not sure how things are in OH but my plan here in CA was to have a “separation” and I spoke to a lawyer about writing up a marital separation agreement. It would have stated what would happen (financially and custody wise) in the event of a divorce. The plan after that was to actually live separately for a year and then divorce if things didn’t improve.

The above things gave me the emotional distance I needed and really gave a loud message to my spouse.

At the end of the day I was very happy that I waited until I was in a better emotional state before make a decision like divorce.