Heaven Joke

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Zundrah said:
:rotfl:Serves him right for calling out to Allah and Buddha!:rotfl:

xxx zundrah xxx
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Yeah! Given the fact that Siddhartha Gautama, the Buddha, preached a form of atheism and annhilationism of the notion of self, that’s a dumb thing to call on him? Theoretically his notion of self is annihilated and he’s in nirvana, the extinction of suffering and identity. Tough to call on that for help!!! LOL:D
 
A priest and a rabbi have been friends since childhood and often joked with each other about their chosen vocations. One day at a parish fair, the priest tells the rabbi, “I do wish you could eat some of this baked ham sandwich I’m having. It’s wonderful. Why don’t you take a bite, no one here knows you.” Without missing a beat, the rabbi answers, “I’ll be more than happy to cheat and eat a ham sandwich…at your wedding!”
 
gurneyhalleck1 said:
Here’s another Giants-Dodgers-Catholic joke.

**One day, while driving along, he saw a priest. He
thought he would do a good deed so he pulled over and
asked the priest where he was headed.

“I’m going to give mass at Grace Cathedral, a few
miles down the road.” replied the priest.

“Climb in father, and I will give you a lift.” said
the man.

The man and the priest continued down the road when
suddenly the man saw a Dodger fan walking down the
road and he instinctively swerved to hit him. But, as
usual, he swerved back just in time to miss him.

Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy,
he still heard a loud thud. Not knowing where the
noise came from, he glanced in the mirrors and still
couldn’t see anything.

He then remembered the priest sitting next to him. He
turned and said, “Sorry Father, I almost hit that
Dodger fan.”

“That’s okay,” replied the priest. “I got him with the
door.”**
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:rotfl:
 
rossum said:
Continuing the golf theme:A priest and one of his parishoners are playing golf. The parishoner plays his shot and muffs it. "!“£$%^&*, missed.”

The Priest warns him, “You shouldn’t swear like that. God will get angry.”

“Sorry Father.”

Unfortunately the parishoner is not a very good golfer and he ends up in a bunker at the next hole. "!“£$%^&*, missed.”

“God is going to get very angry with you if you carry on like that.”

“Sorry Father.”

However the parishoner’s golf does not improve and inevitably another shot goes wrong.

"!“£$%^&*, missed.”

This time a threatening ominous cloud suddenly appears from a clear sky, hovering above the two golfers. The parishoner starts looking worried, while the priest starts looking just a bit smug. Suddenly there is a massive bolt of lightning KRAK-BOOM!

The parishoner is left amazed, and a bit puzzled, looking at a smoking hole in the ground where the priest was standing.

A deep booming voice comes from the heavens, "!“£$%^&*, missed.”
rossum
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:rotfl:

😃rossum this is "!"£$%^&*, fantastic!😃
 
from Bishop Sheen:

The bishop was giving a lecture at a college one time and a young “smart-alecky” student asked: “How do you explain Jonas being able to survive in the belly of a whale for 3 days?”
The bishop answered, “When I get to heaven, I’ll ask him.”

The student - not to be outdone by the bishop’s answer - asked: “What if he’s not there?”

The bishop answered quite emphatically: “Then YOU ask him!”
 
There were three country churches in a small Texas town:

Presbyterian, Methodist and Catholic.

Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.

After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

The Methodist group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creations.

So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

It was only the Catholics who were able to come up with the best and most effective solution:

They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter. 😃
 
Nyarlathotep said:
Heh heh sigh.

Winner of the “funny-cause-it’s-true” award.
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Thanks!

I found in my joke files the same joke but this one has a Baptist Church & a Jewish Synagogue add as well… it goes like this…

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven’t seen a squirrel on the property since. 😃
 
Fathers Sean and Michael go on vacation to Acapulco. The first day there they are sitting in their chairs wearing shorts and polo shirts having a drink and looking at the ocean. A beautiful woman in a somewhat modest bikini walks by and says “Morning Father, Morning Father” and walks away.

Father Michael turns to Father Sean and says “How do you suppose she knew we were priests?” “I’ve no idea says Father Sean”

The next day they do back to the beach but this time in bathing trunks a t-shirts.
Again the beautiful woman walks by, this time in a less modest bikini, and says “Morning Father, Morning Father” and walks away.

Again the priests are dumbfounded. The next day, their last on vacation, they go back to the beach, this time in speedos and no shirts.

Again the beautiful woman walks by in a very revealing bikini and says “Morning Father, Morning Father” and starts to walk away. Father Sean jumps up and stops her and says:
“How do you know we are priests?”

The woman looks confused and says “But, Father don’t you recognize me? It’s me, Sister Mary Margaret!”
 
jakasaki said:
There were three country churches in a small Texas town:

Presbyterian, Methodist and Catholic.

Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.

After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

The Methodist group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creations.

So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

It was only the Catholics who were able to come up with the best and most effective solution:

They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter. 😃
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Sorry, I don’t get it becuase I’m not catholic…😊

But it was nice of the methodist to set them free! (I’m methodist too!:D)
 
Zundrah said:
Sorry, I don’t get it becuase I’m not catholic…😊

But it was nice of the methodist to set them free! (I’m methodist too!:D)
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It basically tells us that those who are in the church usually don’t show up except for Easter and Christmas. That’s also the reason why there is a shortage in seats on Easter, Christmas, the Sunday of 1st Communion and on the day when there is a Confirmation. On all other Sundays there are always enough seats and during the week the church is rather empty…
For funeral services you usually see people you didn’t even know were Catholic… same goes for baptisms…
 
Janet1983 said:
It basically tells us that those who are in the church usually don’t show up except for Easter and Christmas. That’s also the reason why there is a shortage in seats on Easter, Christmas, the Sunday of 1st Communion and on the day when there is a Confirmation. On all other Sundays there are always enough seats and during the week the church is rather empty…
For funeral services you usually see people you didn’t even know were Catholic… same goes for baptisms…
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:eek: oh…
 
Janet1983 said:
Forgot to add this: That is a wrap up of Catholicism in Germany… couldn’t tell what the situation in the UK or the US is like…
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lol…probably just the same! :rotfl:

P.S. So you left the catholic church!? 😃 Rejoyce! 😃 Hail the protestants (even your baptist type!;)) Why did you leave the catholic faith behind, Janet? I’m dying to know! :bounce:

PLEASE TELL ME!
 
A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband…

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty… You’re crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

“We’re taking Continental,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser. " That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste.”

“Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him.

He’ll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

“It was wonderful,” explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!"

“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!

I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

“Oh, really! What’d he say ?” asks the hairdresser…

He said: “Who messed up your hair?” 😃
 
jakasaki said:
A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband…

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty… You’re crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

“We’re taking Continental,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser. " That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste.”

“Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him.

He’ll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

“It was wonderful,” explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!"

“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!

I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

“Oh, really! What’d he say ?” asks the hairdresser…

He said: “Who messed up your hair?” 😃
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:rotfl:

LOL - NICE ONE jakasaki!
 
Zundrah said:
lol…probably just the same! :rotfl:

P.S. So you left the catholic church!? 😃 Rejoyce! 😃 Hail the protestants (even your baptist type!;)) Why did you leave the catholic faith behind, Janet? I’m dying to know! :bounce:

PLEASE TELL ME!
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When I was a teenager I heard that there are quite a few people who study catholic theology and then fall from faith because of it. I then said that only someone with a strong faith should study then.
I did a lot in the church. While the general situation is rather catastrophic when it comes to attendance I nearly overdid it. I was as catholic as the pope so to speak. I was active in 2 parishes, sometimes as a guest in up to 5. I was an altar server until the age of 23 and was also group leader and instructor for the newbies. I gave classes for confirmation, participated in the choir and read scripture in mass. I was on every procession, attended every mass (up to 4 on Saturday/Sunday), participated in every pilgrimage…
I spend 10 months at a nunnery while I was still in school and I participated in their prayers as far as possible (I did the prayer around noon silently while on the bus back to the nunnery). I went to confessions (at least weekly), masses, did daily devotions in front of the tabernacle, prayed the rosary daily and always had one with me in case I had to wait somewhere, studied the works of “great” theologians and church fathers, helped out in pastoral care and probably spend more time on the floor in front of the tabernacle than in my bed during the night. I also entered every church I came by and offered a prayer and lit a candle. The mother house had a monstrance on display 24/7 and I went there as often as I could…
The thing is that it all did not help. It did not help me a bit and I was scared. I knew that I did everything that there was and I couldn’t come to the point that I could say I did enough. I was told off by a priest once because I told him every little flaw and he told me that that wasn’t substantial. To me it was and I couldn’t live like that. The pressure of my guilt mounting up even through all that I did was growing immense. I was plagued by demons and continuously lost in self-hatred. I tried to devote myself more intensely to the Lord, but I never got to a point where it was enough. It got so bad that I did forsake the church and rebelled against a God who was only just. If I couldn’t be good enough I would start and live like a heathen so that there was a reason for others to judge me.
Then I met my husband. He went through a lot too and he brought me to the Protestant service. I stayed there for a while getting soaked in the love of Christ through my brothers and sisters. I did not know anything about salvation however until I read about it in a book by Ray Comfort. This changed my life and I got saved… I know now that I cannot work my way into heaven, but I also know God’s mercy.
 
Janet1983 said:
For funeral services you usually see people you didn’t even know were Catholic… same goes for baptisms…
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I am not Catholic and I have been to funeral services in a Catholic church because the deceased was Catholic and I knew them.

Births, marriages and deaths will usually bring people in for reasons other than their being Catholic.

rossum
 
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