Heaven Joke

[MarysGirls]

When I was a teenager I heard that there are quite a few people who study catholic theology and then fall from faith because of it. I then said that only someone with a strong faith should study then.
I did a lot in the church. While the general situation is rather catastrophic when it comes to attendance I nearly overdid it. I was as catholic as the pope so to speak. I was active in 2 parishes, sometimes as a guest in up to 5. I was an altar server until the age of 23 and was also group leader and instructor for the newbies. I gave classes for confirmation, participated in the choir and read scripture in mass. I was on every procession, attended every mass (up to 4 on Saturday/Sunday), participated in every pilgrimage…
I spend 10 months at a nunnery while I was still in school and I participated in their prayers as far as possible (I did the prayer around noon silently while on the bus back to the nunnery). I went to confessions (at least weekly), masses, did daily devotions in front of the tabernacle, prayed the rosary daily and always had one with me in case I had to wait somewhere, studied the works of “great” theologians and church fathers, helped out in pastoral care and probably spend more time on the floor in front of the tabernacle than in my bed during the night. I also entered every church I came by and offered a prayer and lit a candle. The mother house had a monstrance on display 24/7 and I went there as often as I could…
The thing is that it all did not help. It did not help me a bit and I was scared. I knew that I did everything that there was and I couldn’t come to the point that I could say I did enough. I was told off by a priest once because I told him every little flaw and he told me that that wasn’t substantial. To me it was and I couldn’t live like that. The pressure of my guilt mounting up even through all that I did was growing immense. I was plagued by demons and continuously lost in self-hatred. I tried to devote myself more intensely to the Lord, but I never got to a point where it was enough. It got so bad that I did forsake the church and rebelled against a God who was only just. If I couldn’t be good enough I would start and live like a heathen so that there was a reason for others to judge me.
Then I met my husband. He went through a lot too and he brought me to the Protestant service. I stayed there for a while getting soaked in the love of Christ through my brothers and sisters. I did not know anything about salvation however until I read about it in a book by Ray Comfort. This changed my life and I got saved… I know now that I cannot work my way into heaven, but I also know God’s mercy.

I apologize to all the merry people here, but I just had to say something about your story. I find it rather depressing. I’m so sorry you didn’t find Christ’s love in the Catholic Church. And I do hope that you are closer to God now (at least you’re Protestant, not a New Ager or anything). But I am also troubled over your reasons for leaving. I am as “Catholic as the Pope” as you put it, and I haven’t had these problems. I always feel quite refreshed after Eucharistic Adoration, and, while my sins are often depressing, I know Christ has forgiven me. Confession has always given me a sense of freedom.
The priest who got annoyed with you was wrong and should have at least been more understanding. BTW, Catholics don’t work their way into heaven.
Blessings.

 

[DaveBj]

Comparative Religion

Jews don’t recognize Jesus as their Messiah.

Muslims don’t recognize Jesus as the Son of God.

Protestants don’t recognize the authority of the Pope.

And Baptists don’t recognize each other in Hooters.

DaveBj (ex-Baptist)

 

[Bill_Pick]

I apologize to all the merry people here, but I just had to say something about your story. I find it rather depressing. I’m so sorry you didn’t find Christ’s love in the Catholic Church. And I do hope that you are closer to God now (at least you’re Protestant, not a New Ager or anything). But I am also troubled over your reasons for leaving. I am as “Catholic as the Pope” as you put it, and I haven’t had these problems. I always feel quite refreshed after Eucharistic Adoration, and, while my sins are often depressing, I know Christ has forgiven me. Confession has always given me a sense of freedom.
The priest who got annoyed with you was wrong and should have at least been more understanding. BTW, Catholics don’t work their way into heaven.
Blessings.

Hi Mrs Martin Luther, caan you tell us when the CC said you must WORK your way to heaven and are you saing you never heard of HELL

 

[Byzantine_Wolf]

I get it, I get it, God killed him because he called out to buddha!?

No, Buddha kills him because he saves him and he instinctively thanks God.

 

[Byzantine_Wolf]

And here’s a Jewish joke:

A young rabbi goes before the people in his synagogue and gives some sad news: due to his personal financial situations, he won’t be able to continue serving at their location, and may have to move. Many are disheartened because he is loved by many, and some begin to wonder how they can help out.

Suddenly, one old man, the owner of a grocery store, stands up and declares, “The rabbi can come and get all the groceries he needs to survive…for free!” The rabbi is flattered, and the people clap.

Then a middle aged man, the owner of a local car dealership, stands up and says, “The rabbi can come over and choose any car he wants, I’ll give it to him for free!” Again, the rabbi is flattered, and the people clap.

Suddenly, an old woman stands up and shouts out, “I’ll give the rabbi my body!” The people gasp, and the rabbi looks visibly flabbergasted. The most embarrassed is the old woman’s husband, who is sinking into his seat.

Stuttering, the rabbi asks, “T-thank you, madame…but why would you suggest such a thing?”

The old woman replies, “Well, I asked my husband, ‘What can we do to help the rabbi?’ and he said, ‘F— the rabbi!’”

 

[Janet1983]

The fact that I am even answering has something funny to it…
Sorry this is a little OT… If you wanted to read a joke proceed to the next post…

Hi Mrs Martin Luther, caan you tell us when the CC said you must WORK your way to heaven and are you saing you never heard of HELL

She never said that… I can do it however if you so want us to discuss that topic right here…
I don’t feel offended by the title you gave her so I will proceed…

The works that are added to faith and get you into heaven according to the Catechism…

837 “Fully incorporated into the society of the Church are those who, possessing the Spirit of Christ, accept all the means of salvation given to the Church together with her entire organization, and who - by the bonds constituted by the profession of faith, the sacraments, ecclesiastical government, and communion - are joined in the visible structure of the Church of Christ, who rules her through the Supreme Pontiff and the bishops. Even though incorporated into the Church, one who does not however persevere in charity is not saved. He remains indeed in the bosom of the Church, but ‘in body’ not ‘in heart.’”
Catechism of the Catholic Church #837

1129 The Church affirms that for believers the sacraments of the New Covenant are necessary for salvation. “Sacramental grace” is the grace of the Holy Spirit, given by Christ and proper to each sacrament. The Spirit heals and transforms those who receive him by conforming them to the Son of God. The fruit of the sacramental life is that the Spirit of adoption makes the faithful partakers in the divine nature by uniting them in a living union with the only Son, the Savior.
Catechism of the Catholic Church #1129

1257 The Lord himself affirms that Baptism is necessary for salvation. He also commands his disciples to proclaim the Gospel to all nations and to baptize them. Baptism is necessary for salvation for those to whom the Gospel has been proclaimed and who have had the possibility of asking for this sacrament. The Church does not know of any means other than Baptism that assures entry into eternal beatitude; this is why she takes care not to neglect the mission she has received from the Lord to see that all who can be baptized are “reborn of water and the Spirit.” God has bound salvation to the sacrament of Baptism, but he himself is not bound by his sacraments.
Catechism of the Catholic Church #1257

I guess these works a.k.a. sacraments are absolutely necessary and you cannot get to heaven without them or so it looks.
Let me twist scripture real quick so that it fits…
For by grace are ye saved through faith and what you do: it is the gift of God that you have the knowledge of the saving power of the church: Also of works, so any man should boast.
(I also like the Mormon version: Saved by grace after all you can do.)
Well let me put it right…

GOD:

“For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast.” Ephesians 2:8-9

GOD:

“Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost;” Titus 3:5

 

[Reuben_J]

You are off topic. Please respect the thread, have a sense of propriety and decorum.

I like jokes and glad someone have the sense of humor to start this thread. So please keep it that way. There are many serious topics out there and please try to keep things in their rightful places. Not that Catholics would shy away from addressing your perspective but this thread is not one of them.

Thank you.

God bless you.

 

[Janet1983]

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered through the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, “Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!”

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, “All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service.”

 

[Janet1983]

After a very long and boring sermon the parishoners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher.

Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons.

“Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God!”

The pastor was thrilled. “No-one has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why.”

“Well - it reminded me of the Peace of God because it passed all understanding and the Love of God because it endured forever!”

 

[Zundrah]

No, Buddha kills him because he saves him and he instinctively thanks God.

I get it now!

 

[Zundrah]

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered through the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, “Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!”

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, “All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service.”

I LOVE IT!

 

[Zundrah]

When I was a teenager I heard that there are quite a few people who study catholic theology and then fall from faith because of it. I then said that only someone with a strong faith should study then.
I did a lot in the church. While the general situation is rather catastrophic when it comes to attendance I nearly overdid it. I was as catholic as the pope so to speak. I was active in 2 parishes, sometimes as a guest in up to 5. I was an altar server until the age of 23 and was also group leader and instructor for the newbies. I gave classes for confirmation, participated in the choir and read scripture in mass. I was on every procession, attended every mass (up to 4 on Saturday/Sunday), participated in every pilgrimage…
I spend 10 months at a nunnery while I was still in school and I participated in their prayers as far as possible (I did the prayer around noon silently while on the bus back to the nunnery). I went to confessions (at least weekly), masses, did daily devotions in front of the tabernacle, prayed the rosary daily and always had one with me in case I had to wait somewhere, studied the works of “great” theologians and church fathers, helped out in pastoral care and probably spend more time on the floor in front of the tabernacle than in my bed during the night. I also entered every church I came by and offered a prayer and lit a candle. The mother house had a monstrance on display 24/7 and I went there as often as I could…
The thing is that it all did not help. It did not help me a bit and I was scared. I knew that I did everything that there was and I couldn’t come to the point that I could say I did enough. I was told off by a priest once because I told him every little flaw and he told me that that wasn’t substantial. To me it was and I couldn’t live like that. The pressure of my guilt mounting up even through all that I did was growing immense. I was plagued by demons and continuously lost in self-hatred. I tried to devote myself more intensely to the Lord, but I never got to a point where it was enough. It got so bad that I did forsake the church and rebelled against a God who was only just. If I couldn’t be good enough I would start and live like a heathen so that there was a reason for others to judge me.
Then I met my husband. He went through a lot too and he brought me to the Protestant service. I stayed there for a while getting soaked in the love of Christ through my brothers and sisters. I did not know anything about salvation however until I read about it in a book by Ray Comfort. This changed my life and I got saved… I know now that I cannot work my way into heaven, but I also know God’s mercy.

…but listen to me my darling Janet, your pain has no reason to rebel against the pope (that is what protestant means). I am a methodist protestant becoming catholic. I never denied the popes authenticy and I pray to Mary (our darling advocate) and I have prayed to and with the communion of saints. I am so happy to be coming to the catholic church. That is where my home is in christ.

God bless you Janet.

xxx zundrah xxx

 

[Bob_Crowley]

A surgeon died, and stood before Peter at the Pearly Gates. “What did you do on earth?” asked Peter. “I operated on people and saved many untimely deaths” replied the surgeon.
“Well done, good and faithful servant” said Peter, “Enter into the Kingdom of Heaven!”

A teacher died, and stood before Peter at the Pearly Gates. “What did you do on earth?” asked Peter. “I taught many children and helped them to develop as people” replied the teacher. “Well done, good and faithful servant” said Peter, “Enter into the Kingdom of Heaven!”

A rock guitarist died, and stood before Peter at the Pearly Gates. “What did you do on earth?” asked Peter. “I played in dives all over the place and brought pleasure to many, both sober and drunk”, replied the rock guitarist. “All right” said Peter, “You can load in through the kitchen.”

 

[Zundrah]

A surgeon died, and stood before Peter at the Pearly Gates. “What did you do on earth?” asked Peter. “I operated on people and saved many untimely deaths” replied the surgeon.
“Well done, good and faithful servant” said Peter, “Enter into the Kingdom of Heaven!”

A teacher died, and stood before Peter at the Pearly Gates. “What did you do on earth?” asked Peter. “I taught many children and helped them to develop as people” replied the teacher. “Well done, good and faithful servant” said Peter, “Enter into the Kingdom of Heaven!”

A rock guitarist died, and stood before Peter at the Pearly Gates. “What did you do on earth?” asked Peter. “I played in dives all over the place and brought pleasure to many, both sober and drunk”, replied the rock guitarist. “All right” said Peter, “You can load in through the kitchen.”

 

[Janet1983]

The Pope dies and goes to heaven. He’s met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages.

After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent “Easy Reading” to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and uttering, “An ‘R’! They left out the ‘R’.”

God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is.

After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, “It’s the letter ‘R’ … the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!”

 

[Janet1983]

A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.

St. Peter says, “Here’s how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you’ve done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in.”

“Okay” the man says, “I attended church every Sunday”

“That’s good, says St. Peter, " that’s worth two points”

“Two points?” he says. “Well, I gave 10% of all my earnings to the church”

“Well, let’s see,” answers Peter, “that’s worth another 2 points. Did you do anything else?”

“Two points? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans.”

"Fantastic, that’s certainly worth a point, " he says.

“hmmm…,” the man says, “I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart.”

“That’s wonderful,” says St. Peter, “that’s worth three points!”

“THREE POINTS!!” the man cries, “At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!”

“Come on in!”

 

[cthulhubryan]

A Man dies and goes to the pearly gates. St. Peter is on his lunch break and it happens that the man’s late wife is at the station.

He tells her: "Things went really well for me after you died. I married that beautiful young nurse who was caring for you. I hit the lottery a few weeks later and we spent our honeymoon galavanting around the world.

She says: That’s nice. To get into heaven you have to spell a word.

He says: What word?

supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

 

[jakasaki]

A Man dies and goes to the pearly gates. St. Peter is on his lunch break and it happens that the man’s late wife is at the station.

He tells her: "Things went really well for me after you died. I married that beautiful young nurse who was caring for you. I hit the lottery a few weeks later and we spent our honeymoon galavanting around the world.

She says: That’s nice. To get into heaven you have to spell a word.

He says: What word?

supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

funny!

 

[gurneyhalleck1]

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered through the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, “Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!”

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, “All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service.”

THAT IS PRICELESS!!

 

[Byzantine_Wolf]

Here’s one for any Reformed people here.

A Calvinist dies and goes to Heaven. When he gets to the front gate, he sees two lines: one marked “Free Will” and the other marked “Election.” He goes to the Election line, since he’s a Calvinist, and waits until he gets to the front.

“How’d you get in this line?” asks the angel.

“Because I was elected.”

The angel shakes his head, “No no, if you chose to come in this line, it’s in the wrong one. Go to that line.”

Grumbling, the man goes to the “Free Will” line. As soon as he gets to the front, the angel asks why he’s in this line. The man replies, “Someone chose it for me.”