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gurneyhalleck1
Guest
LOL!!
- Status
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Eric_Hyom
Guest
A Hindu goes up to heaven, and St. Peter said, my friend I will show you around all the mansions were every one lives.
As they walked St Peter said, this is the mansion were all the Muslims live, further on he said, this is were all the Lutherans live. St. Peter warned the Hindu, when we walk past the next mansion we must duck down behind the wall and keep very quiet.
Why? said the Hindu
St. Peter replied, the Catholics live in that mansion, and they think they are the only ones in heaven
As they walked St Peter said, this is the mansion were all the Muslims live, further on he said, this is were all the Lutherans live. St. Peter warned the Hindu, when we walk past the next mansion we must duck down behind the wall and keep very quiet.
Why? said the Hindu
St. Peter replied, the Catholics live in that mansion, and they think they are the only ones in heaven
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Janet1983
Guest
Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?”
“Certainly not,” said the Priest. “As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it.”
“I tried,” Brian sobbed, “but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?”
“If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family.”
Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.
When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.
“Certainly not,” said the Priest. “As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it.”
“I tried,” Brian sobbed, “but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?”
“If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family.”
Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.
When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.
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Byzantine_Wolf
Guest
The pastor of a fundamentalist church meets three different couples who want to become parishoners. He tells them that in order to join the church they must abstain from sex for a month.
A month later the pastor goes to the first couple and asks, “Did you abstain?”
The husband, an old man, grumpily replies, “Heck, we haven’t had sex in thirty years, so it wasn’t that hard.”
“Good,” says the pastor, “welcome to our parish!”
He goes to the second couple and asks, “Did you abstain?”
“Gosh it was hard,” the couple replies, “we’ve been married for just a year, and it was hard, but we pulled through.”
“Good!” says the pastor. “Welcome to the church!”
The pastor goes to the last couple, also the youngest, and asks, “Did you abstain?”
“I’m sorry,” the husband replies, “it was just…we were at this nice restaurant, and my wife dropped her fork, and we both reached for it. Our hands touched, we met each other in the eyes, and…we gave in.”
The pastor shakes his head, “I’m sorry, but you’re not allowed in our church.”
“Oh, that’s OK,” says the husband, “we aren’t allowed back in the restaurant either.”
A month later the pastor goes to the first couple and asks, “Did you abstain?”
The husband, an old man, grumpily replies, “Heck, we haven’t had sex in thirty years, so it wasn’t that hard.”
“Good,” says the pastor, “welcome to our parish!”
He goes to the second couple and asks, “Did you abstain?”
“Gosh it was hard,” the couple replies, “we’ve been married for just a year, and it was hard, but we pulled through.”
“Good!” says the pastor. “Welcome to the church!”
The pastor goes to the last couple, also the youngest, and asks, “Did you abstain?”
“I’m sorry,” the husband replies, “it was just…we were at this nice restaurant, and my wife dropped her fork, and we both reached for it. Our hands touched, we met each other in the eyes, and…we gave in.”
The pastor shakes his head, “I’m sorry, but you’re not allowed in our church.”
“Oh, that’s OK,” says the husband, “we aren’t allowed back in the restaurant either.”
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Janet1983
Guest
The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused.
Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
“Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “please give us some wisdom before you die.”
She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don’t sell that cow.
Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
“Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “please give us some wisdom before you die.”
She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don’t sell that cow.
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Janet1983
Guest
One afternoon the principal of a Catholic school was visited by a very upset mother of a K-grade girl and her daughter. She starts complaining to the principal regarding the day’s lesson and asks her daughter to repeat it for the principal.
The girl does so:
1+1 the son of a b_ _ h is 2. 2+2 the son of a b _ _ h is 4. 4+4 the son of a b_ _ _h is 8.
The principal tells the mother that he will investigate into the case and ask Sister Maria, the K-Grade teacher what happened that morning.
Principal: Sister Maria, how was your class today? What did you teach?
Sister Maria: I just started the class doing simple additions, like: 1+1 the sum of which is 2. 2+2 the sum of which is 4. 4+4 the sum of which is 8. Why do you ask?
Principal: Oh, just checking…
The girl does so:
1+1 the son of a b_ _ h is 2. 2+2 the son of a b _ _ h is 4. 4+4 the son of a b_ _ _h is 8.
The principal tells the mother that he will investigate into the case and ask Sister Maria, the K-Grade teacher what happened that morning.
Principal: Sister Maria, how was your class today? What did you teach?
Sister Maria: I just started the class doing simple additions, like: 1+1 the sum of which is 2. 2+2 the sum of which is 4. 4+4 the sum of which is 8. Why do you ask?
Principal: Oh, just checking…
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Janet1983
Guest
I think now I’m about to explode with laughter… some things are sooooo true…
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original “Jaws” story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO. Holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original “Jaws” story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO. Holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.
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Ghoti
Guest
- A member of a Newfoundland parish who tries to keep other parishioners quiet.
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Ghoti
Guest
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.
So he called one of his best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a while.
When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.
Well, he thought for a moment and thought maybe he’d better send down a second angel to get another point of view.
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned he went to God and told him “Yes, the Earth is in decline. 95% is bad and 5% is good.”
God said this was not good.
So he decided to send e-mail to the 5% that were good. He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.
So he called one of his best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a while.
When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.
Well, he thought for a moment and thought maybe he’d better send down a second angel to get another point of view.
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned he went to God and told him “Yes, the Earth is in decline. 95% is bad and 5% is good.”
God said this was not good.
So he decided to send e-mail to the 5% that were good. He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.
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rpp
Guest
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.
So he called one of his best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a while.
When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.
Well, he thought for a moment and thought maybe he’d better send down a second angel to get another point of view.
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned he went to God and told him “Yes, the Earth is in decline. 95% is bad and 5% is good.”
God said this was not good.
So he decided to send e-mail to the 5% that were good. He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.
Yeah. So. I know what my email said, what did yours say?
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allhers
Guest
A man who has been living with his elderly Mother and younger sister and helping them out financially, asks his younger sister to care for their Mother and his cat, both whom he
absolutely admires, while he takes a vacation.
Before leaving, he tells his sister to let him know immediately if there is any problem.
His cat dies the second day he is gone and his sister sends a telegram to his hotel, it says simply: Your cat died.
The man immediately comes home, he is very upset and informs his sister that she ought to have broken it to him more gently. “You knew how much I liked my cat, you could have done something like this.”:
The first day your telegram ought to have said…“Your cat climbed up on the roof today.”
Then a day later, your second telegram could have said: “I’m so sorry, but your cat fell off
the roof today.” Then your third and final telegram could have read like this: “Your
precious cat entered cat heaven today.”
After taking care of the burial of his cat, he leaves to resume his vacation.
After a few days, when he arrives back at his hotel one afternoon, again he finds a
telegram waiting for him. It read: “Mother climbed up on the roof today.”
absolutely admires, while he takes a vacation.
Before leaving, he tells his sister to let him know immediately if there is any problem.
His cat dies the second day he is gone and his sister sends a telegram to his hotel, it says simply: Your cat died.
The man immediately comes home, he is very upset and informs his sister that she ought to have broken it to him more gently. “You knew how much I liked my cat, you could have done something like this.”:
The first day your telegram ought to have said…“Your cat climbed up on the roof today.”
Then a day later, your second telegram could have said: “I’m so sorry, but your cat fell off
the roof today.” Then your third and final telegram could have read like this: “Your
precious cat entered cat heaven today.”
After taking care of the burial of his cat, he leaves to resume his vacation.
After a few days, when he arrives back at his hotel one afternoon, again he finds a
telegram waiting for him. It read: “Mother climbed up on the roof today.”
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rpp
Guest
So the Lord swore you to not reveal the contents of His email too?And here I was, hoping someone would feed **me **the straight line…
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Byzantine_Wolf
Guest
Here’s one that will please some and offend others.
One day, the pope gets a phone call. Who should it be but Jesus Christ Himself!
“I have some important things to say,” Christ says, “gather the leader of the world’s churches and I will contact you again via telecast.”
A week later the pope has gathered the leaders and representatives of all the major churches in the world together in one room. Sure enough, Christ’s figure appears on the television screen. The Christian leaders scream with joy and bow before Jesus.
“I have good news and bad news,” Jesus begins, “the good news is I am returning, as I promised.”
The leaders and representatives cheer with joy.
“What’s the bad news?” one of them asks.
Jesus replies, “The bad news is I’m calling from Salt Lake City.”
One day, the pope gets a phone call. Who should it be but Jesus Christ Himself!
“I have some important things to say,” Christ says, “gather the leader of the world’s churches and I will contact you again via telecast.”
A week later the pope has gathered the leaders and representatives of all the major churches in the world together in one room. Sure enough, Christ’s figure appears on the television screen. The Christian leaders scream with joy and bow before Jesus.
“I have good news and bad news,” Jesus begins, “the good news is I am returning, as I promised.”
The leaders and representatives cheer with joy.
“What’s the bad news?” one of them asks.
Jesus replies, “The bad news is I’m calling from Salt Lake City.”
C
cthulhubryan
Guest
Arriving one morning to the Men’s entrance to heaven St. Peter sees both lines are present.
The first line bears a sign that says “Men who were henpecked by their wife”
This line stretches back to the horizon.
The other line says “Men who were not henpecked by their wife”
Only one rather small man is in the line. St. Peter looks overjoyed! It is the first time ever for someone in the non-henpecked line. He rushes out to greet the brave soul
“Tell me friend, how did you manage to go through life unhenpecked?”
“I don’t know what you mean, St. Peter. My wife just told me to stand here”
The first line bears a sign that says “Men who were henpecked by their wife”
This line stretches back to the horizon.
The other line says “Men who were not henpecked by their wife”
Only one rather small man is in the line. St. Peter looks overjoyed! It is the first time ever for someone in the non-henpecked line. He rushes out to greet the brave soul
“Tell me friend, how did you manage to go through life unhenpecked?”
“I don’t know what you mean, St. Peter. My wife just told me to stand here”
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Ghoti
Guest
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: “Doctor, I have an ear ache.”
2000 BC - “Here, eat this root.”
1000 BC - “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1850 AD - “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 AD - “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 AD - “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 AD - “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”
2000 BC - “Here, eat this root.”
1000 BC - “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1850 AD - “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 AD - “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 AD - “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 AD - “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”
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Janet1983
Guest
What do you get when you cross a devil worshipper with a jehovah’s witness?
Someone who goes from door to door telling people to go to hell.
What do you get when you cross a Mafia soldier with a jehovah’s witness?
Lots of converts.
Someone who goes from door to door telling people to go to hell.
What do you get when you cross a Mafia soldier with a jehovah’s witness?
Lots of converts.
J
Janet1983
Guest
A man in the Middle Ages became fed up with humanity and decided to spend the rest of his life in a monastery. The abbot warned him that he would have to take a vow of silence and live the rest of his life as a scribe. The man replied, “No problem. I’m sick of talking.”
Ten years went by, and the abbot called for the man. He told him that he was model monk and perfect scribe, and they were very happy with him. As per tradition he was allowed say two words. So he nodded and said, “Food cold.” The abbot sent him on his way.
Ten years later, he was brought before the abbot again and told how pleased they were with his performance, and he was agaikn allowed two more words. The man said, “Bed hard,” and was sent back to work.
Another ten years went by and again the abbot sent for the man, telling him he was the best monk they had ever had, and that he was allowed another two words. The man nodded and said, “I quit.”
Abbot replied in a disgusted tone, “Doesn’t surprise me. You’re done nothing but complain ever since you got here.”
Ten years went by, and the abbot called for the man. He told him that he was model monk and perfect scribe, and they were very happy with him. As per tradition he was allowed say two words. So he nodded and said, “Food cold.” The abbot sent him on his way.
Ten years later, he was brought before the abbot again and told how pleased they were with his performance, and he was agaikn allowed two more words. The man said, “Bed hard,” and was sent back to work.
Another ten years went by and again the abbot sent for the man, telling him he was the best monk they had ever had, and that he was allowed another two words. The man nodded and said, “I quit.”
Abbot replied in a disgusted tone, “Doesn’t surprise me. You’re done nothing but complain ever since you got here.”
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Ghoti
Guest
Did you ever hear the one about the dyslexic agnostic?
He lies awake at night, wondering if there is a dog.
He lies awake at night, wondering if there is a dog.
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Byzantine_Wolf
Guest
- Status