Hedonistic and Lost Family

[Allegra]

Worse yet, she’d dote on them and give them whatever they wanted and they would see me as the bad person and my religion as the bad one for setting boundaries. I just don’t see myself winning in that situation.

That’s not generally how it works out. Parents do have to set boundaries with grandparents sometimes because some are very intrusive. However, your children are still your children and they are going to love you no matter how many cookies grandma gives them. It doesn’t sound like you’re quite ready to be worrying about kids anyway. Get up out of your mother’s house and start setting some boundaries. I expect it will be easier than you think, but even if it isn’t, the benefits of success certainly outweight those of giving up. I can understand your frustration at the situation because I’ve been there myself, but it really does get better in most situations.

 

[xx24601]

Are you kidding? You tried to use your future children to threaten your mom about her behavior? It sounds like everyone, and yes, that includes you, needs to work on both their attitudes and the way they communicate.

I was thirteen and she had just back-handed me for telling her about her perfect boyfriend throwing me around the upstairs like a ragdoll for not making my bed. I didn’t mention this in the original post because it was a long time ago and didn’t seem relevant because that kind of behavior hasn’t happened since I took self-defense at 16, but she’s gotten increasingly volatile since my conversion at 20. I know, why on earth would I ever go back there, right? Well, I have younger siblings. Anyone else who does knows what I mean.

 

[xx24601]

That’s not generally how it works out. Parents do have to set boundaries with grandparents sometimes because some are very intrusive. However, your children are still your children and they are going to love you no matter how many cookies grandma gives them. It doesn’t sound like you’re quite ready to be worrying about kids anyway. Get up out of your mother’s house and start setting some boundaries. I expect it will be easier than you think, but even if it isn’t, the benefits of success certainly outweight those of giving up. I can understand your frustration at the situation because I’ve been there myself, but it really does get better in most situations.

Thanks for the advice and support. And thank you so much for giving it kindly… unlike some people.

 

[xx24601]

If you cut them out of your life then you will be going against what Jesus told us to do. Deliberately disobeying that commandment could be considered a grave sin, and that will cut you off from God, far more than any of the scoffing you might get from your parents.

You can dress it up any way you like, but that is the reality of what you would be doing. Do that at your peril.

Matt. 19:16-19 "And behold, one came up to him, saying, “Teacher, what good deed must I do, to have eternal life?” And he said to him, “Why do you ask me about what is good? One there is who is good. If you would enter life, keep the commandments.” He said to him, “Which?” And Jesus said, “You shall not kill, You shall not commit adultery, You shall not steal, You shall not bear false witness, Honor your father and mother, and, You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

Jesus did not say, “Honour your father and your mother, so long as they respect your faith and don’t scoff at it”.

To me, it seems like you want to do something that you know the Bible tells us is wrong, and you are looking for a ‘get-out’ clause. However, there are no such clauses.

But, it’s your life and your immortal soul.

Can you interpret this for me then? It sounds awfully familiar:

Luke 12

49 I am come to cast fire on the earth; and what will I, but that it be kindled?

50 And I have a baptism wherewith I am to be baptized: and how am I straitened until it be accomplished?

51 Think ye, that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, no; but separation.

52 For there shall be from henceforth five in one house divided: three against two, and two against three.

53 The father shall be divided against the son, and the son against his father, the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother, the mother in law against her daughter in law, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.

 

[3DOCTORS]

It sounds like there are actually two issues here:

1. 
   *]The family dysfunction. This will take time, prayer, forgiveness, maybe even counseling for you. I can understand how you would be angry at the abusive way you were treated when younger and at the tensions in the family in the present. Resolving this kind of anger, and defusing the “triggers” - so you are able to deal with conflicts with them calmly and rationally, thinking instead of having a knee-jerk reaction - will take time and effort. Frequent Confession and spiritual direction can be really helpful too. :yup:
   
   *]How to evangelize effectively, especially when around people with whom your relationship is already fraught with conflict and unresolved issues. This is something that even seasoned apologists may get tripped up with from time to time, and you are new at the Faith. Look through the shop here on CAF, keep posting, go to EWTN and vatican.va and learn, learn, learn. These are hard times. The Faith is under challenge from all sides. I’m old enough to be your mom and a Catholic since I was 6 weeks old, and I’m having to learn new ways. There are all kinds of books out there with titles like How to Win an Argument Without Losing a Soul, or How To Defend Your Faith Without Raising Your Voice. So you aren’t alone! :grouphug: Find and use some of these resources - do this during your calm times so you will be prepared. Be proactive.
   
   God bless you!

 

[wllmjoseph]

However, you undoubtedly need to cut ties as soon as possible; immediately, if feasible. As you said, this environment is just going to make you angry, frustrate you, and cause you (and your family) to sin through anger. I suggest, if possible, that you start renting an apartment nearby in the short term, in which you’ll live while you finish school, and as soon as you can, move away if you wish.

You need to make sure that when your family confronts you on this, you show the most love as possible, and just tell them, as charitably as possible, that it is impossible for you to live happily when being marginalized. You see, they are not understanding that they are ATTACKING you at the heart, in your faith. They think that they are the victims, being imposed upon by one of those “nuns,” but you need to show them it is exactly the opposite.

This is very solid advice. In St. Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians he stated that “Bad company corrupts good values.” In reading your post it is obvious that your family is not open to considering your viewpoint.

 

[MarkInOregon]

Are you kidding? You tried to use your future children to threaten your mom about her behavior? It sounds like everyone, and yes, that includes you, needs to work on both their attitudes and the way they communicate.

Can we emphasize “everyone”?

 

[xx24601]

It sounds like there are actually two issues here:

1. 
   *]The family dysfunction. This will take time, prayer, forgiveness, maybe even counseling for you. I can understand how you would be angry at the abusive way you were treated when younger and at the tensions in the family in the present. Resolving this kind of anger, and defusing the “triggers” - so you are able to deal with conflicts with them calmly and rationally, thinking instead of having a knee-jerk reaction - will take time and effort. Frequent Confession and spiritual direction can be really helpful too. :yup:
   
   *]How to evangelize effectively, especially when around people with whom your relationship is already fraught with conflict and unresolved issues. This is something that even seasoned apologists may get tripped up with from time to time, and you are new at the Faith. Look through the shop here on CAF, keep posting, go to EWTN and vatican.va and learn, learn, learn. These are hard times. The Faith is under challenge from all sides. I’m old enough to be your mom and a Catholic since I was 6 weeks old, and I’m having to learn new ways. There are all kinds of books out there with titles like How to Win an Argument Without Losing a Soul, or How To Defend Your Faith Without Raising Your Voice. So you aren’t alone! :grouphug: Find and use some of these resources - do this during your calm times so you will be prepared. Be proactive.
   
   God bless you!

1. 
   Thank you so much. I will definitely look into these books and resources.

 

[xx24601]

I would just like to thank everyone again for their prayers and support. It is a difficult situation and I’m really glad I came here before making any rushed decisions. All your thoughtful and faithful advice has really helped me to calm down and analyze the situation from the outside. I have decided to leave as soon as possible, but until I can I’ll make myself seen and not heard, smile without speaking, and try to be as helpful in chores and non-advice related things as I possibly can. I’ll let y’all know how things turn out.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Good luck! Hope things improve at home.

I’m glad you found (most) advice given here helpful. It is so hard to be in your situation.

It is very common that people reject family members who are different. I don’t think it is just your religion that bothers them. You are getting an education and strive for things that they don’t. When people feel inferior to others they tend to attack all they stand for. It sounds like they are taking it out on your faith because it is such an easy thing to hate and attack. It is a cross to bear. I hope you find the strength to forgive them for their behaviour and pray for them.

I just wanted to offer some thoughts about distancing yourself from your family. I think that a healthy distance and boundaries are a good thing in your case. But I wouldn’t go planning to cut off all ties with them right now. Take things one step at a time. When you move out maybe the relationships will improve. Maybe you will see them a couple a times a year and decide that is enough. Who knows. If things turn for the worse you could then decide that not seeing them is the best thing to do. But you can’t predict what will happen, so don’t base your decisions on what you think might happen.