Help a non-Catholic Understand the Marriage Process

[1ke]

and her religion basically tells you to go pound sand.

I don’t know how you got “go pound sand” from “meet with the local priest and let him guide you through the process”.

The Church cannot change Christ’s teaching on marriage.

I think she’s an angel sent her to save me and the responses here and anything I’ve read online basically tell me that it’s not gon a happen and if she wants to be with me she will burn in hell.

Again, I don’t know where you are getting that! We have recommended not living together and making an appointment to talk to a priest, how that translates into anyone burning in hell is beyond me.

A lot of people think that Muslims are hardcore and to be looked down upon but it’s hard to see how catholics aren’t just as close minded.

The Churxh doesn’t teach we are to “look down on” Muslims or anyone else. To me it seems your comments are coming from left field now.

 

[SpaceMonkey]

That means that your fiance would be considered to be living with a married man. If you mean live together while having sex, it is a mortal sin. That means she is completely cut off from receiving communion. It places both of your souls in very real danger of Hell.

As for your previous marriage, do not go into the process with the assumption that an annulment will be granted. My own diocese is very clear about making any concrete marriage plans before an annulment is in hand. At best it adds a couple months to the required prep. In some cases it might be a year or more. Worst case is that your previous marriage is found to be valid and she cannot marry you.

Leads me to believe that Catholics believe that anyone who isn’t Catholic and even those who are but don’t follow the Church’s laws to the letter are not welcome and are going to hell. I don’t think that is out of left field. It may have been blunt but I don’t see how that I’m completely off the mark in my interpretation as to what is being stated here.

 

[1ke]

Leads me to believe that Catholics believe that anyone who isn’t Catholic and even those who are but don’t follow the Church’s laws to the letter are not welcome and are going to hell. I don’t think that is out of left field. It may have been blunt but I don’t see how that I’m completely off the mark in my interpretation as to what is being stated here.

The other poster didn’t say “anyone who isn’t Catholic” is going to hell.

You have stated you married and divorced. That means you aren’t free to marry anyone else. Jesus teaches us that someone who divorces and remarries commits adultery. Perhaps you do not believe that teaching of Jesus, many Christian churches have not been faithful to Christ in this regard. You may not share the Christian belief that transgressing the moral law in a serious way (i.e. breaking the ten commandments) is a serious thing that puts your soul in peril when done knowingly and freely (i.e. not through ignorance or force/fear). But, if your girlfriend is as you describe-- a serious, practicing Catholic-- she does. You should discuss this with her.

If your prior attempt at marriage was not valid, then you are free to marry. Coercion can be a factor, and it is possible that pregnancy created a situation in which you felt you “had to” get married. That certainly may have created the conditions that make such an attempt at marriage invalid. That’s what the Church will look at.

I can recommend the book Annulment: The Wedding That Was by Michael Smith Foster. I think it would help you understand Church teaching better than random comments on the forums.

 

[Don_Ruggero]

Leads me to believe that Catholics believe that anyone who isn’t Catholic and even those who are but don’t follow the Church’s laws to the letter are not welcome and are going to hell. I don’t think that is out of left field. It may have been blunt but I don’t see how that I’m completely off the mark in my interpretation as to what is being stated here.

As a priest of enough decades that I am now retired from pastoral ministry – with gratitude for this status – I would really urge you, rather than bringing this to a public forum such as this, in which frankly so many posting are not clergy and actually have no pastoral experience at all to draw from…to say nothing of the fact that they are neither theologians nor are they, with a few exceptions, canonists…that you find a parish priest in your area with a gift for pastoral care (not all have that) to help you.

I also don’t think you have had a fair reflection in this thread of what Catholicism can be like and really should be like.

When I was not a parish priest and when I wasn’t an academic, my work involved theological dialogue with non-Catholics. So, the concept you wrote that “Catholics believe that anyone who isn’t Catholic and even those who are but don’t follow the Church’s laws to the letter are not welcome and are going to hell” could not be further from what the Church’s actual thought at the level of international dialogue.

Pope Francis, for me at the end of my life as a priest, is the quintessential pastor and I hope you find a priest just like our Holy Father who can help you relative to a solution for sorting out your own marital situation, working with you and your fiancee in the present moving toward marriage, and also affirming you in the relationship with the Lord Jesus that is yours.

I also think Pope Francis is the prime person to have before your eyes as to what a Catholic is and should be.

May God bless you for your openness to seeking a way ahead that is faithful to the faith tradition of your fiancee. That was not always the case in my pastoral experience as a priest…and that presented the most tremendous of challenges for everyone. I really commend you that, as a non-Catholic, you want to make this all work for the one you love. May the Lord reward you for that.

 

[jmcrae]

Leads me to believe that Catholics believe that anyone who isn’t Catholic and even those who are but don’t follow the Church’s laws to the letter are not welcome and are going to hell. I don’t think that is out of left field. It may have been blunt but I don’t see how that I’m completely off the mark in my interpretation as to what is being stated here.

The Church doesn’t send people to Hell or make them go to Hell. The Church is kind of like a sign maker who puts up signs warning people that the bridge is out, so don’t go that way - and puts up signs pointing the safest way to go.

In this life we might never understand why “the bridge is out” but not knowing why won’t make the “drop into the ice cold river” any less traumatic. Trust that the sign maker knows what he’s doing, and take the safest route, even if it seems like it’s less convenient.

 

[Usige]

The Church doesn’t send people to Hell or make them go to Hell. The Church is kind of like a sign maker who puts up signs warning people that the bridge is out, so don’t go that way - and puts up signs pointing the safest way to go.

In this life we might never understand why “the bridge is out” but not knowing why won’t make the “drop into the ice cold river” any less traumatic. Trust that the sign maker knows what he’s doing, and take the safest route, even if it seems like it’s less convenient.

It’s funny, I had started a reply using the same “bridge out” analogy, but deleted it as I am not a canonist, clergy, theologian or have extensive pastoral experience. Looks like I should simply bow out of CAF for the next 4-10 years until I am ordained (God willing of course) and gained the wisdom to speak about the very basic teaching of the faith. Perhaps in that time I will learn to speak the truth in a more pastorally appealing way.

 

[jmcrae]

It’s funny, I had started a reply using the same “bridge out” analogy, but deleted it as I am not a canonist, clergy, theologian or have extensive pastoral experience. Looks like I should simply bow out of CAF for the next 4-10 years until I am ordained (God willing of course) and gained the wisdom to speak about the very basic teaching of the faith. Perhaps in that time I will learn to speak the truth in a more pastorally appealing way.

I’m sorry you feel that way. I hope I didn’t inadvertently cause offense. Perhaps I am being mistaken for someone else.

 

[Usige]

I’m sorry you feel that way. I hope I didn’t inadvertently cause offense. Perhaps I am being mistaken for someone else.

Sorry, it was not you, more than your comment reminded me of something I had spent 20 to 30 minutes trying to carefully craft only to read another post that seemed to imply that the Church is not like posters on this thread. The implication was that some of us were unwelcoming simply because we are more direct about speaking about the dangers of Hell or the very real nature of grave sin. I was always taught that it is loving to warn someone about danger, but I guess that not offending people is our highest calling.

Rest at ease, friend, I simply get frustrated when people dismiss the laity that have spent time to study the faith, but did not have the opportunity to get theological or pontifical degrees. I would be ecstatic if my local seminary would allow me to enroll, but alas they will only train men destined for the priesthood. I also cannot leave my children to pursue a degree at a pontifical university so i make due by studying the bast I can with the resources available to me. If only 1 in 5,000 Catholics were as invested in their faith like long time posters here.

Again, my apologies if my frustration inadvertently caught you.

 

[Don_Ruggero]

Leads me to believe that Catholics believe that anyone who isn’t Catholic and even those who are but don’t follow the Church’s laws to the letter are not welcome and are going to hell. I don’t think that is out of left field. It may have been blunt but I don’t see how that I’m completely off the mark in my interpretation as to what is being stated here.

I return to this post and my first attempt at answering what you wrote.

You are, alas, far from the first person to say something like this to me in my years of priesthood.

You affirm in me why I think Pope Francis and his various emphases are not only correct but what he is saying and how he is saying it needs to be intensified and maximized.

 

[SpaceMonkey]

I return to this post and my first attempt at answering what you wrote.

You are, alas, far from the first person to say something like this to me in my years of priesthood.

You affirm in me why I think Pope Francis and his various emphases are not only correct but what he is saying and how he is saying it needs to be intensified and maximized.

I felt far better after reading your first post and I thank you for taking time to reach out. I hope the local Church has a priest that will show the same willingness to accept the situation as it is and encourage and lead us to find the path that will satisfy the Church and her faith without making me feel like I must convert, wait years for a judgment, or never marry this woman. I was starting to feel very discouraged that my situation would be one of confrontation with the Church but your words seem to ease my apprehensions.

Another question for you- I believe in my town there is only one Catholic church. I understood from another post that my fiancée must become a parishioner of her local church as soon as she moves. If the church in my town doesn’t make me feel welcome is it wrong for us to seek out another Catholic church in a neighboring town or do we have to deal only with the local?

Not sure if all my terminology is correct so if any of this is confusing I apologize.

 

[1ke]

Another question for you- I believe in my town there is only one Catholic church. I understood from another post that my fiancée must become a parishioner of her local church as soon as she moves. If the church in my town doesn’t make me feel welcome is it wrong for us to seek out another Catholic church in a neighboring town or do we have to deal only with the local?

Your fiancée becomes a parishioner by virtue of living there. Parishes are territorial. One may attend mass wherever one chooses. One’s pastor (in the geographic parish in which one lives) typically has pastoral care for that person and also certain obligations.

But in some urban areas the bishop has made allowances so that parish boundaries aren’t really an issue. It’s something to discuss locally with the pastor or pastors you visit with.

Someone likely suggested immediately registering in the local parish (which just makes one part of the database, not a parishioner since that happens by living there) because many times individual parishes will have requirements for someone to be registered and a parishioner for X period of time prior to marrying in that church. That is predominantly in places with historic or particularly beautiful churches as they are inundated with requests for marriage to be held there and have to limit it to parishioners only. And in very large parishes, registration is a way to know who is attending and supporting the parish.

If your fiancée explains that you were already in the process of engagement discussions in her old location to the parish pastor when she moves there-- I am sure he will work with you. And if you’ve already made yourself known to him, then I think all should be well.

 

[Usige]

Your fiancée becomes a parishioner by virtue of living there. Parishes are territorial. One may attend mass wherever one chooses. One’s pastor (in the geographic parish in which one lives) typically has pastoral care for that person and also certain obligations.

But in some urban areas the bishop has made allowances so that parish boundaries aren’t really an issue. It’s something to discuss locally with the pastor or pastors you visit with.

Someone likely suggested immediately registering in the local parish (which just makes one part of the database, not a parishioner since that happens by living there) because many times individual parishes will have requirements for someone to be registered and a parishioner for X period of time prior to marrying in that church. That is predominantly in places with historic or particularly beautiful churches as they are inundated with requests for marriage to be held there and have to limit it to parishioners only. And in very large parishes, registration is a way to know who is attending and supporting the parish.

If your fiancée explains that you were already in the process of engagement discussions in her old location to the parish pastor when she moves there-- I am sure he will work with you. And if you’ve already made yourself known to him, then I think all should be well.

I believe it is in reference to my post that she is subject to the particular laws of the diocese she will be living in when married. In particular that if she talks to a deacon/priest in her current parish that their prep requirements may not be the same as the parish she is domicile in at the time of marriage. The intent was to be cognizant that she is subject to the laws of the diocese she lives in. We have always worked with people who are moving in to make sure that they are meeting particular law for the diocese. We have done the same thing when preparing couples who will be getting married in another diocese (working with them to document prep as required in that diocese or modifications to include material that they require in particular).

 

[SpaceMonkey]

I We have done the same thing when preparing couples who will be getting married in another diocese (working with them to document prep as required in that diocese or modifications to include material that they require in particular).

So do you think that she will be able to start some prep before she moves or is it something that we both need to go through together? Is it required that I go through the classes ? I would like to go through with her because I want us to have the strongest marriage we can but if it is possible to speed things up by her starting some of the prep now?

While she waits to hear back from her Church she’s been talking to other members there and some have said that they don’t believe that the annulment process is something that I need to worry with since I wasn’t married by the Church. I was actually married inside a bar (Seems like I was taking it seriously, right?) by someone that I suppose was a preacher or at least ordained to do so by the state. We’ve worked hard and waited a long time to get to this point and she’s afraid that with the annulment the whole prep process could take years. I’ve told her it’s out of our hands and we have to do what we have to do but she’s worried if I ask about the annulment process and don’t need to go through it that the Church may start the process anyways. It’s my understanding it has to be done no matter what.

Thanks again for your help. I’m trying to understand and be understanding without getting too frustrated so I apologize for any post that got out of hand.

 

[Gorgias]

So do you think that she will be able to start some prep before she moves or is it something that we both need to go through together? Is it required that I go through the classes ? I would like to go through with her because I want us to have the strongest marriage we can but if it is possible to speed things up by her starting some of the prep now?

Generally speaking, ya’ll can enter into marriage preparation once it’s known whether you are both free to marry. Until you reach the point in the process where the Church recognizes that you’re both free to marry, then starting the marriage prep process doesn’t make much sense. Know what I mean?

While she waits to hear back from her Church she’s been talking to other members there and some have said that they don’t believe that the annulment process is something that I need to worry with since I wasn’t married by the Church.

And, as it turns out, this is exactly the reason why listening to well-meaning but uninformed people is a bad idea when it comes to questions of marriage and the Church. They might misunderstand the situation each of you is in; or they might misunderstand what the Church actually teaches; or they might just want to be nice and encourage you. Actually, the issue at hand isn’t whether or not you were “married by the Church.” The issue is whether you are in a sacramental marriage. For example, two Baptists can be married and have a sacramental marriage, even though they weren’t “married by the [Catholic] Church.” It’s a question that requires someone who understands Church teaching and (at least an introductory education in) canon law, in order to come to a good answer. That’s why everyone here is recommending that you speak to the parish priest – he’s the one who will ask all the right questions, and will get a handle on your situation, and will advise you appropriately.

I was actually married inside a bar (Seems like I was taking it seriously, right?) by someone that I suppose was a preacher or at least ordained to do so by the state.

Are you a baptized Christian? Was your ex a baptized Christian (or Catholic)? Was this the first marriage for the both of you? When you go to see a priest and talk to him about it, he’ll ask you these questions (and perhaps others) in order to determine whether you’re currently in a sacramental marriage. The questions – and your answers – will allow him to answer your question of whether you and your fiancee may be married in the Church. (And yes, it’s possible for non-Catholic Christians to be in a sacramental marriage, even if their wedding was in a bar; it’s possible for non-Christians to be in a valid natural marriage, even if their wedding was in a bar.)

We’ve worked hard and waited a long time to get to this point and she’s afraid that with the annulment the whole prep process could take years.

Yes, that’s the common “on the street” understanding of ‘annulments’. But, not all nullity procedures are the same, and Pope Francis has been working toward making the process become less time-consuming and burdensome.

she’s worried if I ask about the annulment process and don’t need to go through it that the Church may start the process anyways.

No, that’s not the case. A competent priest or canon lawyer will be able to help you out…

It’s my understanding it has to be done no matter what.

Not necessarily. At least, not the “process that takes years and years” – it’s not the case that this “has to be done no matter what.” Go talk to the parish priest where you two would live after marriage. He’ll be able to sort it out for you…

 

[Usige]

So do you think that she will be able to start some prep before she moves or is it something that we both need to go through together? Is it required that I go through the classes ? I would like to go through with her because I want us to have the strongest marriage we can but if it is possible to speed things up by her starting some of the prep now?

Much of that will depend on the diocese she’s in and where she will move. If she talks to her local diocese she should tell them where she is planning to move/get married. From there they can see what can be done remotely and what the final diocese requires be done there. Many of the prep sessions are required for both members of the couple.

This is what my diocese requires. This may be different than yous so is only offered as an example.

Initial meeting with priest or Deacon (both should be involved) - Includes filling out initial paper work (baptisms, previous marriages, et cetera) and getting an feel for the couple’s general understanding of marriage and any pastoral issues that might be apparent (hostility towards the Church and her teachings, lack of catechisis around marriage, et cetera). This helps to build a road map for proceeding forward and provides and opportunity to give the information on the general process in the diocese.

FOCCUS Inventory (both required) - This is a pre-marriage questionnaire that covers things like attitudes around faith, finances, children, family of origin (how you both were raised), et cetera

FOCCUS review meetings (both required) - Generally 2 to 3 meetings with a mentor couple to go over the FOCCUS inventory. Really meant to get couples to talk about areas they might have disagreement on or had not talked about. (Note: the “scoring” includes bride’s, groom’s, and Chruch’s preferred answer - If one or both disagree with the preferred answer it will likely be discussed). The results of the review are sent back to the parish with annotations including areas of concern for further discussion with clergy.

Marriage prep classes (aka Pre-Cana) (both required) - Covers a variety of topics including communication and conflict resolution, finances, child rearing, prayer, what marriage consent involves, and Catholic understanding of Marriage and sexual morality (I believe our is 4 or 6 weeks and can be taken in person or online)

Natural Family Planning (aka NFP) - Includes both foundation understanding of Catholic teaching on regulation of births as well as human sexuality within the context of marriage. Also includes the scientific basis of NFP and practical training on the given method (We require both at the first class [moral and scientific basis and initial charting training], there are then 4 - 6 monthly chart reviews with the instructor [only bride required but grooms are free to attend if the bride is okay with it] Failure to do chart reviews noted with clergy doing prep)

Engaged Encounter weekend (both required) - Provides presentations by married couples and time to talk as a couple without outside distractions.

Like I said this is a sketch of how my diocese does marriage prep. From my interaction with other diocese they tend to follow a similar pattern, but each has slightly different nuances (e.g. some do not require NFP or don’t use FOCCUS). As you can see the preference is that both members of the couple attend all of the sessions. We have made exceptions, but it generally means that the non attending member will have additional follow up to make sure the material is covered. The reason is that marriage requires the commitment of both partners, so preparing one without the other seems to be counter productive. Even if you do not approve of Church teaching it is important that you understand what the teaching is and why the Church holds that belief.

 

[Usige]

While she waits to hear back from her Church she’s been talking to other members there and some have said that they don’t believe that the annulment process is something that I need to worry with since I wasn’t married by the Church. I was actually married inside a bar (Seems like I was taking it seriously, right?) by someone that I suppose was a preacher or at least ordained to do so by the state. We’ve worked hard and waited a long time to get to this point and she’s afraid that with the annulment the whole prep process could take years. I’ve told her it’s out of our hands and we have to do what we have to do but she’s worried if I ask about the annulment process and don’t need to go through it that the Church may start the process anyways. It’s my understanding it has to be done no matter what.

If you have been previously married the marriage will need to be investigated. In my diocese the paperwork includes a “freedom to marry” deceleration that asks if either spouse has been previously married. The Church holds that the marriage of non-Catholics are considered valid until proven otherwise. That means that location, minister/officiant, etc. does not matter. Two atheist married at a truck stop by their brother with an online “ordination” is consider valid. Catholics have additional obligations, but those are not imposed on non-Catholics. The requirement to be married in a church witnessed by the clergy is only a requirement for Catholics.

No one here can tell you that an annulment won’t be a problem. Each case is handled based on the circumstances at the time of the marriage. The pastor should be able to talk to you about the circumstances and have a better idea if a case for annulment has merit. I caution though to not simply take anyone’s word that it’s an open and shut case. Until the investigation is done, one should always be prepared that the first marriage is found to be valid. I don’t say this to be discouraging, but rather to be clear that the Church always errs on the side of a marriage being valid. That is essentially the default position. Getting married in the bar because you found out that you were pregnant might be an indication of lack of maturity to provide consent, but no one here can say that definitively.

Please don’t feel discouraged, but simply say this is where we are, what do we need to move forward. For all anyone here knows you could have a positive finding of nullity before she moves, but the longer it takes to start the investigation the longer it will take to conclude the investigation. My comments are really just to let you know not to take anything as a given.

Thanks again for your help. I’m trying to understand and be understanding without getting too frustrated so I apologize for any post that got out of hand.

No harm done. My apologies if my comments come off as unwelcoming. That is certainly not my intent. Both my wife and I are converts and there is so much beauty and fullness in the Catholic understanding of marriage that I wish my wife and I had known when we first married. Our deficient understanding of marriage led us into some traps early in our marriage such that I feel my previous upbringing stole some of the joy we could have had in the first 10 years of marriage.

This is why I am so passionate about people fully understanding marriage and the danger that sin can bring to a marriage. I never want to turn people away, but I also have a hard time with people who simply gloss over common issues because Catholic teaching no longer reflects secular trends. Please understand that my hard line is because I have seen the disaster that can come from clergy who, in an attempt to be pastoral, tell people that they are free to do what ever makes them happy (use birth control, let kids decide if they go to Mass, take the summer off from Mass). While I’m am sure the priest did so with good intent, for the vast majority it led them to a weakening of their faith. Many left the Church completely or no longer practice any religion at all.

While you may not see this as a problem, I do ask you to consider your fiancee and how seeking the easiest path might impact her faith. If the annulment and marriage prep seems onerous to the point that she decides to skip marriage in the Church she should understand what that means to her relationship with the Church. I guess what I am saying is that my “doom and gloom” is not intended to drive you away, but truly out of concern for you and your fiancee. So many people simply look at the good and gloss over problems that I feel I have to play devils advocate to let people know if their action might have unintended consequences.

Thank you for at least for being willing to listen to a cantankerous curmudgeon like me. I truly do wish the best for you and hope you will at least meditate on not just what I and others have said, but why we might urge caution. I don’t know how old you and your fiancee are, but remember that taking an extra couple months to make sure your marriage starts with the firmest foundation is all we really want for you. I know the thought of extra time can be frustrating, but it is always done with intent to build a life time foundation.

I’ll continue to keep you and others navigating the waters of Catholic marriage prep in my prayers.

 

[1ke]

So do you think that she will be able to start some prep before she moves or is it something that we both need to go through together? Is it required that I go through the classes ? I would like to go through with her because I want us to have the strongest marriage we can but if it is possible to speed things up by her starting some of the prep now?

Yes, marriage prep is geared towards preparing the couple, so you would definitely be involved. In general, I’ve found various dioceses and parishes to be very flexible. My husband and I lived 2000 miles apart while doing prep and we did the retreat in his diocese in his state, prep with the deacon in my state, the FOCCUS assessment by mail, and my parish accepted all that. I know some couples have done marriage prep via Skype with a priest.

While she waits to hear back from her Church she’s been talking to other members there and some have said that they don’t believe that the annulment process is something that I need to worry with since I wasn’t married by the Church.

Let me go back to my first suggestion which is have a sit down with the pastor of your local Catholic Church, and also my suggestion of the book Annulment: The Wedding That Was by Michael Smith Foster.

You are going to get a LOT of well meaning advice and opinions that are just plain wrong-- because even many Catholics don’t understand Church teaching and canon law on this matter. So for example this statement above is completely wrong (unless your first wife was a Catholic). Two non-Catholics marry validly when they marry each other, some Catholics don’t get that for some inexplicable reason.

I was actually married inside a bar (Seems like I was taking it seriously, right?) by someone that I suppose was a preacher or at least ordained to do so by the state.

Non Catholics marry validly when they marry civilly, even in a bar, Las Vegas, etc. some of what you have relayed in your posts lends credibility to the position that your marriage may have had some defects of consent-- such as the pregnancy situation. Those are facts to be weighed, we cannot give an opinion other than to say that there might be some grounds there.

We’ve worked hard and waited a long time to get to this point and she’s afraid that with the annulment the whole prep process could take years. I’ve told her it’s out of our hands and we have to do what we have to do but she’s worried if I ask about the annulment process and don’t need to go through it that the Church may start the process anyways. It’s my understanding it has to be done no matter what.

Freedom to marry has to be determined for each of you, no matter what.

Since you have a prior marriage that will be evaluated. Whether it proves to be a tribunal case, a paperwork case, a Ligamen case (if your ex was married to someone before you), or dissolution of the bond if your ex was unbaptized-- all these things get sorted out with the help of the parish or diocesan advocate.

My suggestion is that your fiancée not get too carried away with the “it could take years” until she has facts. And she won’t have facts until you are able to meet with someone and give them all the particulars of your situation.

 

[1ke]

Much of that will depend on the diocese she’s in and where she will move. If she talks to her local diocese she should tell them where she is planning to move/get married. From there they can see what can be done remotely and what the final diocese requires be done there. Many of the prep sessions are required for both members of the couple.

This is what my diocese requires. This may be different than yous so is only offered as an example.

Initial meeting with priest or Deacon (both should be involved) - Includes filling out initial paper work (baptisms, previous marriages, et cetera) and getting an feel for the couple’s general understanding of marriage and any pastoral issues that might be apparent (hostility towards the Church and her teachings, lack of catechisis around marriage, et cetera). This helps to build a road map for proceeding forward and provides and opportunity to give the information on the general process in the diocese.

FOCCUS Inventory (both required) - This is a pre-marriage questionnaire that covers things like attitudes around faith, finances, children, family of origin (how you both were raised), et cetera

FOCCUS review meetings (both required) - Generally 2 to 3 meetings with a mentor couple to go over the FOCCUS inventory. Really meant to get couples to talk about areas they might have disagreement on or had not talked about. (Note: the “scoring” includes bride’s, groom’s, and Chruch’s preferred answer - If one or both disagree with the preferred answer it will likely be discussed). The results of the review are sent back to the parish with annotations including areas of concern for further discussion with clergy.

Marriage prep classes (aka Pre-Cana) (both required) - Covers a variety of topics including communication and conflict resolution, finances, child rearing, prayer, what marriage consent involves, and Catholic understanding of Marriage and sexual morality (I believe our is 4 or 6 weeks and can be taken in person or online)

Natural Family Planning (aka NFP) - Includes both foundation understanding of Catholic teaching on regulation of births as well as human sexuality within the context of marriage. Also includes the scientific basis of NFP and practical training on the given method (We require both at the first class [moral and scientific basis and initial charting training], there are then 4 - 6 monthly chart reviews with the instructor [only bride required but grooms are free to attend if the bride is okay with it] Failure to do chart reviews noted with clergy doing prep)

Engaged Encounter weekend (both required) - Provides presentations by married couples and time to talk as a couple without outside distractions.

Like I said this is a sketch of how my diocese does marriage prep. From my interaction with other diocese they tend to follow a similar pattern, but each has slightly different nuances (e.g. Esome do not require NFP or don’t use FOCCUS). As you can see the preference is that both members of the couple attend all of the sessions. We have made exceptions, but it generally means that the non attending member will have additional follow up to make sure the material is covered. The reason is that marriage requires the commitment of both partners, so preparing one without the other seems to be counter productive. Even if you do not approve of Church teaching it is important that you understand what the teaching is and why the Church holds that belief.

My parish required FOCCUS and an Engaged Encounter retreat plus meetings with the deacon.

Due to our distance my DH did the FOCCUS assessment via mail, we did his diocesan retreat (which wasn’t Engaged Encounter) instead due to scheduling. And the multiple meetings with the deacon to go over the FOCCUS and everything else we condensed into a one day on Saturday so my DH only had to fly down once,

So even what is “required” is negotiable. In my experience the Pastor will work with the couple.

 

[Don_Ruggero]

My parish required FOCCUS and an Engaged Encounter retreat plus meetings with the deacon.

Due to our distance my DH did the FOCCUS assessment via mail, we did his diocesan retreat (which wasn’t Engaged Encounter) instead due to scheduling. And the multiple meetings with the deacon to go over the FOCCUS and everything else we condensed into a one day on Saturday so my DH only had to fly down once,

So even what is “required” is negotiable. In my experience the Pastor will work with the couple.

This is absolutely correct. When I was pastor I worked with couples who presented a variety of challenges to be dealt with. Most especially when one was non-Catholic, I would do everything I could to companion that person through the process.

 

[Usige]

My parish required FOCCUS and an Engaged Encounter retreat plus meetings with the deacon.

Due to our distance my DH did the FOCCUS assessment via mail, we did his diocesan retreat (which wasn’t Engaged Encounter) instead due to scheduling. And the multiple meetings with the deacon to go over the FOCCUS and everything else we condensed into a one day on Saturday so my DH only had to fly down once,

So even what is “required” is negotiable. In my experience the Pastor will work with the couple.

I’d agree that most prep is flexible (we can do FOCCUS, peecana, and NFP reviews online). We’ve dealt with couples that had limitted time together (military, professional athletes, long distance relationships) and look to see how to get things done. Some of the stuff I listed (eg engaged encounter) can use a parishes based one day program if required or skipped if it makes sense. On the otherhand NFP is required. Particular law in my diocese simply does not allow it to be skipped. It can be shortened in certain instances (eg older post menopausal couple), but the moral basis is still required. NFP is one area that people alway seem to put off to the last minute and arguably need the longest time temporally. Our deacons have gotten to the point of badgering couple if the have not setup NFP classes by 6 months before the wedding.

I think the thing we would all agree on is that marriage prep is about preparing the couple. It is not simply something one person does and the other participates in occasionally.

The main thrust of my post was so the OP had an idea of what is meant by marriage prep. We often talk to couples about how they spend months planning flowers, dresses and music for the wedding day so they should spend as much, if not more time, planning for all the days that follow after the wedding day.