Help convincing my husband to drink less

[VeritasLuxMea]

Wow, that is a lot of alcohol… What makes him think he can drink on Sundays during lent?

Is there some kind of rule against drinking on Sundays during Lent?

Or were you just asking why he didn’t give it up 7 days a week, since he had already given it up on 6?

 

[PartoftheBody]

I did go to an Al-Anon meeting once. I appreciate their philosophy and did get something out of it, but at the same time, to me, it felt like giving up on him. I know I can’t change him if he doesn’t want to change, but I guess I’m looking for ways to inspire him to want to change.

I’m still not sure he qualifies as an Alcoholic, but I agree he definitely has a drinking problem. I was actually surprised he didn’t have withdrawal symptoms when Lent started, but he is a big guy.

I know he drinks as a disordered coping mechanism. Last night was one of the more obvious examples: He had been working from home for the last 5 weeks, and today was the first day he had to go back to working in the office again. During the night I heard him telling the baby “I’ll miss you”; I think he was really upset about leaving the baby all day, and used the alcohol to cope. I know he was really anxious before the baby was born, so it’s been several months where he’s been drinking more heavily. Eight drinks used to be a heavy drinking day for him.

So I guess maybe the better question is “How do I help my husband cope with his emotions in a healthier way?” He’s pretty resistant to counseling, but lately it seems like he may come around. For now, I’m trying to do what I can to help him on my own.

 

[ClearWater]

Is there some kind of rule against drinking on Sundays during Lent?

Or were you just asking why he didn’t give it up 7 days a week, since he had already given it up on 6?

Sundays aren’t counted in the 40 days of Lent. He gave up drinking for Lent, but he drinks on Sundays, though, for that reason.

 

[ClearWater]

I did go to an Al-Anon meeting once. I appreciate their philosophy and did get something out of it, but at the same time, to me, it felt like giving up on him. I know I can’t change him if he doesn’t want to change, but I guess I’m looking for ways to inspire him to want to change.

I’m still not sure he qualifies as an Alcoholic, but I agree he definitely has a drinking problem. I was actually surprised he didn’t have withdrawal symptoms when Lent started, but he is a big guy.

I know he drinks as a disordered coping mechanism. Last night was one of the more obvious examples: He had been working from home for the last 5 weeks, and today was the first day he had to go back to working in the office again. During the night I heard him telling the baby “I’ll miss you”; I think he was really upset about leaving the baby all day, and used the alcohol to cope. I know he was really anxious before the baby was born, so it’s been several months where he’s been drinking more heavily. Eight drinks used to be a heavy drinking day for him.

So I guess maybe the better question is “How do I help my husband cope with his emotions in a healthier way?” He’s pretty resistant to counseling, but lately it seems like he may come around. For now, I’m trying to do what I can to help him on my own.

Once, I had my best friend who was an alcoholic. I had all kinds of problems due to her drinking. Finally, I called up AA, because I didn’t know what else to do.

Someone there helped me through that, told me how to do an intervention, properly.

What you are thinking of in getting a group of people together, rather than going alone, is one strategy that can actually be used, successfully, but I’d encourage you to speak to someone at Alanon to learn how to do it properly so that there would be a higher probability of success.

For example, AA told me not to approach my friend while she was under the influence, to wait till she was sober. They told me not to start with the drinking part, instead, to tell her that I loved her and cared about her. Then, they said to tell her how exactly her drinking had affected me, though. In a group, they could do this, as well, together, but I think it’d be better under someone’s guidance who has a lot of experience with this, Alanon, say.

I’ve also noticed that I was clearly “enabling” her many times. She’d drink too much, and I would make excuses for her, babysit her daughter while she had a hangover.

I’ve realized that I am a Codependent. It’s a little curious in my case, since I am not a child of an alcoholic. However, a counselor once told me that people with disabilities or from large families have a higher probability of becoming one. I’m from a family of 11 and have a disability.

What I’ve noticed is that there’s a pattern, at least with my friend and me. My friend would go from one abusive alcoholic relationship, get out of that, only to get into another like it, sometimes even worse! I’ve sometimes gotten with alcoholics, sometimes gotten together with others who are narcissists, abusive.

Some people who were raised by an alcoholic parent often leave that parent, find an alcoholic, marry him.

What I didn’t realize until I had counseling was how much what I did was directly impacting on this scenario. It felt like it had happened to me, but no. There were numerous times, I could have stopped this, prevented it, diminished it by choices I could have made, but didn’t.

What I’ve needed to learn is how to establish healthier boundaries.

I know you are concerned Alanon would mean giving up on your husband, but I don’t think that’s the case. They know ways to work with families where a member has a drinking problem. They’ve done this for a very long time. They would teach you ways to deal with this.

I was a Spanish interpreter for a time, worked a little in Substance Abuse, which included alcoholism. The counselor there showed us a CT scan of someone. Did you realize alcohol will eventually leave holes in one’s brain when used long enough and in sufficient quantities?

It’s an addiction. Therefore, it is very difficult to stop. Some people can’t stop by themselves, absolutely need outside help. With alcohol, if someone is addicted enough, he can actually also die from withdrawal.

Alcohol first affects the prefrontal cortex of the brain (controls judgement) then goes progressively back, back, back. It it ever goes completely back, a person’s breathing can actually stop, and a person can indeed die from it.

Most people with a drinking problem go first into “denial”, refuse to admit there is even a problem.

If alcoholism isn’t stopped, it will typically end with the person’s getting arrested, losing everything, getting quite seriously sick, going crazy, or even dying. It progresses with time, will get worse.

Can you get some counseling for yourself to help you through this, individual counseling if he won’t go?

Did you know that many counselors will not do marriage counseling on a couple if one has any kind of substance abuse problem, alcohol, etc., until at least the one with that problem is at least in some kind of therapy or treatment? Some say if not, it’s just a waste of everybody’s time, won’t work, since the problems will only continue.

Some say men get married, think the woman will never change and seemed surprised when they do. Some, if you try to change them will only dig in their heels.

Women often marry with the intent of trying to change him. That, however, rarely works.

With Codependents, some get into a relationship, think they are going to change him, possibly even rescue him. Again, that rarely works.

 

[DJgang]

Clearwater is 100 percent correct. Alanon isn’t about giving up, it’s about you learning to cope with it. Sometimes we don’t realize how our spouse’s drinking affects us. But it does. On many levels.

I went to a few meetings , told my husband that I went and he was shocked. I didn’t let him being shocked effect me, I just told him that I needed help learning to deal with things. Those few meetings were a God sent .

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Sundays aren’t counted in the 40 days of Lent. He gave up drinking for Lent, but he drinks on Sundays, though, for that reason.

Yes, thanks

 

[The_Bucket]

Actions on the parts of loved ones can create inflection points. Interventions, separations, etc. can show an addict the consequences of his or her actions. But ultimately the addict must choose. You cannot choose for him. Trying to choose for him will probably deepen his feelings of shame and/or denial about the problem… prompting him to self medicate more.

Eight drinks is a lot. I mean, a lot. That’s a lot for a bachelor party, much less an every day occurrence. There is a very strong possibility that he is causing severe physical damage to his internal organs with that amount of drinking.

Don’t sit in denial along with him. He has a problem. He uses drinking to cope with life’s anxieties. That’s pretty much the definition of addiction.

You can’t fix his addiction. You can’t “inspire him to change.” You can only fix how you deal with his addiction.

I have my own addiction problems and while my wife’s actions prompted me to change… the only person who can choose each day to stay sober is me. She can’t do anything. Just as I can’t do anything to help her deal with the pain I caused. I can be the best man I can be… but that doesn’t change what I did or how she can heal. That’s up to her.

By the way, the action my wife performed was packing up the kids and leaving without warning. So… that’s a pretty strong message that I had a serious issue that I needed to deal with. But I still could have chosen the addiction! I could have given up on myself and said “well, that’s how it’s gonna be” and stayed in my addiction. All my wife did was show how badly I was hurting her and the kids and the consequences of those actions. She did not “inspire” me or give me any help. She just showed me the real-life consequences of what I thought was a hidden addiction that was hurting no one but myself.

 

[Sunbreak]

You can’t “inspire” him to change. He has to recognize he has a problem.

 

[Wa_Michael]

You can’t convince him of anything. You aren’t responsible for him.

I “doubt” the working of the Catholic Sacrament of Matrimony according to the Catechism, if the underlined above is certain!!!

 

[Deus_tecum]

Not every person who abuses alcohol is or will become an alcoholic. Many people go years abusing alcohol daily and then stop or drink moderately all on their own. He may be an alcoholic for all I know, but I wouldn’t go jumping to conclusions about his ability to stop abusing alcohol. I recommend Moderation Management if you’re looking for help that doesn’t identify with the disease model of alcoholism.

I have heard very little about this but find it interesting. I do have some issues with what I have observed of the AA model. The idea that a single drink wrecks years of “progress” is absurd. They also consider the use of various drugs to be the same as alcohol but they smoke like fiends, and drink coffee like ADHD fish! There are lots of heroin addicts that attend AA here, but I have met ex-addicts that do have a few drinks on social occasions and it does not cause any relapse to heroin. I think a cognitive therapeutic approach is best, rather than simple abstention support.

 

[Mr_Clean]

To the last post - I think we can all agree there is no “magic bullet” when it comes to the various things that can ail us as humans. There is an infinite degree of variability to all things. I can drink once a year and still be clinically diagnosed an alcoholic if it creates a problem most of the time. Some can drink like fish and not be alcoholics. The treatments are the same. What works for Joe may not work for Bob. What is apparently clear is those who do nothing for whatever their reasons will likely not “get better” so doing anything with the intentions of helping the situation improve is always the right thing to do.

Like John Wayne said " Life is hard; its harder if you’re stupid".

 

[Bulbasaur05]

I “doubt” the working of the Catholic Sacrament of Matrimony according to the Catechism, if the underlined above is certain!!!

I think if she were truly responsible for him and his actions she would have to go to Confession every time he sinned… since she was responsible for them too.