Help, Daughter does not believe

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Funaviator20

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Help. My 17 year old daughter told me on the way home from 5:00 mass she does not believe in God or heaven. She is a smart “science” student. I have failed her in not teaching her but I am not the smartest when it comes to the Bible. I just strongly believe and try my best everyday. And try to show a good example. I read the Bible - she thinks it is a great book of fables. My children are my world and the only thing that gets me through the day is knowing God is always with them. What does this mean. I know God never gives up on us. I know God has a plan for them. But what if she does not believe. I don’t know anything she could have said that would have been worse than this
 
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First, stop catastrophizing. “mom I have cancer, mom I was assaulted, mom etc” there are many things worse than a teenager struggling with faith. That’s normal.

I would sit down with her and hash it out. Thank her for sharing her feelings. Ask her what actions she plans on taking. Talk to her about what you expect from her…ie…those in your house go to weekly Mass. The most important thing to highlight here? Sometimes we don’t “feel” like doing something, but we do it anyway because we are adults.

There is nothing wrong with where she is. Turning it into a family tragedy will only give her a deeper reason to rebel and question. If you give her space and are a place she can turn to for answers then it will be much better than if you are in a constant state of shock and sadness. Teenagers need to pull away, and religion is often the first to go. Parents who simply push back and don’t listen drive them farther away.

If she is intelligent I would try to get her into something like Dead Theologian’s Society, where she can test out her wits and her knowledge in the safety of a Catholic environment.
 
Has she always been in Faith Formation?
What is the state of her Catechesis?
 
I am not a parent. I wasn’t raised in the Church, only to fall away later. I am a convert who came from atheism, agnosticism, and superstitious beliefs. What I say is probably going to be useless, but perhaps I am wrong.

I was struggling greatly in sin earlier this month. I still struggle, but God has helped me greatly grow in faith and resist sin through reading the Bible.

Here is what I suggest: although she may see the Bible as just “fables”, get her to read the Bible for a good amount of time every day. If possible, try to lead her away from secular media too as I have found those detrimental to faith and only cause one to become spiritually lazy and fall into sin more.

True faith only comes from God, but perhaps a bit of persuasion can soften her heart.
 
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Be at peace, no one in my world believes. I was even told I couldn’t put a cross up in a house I am moving into.

I just scoffed and told them one day they will all believe.

Pray for them. It’s no use giving them a platform. We are called to give witness to Christ by the example of our lives.

Talk is cheap, it’s in the living that people start to question why our faith is unmovable.
 
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She’s 17. She could be sincere in her doubt, perhaps brought on because she is a “smart science student”.

Or perhaps she could have been influenced by peers at school who scoff at believers and put them down.

Or she could just be going through a rebellious period where she tries to find her own identity by rejecting her parent’s views.

I’d suggest talking to her calmly and not making this into a crisis. Just try to get at the root of what triggered her unbelief. And pray for her. Most of us have a lot of crazy ideas at age 17, but by the time we are 27 or 37 we’ve changed our minds about many things.
 
She “believes” in science. I spoke with her tonight. She cannot understand how someone could know billions of people. I shared because he is God not human. She doesn’t understand where heaven is. She does not understand that I have never doubted. She doesn’t understand how God could take an 18 year old boy. I said he is in a great place. And he touched so many before he went to heaven. A church parishioner passed a few years ago. She does not understand how she does not have control of her life. I tell her all the time that God has a plan and he will take her to where she needs to be. She said my hard work has gotten me this far. I told her yes, but along with the God given talent she has to be so academically strong. I told her I am not an expert on religion. I just strongly believe. She does not understand how I care so much when she does not care if I am religious. I told her I cannot make her believe but I also will not be happy that she does not. I shared that I always knew she would go to heaven and that God was watching over her. She was emotional and shared she has tried to believe but just does not understand. I advised her to talk to someone who is more an expert. I don’t have all the answers. I will continue to pray. She is a gift from God and maybe this will make her stronger. I also shared earlier that part of the problem is that none of her friend s are believers. She does not understand how all of my circles are. I shared that we have a relationship with God. It is a two way relationship. We have to give thanks, pray and talk to him daily. We cannot just reach out when we feel like it and expect to grow in our faith. I told her it’s easy to just be busy and let it go. But relationships are work. And worth it in the end. I live everyday knowing we have eternal life. And no matter what the suffering is here. We will all get to heaven. I can’t imagine heaven without her. This is why I am struggling. Please pray God guides her to the right people that will show her the path back to eternal life. ❤️✝️🙏
 
From what you’ve said, I think you’ve done a good job speaking to your daughter in this first chapter. The Church is not for egg-heads, so I’ve heard, but I seriously think it helps to be an egg-head. There’s so much reading she could do, but if I were you, I’d join some sort of apologetics class or inquiry class, so that you’re better equipped to defend the faith. If that’s not possible, buy some books on apologetics at the Catholic store nearest you. Some are very easy to read, and they combat errors about the faith quite well.

One little error: You can’t know your daughter or anybody is going to heaven. Many are called but few are chosen. The road is narrow. There will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. Her soul IS at stake. That should be a starting place. Fear of hell is a good thing. Some of us really DO go there, possibly people you thought wouldn’t. Hell is being away from God for eternity. You usually wind up there because you didn’t want to be with God.
 
This sounds cliché, but…it is a phase kids go through. She is 17.

People who say they never doubted are lying. Faith would be unhealthy if we didn’t ask questions. It wouldn’t be faith. It would be brainwashing.

Don’t get me wrong. I know it is upsetting. I have a seventeen yo girl right now. Last year we had a hard time getting her through confirmation.
 
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I’m 19, so I don’t have much wisdom to offer, but from my experience…when I was very skeptical of the idea of God, it was really annoying when my family panicked and tried to force me to pray.

Just tell her if she is an intellectual, she would actually try to read up apologetics, listen to debates etc instead. That was way more helpful than parents trying to interfere, IMO. You can give her resources but she has to take control of her beliefs. She might not be that interested in actually learning, so don’t expect huge results. I bothered to read after I got annoyed at a devout Muslim friend’s attempt to convert me (and I needed refutations)
 
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Funaviator20, we parents can do our absolute best, and still our children can lose faith. Please hope and pray.

It’s distressing when loved family members lose faith. Sometimes it is a while before God’s grace on their journey gradually, or suddenly, returns them to faith. In the meantime, God bless you for praying for your daughter and for asking prayers for her. God won’t forget her. Even if it takes a long while, keep praying each day for your daughter, and for others who lose faith.

I hope these scriptures help a little:
“Stop your crying and wipe away your tears. All that you have done for your children will not go unrewarded; they will return from the enemy’s land. There is hope for your future; your children will come back home. I, the Lord, have spoken.” [Jeremiah 31:16-17]

Isaiah says, “I was thinking: ‘I have toiled in vain, I have exhausted myself for nothing.’ And all the while my cause was with God, my reward with my God.” [Isaiah 49:3-4] For “the Lord is not being slow to carry out His promises…but He is being patient with you all, wanting nobody to be lost and everybody to be brought to change his ways.” [2Peter 3:9]
 
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I am in a similar situation with a 14 year old sciencey girl. In our case I think she is bored with a certain kind of insipid Christianity that doesn’t give the robust answers she seeks. Those answers do exist, and I do my best, but my husband’s approach is somewhat belligerent which I think doesn’t help.
She’s a daddy’s girl and listens to him more than me and consequently gets crosser with him than me because she knows she can get away with it.

My approach is to pray for her every chance I get, and interject sensible faith suggestions once in a while rather than overwhelm her with a tsunami of religion. She’s been raised in the faith and used to love it, but she has always been a questioner, and I consider this a strength. When she is done pretending God doesn’t exist, she will continue to ask those questions and there are many great apologetic resources I can direct her to.

Having been an atheist at one time myself, I try not to worry for her, and know that the empty pointlessness of unbelief holds few charms beyond the surface.
 
I have told young people this age that there are many many religious scholars that have studied about Catholicism and Jesus for centuries, on doctorate levels and beyond.

I also have asked these young people that since the education level of the church doctors and theologians is that equal to and beyond that of a neurosurgeon or nuclear scientist, how can they judge something such as this with the limited knowledge that they have?

I ask, them, can they direct and point out to a neurosurgeon, how to perform an operation? No…they cannot because they have not studied this in depth, or have the same level of education.

So, before they can judge if God exists, etc, they need to have the same level of education of our church doctors and intellectuals to do so. We have to have trust, just as we do with anyone else who specializes in any field…that trust is called faith, and it griws,as we learn about and experience God in our lives

I have had this conversation before and it is helpful to young people who are questioning the faith. I hope this helps your daughter, or gives her something to think about.
 
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Be glad that she shared this with you instead of going through the motions and hiding this until she goes off to college. She’s been more forthcoming than I in that I’ve never made such a statement to my mom over my 2 decades of nonbelief.

In a nutshell it sounds like the concept of God doesn’t make sense to her or more simply just isn’t believable to her. In addition to the other suggestions here, may I suggest that you continue to relay to her how your belief has been a positive in your life. While I can’t predict whether or not she will believe again, if she doesn’t see a need for belief then she might go from rejecting the belief to not considering it at all.
 
Welcome to CAF! (Please Note: This uploaded content is no longer available.)

I greatly sympathize with what you are going through. My kids are still elementary school age, but I know that what I want most for them is to have a relationship with God and get to heaven. Everything else is secondary. It’s natural to feel that sense of pain when your children don’t seem to want the good thing that you want for them.

It is certainly a trial that you are experiencing, but I would encourage you to put your own trust in God. Rely on Him. Pray for your daughter. St. Monica is a good person to go to in situations like these.

It is often said that God has no grandchildren. He is a Father. And there comes time for each of us where our faith needs to become our own. I think it is important to avoid the two extremes. On the one hand, we don’t want to despair that all is lost. As long as we are alive, there is always hope for conversion of heart. But on the other hand we don’t want to presume that it’s just a phase. A significant portion of the Catholic population lose their faith in high school and college and never come back to it.

I don’t want to scare you with that information, but those are the alarming statistics of the Catholic faith in our country. So we want to be aware, but still always full of hope and love for our loved ones, and trust in the Lord.

I know I was headed down that road myself at that age, though it’s not something I would have ever shared with my parents. If not for the great Catholic community I encountered in college, I would have been one of the statistics—those who just drift away.

So pray for your daughter. Pray that God sends people into her life that are strong witnesses to the faith. Sometimes, our loved ones need someone else to be the one to show them the truth and beauty of the Catholic faith. I heard a statistic recently that, for every non-related practicing Catholic adult that a teen knows somewhat well, their odds of remaining Catholic go up 5%. So if they know 5 such adults, the odds go up by 25%.

Pray also for the Holy Spirit to guide your conversations with her. Don’t feel like you have to bring it into every conversation you have with her. That could lead her to fatigue on religious topics and make her less likely to talk to you about it in the future. But neither should you never talk about it. Obviously, you are her mother and know her best, so you will have to figure out how best to strike that balance.

As a wise priest I know often says, when times are tough, lean into the Lord. He will see you through. This isn’t something that will likely be resolved overnight or with a single conversation. But keep taking it to prayer.

Also, if you’re looking for any tips, it wouldn’t hurt to talk to your priest and get his advice. I guarantee, he has dealt with these situations before.

God bless you. I will say a prayer for your family.
 
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I’ll ask again. How much religious ed instruction has she attended?
Does she have a casual relationship with your priest? Your DRE? You Youth MInister? Deacon? Does she have ANY knowledgable Catholic that can address her questions in real life?
 
The other day I had an unexpected email from someone who recounted to me how we had conversed about this very topic twenty years ago when we had coffee together at work.

He says his daily Rosary.

I was shocked; I had no idea.
 
She was baptized as a baby and was in faith formation regularly through 7th grade. Then activities took over a bit and she did not go to “Edge” on Wednesday nights. The youth group at our church was not very strong at all. Then she had interest in going to World Youth day in Poland last summer. I brought it up and asked if she just used it as a reason to travel. She said no. At the time she believed. I can blame many, myself at the top of the list. But that does no good. She is in the IB program and usually goes to bed at 2-3 am. So I have allowed her and actually instructed her to stay home from church to get stuff done so she can get some sleep. Yes, I know that was a horrible mistake. She reads about once a month and goes with us to church on those days. She completed all the sacraments. I shared with her that I do not have the answers. I shared that her faith is like a seed and it needs light and water to grow. Maybe her questioning her faith will make it stronger. I am thankful for all your kind words… I am thankful she opened up. She said she had no idea it would affect me so much and she wished she did not say anything. I told her I would not share with her dad or brother because I do not want them to feel as I do. I will have to take this day by day. I will continue to pray every chance I can.

I went to a catholic retreat this weekend. Father Garry Welsh spoke and I took notes. I wrote her a letter sharing that I love her and included the notes I took (see below). I know she has to invite God into her life on her own. I cannot be mad or overwhelm her with my beliefs. I like the idea of asking her to read the Bible 10 minutes before bed each night. She said she has tried to believe and just can’t. She wants to go to church because she likes the messages about being a good person. I shared it does not help that her friend group does not believe. (one out of the 7 is Jewish, a few attend at the holidays… One is forced to go to church and does not believe. the others simply do nothing.) I spent 4 hours sitting in church… praying and writing her a letter…it is when I went to leave I read my notes and thought it would be perfect to include… God guided me to them… It is through him I will trust and not fear. He will guide me and love her. My greatest fear is her not going to heaven and having eternal life…I appreciate all your kind words and prayers… I Trust in God… he is GREAT. I was not strong enough to talk to the priest today. I will go to mass again in the morning. I never went to daily mass before. The priest came and sat a few pews away. Is this normal? Can I just go sit next to him and ask to talk? Or is this his prayer time?

my message was too long… will continue with Father Garry’s notes in next post
 
What is faith?
We all journey in faith… faith is also doubt… in that doubt we find God and find our need for God.
Faith believes in something common sense tells you otherwise.
Story of something greater… We are scared and worry about being perfect.
Only person to break us is ourselves.
Let go of the past … let go of the baggage
If we don’t trust confession we don’t believe we can truly be healed
“I come for those who recognize they need help”
God wants to take us further
as soon as you take your eyes off Christ you sink (Matthew 14: 22-23)

Heart, Soul and Mind that is what faith is about

Monk wanted to help with laundry… washed wool robes in hot water… they shrank’
Made bread… turned out hard and chewy
Potted clay on wheel… cup had a crack

God alone is perfection, everyone else has a crack filled with God’s love

Faith is calling us into a relationship everyday with God

We must recognize our imperfections

Fear is useless… what is needed is TRUST…
 
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