Help for best friend

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ryecroft

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Hi there -
My best friend and I every summer growing up (and after) - she would (after we both moved) come down to our house and stay for at least a couple of weeks. This went on - sometimes at different times up until and even sometimes after we got married. When we were younger we had promised each other that we would take at least some time each year to get some time together no matter where we were both living. Then came the kids. She just had her 4th and final (unexpected but that’s for another post). When her 3rd child was almost 3 years old we decided we wanted to make sure we were doing this again (we would see all of them as often as we could as my husband and I are the kid’s God Parents). She talked to her husband and he agreed when he had some time off that I would come up and that she and I would go stay at a nice hotel and go do whatever we wanted and that ONLY if there was an emergency (meaning kid at the ER bleeding or house burning down) would we be called (mind you she had not had 24 straight hours off since she had her first child except for when she was in hospital and that doesn’t quite count)-so we leave - the kids are cool with this because after the 3 nights and days we told them that they could stay over night in our hotel room and we’d watch movies and even get room service (this was a BIG deal for them something they hadn’t done). So, we get everything ready to go and hit the hotel. 1st thing we take a nap then hit the pool before we have a massages to go to - after about 3 hours after arriving we’re back in the hotel and get a call from guess who - husband - asking where something was. Also he asked exactly when we were supposed to be back. We look at each other and decide we’ll go get our massages and chill out. We get back a few hours later after eating and there are 3 messages on the cell phone as we forgot to bring both. The husband is upset and asking if we’re coming back early. My friend talks to the kids - and nothing bad has happened. My friend was still kind of tired and so we decided to watch a movie and order desert. We get through about an hour of it before we get another call. It’s Saturday night and we were going to be going out but the husband is on the phone saying he can’t handle going to Church with ALL the kids in the morning and how he’s hoping we’re coming back early. I tell her to say we’ll maybe come back a little earlier on the last day. That seems o.k. but then hour later he can’t handle getting the baths and bed. My friend feels guilty we go back (it’s an hour or so drive) and see the kids say good bye - have everything out. At like 5 or 6 that morning we’re called saying he can’t handle getting them to Church. We hear crying and some screaming in the back ground. This is how our last attempt at giving my friend some time off went. She REALLY needs a couple of days off, but now it doesn’t even sound like the husband is open to us staying over night at all anywhere - even if we take the infant with us. I need some advice - how do I get to take my friend to get some time for just herself and to chill out with me. (We did wind up taking the kids to the hotel after Church the first time as he was acting so frazzled like he’d been through some kind of war or something - but it almost wound up being more stressful for my friend - and no they won’t do a sitter for the kids = especially not over night)
God Bless and please help!
Rye
 
Next time, try hiring a sitter to help her husband with the kids. She got used to juggling all four of the kids gradually, but her husband is in over his head. He probably got help when she was in the hospital, too. The sitter can go home when the kids are in bed; her husband will live over night.

The other possibility is to have an auntie or one of the grandmas help out by staying over while your friend is gone. We only had two, and without my dear MIL, I still don’t think my husband would have survived it when I went on retreat…and he’s really good with the kids. He’s just not used to going solo without a break. (One more reason to adore grandmas!!)
 
It is true that parents need time out sometimes, and friendships. 🙂
For the preservation of your friendship and to avoid becoming someone the husband resents which may cause the crippling of this friendship, it may be best to confine the time to an afternoon. (?)

All of us mothers with children would understand your friend’s need, I imagine all of us have to endure through exhaustion and stress, and may need a break.
I recall the years with three preschoolers where I had no one to help or to chat to. My family lived 1000-2000 kilometres away, and we were two thousand kilometers away from any school friends. I have not seen them since I left school.

My only escape was occasional. I surrounded my little boys with toys, with snacks, and scurled up with a coffee and a chapter of a book in a nearby room, interrupted by an occasional need to referee! My parents-in-law were in the same town but only minded my children twice during their childhood. My husband decided to do a ‘work-study’ on me and I was supposed to write down every ten minutes what I did in the previous ten minutes! With three lively preschool sons!
I went it alone as my husband has a clear vision of definition of roles.

Be delighted that your friend’s husband may agree to an afternoon, 🙂
and in his own way, her husband has delivered her a compliment.
He can’t cope with the children as she does!
 
I always feel bad for women in this situation.

Fathers should know how to take care of their own children. Or be willing to learn. When it becomes better to hire a sitter so he doesn’t panic there is a huge problem. He needs to work through this.

In the mean time, I hope her next mother’s day present is utterly amazing, now that he knows just how hard the job is. 😉
 
Been there, done that! Well, not really, I never even attempted three days away when my 2 boys were little! A lot of daddies are not that great at juggling all the needs of kids without help.

If she really wants to be away - and I doubt that she will, with a new baby - she is going to need help from family members in order to make it work. Whenever I leave town, even now, my FIL rushes in like the Calvary to help his son take care of our sons! I always WANTED the hubster to have to do it all by himself, so he’d value what I do, but oh, no! His father always rode to the rescue, cooking for them, taking them out, etc. 🤷

Find a way to keep in touch while she cannot really leave her babies. It doesn’t have to be a girls’ weekend. Do YOU have kids, I forget?
 
faithfully said:
I always feel bad for women in this situation.

Fathers should know how to take care of their own children. Or be willing to learn. When it becomes better to hire a sitter so he doesn’t panic there is a huge problem. He needs to work through this.

In the mean time, I hope her next mother’s day present is utterly amazing, now that he knows just how hard the job is. 😉
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Four small children is a lot when you don’t do it every day. When I was growing up and women have had to be (or chose to be) away from home and the older children were not old enough to help Dad keep the train on the rails, female relatives were usually called upon to help.
 
EasterJoy said:
Four small children is a lot when you don’t do it every day. When I was growing up and women have had to be (or chose to be) away from home and the older children were not old enough to help Dad keep the train on the rails, female relatives were usually called upon to help.
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I imagine it’s a lot when you do do it every day.

I keep seeing this in my world of 2 children. I have a handful of friends whose husbands just can’t get it together when they are gone. It’s like the world is coming down on them. And there is a lot of whining, and no “I don’t know how you do it”.

Usually, these are the same guys (not always) who complain and want to know what they’ve been doing all day with their very simple job of just watching their children.

I just feel for them. I hope the OP’s friend feels appreciated otherwise. It’s likely she just had a bummer weekend, but her DH tells her how much he appreciates her. That would be nice

I don’t think all many fall into this situation either. I know plenty of guys, mine included, who have no problem taking over the kids. He may cut some corners IMO, but he doesn’t panic. I have been called to please help with prayers. That was cute.

I once left DH and children with my friends DH and their children, for a few hours. I did get an SOS call over that one. Friend’s DH was flipping out. Mine was afraid he as going to have to rescue their children. Not a good scene.

I think sometimes we get shocked to see what goes on in other households.
 
Thank you for the replies. I guess I didn’t make this obvious, but we have both been military or married to military - we live at least 8 hours away from each other, so while we’re always writing each other or on the phone or sending gifts to our God Children, actual face time is MAJORLY LIMITED. And we did try it with a sitter - bringing this up but he refused. My best friend, although the baby is only about 6 months is ready to go away for a few days again we discussed it but it just seems that no matter how we try to get this to work, some kind of road block comes up. I reccomended that this time we leave the number of the hotel and then ‘accidentally’ leave her cell phone in the car. Also the grand parents - the only possibility can’t handle them - she’s very elderly and has to be looked after herself. I think the husband needs to take the kids and just ‘deal’ with it. He was the one that was pushing for more - personally I think he needs to prove he can handle them - even if it’s only the 3 (all of which are now potty trained - we’ll take the baby the hotel we’d stay at has a service where we can check in during the day if daddy can’t handle all 4). It’s just not fair - not to my friend and not to the kids. They need a mom that can get some breaks and some ‘me’ time in. I’m not saying every day but she needs a holiday (and the husband has gone away for some ‘work’ trips that were in Hawaii, etc. without the kids and wife - It’s my friends turn - I just have to figure out how to do this!) My friend already feels like he doesn’t ‘get’ what goes into everything she does. And I will often hear some not so - shall we say '- encouraging speech about how she handles the house, etc.
God Bless
Rye
 
Do you have children, Ryecroft? How many, and how old?
 
ryecroft said:
…I think the husband needs to take the kids and just ‘deal’ with it. He was the one that was pushing for more - personally I think he needs to prove he can handle them - even if it’s only the 3 (all of which are now potty trained - we’ll take the baby the hotel we’d stay at has a service where we can check in during the day if daddy can’t handle all 4). It’s just not fair - not to my friend and not to the kids. They need a mom that can get some breaks and some ‘me’ time in…
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I see a red flag here. You have posted a lot of “I think” statements about somebody else’s marriage. Tread carefully!

Your relationship with your friend is important, but it is not a marriage. Always keep in mind that this is ultimately an issue that is between your friend and your husband. What you’re hoping your friend can get is nice, but a great many women do not choose to recharge their batteries by taking such large chunks of time away from their kids. Venturing in with what you think–rather than encouraging your friend to discern what she thinks and encouraging her to advocate for what she wants with her husband–is going to put you in a position of meddling in somebody else’s marriage. That can not only cause more stress to the married couple, but can also backfire big time on the friend who only wanted to help.

I’m not saying you’re wrong, but that this is not a one-opinion-fits-all situation, and your opinion is not the one that counts. Resolve to encourage your friend to decide what she wants for herself. Encourage her to communicate this with her husband in ways that will strengthen rather than weaken her relationship with him. Try to support her in living out her marital commitment to the person she chose to marry. As for your personal opinion about how this couple should do things, try very hard to bite your tongue.

If your friend thinks she doesn’t know how to “get through” to her husband and doesn’t know why her communication with her husband has difficulties, suggest John Gottman’s Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage. It has examples of common pitfalls in communication and how to avoid them.

A friend of a married person is a friend of the marriage. Even in a crisis in which the marriage is damaging to one or both parties, the role of friends is to encourage the married person they have befriended to discern his or her own course of action, and take it on his or her own initiative. To do otherwise is to hazard falling into arrogance and a maternalism/paternalism that doesn’t have a place in friendships between adults.
 
ryecroft said:
It’s just not fair - not to my friend and not to the kids.
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It may not be fair, but this is something your friend has to negotiate and work through with her husband.

If your friend’s been the primary caregiver, think about some of the routines and duties she has down with their children, routines she’s had years to perfect:
  • laundry
  • cooking/meal prep
  • personal hygiene (tooth brushing, bathing, cleaning up after the potty, etc.)
  • naps and nap time routines
  • prayer time
  • dressing in the morning and getting ready for bed at night
  • house rules about sharing, cleaning up after oneself, bickering, negotiating the use of toys, crayons, etc.
  • bedtime and bedtime routines
  • housekeeping, including picking up toys, games, etc.
  • probably a dozen more things that I can’t think of right now 🙂
He husband got all that stuff in one go.

The other thing to think about is that having dad as primary caregiver is a new experience for the kids, too. And when kids are faced with a new person in charge, what’s the first thing they do? They test their boundaries. So there’s dad having to cope with all of these new routines, and his kids are there thinking, “How many times can I pinch my younger brother before dad sends me to my room?” and “Dad didn’t notice that I scattered my colored pencils all over the floor! Score!” and “I wonder if I can convince dad that we always have chocolate bars as our morning snack?” and “How much whining will dad put up with?”.

No wonder everyone was at their wit’s end and crying by Sunday morning.

When I met my husband he had primary custody of his twin daughters. After school was out for the summer I volunteered to watch them while he was at work to save day care costs. I wrangle 120+ flighty teenagers every day as part of my job, so how hard could a couple of three-year-olds be, right?

Right…

Everything was a battle. They made it abundantly clear that I just simply did not know how to make cereal, finger paint, braid hair, butter bread, pick out clothes, read, or play house. After their nap we went to the park for a picnic, only they were really upset because I forgot the blanket, and we all know you can’t have a picnic without a blanket! Many, many tears were shed over that forgotten blanket. By the time dad got home that night I was felt as if I’d been run over by a truck.

Of course it got better, but I understand what your friend’s husband must have gone through that weekend, and I just wrangled with two kids.

Luna
 
EasterJoy said:
I see a red flag here. You have posted a lot of “I think” statements about somebody else’s marriage. Tread carefully!

Your relationship with your friend is important, but it is not a marriage. Always keep in mind that this is ultimately an issue that is between your friend and your husband. What you’re hoping your friend can get is nice, but a great many women do not choose to recharge their batteries by taking such large chunks of time away from their kids. Venturing in with what you think–rather than encouraging your friend to discern what she thinks and encouraging her to advocate for what she wants with her husband–is going to put you in a position of meddling in somebody else’s marriage. That can not only cause more stress to the married couple, but can also backfire big time on the friend who only wanted to help.

I’m not saying you’re wrong, but that this is not a one-opinion-fits-all situation, and your opinion is not the one that counts. Resolve to encourage your friend to decide what she wants for herself. Encourage her to communicate this with her husband in ways that will strengthen rather than weaken her relationship with him. Try to support her in living out her marital commitment to the person she chose to marry. As for your personal opinion about how this couple should do things, try very hard to bite your tongue.

If your friend thinks she doesn’t know how to “get through” to her husband and doesn’t know why her communication with her husband has difficulties, suggest John Gottman’s Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage. It has examples of common pitfalls in communication and how to avoid them.

A friend of a married person is a friend of the marriage. Even in a crisis in which the marriage is damaging to one or both parties, the role of friends is to encourage the married person they have befriended to discern his or her own course of action, and take it on his or her own initiative. To do otherwise is to hazard falling into arrogance and a maternalism/paternalism that doesn’t have a place in friendships between adults.
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Trust you to come up with a new angle, one that the OP is overlooking. She should be just as much on the husband’s “side” as she is her friend’s, understanding that this is not just her friend being married with no relief from children, but “two who have become one,” so her friendship should be with both of them together. I sense a little jealousy and perhaps a yearning to get the friend back to where they used to be, just two girls out having fun, carefree. Those days are well and truly over, at least until the friend’s children are much, much older. I never did a girl’s weekend away from my kids, not because I couldn’t choose to, but because I didn’t want to. I wanted to spend my time with my family, not a friend or a bunch of other moms.
 
EasterJoy said:
I see a red flag here. You have posted a lot of “I think” statements about somebody else’s marriage. Tread carefully!

Your relationship with your friend is important, but it is not a marriage. Always keep in mind that this is ultimately an issue that is between your friend and your husband. What you’re hoping your friend can get is nice, but a great many women do not choose to recharge their batteries by taking such large chunks of time away from their kids. Venturing in with what you think–rather than encouraging your friend to discern what she thinks and encouraging her to advocate for what she wants with her husband–is going to put you in a position of meddling in somebody else’s marriage. That can not only cause more stress to the married couple, but can also backfire big time on the friend who only wanted to help.

I’m not saying you’re wrong, but that this is not a one-opinion-fits-all situation, and your opinion is not the one that counts. Resolve to encourage your friend to decide what she wants for herself. Encourage her to communicate this with her husband in ways that will strengthen rather than weaken her relationship with him. Try to support her in living out her marital commitment to the person she chose to marry. As for your personal opinion about how this couple should do things, try very hard to bite your tongue.

If your friend thinks she doesn’t know how to “get through” to her husband and doesn’t know why her communication with her husband has difficulties, suggest John Gottman’s Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage. It has examples of common pitfalls in communication and how to avoid them.

A friend of a married person is a friend of the marriage. Even in a crisis in which the marriage is damaging to one or both parties, the role of friends is to encourage the married person they have befriended to discern his or her own course of action, and take it on his or her own initiative. To do otherwise is to hazard falling into arrogance and a maternalism/paternalism that doesn’t have a place in friendships between adults.
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Actually, almost every statement (including the ‘deal with it’ comment) - is a comment that is verbatim from my friends mouth. As my friend has had more children (and finally said that’s it I can’t handle any more!) I have heard her need time off for herself more and more. It’s also hard because I have another friend who is in a fairly similar situation but she lives in Tennessee and although far from her family her husband has at least tried to give her time for herself (they also have 4 kids one also being a baby but the other kids are older).
Also in the situation where I’m trying to get my friend a break, when they got married she did say that if/when they had kids that if she wound up being a SAHM (she wasn’t sure she wanted to miss out on any of her career at the time) she did make up a list one of the items was that after kids would give the husband a week where she stayed with the kids and that he would give her a week where he stayed with the kids so each could go and have a break without the kids - I know it’s easy to say and agree to this prior to having the kids and there are some things on this list that have gone by the way side but for the most part they’ve kept to most of the things on this list.
Just so you know, my husband and I try to go up each year and give them a break And honestly, the kids love to get to spend time with their ‘Auntie and Uncle’. We get some great time with them and the couple gets a little time on their own. If she’s still nursing then it usually winds up that they take the baby or that they make the trip VERY short - it used to depend on how much she could pump.
Even after we’re married and have kids, I firmly believe that it’s still necessary, if not vital to keep those relationships that were important to you prior to marriage - like that of your best friend. I know there’s a little bit of resentment in their marriage that the husband get to go on these ‘work’ trips to places like Hawaii, Florida etc. while she has to stay at home with the kids. (we did try to time it once where we would be there to take the kids during one of these trips so that my friend could accompany her husband - only to be told that the company ‘frowned’ on family attending during the 9 day conference. (I know she was thrilled when she found out that one of the conference days occurred on a fishing boat).
The oldest kid is 13. And we still haven’t managed to have more than12 hours to be on our own. My friend has told me that she’s feeling less and less like this is a fair relationship. Honestly, I believe that some time off might help her clear her head and have a few days where she’s not so stressed. She agrees but jokingly says ‘I may go home with you and never come back’ (I know she’s joking about this so no she’s not saying she wants to leave her kids/family for good - she just NEEDS A BREAK - not my words hers - not something I’m just guessing about or think - something she has cried to me often enough about and yes brought up to her husband)-
And while I miss being as close in proximity as we were prior to marriage (and we weren’t always that close land wise) - we are good friends with both my best friend and her husband - (we may even be emotionally closer than we were sometimes when we were younger- so yes I get what you say about being friends of the marriage. But when my friend tells me that she’s feeling like she isn’t being treated fairly and that she’d like him to have to deal with the kids for a week if for no other reason than for him to see what she has to deal with, I guess I do wind up coming out more on her side. My husband has spoken to the husband as a friend but he comes back kind of shaking his head telling me he doesn’t know what to do. She has told me over and over that she needs a week off away.
God Bless
Rye
 
ryecroft said:
Thank you for the replies. I guess I didn’t make this obvious, but we have both been military or married to military - we live at least 8 hours away from each other, so while we’re always writing each other or on the phone or sending gifts to our God Children, actual face time is MAJORLY LIMITED. She’s MARRIED!

And we did try it with a sitter - bringing this up but he refused. My best friend, although the baby is only about 6 months is ready to go away for a few days again we discussed it but it just seems that no matter how we try to get this to work, some kind of road block comes up. Maybe you should get the hint?

I reccomended that this time we leave the number of the hotel and then ‘accidentally’ leave her cell phone in the car.NOT a good idea.

Also the grand parents - the only possibility can’t handle them - she’s very elderly and has to be looked after herself.

I think the husband needs to take the kids and just ‘deal’ with it. He was the one that was pushing for more - personally I think he needs to prove he can handle them - even if it’s only the 3 (all of which are now potty trained - we’ll take the baby the hotel we’d stay at has a service where we can check in during the day if daddy can’t handle all 4). Well, I guess you are just gonna SHOW HIM, aren’t you??

It’s just not fair - not to my friend and not to the kids. They need a mom that can get some breaks and some ‘me’ time in. If you have been telling her this and reinforcing her in that belief, you are doing harm to her marriage if it causes dissension between them.

I’m not saying every day but she needs a holiday (and the husband has gone away for some ‘work’ trips that were in Hawaii, etc. without the kids and wife - It’s my friends turn - I just have to figure out how to do this!) **My friend already feels like he doesn’t ‘get’ what goes into everything she does. And I will often hear some not so - shall we say '- encouraging speech about how she handles the house, etc.**DO NOT continue to gossip about her husband and side with her! You are in the wrong here.
God Bless
Rye

After this post, I am going to advise you to drop the idea of stealing your friend away from her family, and stop listening to her complaints about her husband. I think you are kind of getting in between them and sowing disharmony. At the least, you aren’t helping with this “You deserve it” and “It’s your turn.” Please, stop doing this. A marriage isn’t “tit for tat” he went to Hawaii for work so I get to go on a weekend with my friend.
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ryecroft said:
Actually, almost every statement (including the ‘deal with it’ comment) - is a comment that is verbatim from my friends mouth. As my friend has had more children (and finally said that’s it I can’t handle any more!) I have heard her need time off for herself more and more. It’s also hard because I have another friend who is in a fairly similar situation but she lives in Tennessee and although far from her family her husband has at least tried to give her time for herself (they also have 4 kids one also being a baby but the other kids are older).
Also in the situation where I’m trying to get my friend a break, when they got married she did say that if/when they had kids that if she wound up being a SAHM (she wasn’t sure she wanted to miss out on any of her career at the time) she did make up a list one of the items was that after kids would give the husband a week where she stayed with the kids and that he would give her a week where he stayed with the kids so each could go and have a break without the kids - I know it’s easy to say and agree to this prior to having the kids and there are some things on this list that have gone by the way side but for the most part they’ve kept to most of the things on this list.
Just so you know, my husband and I try to go up each year and give them a break And honestly, the kids love to get to spend time with their ‘Auntie and Uncle’. We get some great time with them and the couple gets a little time on their own. If she’s still nursing then it usually winds up that they take the baby or that they make the trip VERY short - it used to depend on how much she could pump.
Even after we’re married and have kids, I firmly believe that it’s still necessary, if not vital to keep those relationships that were important to you prior to marriage - like that of your best friend. I know there’s a little bit of resentment in their marriage that the husband get to go on these ‘work’ trips to places like Hawaii, Florida and California while she has to stay at home with the kids. (we did try to time it once where we would be there to take the kids during one of these trips so that my friend could accompany her husband - only to be told that the company ‘frowned’ on family attending during the 9 day conference. (I know she was thrilled when she found out that one of the conference days occurred on a fishing boat).
The oldest kid is 13. And we still haven’t managed to have more than12 hours to be on our own. My friend has told me that she’s feeling less and less like this is a fair relationship. Honestly, I believe that some time off might help her clear her head and have a few days where she’s not so stressed. She agrees but jokingly says ‘I may go home with you and never come back’ (I know she’s joking about this so no she’s not saying she wants to leave her kids/family for good - she just NEEDS A BREAK)
God Bless
Rye
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OK, so this is about getting what she wants. OK. I don’t know any couples who each spend a week away from their kids on separate vacations before about the age when the second youngest can drive the youngest places, but the main thing is that this is coming from her. Your job is to help her communicate and brainstorm what she wants. Whatever you do, though, don’t let her make this out to be your idea. Don’t say, “I think…”, but rather, “I hear you saying that you want…” She, after all, is the one with decision-making capacity in her marriage.

It also sounds as if it not just she that needs some time away. They need some time away. As much as she also needs some time with her friends, I guess I’d try to get her off with her *husband *for the long stint before the trip with you. That one weekend could break a lot of ice on this whole topic.

Does they even have a sitter yet? She may want to start small, by getting a regular sitter and selling her husband on “date night”. The improvement in her mood and their relationship that comes from that one change might work wonders on this whole question. If her oldest is a girl, ask her if she’d pay her daughter and a friend to take over the reins for one weekend night on a regular basis. (I would not do it with boys, and only with a fraction of 13 year old girls. Boys going through adolescence, especially in the company of their friends, can do some very unwise things when they are left unattended.)

biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=30018

Rome was not built in a day, but I think I’d ask her to consider starting with that. If she goes for it, great. If not, just keep supporting her in thinking of ways to deal with this instead of grousing about it.
 
Luna_Lovecraft said:
It may not be fair, but this is something your friend has to negotiate and work through with her husband.

If your friend’s been the primary caregiver, think about some of the routines and duties she has down with their children, routines she’s had years to perfect:
  • laundry
  • cooking/meal prep
  • personal hygiene (tooth brushing, bathing, cleaning up after the potty, etc.)
  • naps and nap time routines
  • prayer time
  • dressing in the morning and getting ready for bed at night
  • house rules about sharing, cleaning up after oneself, bickering, negotiating the use of toys, crayons, etc.
  • bedtime and bedtime routines
  • housekeeping, including picking up toys, games, etc.
  • probably a dozen more things that I can’t think of right now 🙂
He husband got all that stuff in one go.

The other thing to think about is that having dad as primary caregiver is a new experience for the kids, too. And when kids are faced with a new person in charge, what’s the first thing they do? They test their boundaries. So there’s dad having to cope with all of these new routines, and his kids are there thinking, “How many times can I pinch my younger brother before dad sends me to my room?” and “Dad didn’t notice that I scattered my colored pencils all over the floor! Score!” and “I wonder if I can convince dad that we always have chocolate bars as our morning snack?” and “How much whining will dad put up with?”.

No wonder everyone was at their wit’s end and crying by Sunday morning.

When I met my husband he had primary custody of his twin daughters. After school was out for the summer I volunteered to watch them while he was at work to save day care costs. I wrangle 120+ flighty teenagers every day as part of my job, so how hard could a couple of three-year-olds be, right?

Right…

Everything was a battle. They made it abundantly clear that I just simply did not know how to make cereal, finger paint, braid hair, butter bread, pick out clothes, read, or play house. After their nap we went to the park for a picnic, only they were really upset because I forgot the blanket, and we all know you can’t have a picnic without a blanket! Many, many tears were shed over that forgotten blanket. By the time dad got home that night I was felt as if I’d been run over by a truck.

Of course it got better, but I understand what your friend’s husband must have gone through that weekend, and I just wrangled with two kids.

Luna
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I’m sorry it was so difficult for you in the beginning but glad it sounds like it improved. I do get what you’re saying, but there is one big difference - he’s not just coming in when they’re toddlers - he’s been there the whole time - he just has been very big into the whole ‘the wife’s role is taking care of the house and the kids and my role is out bringing home the money’ (let me mention that he was NOT like this at the very beginning of the marriage but a few years prior to the marriage had converted- about 2 years into the marriage he got in with a very traditional priest - one that believes that women shouldn’t work outside the home and that they should basically have as many kids as they possibly can regardless of their financial and emotional situation - this has caused -my friend has told me and I’ve heard some of this stuff from the horses mouth- there to be some definite discord in the marriage -
My friend has actually just called me and told me she felt like she was going to ‘go nuts’ if she didn’t get to have a few days off in the near future. I appreciate all of your constructive help and hopefully some of us on here can maybe figure out a way to help her. She said she’d like me to be there but at this point, I’m ready to go up and take the kids for a few days just to give her a break. But she’s adamant that this isn’t what she doesn’t want to do it on her own but wants me to go. I told her it shouldn’t be too long before we’re up for our visit at the end of summer but she really seems to want it before then.
Well if any of you have some advice for how to accomplish this, I’d appreciate it - and before anyone brings it up, I have mentioned that counseling would be a good idea but the husband has said he’ll only go to counseling with her with this very traditional priest. Neither she nor I see this helping in any way.
God Bless
Rye
 
faithfully said:
I always feel bad for women in this situation.

Fathers should know how to take care of their own children. Or be willing to learn. When it becomes better to hire a sitter so he doesn’t panic there is a huge problem. He needs to work through this.

In the mean time, I hope her next mother’s day present is utterly amazing, now that he knows just how hard the job is. 😉
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Thank you - I’m glad so many of you can sympathize/empathize with my friend. I wish your last sentence would come true but he really has just shoved more of the household/kids stuff to her. My friend has told me she’s actually nervous about leaving the kids with him - she’s come home after running to the store for a couple of hours (they live in the country so it’s a little bit of a drive) - to find that he had stayed on the computer playing a video game the whole time and he was supposed to give them breakfast - he said he did - they had cheetos and juice (I don’t think my friend thought this counted as dairy, grain and fruit groups) -and the baby had a completely full diaper.
I completely get why she needs a break.
God Bless
Rye
 
faithfully said:
I imagine it’s a lot when you do do it every day.

I keep seeing this in my world of 2 children. I have a handful of friends whose husbands just can’t get it together when they are gone. It’s like the world is coming down on them. And there is a lot of whining, and no “I don’t know how you do it”.

Usually, these are the same guys (not always) who complain and want to know what they’ve been doing all day with their very simple job of just watching their children.

I just feel for them. I hope the OP’s friend feels appreciated otherwise. It’s likely she just had a bummer weekend, but her DH tells her how much he appreciates her. That would be nice

I don’t think all many fall into this situation either. I know plenty of guys, mine included, who have no problem taking over the kids. He may cut some corners IMO, but he doesn’t panic. I have been called to please help with prayers. That was cute.

I once left DH and children with my friends DH and their children, for a few hours. I did get an SOS call over that one. Friend’s DH was flipping out. Mine was afraid he as going to have to rescue their children. Not a good scene.

I think sometimes we get shocked to see what goes on in other households.
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I believe with what you said with your last sentence about being shocked about what goes on in other house holds- my friend has mentioned that after one of these situations which didn’t turn out well - since then it’s been only my husband and myself and a relative for watching them for any amount of time. I hope she can one day find another who can help her as we live many hours away.
God Bless
Rye
 
EasterJoy said:
OK, so this is about getting what she wants. OK. I don’t know any couples who each spend a week away from their kids on separate vacations before about the age when the second youngest can drive the youngest places, but the main thing is that this is coming from her. Your job is to help her communicate and brainstorm what she wants. Whatever you do, though, don’t let her make this out to be your idea. Don’t say, “I think…”, but rather, “I hear you saying that you want…” She, after all, is the one with decision-making capacity in her marriage.

It also sounds as if it not just she that needs some time away. They need some time away. As much as she also needs some time with her friends, I guess I’d try to get her off with her *husband *for the long stint before the trip with you. That one weekend could break a lot of ice on this whole topic.

Does they even have a sitter yet? She may want to start small, by getting a regular sitter and selling her husband on “date night”. The improvement in her mood and their relationship that comes from that one change might work wonders on this whole question. If her oldest is a girl, ask her if she’d pay her daughter and a friend to take over the reins for one weekend night on a regular basis. (I would not do it with boys, and only with a fraction of 13 year old girls. Boys going through adolescence, especially in the company of their friends, can do some very unwise things when they are left unattended.)

biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=30018

Rome was not built in a day, but I think I’d ask her to consider starting with that. If she goes for it, great. If not, just keep supporting her in thinking of ways to deal with this instead of grousing about it.
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Acutally, I mentioned before - probably should have sooner - that my husband and I (occaisionally just me) will go up and take the kids for a week and they go away. Sometimes it’s been longer sometimes shorter - really depending on what was going on. We’ve done this many times since they had kids - usually at least once a year. Sometimes we’ll go up and we’ll take the kids for an afternoon. So it’s not that we haven’t been helping with the marriage - as the Auntie/Uncle/God Parents - we believe it’s just as important to the kids to have time with us as it is for my friend and her husband to go off and have some time together. I will say though that the last 3 times we’ve put this forward we’ve been told that he doesn’t have time to take off. We did go up for a celebration with one of the kids and we took the kids for two days/nights (they get a huge kick out of staying at a hotel and getting room service -it’s just something different) - my friend was kind of upset because the only thing they really did together was watch a movie. I know she’s ready to chuck his gaming console in the trash but she told me she fears if she did he’d get really mad and then just go out and buy another one which would be a waste of money.
God Bless
Rye
 
Butt out of her marriage and don’t take sides. If you can’t handle that limit your contact with her. You are the one in the wrong here, not the husband.

And for the record she is not owed a week away from her husband and children.
 
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