From what you are telling us here, ryecroft, it sounds like what she really may need a break from is her husband.
You say you give them regular breaks to go off together. Does she come back rested and happy because of time spent with her loving husband? If so, he is just a blundering Dad, not a husband of ill will or such.
I agree, you sound like a good friend, trying to help, and I see no instance of you trying to undermine the marriage. (And contrary to what some here seem to think, supporting your friend when her husband is not supporting her is not undermining the marriage!) . Sometimes we just know whan someone is lonely and needs our support. And a marrraige can be the loneliest place of all. Supporting the lonely and hurting is exactly what Jesus would do. So good for you.
Your original thread post here gave me deja vu of my long marraige, about to be annulled now, to a man who was verbally abusive and a Narcissist. In all the years I was married, my ex was always off doing his own thing, if not hunting or hanging with buddies he was working in the garage, turned into a fine workshop. He made it quite clear he preferred to be all alone in his man cave. Anytime I left the house to visit my parents or or a friend, he would be on the phone calling. “When are you coming home??” My friends were so used to having him call that when their phone rang, they would say, 'Its probably your husband." When we were divorcing, I went to my parents and it felt so silent, to not have the phone ring. Once a friend said, “Your husband is so caring, he worries about you and wants you home!” Hmm, now why did it not seem so to me? Because when I hurried home to worried-him, he had NOTHING to say to me. He did not want to converse at ALL. He just wanted me there on the property, but* not* to talk to or interact with in anyway. If I dared initiate conversation, I was subject to verbal abuse, or an anger outburst. This I later learned was all consistent with Verbally Abusive behavior.
I, and those I know who have difficult husbands, never really needed a break from our children. We just found ways to relax together, best we could. That’s me with my one, and also my friends (to whom mothering is a priority) with two or many more.*** So I cannot help but think that if she cannot find ways to get breaks “with” her children instead of “from” them, there might be something else going on that’s wrong. For example, the marriage has unusual pressures. And he does not sound like a competent caretaker Dad, so for her children’s sake, she might best not leave them with him. Its possible he may do a poor job as a passive-aggressive tactic to not be left in charge.
I hope this is not your friend’s problem, but I sense there is something off there.
*** This is not always a cinch. It takes some creative thought, with a mind focused on your children’s needs. A hike together with a picnic snack break, a trip to a beach, even though its a lot of work to pack up kids and stuff and snacks – if its a regular outing you can get efficient at it, especially when the kids know what to expect and have their helping assignments. If the kids argue and fight and wear on her that way, then taking the initially significant time and effort and focus to intervene, to get to the bottom of the causes, and teach better behaviors will in the end give her “breaks” with her children, because time spent together will be peaceful and harmoniously life-giving for all. If she has a child with special needs, whether truly “special” or just unique like a particular need for space and quiet and privacy, requiring the cooperation of siblings, helping those needs to be met will make the children less of a burden. Etc.!
I cannot help but think that Colleen Kelly Mast would be great with suggestions for this. Does she still have her EWTN call-in show?
. I know from my own experience that sometimes, divine intervention is all that will get a woman away from abuse. And even after she’s out, she may not comprehend that what she’s just been through IS abuse until the “spell” wears off and the denial breaks open. It’s hard to see yourself as someone who would accept abuse. The whole thing is just hard.