Help! How to loose a Guy who is infatuated?

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Kateri92 said:
As far as The Gift of Fear goes, how is someone suppose to recognize a dangerous person vs. a person who is emotionally immature?
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I haven’t read the book (beyond what I linked above) but the premise appears to be that old axiom “it’s better to be safe than sorry.” De Becker’s goal seems to be to transform that instinctual nudge into factual information that you can act on. There do exist “textbook cases” for rapists and domestic abusers. Looking at enough cases and patterns emerge. That’s the basis for the entire discipline of criminal profiling. The Gift of Fear seeks to describe the common factors associated with dangerous individuals and lay them out in a categorical manner. Yes, following De Becker’s advice might sometimes involve being rude to someone who, in truth, doesn’t deserve it, but that’s better than the alternative.
 
There was a similar conversation on NarniaWeb, both leisurely and detailed. (All 17 posts on that page are on that one topic.) Highlights:
  1. You have a right to not be attracted to another person.
  2. Other people have the right to not be attracted to you.
  3. There are 7 billion people on this planet. It’s not your job to fix someone’s damage unless you are trained and paid to do so (e.g. therapist), in which case you shouldn’t be dating your patient.
  4. As a rule, an adult would want to hear the truth (that there is no possibility of a relationship) instead of being misled by the other person and/or one’s own feelings.
  5. As a rule, an immature person would protest the truth (that there is no possibility of a relationship). “Please don’t do this to me” is an oft-heard example but there are worse.
  6. It does little good to tell the person that the problem is any excuse that he could change, because if it is something the person can change, and does, it wouldn’t help.
  7. As a rule, if the person’s conduct would make a reasonably strict boss say, “This is inappropriate, and you are dismissed,” then you can “fire” that person from getting too close to you.
  8. Being “nice” isn’t the same as being gentle. Gentle people can be quite firm. Nice people can prolong the inevitable.
Decide what you want and stick to it if you want to put an end to inappropriate behavior.

P.S.
This is “the former nice guy” 10 years down the road, and he will blame you. **DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!!! Contains swearing both sacrilegious and scatological. In the midst of the great field of Wrong in which he stands, he does get one small thing right: *tell a pest the truth. *
 
Kateri92 said:
As far as The Gift of Fear goes, how is someone suppose to recognize a dangerous person vs. a person who is emotionally immature?
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There’s probably no way to know for sure. However, I think there’s a line you have to draw at some point, and whether a person is dangerous or emotionally immature is irrelevant.

It’s true some people aren’t good with social cues, so they might not get the hint if you’re trying to be nice. That means you have to be firm and direct.

For me, it’s a red flag when someone insists and continues their behavior, especially more than once, after getting a clear “No” or “Stop.”

If a person doesn’t understand “No means no,” there’s not much else you can do to make a person get it.
 
I’m in a similar situation, so I ran it by some of my friends for (name removed by moderator)ut, the women mostly suggested to maintain just enough not contact to be nice, keep it light and friendly, no need to crush a guy.

The men WITHOUT EXCEPTION said, DO NOT RESPOND, at all EVER. Any contact no matter how insignificant it may seem will be taken as a sign that there is hope for a relationship.

They told me not to worry, he’s lived without me this long and he will continue to live without me, I am not responsible for his delusion.

I’m listening to the men.
 
Kateri92 said:
Okay, so there is this guy who is infatuated with me. It started a few years ago when he wouldn’t stop perusing me. I gave no interest so he eventually got a girlfriend. I ended up unfriending him on Facebook and had not heard from him UNTIL this summer. He sent a friend request, so I accepted wanting to avoid being a snob. But, I have a feeling that he is single because he was very flirtatious in his messages to me.I have tried ignoring him but he isn’t getting the message. He won’t stop using certain emoji and its really freaking me out. I’m worried he will try to see me in person. The reason I am not reciprocating the feelings is because he is not catholic and I am not attracted to him at all. I really want to end this but I feel like sending him a message is not appropriate. What should I do? :confused:
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You messed up by accepting his friend request on FB. I know you where just trying to be nice but you messed up.

The reason is because, as others have stated, you probably give him a glimmer of hope that there is a chance you might like him or come to like him. You probably made him think there is a chance.

I am a 30 year old man. I went through many-a infatuations with girls that did not like me back. When a immature guy is infatuated with a girl, when she does something nice for him, it makes him think he has a chance. The best way to help his infatuation go away is to cut all contact and ties with him. Can he see your FB posts? Not good. That can fuel his obsession (if he is obsessed)

Here is what I would do. If you really want to be nice, send him a last message saying that you do not like him in a romantic way at all and that you never will (said as nicely as possible) . You do not like him “flirting with you” and that you are now going to unfriend and block him. Wish him well, then BLOCK HIM. That way he at least has no doubt as to why you blocked him. If he has already sent you highly inappropriate messages, don’t even bother with last message. Just block him.

He might always remember you and think how he liked you and found you attractive and so forth, but he will move on eventually. You help him to do this by cutting all contact with him. If he finds you in person (and it was obviously not a accident) tell him that he is scaring you and that you want him to leave you alone. Then look into getting a restraining order.

I think that is what I would do.
 
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