Help! I don't like my husband.

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Rob’s Wife said:
My very basic advice in a nutshell: Fake it until you make it.

Actions DO count and make an empact on both of you. You cannot change your dh, but you can change you and how you react to him. You don’t say how long you’ve been married, but both of you have probably changed over the time. Every time you feel a negative feeling leading you to negative feelings against him - say a quick silent prayer and do the opposite. Keep a diary if you need to, both as an outlet for those painfull feelings and encouragement for being loving towards your dh.
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This is excellent advice. I have been married 18 years and love my hubby dearly but there have been times when my emotions have felt dead for him. I have discovered that when I take the focus off myself and what I am feeling then the love returns.

This is what I do. I go out of my way to make him feel loved and appreciated. I make him a sandwich unasked, I tell him to put his feet up, I write him notes explaining how good and sweet he is. You will begin to love him again(unless he is an abusive jerk) because love is an act not a feeling.

I know that a lot of people don’t like Dr Laura but she has a book called the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands which is excellent! I think that I will reread it this weekend.
 
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contemplative:
One good piece of advise my MIL and FIL gave all of their three sons.
Don’t ever even think of the ‘D’ word…Don’t even think it.
I believe this is good advice. I am planning their 50th anniversary celebration this spring. They will renew their vows at a Friday morning Mass. I have placed a deposit at a nice eating place for breakfast/brunch later. I am very excited about preparing the trimmings for their very special day…50 years :clapping: :love:
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How wonderful “contemplative”! And how fun all the planning you’re doing! I just love stuff like this–planning all the napkins, the place cards, the table decorations~!!! And what a most wonderful thought your MIL and FIL have instilled–that the “D” word is NOT even an option. Praise the Lord for You and your dear in-laws. God Bless~~
Luv,
Sparkle
 
I am so confused…its good and ok to stay with a spouse that has an addiciton to porn cant support his family etc. does not love or respect you and who you do not love or respect all becuase you have too???
That sounds a bit sick to me but as Sparkle has stated perhaps if I was in your shoes and had experienced this for myself I could understand this?!?!
 
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Karin:
I am so confused…its good and ok to stay with a spouse that has an addiciton to porn cant support his family etc. does not love or respect you and who you do not love or respect all becuase you have too???
That sounds a bit sick to me but as Sparkle has stated perhaps if I was in your shoes and had experienced this for myself I could understand this?!?!
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I am not certain what you are refering to. The OP simply stated that she doesn’t love her hubby not that he has been abusive in anyway. Until we know more details we have to assume that she has simply fallen out of love. Emotions come and go, and love can be recreated-thankfully.
 
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deb1:
I am not certain what you are refering to. The OP simply stated that she doesn’t love her hubby not that he has been abusive in anyway. Until we know more details we have to assume that she has simply fallen out of love. Emotions come and go, and love can be recreated-thankfully.
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Sorry my error…some of that was directed at Sparkle.
And how long are you to wait for this recreated love to occur…1 year, 2 ,15 years??
 
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Karin:
Sorry my error…some of that was directed at Sparkle.
And how long are you to wait for this recreated love to occur…1 year, 2 ,15 years??
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If you look at love as an action, a decision, then you will see that you do not have to wait at all. It is up to you.

Now, you may have to wait 1, 2, 15 years or forever for your spouse to choose to love you back. But love, true unconditional love, is not based on what you get in return. If that were the case then Jesus would not love any of us sinners.

To the OP, get a copy of Dr.Laura’s book “the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands”. Assuming you married a decent guy (no abuse, addictions or adultery) then it should help you out tremendously…it helped me sooo much.

From your post it really sounds as though you want to love your husband but just don’t know what to do. I appreciaite the courage it took for you to write those words and admit your feelings. I hope you can get the help here that you need and can get back on the road to having a happy life…you just sound so sad.

I will add my prayers to yours.

Malia
 
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Karin:
Sorry my error…some of that was directed at Sparkle.
And how long are you to wait for this recreated love to occur…1 year, 2 ,15 years??
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As far as length of time, I can only discuss my own experince. Believe it or not when I have acted in a selfless manner, trying very hard to make my hubby happy instead of myself, my love has always returned in abundance. This normally only takes days…not years. I don’t know why this works but it does. Of course, I am talking about my own feelings not his. You can’t control another’s emotions.
 
My thanks to all of you who are praying and who responded.

Married - 17 years

Children -3 (elementary age)

First and foremost; my husband is a good and faithful man, good father, good provider, etc. There is no abuse. Maybe I’m complaining for nothing. Help me figure this out.

I feel emotionally deprived. I continuously remind my husband that I would like a little more time to talk about me. We spend lots of time discussing the children and him. He will engage in a conversation if it’s about him; then we’ll have a nice long discussion. But my topics are short lived.

I don’t keep it to myself. I let him know, and he gets angry that I brought it up. Then I get upset, & he’ll say, “See, it’s because of moments like this that we don’t spend more time discussing.” I get trapped in this argument and don’t know how to bring it around. Then his apology is something like, “Sorry I haven’t lived up to your expectations.” To me, both times, he’s brought the conversation back around and made me out to be a bad guy or the reason for all the problems.

I need to get some sort of interaction with others, so I call on friends/family or spend time on forums (good forums). He gets upset with this too. I’m just trying to find some one who will interact with me.

I don’t know what to do. I would much rather spend time with my husband, but he is just content to go to his study when arriving home. Then if I go to the computer (which is new for me) he’ll say that how can he spend time with me if I’m on the computer. Well I wouldn’t be if I knew he wanted to spend time together. I tell him, I’d drop everything (within reason) if he said he wanted to talk.

Any comments are appreciated. Thanks!
 
Trista:

Thanks for the added details–it’s hard to respond meaningfully without them. While it is clear you are in pain, you can also feel grateful that you are not facing a more profound defect in your marriage that could preclude fixing what is broken.

After all these years, kids, distractions of life, (I’m also married 17 years w/ 3 kids) it simply sounds like you two have lost track of each other and don’t know how to come back together, open up and support each other. This is not a fatal flaw in either of you individually or in your marriage, but it will take some time to remedy.

Perhaps instead of approaching your husband with the agenda of “I need you to listen/pay attention to me,” you could find a calm time and ask him if your relationship is fulfulling/satisfying to him. If not, why not. Tell him in a very concrete way that your marriage is very important to you and that you’re starting to feel like a bystander instead of an active partner. If you can agree, without accusing, that there are holes where each of your needs are not being met and start working on trying to meet the others’ needs that would be a marvelous first step.

It also sounds like you both are overdue for some shared fun. Is there something you used to do together that you both really enjoyed? Could you try it/take it up again or find another outlet?

If your husband has all the qualities you described, then I would imagine it’s not a matter of not liking/loving him–it’s a terrible disconnection and lonliness–maybe even abandonment that you feel. He surely is not far behind you in feeling some dissatisfaction with your relationship and maybe this despair is the motivation you need to take the initiative to heal what ails you.

Best wishes.
 
Hey to OP. I suggest you go to Marriage Encounter". Call today. It will improve your marriage and the communication therein, like it really did ours.

God Bless~ and Hang in There
Luv,
Sparkle
 
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Trista:
I feel emotionally deprived. I continuously remind my husband that I would like a little more time to talk about me. We spend lots of time discussing the children and him. He will engage in a conversation if it’s about him; then we’ll have a nice long discussion. But my topics are short lived.

I don’t keep it to myself. I let him know, and he gets angry that I brought it up. Then I get upset, & he’ll say, “See, it’s because of moments like this that we don’t spend more time discussing.” I get trapped in this argument and don’t know how to bring it around. Then his apology is something like, “Sorry I haven’t lived up to your expectations.” To me, both times, he’s brought the conversation back around and made me out to be a bad guy or the reason for all the problems.

I need to get some sort of interaction with others, so I call on friends/family or spend time on forums (good forums). He gets upset with this too. I’m just trying to find some one who will interact with me.
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:hmmm: **What is “it” you are referring to? **“Sorry I haven’t lived up to your expectations.” is a big, huge, red flag that you are hurting your dh on a very basic level. It doesn’t matter if you do it on purpose or if you’re in the right about what he should do - what does matter is that you have said or done something to lower his image of himself as a man or husband.
If you are depending on your dh for all of your emotional needs - you will find yourself deprived at some point. Get a hobby, find something to be passionate about. Ask him if he would be supportive of you doing this and maybe even ask what he think would be a good place to start for you. I think he would be. When a wife depends so much on their dh to make them happy, it is a huge and impossible burden for him to carry. Eventually, he will come to see that he just can’t be that for you and will stop trying.
If you are speaking negatively about your dh to friends/family to get support for your feelings, then he is in the right to feel you are taking private marital issues and airing them out for public viewing (and further hurting him as your husband) - this does not encourage a man to share his thoughts/feelings with you or to care about your feelings.
I would like a little more time to talk about me
Such as? What do you mean by talk about you? Talk about how your day at work went (SAHM’s work too!), what you’d like to do this weekend, something cute one of the kids did while he was at work? Or “talk” as in letting him know all the many ways he has upset you or let you down or hasn’t listened to you? Because the 2nd is really not about you - it’s about running him down and most men would avoid that after the first talk. (who wouldn’t?!)
Trista, I’m not trying to make you out to be a bad wife here. I am trying to point out how your dh may be seeing this from the other side. All of the above are pitfalls that many a woman falls into and most are very unaware of the way this empacts their dh. They are often shocked to find they have pushed him away for many years and have much trust to rebuild with him.
 
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Trista:
My thanks to all of you who are praying and who responded.

Married - 17 years

Children -3 (elementary age)

First and foremost; my husband is a good and faithful man, good father, good provider, etc. There is no abuse. Maybe I’m complaining for nothing. Help me figure this out.

I feel emotionally deprived. I continuously remind my husband that I would like a little more time to talk about me. We spend lots of time discussing the children and him. He will engage in a conversation if it’s about him; then we’ll have a nice long discussion. But my topics are short lived.

I don’t keep it to myself. I let him know, and he gets angry that I brought it up. Then I get upset, & he’ll say, “See, it’s because of moments like this that we don’t spend more time discussing.” I get trapped in this argument and don’t know how to bring it around. Then his apology is something like, “Sorry I haven’t lived up to your expectations.” To me, both times, he’s brought the conversation back around and made me out to be a bad guy or the reason for all the problems.

I need to get some sort of interaction with others, so I call on friends/family or spend time on forums (good forums). He gets upset with this too. I’m just trying to find some one who will interact with me.

I don’t know what to do. I would much rather spend time with my husband, but he is just content to go to his study when arriving home. Then if I go to the computer (which is new for me) he’ll say that how can he spend time with me if I’m on the computer. Well I wouldn’t be if I knew he wanted to spend time together. I tell him, I’d drop everything (within reason) if he said he wanted to talk.

Any comments are appreciated. Thanks!
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Would your husband be willing to do the Routraville Marriage Retreat with you? And forgive my poor spelling.

The women and men who have participated in that retreat have said it has saved their marriages in that it has refocused them both on Christ, on their Domestic Church and on what the purpose is of a Catholic marriage.

I want you to know you are in my prayers. You are loved and you are valued.
 
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Trista:
My thanks to all of you who are praying and who responded.

Married - 17 years

Children -3 (elementary age)

First and foremost; my husband is a good and faithful man, good father, good provider, etc. There is no abuse. Maybe I’m complaining for nothing. Help me figure this out.

I feel emotionally deprived. I continuously remind my husband that I would like a little more time to talk about me. We spend lots of time discussing the children and him. He will engage in a conversation if it’s about him; then we’ll have a nice long discussion. But my topics are short lived.

I don’t keep it to myself. I let him know, and he gets angry that I brought it up. Then I get upset, & he’ll say, “See, it’s because of moments like this that we don’t spend more time discussing.” I get trapped in this argument and don’t know how to bring it around. Then his apology is something like, “Sorry I haven’t lived up to your expectations.” To me, both times, he’s brought the conversation back around and made me out to be a bad guy or the reason for all the problems.

I need to get some sort of interaction with others, so I call on friends/family or spend time on forums (good forums). He gets upset with this too. I’m just trying to find some one who will interact with me.

I don’t know what to do. I would much rather spend time with my husband, but he is just content to go to his study when arriving home. Then if I go to the computer (which is new for me) he’ll say that how can he spend time with me if I’m on the computer. Well I wouldn’t be if I knew he wanted to spend time together. I tell him, I’d drop everything (within reason) if he said he wanted to talk.

Any comments are appreciated. Thanks!
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Please do a Marriage Encounter weekend. This will be a huge help.

wwme.org/

marriage-encounter.org/

or retrouvaille but this is really for marriages on the verge of divorce. Both are based on the same principles.

retrouvaille.org/
 
I too highly recommend you read Dr. Laura’s book, “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.” It is a real eye opener for women and has healed many a marriage.

One thing Dr. Laura asks women when they call her with questions and situations such as yours (quite common) is, “Are YOU someone *you * would want to come home to at the end of the day?”
Really makes women stop and take a look at themselves.

It’s a great book!
 
Trista - You ARE a valuable person - no matter what anyone else thinks! YOU have to think this way!

I agree that as marriage wears on, much, if not all, of that lovin feeling goes away. BUT, since you are aware of this void and are hurting, YOU need to put a fix into place. Get some hobbies, exercise, read, pray, find something worthwhile for YOU. Maybe then your hubby will come around because you will be a more well rounded person.

I find myself many days (married 12 years, 3 kids) feeling bad that I’m not all that exciting anymore and not feeling worthy of this big complicated working guy that I could just cry. BUT, then I think, I AM important…to many people on different levels. I am worthwhile in many ways other than my relationship with my husband.

Trista, have confidence, think positively, pray. Don’t think about all the other “pefect” couples out there. They have bumps and problems too. You aren’t alone!!
 
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LovedOne:
I too highly recommend you read Dr. Laura’s book, “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.” It is a real eye opener for women and has healed many a marriage.

One thing Dr. Laura asks women when they call her with questions and situations such as yours (quite common) is, “Are YOU someone *you *would want to come home to at the end of the day?”
Really makes women stop and take a look at themselves.
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This reminds me of an old song …
Wives And Lovers

Words & Music by Hal David & Burt Bacharach
Recorded by Jack Jones, 1963 (#14)

Em7 A7 G/B A7
Hey, little girl, better wear something pretty,

Em7 A7 G/B A7
Something you’d wear to go to the city,

F#m7 B7 F#m7 B7
And dim all the lights, pour the wine, start the music,

Em7 A7 D D6
Time to get ready for love,

Em7 A7 F#m7 B7
Time to get ready, time to get ready,

Em7 A7 D D alt - D6
Time to get ready for love.

As for me, I am not particularly demanding of my husband. I am happy to have his wet toothbrush next to mine every morning and night.😃 nothing more…nothing less…just a wet toothbrush next to mine.

A wise old woman gave me sage advice about 15 years ago while my children were quite young. She said “Don’t expect others to make you happy. You need to go out and live it and find it yourself” Now I still haven’t figured out why she felt the need to tell me that…she just seemed to pull that comment out of the thin air. Perhaps she saw that my life was screaming for happiness…I don’t know. After that I was on a hot pursuit to figure out the meaning of happiness. What is happiness? That is the question and what do I do to get some?
 
after the initial romance, love moves way beyong feeling, and in a long stretch of marriage, is in the actions and attitudes, not the emotions. This reality is seldom taught, even in Catholic marriage preparation classes. Some couples undergo periodic rekindling of the romance, or usually under some crisis rediscover the emotions of love, but most of the time, love is a struggle and carried on without emotional support or fulfilment.

1 Corinthians Chapter 13 describes this type of mature love perfectly. The way to fall in love with your husband again is to love him, following exactly the prescription in this scripture passage.
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Trista:
I’ve never verbalized this aloud or in writing to anyone. Please help me out. I don’t love or even like my husband but want to very badly. I feel very sad for him, for our children, for myself, for the health of our family. I pray and pray but feel nothing.

I really need some help and prayers.
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puzzleannie:
after the initial romance, love moves way beyong feeling, and in a long stretch of marriage, is in the actions and attitudes, not the emotions. This reality is seldom taught, even in Catholic marriage preparation classes. Some couples undergo periodic rekindling of the romance, or usually under some crisis rediscover the emotions of love, but most of the time, love is a struggle and carried on without emotional support or fulfilment.
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I gotta laugh when I read this (pardon me) This is so true. I have shared with my very beautiful single daughters the reality of love and marriage unlike anyone ever shared with me. My daughters and I figure that if more people knew about the reality to begin with fewer people would be getting married. :rolleyes:

I say too that if more people knew these facts then there might be fewer divorces :yup: They would know nothing is terribly wrong with them.
 
Hi Trista and welcome, After 20 years by 1996, I didn’t fall out of love with my husband but we did start to fall away, him busy with work, or household repairs, lawn work, then me with car-pooling 3 teens here and there, caring for our at that time 8 year old autistic son, housework ect. I took him for granted, he’ll always be around, then one day I got the call, he collasped at work, He had a heart attack, required bypass surgery when he nearly died, spent 4 weeks in a coma following the surgery. I only then realized how much I loved this man. Now I am not avocating illness. or even wishing for it. But step back look around, he sounds like a good man and you are a good woman too. Hopefully other Wives (and Husbands) will realized this. I was one of the lucky few who got a second chance, unfortunately some of us are not. God Bless you and hope to hear from you. Kay
 
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movingmom:
I agree that as marriage wears on, much, if not all, of that lovin feeling goes away. BUT, since you are aware of this void and are hurting, YOU need to put a fix into place. Get some hobbies, exercise, read, pray, find something worthwhile for YOU. Maybe then your hubby will come around because you will be a more well rounded person.

I find myself many days (married 12 years, 3 kids) feeling bad that I’m not all that exciting anymore and not feeling worthy of this big complicated working guy that I could just cry. BUT, then I think, I AM important…to many people on different levels. I am worthwhile in many ways other than my relationship with my husband.

Trista, have confidence, think positively, pray. Don’t think about all the other “pefect” couples out there. They have bumps and problems too. You aren’t alone!!
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I have to say that I don’t agree that in most marriages the majority of 'that lovin feeling goes away." I do think that love grows and matures. What I feel for my hubby today is a thousand times stronger then the love that I felt when I first married him.

I am sorry that you don’t see yourself as exciting. I can tell from your posts that you are an articulate and intelligent person. I imagine that you would be a wonderful person to know and have a conversation with.
 
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